Bug Free

Today I finally feel free of the bug that's taken me over these last four days. It has taken a long time to recover and even when I felt OK, the symptoms would return, as they did most of last night. I'm beginning to doubt as to whether I did contract Norovirus. Although the symptoms are identical, I'm inclined to believe I may have suffered severe food poisoning. I'm still at a loss though to know where I actually caught it, as I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary last week.
I can honestly say that whatever it was, I felt awful. The stomach cramps and continuous nausea were by far the worst symptoms which would continue well into the night. I am so glad to finally be free of it.

I now feel I'm back to 'normal service'. I attended my support group this morning at which we had a guest volunteer, studying for a PhD in Psychology. It was hit or miss at to whether I would attend. I felt ever so weak and not quite with it, but in the end it went well and I'm glad I made the effort (and it was an effort!).
I find myself now having to catch up on things. I've been detached for the last four days and I need to bring myself up to date with things.
This coming Thursday and Friday, I am attending a course in Louth with one of my colleagues. It's on the subject of Mental Health First Aid and it has been booked for some time. Despite this, I'm struggling to locate any course details so at the moment I have no idea of the venue, except for it being in Louth. I do know it starts at 10am so I won't have to leave too early, thank goodness.

Tomorrow, the US (and the rest of the World) will know if President Obama has another four years in office or whether Mitt Romney will be beginning his first term as the world's most powerful leader. The news is full of coverage from correspondents speculating the outcome. At the moment, the suggestion is that Obama has a slight lead and I personally would be very surprised if Obama is replaced. I'm not that concerned who wins, but I am reminded of Ronald Reagan each time I look at Mitt Romney, and with that my worries that he could develop similar policies to those we saw during the 1980's.

My Moodscope rating has taken a slight dip, given my recent state of health, but today I scored a respectable 64%. Not bad.

Art & Appreciation

A good day. Arts & crafts was the theme at our Support Group earlier today. We all tried our hand at painting in acrylics, the second time we've created some art. I'm pretty sure we get better each time we do it and we were fortunate to have with us my dear friend Janet who assisted with her professional skills and tips.
I've put our latest creations online in the Arts & Crafts section of my website.
We're going to see the people at ArtLinc a week this Friday with a view to bringing the initiative to South Holland. I'm hopeful they may be able to assist with funding and exhibiting.

My mood today has been pretty good. My leaflet for the Group was very well received and I received considerable praise for my efforts. It's great to feel valued once more and praise of any kind does wonders for the spirit, especially mine.
The next step is to get the leaflet (and poster) over to our Volunteer Services Manager for him to approve and arrange to get printed for us.
My Moodscope rating today is 15%, an increase on yesterday and a fair reflection of how I'm feeling today. If I can keep it going through tomorrow then I'll be very pleased with myself. The weather often has an effect on my mood and I'm concerned that is is very grey and dull at the moment. It's the sort of grey blanket I've written about before. I'll continue to make the most of my good mood while it lasts!

A Rare Creative Burst...

I have been in a creative mood today and this afternoon I used this brief improvement in mood to finish off the leaflet and poster I have been designing for my Blue Skies Support Group. I've been fiddling about with the leaflet for some time, adjusting the text width so it fits onto a traditional 3-column sheet of A4 printed both sides. I've finally perfected it and made sure I saved my latest changes and printed what turned out to be my only proof copy as the ink promptly ran dry in my colour printer. At least I can take it with me to the Group tomorrow and pass on to our manager for approval.
I have to say that I'm quite pleased with it, even if I do say so myself, and it's reassuring to know that my creative skills haven't quite left me.

I'm rather hopeful that I can get them printed by the Trust or I'll need to buy some more ink and paper. The plan is for them to be placed in medical centres and waiting rooms around South Holland.

My mood today is much improved. I spent some time watching David Cameron preach to the faithful earlier at the closing speech of the Conservative Party Conference. I'm afraid I just found him to be as patronising, out of touch and as arrogant as ever. I really hope he isn't voted in for a second term.

My wife and son have recently returned from a school trip to Tattershall Castle. As I recall, it's on the way to Coningsby and I used to pass it every day when I worked at RAF Coningsby teaching pilots and ground crews how to use computers. They had a good time by all accounts and even managed to climb the 150 steps to the top. Rather them than me...

Despite my creative peak, my Moodscope rating this morning was again just 10%. At least it's remaining pretty much constant.

I think we're planning to do some arts and crafts at the Group tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to it and spending time with people I respect, value and am very fond of. I'm really hoping my raised spirit will last into tomorrow and perhaps beyond, but I really should take just one day at a time and not be too ambitious.

On a high... But for how long?

We had a good meeting yesterday at the NHS T&D Centre in Sleaford. It was a good job my two colleagues and I attended or there would have been just one other there. I had expected a conference room full of volunteer staff, instead we had a small meeting room and board table. It would have made more sense I think to have had one big meeting with volunteer staff from all parts of Lincolnshire, but being such a vast county there would have been many for whom the trek there would have been too much.
We did manage to come away with some new information and also had the opportunity to spend some time discussing our Mental Health Prevention Fund bid and apportion parts of the bid application to each of us to complete.
It was also useful to find out that we are able to use the venue for any group committee meetings we hold in the future. Apparently we need to meet monthly, particularly if we go for charity status, which is becoming more likely given the fact we will be requesting more than £1k.
It was actually very enjoyable, not just the meeting, but the opportunity for the three of us to go somewhere different and spend some time together. It was clear to me that over the last few months, we had all developed a bond of friendship with each other which I feel will be strong and lasting. This makes me feel good.
My mood had lifted slightly, well I felt it had. My Moodscope rating yesterday was 10% again, but I'm not sure if it accurately reflected my mental state. I certainly felt more active and interested in what was going on around me and the deep depression of the last few days had definitely lifted.
Today I actually felt almost free from depression, though my Moodscope rating this morning was actually just 9% - one of my lowest scores so far. So although the symptoms of despair were there, they hadn't manifested themselves into a low mood. Interesting...
At today's Support Group, we had a guest speaker - a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who came to tell us a little about his job and give a Q&A session. It was all very interesting and I was curious to know how he had got into the role and what had led him there.
We also had a new (male) member join us today and he was well received by all. I'm hopeful he will come again as I very much enjoyed his input and I'm sure he can benefit from the Group. We do still need to increase our numbers and it would be nice if we could attract more men though it is acknowledged that men are the least likely to seek help and therapy in the form that we provide.
I need to work some more on the Blue Skies leaflet tomorrow with a view to completing it. I need to take the final proof with me on Thursday. Hopefully we'll soon be able to get them printed. I'll also finish off the poster so we can get it put up in waiting rooms and medical centres.
I certainly feel on a high at the moment and such a contrast to the last week. I'm interested in doing things and I have been busy typing letters, something I very much enjoy, mainly to banks. I just hope this surge of energy and high spirits lasts, but knowing my condition, I'll soon be back in my pit of despair. That's what makes me think I'm bi-polar and why others think I am too.

Improvement & Focus

A better day today. My Moodscope rating is 10%, which although very low is an improvement on yesterday. Compared to yesterday, I do feel a lot better. I'm more interested in doing things and I have my appetite back. Therapy suggest that keeping away from the things that cause or might cause another depressive low is the right course of action, so that is what I'll do.
I am beginning to wonder if I am becoming bi-polar. This was dismissed soon after my breakdown, but the roller coaster effect of my depression lends itself to this condition.
Depression is something that is fully understood only by those who suffer with the condition. Depression is indiscriminate and affects the people around and close to the sufferer. It is a destructive illness. Its damage is long lasting and in some cases permanent and at worst fatal.
Depression has taken me to some dark places. On at least one occasion, it took somewhere I very nearly didn't return from. Its pull is relentless. It never actually stops. The trick is to keep pulling in the other direction but it takes strength, lots of it.
I don't believe depression is something that simply goes away. It's always there and gets worse when it wins the fight. When I was young, it was easier to win over and keep at bay. As I've got older, it's been more and more difficult to control and severe episodes are painful and crippling.
I have been thinking about my earliest recollections of being affected by depression. Knowing what I do now, it is clear to me that I was suffering with depression in my teens. It was certainly undiagnosed back then and if anyone did know that I was suffering with it, then nothing was done. So much of my time was spent sleeping just to while away the hours. I would often drink myself to sleep and mix with painkillers. When I was working, I'd keep the depression at bay until I came home and I would spend the evening in bed feeling worthless and alone. This was the cycle for a long time.
In some ways things were worse then as there was no control. No one knew about it and the low moods just felt normal the way things were. Now there is some level of control. The medication prevents the worst effects from occurring. There are people around me aware of the condition and aware that I suffer with it. These people are dear to me and keep me going.

Tomorrow is my first NHS Volunteer's Meeting. I'm quite looking forward to it and it's a chance to meet with others from around the county who give so much of their time and energy to help and support others. I'm hoping I'll be able to find out more about the group funding bid process as it all does seem rather involved. As we are asking for more than £1000, there is a lot more work involved and possibly a requirement for the group to hold charity status. That will certainly be my focus for tomorrow, and this will hopefully keep the dark clouds at bay.