CBT and Me

For the past three weeks, I have been attending a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) session each Tuesday in Spalding. It's supposed to help people who suffer with anxiety and depression to control their thoughts and behaviour, the thinking being that this will in turn control periods of depression and anxiety. I decided to approach the sessions with an open mind having heard both good and bad things from others who have had the therapy.
I've had three sessions so far and I'm still not really convinced that it's helping. A lot of it is about analysing thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am required to do some homework which consists of keeping a detailed diary of my activities and how I feel at the time together with my thoughts. Any 'spikes' where my anxiety levels are high or if I have a bout of depression, these are analysed and picked apart to understand why they happened and how they can be prevented from reoccurring.
I don't really see CBT as a cure. It won't stop me from worrying or from getting depressed. It will help me to identify the cycle that leads to my anxiety and depression. I do know that CBT certainly isn't for everyone. I spend time with people for whom CBT wasn't helpful and they stopped attending after a couple of sessions. I suppose I'm rather hopeful that something will be found that leads me to understand why I suffered a breakdown and why since then I have begun to suffer with anxiety and depression.
A lot of the analysis so far points towards me feeling an acute sense of failure and guilt. I don't provide and rely on my wife for pretty much everything.This fills me with a daily sense of worthlessness and no amount of CBT is really going to reduce this. The situation is the same and there is no magic wand to make everything right again.
I can't really say if the sessions have benefited me so far. I do have a greater understanding of the 'worry cycle' and why I get anxious about the same things over and over, such as the bank and debt. I can't though ever see a situation where I could simply dismiss a problem such as that.
I have a two week break from the sessions as the therapist is on holiday in Mexico. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be in a better position to judge its benefits.

Optimism

Firstly, I am glad that I can type. I am glad that I can spell and that I have the confidence to put my thoughts into words. I've been able to do this since I was very young. I had a typewriter from a very young age and very quickly learnt how to use it. By the time I reached my mid-teens, I had an electronic typewriter and soon after that a very basic (by today's standards) word processor. For all my life, I have never been too far from a keyboard and to do so would most probably cause me to have another breakdown. The keyboard is my output and a vessel by which my thoughts pour like water onto a page. A lot of what I type, particularly here in my blog, I don't talk about openly. People around me tend to go about their lives either oblivious to what's going on around them or prefer to keep their thoughts or worries to themselves. This is fine, they have more important things to think about. I don't request an audience. I consider myself fortunate if anyone else finds my thoughts the remotest bit interesting. My blog is my way of recording my thoughts, and I hope that sometime in the future, by way of it, my son will better understand his father.

I was asked recently whether I am optimistic, about anything. I quickly replied that I am not. In fact I see no future beyond the next day. Of course the reason for this primarily is my financial situation and not knowing where we will be in a month or two from now. But in general, I do find myself fearing for the future - especially for my son and other young people. On the one side, there is the worsening economic situation and the worry as to whether there will be jobs for everyone or whether people who are lucky enough to work can afford housing. On the other side, there is what I see as a worrying escalation in conflict around the world and where the current disputes might lead.
I do think it is inevitable that we will see some form of military escalation in Iran and possibly Syria. I of course would prefer a diplomatic outcome but with each day that passes I think this becomes less likely. The involvement of China and Russia and their opposition to a military response in Iran or Syria will I think send us down one of two paths. The first would be for the Western forces to back down faced with a possible Chinese or Russian military standoff or for the West to attack Iran and intervene in Syria and face the consequences. Some would argue that Russia is in fact supporting the Syrian regime's attack on its own people as they continue to supply arms in the face of mounting condemnation. The estimated $1 billion trade in arms is simply too valuable to Russia and they would not stand by and see this taken away from them.
As for China, there are already rumblings on the Internet that they are preparing for possible military conflict and despite knowing relatively little about their precise capabilities, it would be wrong to assume that their response would be anything but massive.
And then there's Israel and their apparent threat to be preparing an attack on Iran's nuclear facilities to take place in the coming months assuming the US don't do it first.
All of this makes for a very dangerous situation. The cost of oil has risen in recent days due to the embargo on Iranian crude oil exports and Iran's refusal to supply EU member states. The prospect of rising fuel costs on top of a weakening economic situation could have dire consequences here in the UK pushing living standards to a critical level.
I've always been very pessimistic, but the situation as I see it is one that is fast nearing crisis proportions. Unless a last minute solution can be found to the situation in Iran and Syria, then I fully expect to see a new Middle East conflict by the end of this year. The outcome of this conflict will depend ultimately on whether or not it could be contained. My guess is that it would not.
The coming months will be critical in deciding the path taken. Of course we have very little or no influence whatsoever on the outcome. We can only hope and pray that common sense will prevail coupled with a realisation that any fire lit in the Middle East would spread way beyond the borders of Iran and Syria.
2012 will certainly be a decisive year, whatever happens.

Thoughts for a Tuesday

Things are pretty OK at the moment. I have that comfortable feeling that tells me everything's all right - not perfect - just all right.

I applied for a position at a bus company in Peterborough today. They are looking for people who want to complete their training for their full PCV license. It'll be nice if they invite me for an interview but I will write to them if they turn me down as I'd like to know why.

Financially it's a struggle as usual. We're forever having to budget and economise wherever we can. I imagine many households are the same at the moment and I expect there are people in a worst state to us. At least we currently have our home and should be OK for the next few months, insurance company permitting of course.

I planted a load more seeds this afternoon. I was encouraged by the fact that most of my seeds have started to grow. This time I planted five trays of large King Carrots. They should grow during the next few months. I'm going to cordon-off my vegetable patch as soon as I have the materials. It'll keep the dog away plus segregate it from the rest of the garden. I'll do a v-log nearer completion.

Sunday was a great day. We visited Sacrewell Farm for the second year running for the Peterborough Bus Rally. The weather was very good - we had no rain while all around us it seems there were storms. It wasn't until we left and headed for Wisbech did we then drive through what I can only describe as a monsoon.
There was a fantastic selection of vintage buses and we took full advantage of the free rides to Wansford and the Nene Valley Railway. I'll be uploading a short video compilation to YouTube in the next few days.

It's a nice feeling when, even though your son is at school, you can hear him from the garden. This is the case with my son and as I work in the garden, I can hear him shouting a few hundred yards away. It's comforting to know that he's not far away and I'm lucky to be able to hear him having fun with the other children instead of worrying that he's OK.

Good luck to everyone planning to have a shot at the Euromillions lottery tonight. Frankly whoever wins the jackpot could probably buy Greece or at least one of it's islands.