Snowy Sunday Thoughts

There's a a lot going on at the moment. The weather has brought snow to many parts of the country and as usual, it has caused travel disruption and what can only be described as farcical scenes at London's Heathrow Airport. Should we be surprised? No, it happens every time we have snow and the slightest amounts result in cancelled flights and misery for travellers. Why do we get it so wrong every time. It is true that we are the laughing stock of other countries used to snow. Maybe it is just a British thing. We like to suffer and make things as difficult as we can. Snow is inevitable, especially in a changeable climate such as ours yet I read that we choose not to invest in snow clearing equipment as it is rare and wouldn't justify the expense. Try telling that to the passengers, many of whom have spent at least one night on the cold floor of the departures terminal.

On my mind this week have been money matters, specifically being asked for money we don't have. I know this causes my wife stress and she often spends sleepless nights worrying about how she is going to make her meagre part time wage stretch to cover our outgoings. With me, the worry is always there but it manifests itself as anxiety which will often build until an event such as a final demand letter or a threat of legal action sends me over the edge into a pit of despair. We've managed to keep the wolves from the door until now but I do feel we are headed for just such an event. In an attempt to prevent a crisis developing, our defence has been to send letters pleading our case. For the most part, this has been successful though there are cases where I am left wondering whether the letter has actually been read - as is the case with South Holland District Council. They are insisting we pay hundreds of pounds in council tax despite being told we cannot and having been sent a copy of our financial statement. They were also told of my delicate mental state which they also seem to have ignored. They will certainly be getting a very strongly worded letter.
I do try to reassure myself by realising we are not alone and that there are many thousands of families up and down the land in a similar situation. It doesn't stop me fearing every letter that comes through the door.

Therapy for me is the things that I enjoy, such as writing, listening to the radio and music - specifically finding music in the form of vinyl records in second hand shops. Saturday morning saw me again rummaging through a box of LP's in my favourite second hand store in Long Sutton. There is normally something new each week and out of five or six records, at least one will turn out to be a real gem. My gem(s) this week were a record of Henry Mancini's music which included the 'Pink Panther' and 'A Shot In The Dark' themes, and another K-Tel LP containing various well known songs.

A piece in today's Sunday Express highlighted the link between the effects of the recession and the rising suicide rate. This is something many have been aware of for some time, especially those who work in the field of mental health. It's a startling reminder of how things like financial well being and job security can push many to the brink and beyond. Those seeking re-employment having been made redundant are likely to become depressed as being constantly turned down for jobs leads them to view each day as pointless, often remaining in bed. I recognise and understand this very well. The numbers seeking psychological therapies has rocketed from 92,000 in 2009/10 to 320,000 in 2012. The figures speak volumes.
Yet there is no easy solution to any of this. The economy won't miraculously improve creating thousands of new jobs so the numbers of those suffering mental illness is likely to increase further. What makes life worse for so many of those affected is the poor care and support given to the mentally ill. The assessment process for benefits is so demeaning and flawed that many are made worse or pushed over the edge. Others simply decide not to go through it and end up in relative poverty. The system has to change.

Finally, I am utterly disgusted at hearing the new that Camelot are increasing the cost of lottery tickets. Surely this decision is simply based on greed. After all, they have failed to provide any satisfactory reason for doing this. I am sure I won't be alone in voicing my disdain at Camelot's decision and I for one will be boycotting the National Lottery in favour of the ethical alternative The Health Lottery who have also made public their views. So there.

I failed to record an audio journal this week, so I'll make sure I do an extra long one next week.
My Moodscope rating today is 61%.

Ups & Downs

I find myself feeling a little odd today. I should be busy but following the last week, I can't help feeling I should be due a rest. The last week has certainly had its ups and downs. The ups are certainly related to my volunteering work and having gained approval for a leaflet I've produced along with a poster for displaying in GP surgeries and waiting rooms. I've also come up with a name for our group, 'Blue Skies'. I didn't really spend very much time researching it, a few minutes on the Internet was all it took. Again, I have approval for this too and the group now feels more official and as having a formal identity.
I hadn't really set out to do all this myself. I have to be in a creative mood and last weekend I felt inspired to start work on a leaflet describing the group with a view to making it sound appealing for anyone interested in joining. I am aware of many groups dotted around the county who have done similar things and having seen their leaflets, I was convinced that we could do the same.
I need to do just a little more work on it before emailing it off to our volunteer services manager for final approval. I am rather hoping he will arrange for them to be printed.
So that's all been rather good. Our volunteer services manager did pay us all a visit on Thursday where he discussed with us funding and getting involved with a project run in Lincoln called ArtLinc. It just so happens that we have been looking at art & craft activities and this fits rather well. Added to this, we have two semi-professional artists within the group who could look after this. I have charged myself with setting up computer classes for anyone interested, and this will be my baby.
The week has certainly had its downs. Once again I have been pushed to the brink of despair by my bank, who knowing my situation have allowed me to pay a reduced contribution towards my mortgage. They called me to let me know that this arrangement had run out and that they were prepared to extend it until the end of November. They also made a point of reminding me of the arrears.
The whole thing just served to plunge me into a deep depressive low. At the time, I could see no way out, a reminder of how I used to feel and the desperation that would take me to some very dark places. Added to this, my accountant chose the worst possible time to remind me that my tax return was soon due meaning more expense as he does this for me. Although it is all zeros as I haven't received a penny all year, I still end up paying about £150 for the privilege of letting HMRC know!
I know that things with the bank look worse than they probably are and that I'll still be sat here typing my blog this time next year. Anxiety and depression make you see the worst of a situation. You worry about the worst possible outcome and despite being told that things will be different, you simply cannot see things that way. It is nothing less than a mind controlling illness, producing irrational fear and dread. For a non-sufferer, it is impossible to understand the mind of someone affected. I spend a lot of time with other people who encounter the illness on a near daily basis. I need not explain to them how I feel when the bank get in touch - they know. In a way, this is a comfort. I am not alone. They cannot help with my situation - the fact still remains that I cannot pay the bank what I owe them, well not right now anyway. Wait a few more years until I'm 55 and they can have every penny with interest, courtesy of my private pension.
It's this constant fear of the unknown that keeps me on this roller coaster of emotions. I cannot now see beyond November and I fear that we will spend Christmas with the prospect of losing our home in the new year. That is unless we are able to sort something out between now and then. There are certain 'rescue schemes' I have read about where the council can buy your home from you and you then pay a reduced rent to continue living in it. This might be an option if the worst comes to the worst.
It's the worry also. It's always there. It's the first thoughts that enter my head when I wake in the morning - the dire situation we're in and the guilt at having created and being responsible for the situation. This is the worst time of the day for me. The realisation that it's not all a dream, it's real.
I'm constantly told to focus on the good things, and to turn negatives into positives. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.

Bailed Out

Everyone seems to be bailing out someone or something. It's become the phrase of the moment - bailout. First the banks were bailed out, an act required to prevent an economic crisis here in the UK. Northern Rock was the first and our memories are of customers queueing for hours on end to withdraw their savings fearing they would be lost. Then of course it was the bigger banks, Lloyds and famously RBS which, questionably, form part of the country's foundations.
In Europe, we hear about Greece being bailed-out by the European Central Bank and being lent obscene amounts of money in the mistaken hope that it will all one day be paid back. A similar fate awaits Spain and Portugal.
Nearer to home and I hear from my friends that they have had to bailout their son who has been served a huge solicitor's bill for a short consultation and a handful of letters. This is money he simply doesn't have and once again his parents come to his aid, bailing him out and putting pay to any prospect of a threatened 8% interest charge.
And then there's myself and I've forgotten how many times over the last year or so when I've had to be bailed out. The latest bailout was courtesy of my in-laws who lent us the money for a new car.
It seems that wherever we look, people and companies are being bailed out. I suppose you could argue that it is in fact rescue, saving people, organisations and even countries from a fate worse than debt. But surely any bailout is simply delaying the inevitable. Or is the alternative so bad to contemplate that to not bail out would itself be deemed wreckless?
My own doctor's opinion is to simply accept that there are people all around us prepared to help, to bail us out. This was his response to my recent plight, to simply accept the fact that I couldn't do anything about it and accept charity from whatever source possible. The fact that it made me feel bad to have to go cap in hand to people wasn't important. It was help and it simply had to be accepted.
I fear that recent events both nationally and internationally will eventually give rise to a feeling generally that no matter the problem, there is always the option of a bailout. Will this make people less responsible as a result and are our children to learn that debt needn't be such a problem? I learnt things the hard way. I had a very good salary and became complacent, not having to worry about bills and direct debits. They just got paid each and every month. I also borrowed and thought nothing about paying it all back or the consequences of paying just a little each month. But I was lucky, I chose to insure everything and little did I know back then just how important that monthly premium payment would be. But although I fell ill, I don't absolve myself of my errors. I made huge mistakes and had a childlike attitude towards money. I knew very little about how credit actually worked and chose to live for too long beyond my means. But it can't go on forever and when your income stops, not only do you have to worry about the day to day things, there's the money you've borrowed also.
If anything, I regret not learning more about money at school. The reality was that this was never taught to us. The closest we came to understanding money was by selling jacket potatoes during break times and using our profits to buy more potatoes.
At least now I have the opportunity to ensure that my own son doesn't grow up with a similar lack of appreciation for money, credit and debt. I know what it's like when it all goes wrong. Of course he's oblivious to it all at the moment, and that's the way it should be. He's too young to understand. But before he's able to borrow and manage money of his own, there are lessons I will definitely share with him. I just hope that greater awareness can help him avoid similar mistakes.

Woes

My wife left for work in the car this morning for the final time. She

will be taking it to the mechanic tonight with her dad and we're hoping

he'll give us something to take it off our hands. It's all very sad. I

hate to see a car go. It's over ten years old and holds so many

memories for us. If it was in any way possible, we'd keep it, but there

simply isn't the money.

To compound things, my in-laws are blaming me for what's gone on. They

don't say so much in words, but I know what they think and I know they

blame me for the dire financial situation we're in. They are forking

out the money for a replacement car, but it is clear to me that they

don't wish to involve me so I am keeping well out of it. It is there

money and until we can pay them back - which won't be until April at

present - it will be their car. I don't even want to drive it. It's

purpose is to get my wife to and from work. I will somehow find a way

to manage with the bus. It does run to here even though we're remote

but it's one of those services you need to book well in advance. It

doesn't run to any kind of timetable but it is supposed to meet the

main services to Spalding and King's Lynn. I really don't mind using it

provided I don't end up stranded anywhere for too long.

All this has sent me into a major bout of depression, the worst I have

known in a long time. I lack energy and enthusiasm and in the evenings

I just want to go to bed. I also lack any appetite for food and frankly

typing this has taken every ounce of my will power.

I called my Mum last night to tell her the car would be going this

evening. It means that she too will have to rely entirely on the bus

service as I used to see her on a Friday and take her into town every

Saturday morning. I also won't be able to visit my dear friend to help

with his model railway layout. This has always been my escape and

refuge from the stresses and strains of life currently. It was a place

where I could think and feel almost free from everything. They'll

understand I'm sure.

I will certainly be steering well clear of my in-laws. I was to have

gone with them tonight to hand over the car, but I really don't feel

like being anywhere near them. I know what they think and how they feel

about me. The way they are with me speaks volumes and I just wish so

much to be able to tell them all where to go. They have absolutely no

understanding of what I've been through, and continue to have to deal

with on a near daily basis. They will never understand and will remain

ignorant. I just wish that some kind of good fortune would come our way

so we can no longer have to be dependent on others, especially them. I

hate the fact that we've had to borrow money from them. I really hate

it. Something has to change.

Living in Poverty

Apparently we are living in poverty. Our income is below that needed to support a family. So why aren't we starvng, dressed in rags and shivering in makedo carboard shelters? Have the government got it wrong? We live quite a comfortable life. We don't go hungry, we're well dressed and our home is warm and comfortable. OK, we don't have heaps of spare cash to spend on things we would like rather than need. We do hunt out the best bargains at the shops and settle for second best at the supermarket. So what is poverty? I often think of images from Victorian Britain when the word is mentioned. Children in rags playing on cobbled streets. Parents heading to and from smokey factories. Perhaps it's because those using the word 'poverty' have the life of a millionaire so anything less than a huge house and country estate, five cars and eating out every night is considered a pauper's lifestyle. Something has to be wrong. We need to re-evaluate just what it means to have and to have not. Not having a car doesn't make someone destitute. Not eating the finest of food doesn't make someone needy. People manage. We all have to manage by making the pound in our pocket go further. By making things last longer. To live in poverty must surely mean having very little or nothing. Let's think again before using this word...

Save a penny here, save a penny there...

We are just one of many thousands of families who across the country are trying to save money and reduce their outgoings wherever they can. A report on the BBC earlier in the week prompted me to compare our electricity costs with those of other providers. I was shocked to discover that we could save more than £600 a year on the £178 we pay each month. We have no gas incidentally as we are so rural so everything is electric.
I did call our existing supplier to see if we could get the amount we pay reduced but they made the explanation so confusing and difficult to understand. All I was interested in was the monthly amount, not units, tariffs and usage blocks. So in the end a quick call to our new supplier offering us this enormous saving was all that was needed. Apparently they do all the rest so I was pleased with that.
Next on the list was our pet insurance. We've been with the same provider for about 9 years and in that time, the premium has slowly crept up as these things have an annoying habit of doing. Again, checking on line, we found that we were able to have slightly better cover for £10 a month less. Again a quick call had this sorted out.
Finally, a call to they guys who look after our pipes and electrics internally on behalf of Anglia Water. We had been paying them £25 and have seldom ever claimed. So a call to them mentioning that we were looking at saving money and might be leaving them was all it took for them to take £10 off the amount we pay each month, and provide exactly the same cover!
So, it really does pay to ring round and see if you can get things cheaper. It's actually quite a satisfying experience. I know a lot of people simply don't bother as they don't want the hassle. But we are living in times now where we simply have to save money in order to survive. I was always one for just leaving things as they were, relying on the direct debit each month and not giving any thought to whether or not we were paying too much. I'm just lucky my wife is the complete opposite. Without her, I know we wouldn't be here now.
At risk of sounding like Martin Lewis, the UK's Money Saving Expert, it worked for us and I'm pleased we did it...

Another step forward

Today I received a letter from the bus company I'm soon hoping to be working for. It asked for me to sign a copy and return which I did straight away. It also said that they would be in touch to let me know the date and time of my medical. Provided I pass this, then they look forward to welcoming me to a 'rewarding and enjoyable' career. Little do they know that this has been my career of choice since I was old enough to speak. So I'll wait now for the appointment details for my medical. As I mentioned previously, I am on a strict diet in the hope that I can get my weight down. I'm not starving myself but I am cutting out all the snacks I used to eat during the day and the evening. I've actually managed to supplement them with carrots, which I do enjoy and also find quite filling.

In other news, my parents today received a letter from their bank telling them they had credited their account with the money paid to those crooks at First Class Trucking Ltd, who recently went into administration whilst owing tens of thousands of pounds to many unfortunate people. What I do find ridiculous though is the fact that having credited the money they also threaten to take the money back if it's found that the course was made available. I would have thought common sense would dictate that the money should be credited once the investigation was complete and the bank had no doubts whatsoever that the vendor was at fault...
Call me Mr Picky but surely that's normal practice?
So I'll be writing a further letter to them pointing out the error of their ways.
Some good news then and certainly a significant step forward in my grand plan but an erroneous outcome with the bank...

On the vegetable garden, birds have been eating my seedlings so I have deployed garden netting in the hope that I can prevent them from getting close to my plants.

Having blamed the birds, I have just caught a slug on its way to munch through another of my seedlings. Luckily I was able to stop the bugger and deploy him swiftly to next door's garden...