Pulling the rug...

I was saddened earlier this week to receive a letter informing me that our local NHS Trust is to withdraw support for our Spalding based mental health peer support group, Blue Skies. The group was set up three years ago to provide a safety net for those who either cannot get timely treatment for their condition or have been 'dropped' and left to fend for themselves by the Trust. At its peak, the group provided support three days a week to 50 members and offered a range of activities at its Spalding base. As a result of the Trust's decision, Blue Skies now faces closure unless it is able to find a way of funding the public liability insurance needed to cover its meetings. How can a group that so clearly does so much good for service users be closed down in the full knowledge that they have nowhere else to turn...?

Not with My Back & Musings on a Tuesday

With every bout of gardening or more rarely, decorating, comes the inevitable bad back. I've suffered with it for years and despite this I continue to push it to its limit and beyond. Today I am paying the price for my over-exertion. It's always the same - a day's gardening and a week's suffering and recovery. For anyone who doesn't suffer, it's difficult to understand. My wife is sympathetic as I groan and wince with every movement. But it's impossible to describe pain. You just learn to live with it and accept it as another limitation, which I do.

Like many, I have been appalled by the recent senseless loss of life in Afghanistan. Of course I refer to to the reported losses though I'm fully aware that there are countless numbers being lost on a daily basis, many of whom are innocent and literally the victims of ill-judged foreign policy. I don't really do politics, I don't have the time and frankly causes so much division in society. Instead, I remark on what I see as a failed mission for which its justification changes on a near daily basis. The longer we keep our people there, the more of them will sadly be lost, never to return to their families.
There is much talk currently regarding the gun-ho attitude of US troops and the atrocities committed by them in the name of 'American values'. Linked to this is the 'special relationship' we here in the UK are supposed to support and be proud of. I for one am beginning to question this relationship and wonder how much longer we can go on justifying it.

I attended my support group meeting earlier today. The talk was varied as normal but was more downbeat, covering such topics as financial hardship, benefit payments and employment support allowance. We also discovered that one of our members is a sufferer of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). It took great courage for her to open up to the group and I wonder if her tears were in part caused by the relief she must have felt in being able to discuss it. Just like depression, IBS is another illness that's been dragged into the open and is finally being discussed and better understood. I did also discover that a woman I had previously seen on many occasions driving erratically is in fact her.
Another of our members informed us that following a recent assessment of their illness, their employment support allowance is to be withdrawn forcing her to seek employment. Having spent some time in her company, I am in no doubt of her inability to work and fear that she is yet another victim of failed government health policy and unfair assessment.
Today was certainly a day of discovery. I informed the group of my visit to the bank and its outcome which I suppose could be called progress of sorts. After all, we still have our home.
The journey home was uneventful apart from finding that the car direction indicators stop after so many seconds use. I noticed this at a junction while I waited to turn left. The same seemed to happen when turning right. I suspect it may be a relay - the thing that does the tick-tick-tick sound. Sometimes these get hot and wear out. I remember having a similar problem with an old Volvo.
I stopped off at my parents on the way home. I'd received a couple of letters from Eon for their electricity incorrectly addressed to me. They've been doing this for a long time despite numerous requests to fix it. Once again I was met with a locked door and having to rouse them by repeatedly pressing the doorbell until one of them heard it. This does much to rile me and this was evident when I finally arrived home.

Weather today has been miserable, a blanket of grey and damp. I really had hoped to be able to spend some more time organising my plants for the Spring, but it wasn't to be sadly. Maybe tomorrow will be more conducive.

Finally for now, there could be no better advertisement for gay marriage (for which I am a supporter) than the site on the TV news today of David Cameron and Barrack Obama walking almost hand in hand toward the Whitehouse, jackets slung over their shoulders.

A New Friend

A pretty good day. I had a support group meeting this morning. It was much more lively than normal and we were introduced to a new member of our group. I'm the only male member in the group but for me this isn't a problem. I'm quite comfortable whatever the setting. Our new member really did very well considering for her it was a major step forward. Things started off slow but the group leader soon managed to make her feel at ease and I think she eventually became quite comfortable with our informal and friendly banter. I'm sure over the weeks she will become more comfortable and feel able to contribute. It was really interesting to learn how the illness had affected her and how she had lived with it for most of her life.
It really struck me today how I seem to have become a regular fixture of the group and how for me it has formed an important and valuable event in my sparse weekly schedule.
We discussed various things today from benefits to blogs. I mentioned that I use a blog as a vent for my feelings, thoughts and concerns. I did say that I post semi-anonymously but anyone determined enough could easily locate it and associate it to me. Everyone seemed interested and I explained that it seemed to work for me, which it does. Of course some prefer to keep diaries, sometimes written. I've tried all sorts but I always had a problem ensuring I updated it daily and I do find the blog far easier to use and maintain. As well as being a very loose record of what I've done and what I think, it will someday assist me to remember things. It will also be useful for me son one day to find out about his father and perhaps understand gain an insight into things I would normally keep hidden. Maybe.

Fitting-in

For the first time, I felt genuine support and true friendship at the depression support group I attend each Tuesday. Up to now, I've felt a little awkward, not really understanding how I fit into the group and whether I'm able to contribute anything worthwhile. Today's was definitely the best meeting so far. I really feel that we bonded and that I'm properly part of the group. We discussed a variety of topics. Granted, a lot of it was moaning and groaning about the general state of the country and the world, but we did find that on many issues, we were in agreement. Although it's a support group for people who suffer with depression, it's only rarely that we talk about our illness at any length. Instead, the topics are broad and varied - which is good. For certainly, if we were to discuss our illness at every session, we'd end up feeling worse than when we entered.
So my initial feelings of apathy toward the group have faded away and are replaced by a feeling of belonging. So that's good, really good.

A Meeting of The Like-Minded

I attended my first meeting this morning at 'Depressives Anonymous', a support group for sufferers of depression and anxiety. I was a little aprehensive at first but it was recommended that I attend, so I did. There were a lot fewer there than I'd expected. Half the group were made up of volunteers, who themselves suffer or had at some time suffered from depression.
It really was a classic support group setting and reminds me a little of the group featured in the BBC comedy 'Dear John'. If the aim of the group was to put everyone in a good mood, it sadly failed. Some of the talk was quite disturbing and one very troubled member of the group spoke of how his father had abused his sister. My problems paled into insignificance. These people had real problems and real reasons for their depression. I had just had a breakdown brought on by stress and my inability to continue doing my job.
There was something said that really put into prespective the suffering this guy had to endure. That was his wish to spend his life in prison. In his view, he would be secure there and would not have to worry about having to do the things we all have to do as members of society. He really wanted to be put away. He would be protected from himself. How awful it was to hear this. I felt almost as if I didn't belong in the group. It's voluntary that I attend, and I probably will again. It's good to talk and it's even better to talk with people who really understand. These people have all been through a similar experience. Some are free of it, others suffer in waves, just like me.
Lately, depression has been in the news. Gary Speed, the Welsh Football Captain took his own life in an apparent suicide at his home on 27th November. It's not known why he committed suicide or whether he had suffered from depression and his death remains a mystery. But it is widely speculated that depression was the cause and we discussed this in our group. We all agreed that depression is an illness suffered by countless numbers of people who either choose to live with it or for whom the condition is undiagnosed. I know myself that I suffered with depression for many years prior to my diagnosis a couple of years ago. Even now, despite powerful medication, I still suffer bouts of 'black cloud' syndrome. They come and go without warning and in no set pattern. The medication I think reduces their duration and their overall effect, but does have the side-effect of making me very tired - almost constantly so. But sleep is when I feel safest, the most relaxed and the most secure. It's a common theme amongst 'people like this'.
Apparently depression is now 'socially acceptable' and no longer frowned upon. But I still feel very awkward talking about it or admitting that I suffer from it. It's a very private illness and at the same time a very selfish illness by the fact it's so destructive, affecting all those around the sufferer. The fact is that everyone suffers.
So will I attend the next meeting? I expect so. If people have gone to the effort to arrange a support group then it is right to attend and offer my perspective. I hope to learn more about the illness. I've learnt so far that there are different levels of suffering. I've seen how extreme this can be and the pain it causes. I've learnt that I'm not alone and that there are people who genuinely care, people I have never met before who are interested in what I have to say. This is good, for the thing people often seek is a sympathetic ear.