Getting Through the Day

I've written before about my struggle with depression and anxiety, and the fact that some days are simply better than others. It's impossible to know how I will feel one day to the next, so I just take each day as it comes and try to get through it. Not working means spending a lot of time alone and it's these times that are the most challenging. The answer is to do things that keep me active and prevent me from drifting into thought - the kind of thoughts that remind me of failure and how I got to where I am now, having been active in the past earning a very good wage and paying my fair share of the bills. To start thinking about these things just sends me into a downward spiral and the result is a depressive bout for me and abject misery for everyone around me.
Thankfully, I've managed to keep myself out of my 'pit of despair' as I like to call it. There is a glimmer of hope that the only real assets I own, my private pension fund, may in some way be used to benefit us now rather than waiting until I'm 55. We really cannot wait that long and frankly we need the money now rather than later on.
I don't know yet if this is possible but I see there are numerous schemes all over the Internet claiming to be able to unlock pension funds. The way they do it is to invest your pension once you've transferred it to them into overseas funds or various other schemes thus making them money. In the meantime, they lend you the money you need and this is secured against your pension. But there are risks, big risks and you could end up paying back far more than you borrow. The same is true with any kind of lending, but with this you are dealing with large amounts of money. So I don't know if this will be possible for us. We are going to see a pension advisor so hope to find out more then.
Some days, despite wanting to do so much and achieve at least something, I end up doing nothing. The enthusiasm I woke up with that morning fizzled out over breakfast or whilst I read the news headlines. These days simply fill me with guilt and regret. Yes I've done things, but nothing practical or beneficial. I may have researched something on the Internet and discovered something I didn't already know, but this is of no benefit to me or mankind. I can't out this newly gained knowledge to any practical use, say to invent something new perhaps. These are zero days and count for very little in the grand scheme of things.
I saw the topic of depression appear on Twitter today. Peter Serafinowicz tweeted about a blog written by a sufferer and also mentioned that he too struggled with it. Again, I'd learnt something new. I had no idea he suffered with depression. When he's on the TV, he's always funny so why should I? But it's the same with all sufferers of depression. We don't wear labels or badges stating that we suffer with it. We don't turn a different colour when the next depressive bout descends. It is hidden. It happens a lot behind closed doors where we can't be seen. By its nature, it's very seldom on display in public. It doesn't travel well.
I don't know if there will ever be a cure. It would be nice if they could produce a tablet that prevented it, but everyone who suffers with depression seem to be different. Different things set them off and different things make them feel better. Some bouts last for a day, others for a week or more. It is far from straight forward and doubt whether fixing it for everyone will be that easy.

In the news, I see that the maniac hell bent on killing innocent men, women and children in France has been stopped. The fact that he was shot and killed by the police will be a comfort to all those affected by his killing spree. Personally, I would have liked to have seen him captured and made to face justice for his crimes, but this was clearly an unlikely outcome given the ferocity of of his attempt to evade capture and I accept that the police had no other option.

We've all been forced to accept the latest budget from our coalition government and the realisation that for many, life will become more difficult than it already is. Those who have worked all their lives and saved for a comfortable retirement appear to be hardest hit and I suspect their collective response will be felt come the general election.

Back in the Saddle & Other Stuff

A bright Sunday morning and a positive feeling to the day. A real wrench from my slumbers this morning and Mirtazapine induced dreams. Deep dreams where all things are possible and where people and feelings are so real. It's a difficult thing to describe unless you've been there. My wife resents the fact that I get to sleep more than her. Our son has her up at around 6am and I know she wants to pull me from my bed but she knows that I do more than just sleep, it's more like a semi-coma. To forcibly remove me from this will often result in the onset of a deep low for the rest of the day. I hate this but that's the way it is. I'm much better if I'm allowed to make the step from my fantasy world to the real world myself. That's the way things are and as long as my doctor prescribes it, that's the way it will be for some time to come I suspect.
In my not-so-private life lately, the time came to confront our bank and go cap in hand to our local branch int he hope they would allow us drastically reduced payments toward our mortgage. My wife came with me despite the fact everything is in my name. We both felt like 'lambs to the slaughter' as we approached the bank and took a seat in the waiting area. I sat there wondering if the people wandering in and out had similar problems. I wondered if they were comfortably well off or had recently won the lottery. I sat there creating imaginary worlds for each person I saw. We both sat for some time feeling like common criminals with our dirty little secret. We didn't speak much, apart from remarking to each other how sweaty our palms had become.
To cut a long appointment short (it lasted over an hour), we were met with more sympathy than I thought we would be. In fact the advisor we met with was very understanding and very helpful, in fact credit to her for putting us at ease and for helping us come to a suitable arrangement. We're paying less than required, a lot less, but there's no other option. I think they could see that. They could also see that to anything else would cause considerable distress and probably make my illness worse than it is. It's a three month arrangement and of course can't go on indefinitely as we're paying nothing off the amount we owe. But it's salvation and for that I'm glad and grateful for their help, something I never thought I would be saying about a British bank in these times.
Something I am looking into is a rather large pension fund I'm sitting on. It's a pension I started paying into when I began working and it contains enough money to pay our mortgage or sort out the small mound of debt we have. Normally I wouldn't be able o do a thing with it until I am 55 but there may be a way of transferring the fund to our bank and in doing so may be able to use the fund to help us with our current problems. I've no idea if this is possible but we're going to seek some independent advice. I don't hold out much hope but it seems ridiculous that I'm sitting on a large pot of money and we owe money, but life is never this simple is it.

The problems in Syria are ongoing with more reports of atrocities and mindless violence. It really does seem to be turning into a repeat of the Kosovo crisis and the inactivity on the part of the UN and International Community to do anything to stop it. One glimmer of hope is the visit by Kofi Anan though I'll be surprised if this makes any difference to the mindset of those hell bent on perpetrating crimes against their own people.

Remaining on the international stage, I see that Putin has been re-elected President of Russia. No one should be surprised at this, it was a foregone conclusion and frankly any amount of voting wouldn't have affected the outcome.

I have another application to complete. It's for a council position and as they're not looking for any specific skills or experience, I've decided to go for it. It's one of those council-generated forms where you don't send your CV but essentially replicate it and explain why you feel you're suitable for the job. I much prefer sending my CV and a covering letter, but that's the way they want to do things. Again I hold out little hope given the current job climate. I was though delighted to hear that my sister has landed a job at a nearby hospital. It's only part time but it's something and I'm sure she'll do very well. In addition, she's always got something wrong with her so she'll be working in the right place!

I've re-discovered podcasting this week. Iain Lee produces a weekly podcast called 'The Pocket Radio Show' which I am finding very entertaining. Iain used to broadcast on Absolute Radio and has been on TV for many years. I've also started listening to Bayley's Banter, another podcast from an Australian who audio-blogs his daily life. And of course I continue to listen to Richard Vobes, the grand master of them all who has been podcasting for as long as I can remember.

I need to start work in the garden and I simply cannot put it off any longer. I have a load of pots that used to have things growing in them. There's now some kind of green fungi. I'm sure I have some onions and garlic somewhere too. My father gave me a load of seed this morning for various herbs and tomatoes so I'll try to get some of these planted today. I also have some hot peppers which I'll try to grow in the conservatory. I failed abysmally last year - perhaps I was too late.

It's a year on from the disaster in Japan and it feels like only yesterday that we witnessed the horrific scenes of whole towns being swept away on a huge tsunami and the worst nuclear disaster since Chernobyl. I wonder if anything so massive had befallen us here in the UK whether we would have coped so well.

It was good to see my sister and her family earlier today. We don't see enough of each other and it was great that our son was able to stay and play for a few hours. I'm going to attempt some more of that job application now. I simply have to be in the right frame of mind and 'in the zone' if I'm going to make a good job if it. There's no rush to get it submitted as the deadline is 26th March but I'm keen to get if done this week.

Right, blog updated. I'll update as things come to mind.

A rosy glimpse into the future

I've long had a private pension - a couple in fact. I've never paid much attention to them, knowing they are there somewhere but also knowing I can't get my hands on it for many years. So it was quite interesting to find that I could take a look at it online, and I was pleasantly surprised. I now know that we'll be OK when I'm 55. We can do a cruise or buy a new car - maybe a couple if we're lucky. I know that we'll be secure, and that's a good feeling. The problem is of course the here and now - not some rosy future, as my wife brought me firmly down to  earth... She's right of course. The fact is that we're bloody lucky. The company I had given so many years to had paid in to a private stakeholder pension, and they paid well. I can't see that ever being repeated... things have changed.
The weather here today is fantastic. It's amazing the difference a little sun can make. Those who claim that sunshine or lack of it can affect mood, they are right - absolutely right. I know as I've had first hand experience. It's nice to be able to open the doors and windows for a change. We're lucky to live in quite a remote area, so we have little traffic and the only real noise is from the jets on the nearby bombing range. Living in remote locations can sometimes have its drawbacks. The RAF like to play with their toys of war, but it's something we've grown used to. Having lived in London (well just south) for many years from birth, this is a world away from the traffic, the rushing about and the constant noise I was used to. Here, the silence is strangely deafening, you can see the stars - millions of them. The night sky isn't polluted by orange street lights and criss-crossed by holiday jets. It's not paradise, but I like it - it's home.