Snowy Sunday Thoughts

There's a a lot going on at the moment. The weather has brought snow to many parts of the country and as usual, it has caused travel disruption and what can only be described as farcical scenes at London's Heathrow Airport. Should we be surprised? No, it happens every time we have snow and the slightest amounts result in cancelled flights and misery for travellers. Why do we get it so wrong every time. It is true that we are the laughing stock of other countries used to snow. Maybe it is just a British thing. We like to suffer and make things as difficult as we can. Snow is inevitable, especially in a changeable climate such as ours yet I read that we choose not to invest in snow clearing equipment as it is rare and wouldn't justify the expense. Try telling that to the passengers, many of whom have spent at least one night on the cold floor of the departures terminal.

On my mind this week have been money matters, specifically being asked for money we don't have. I know this causes my wife stress and she often spends sleepless nights worrying about how she is going to make her meagre part time wage stretch to cover our outgoings. With me, the worry is always there but it manifests itself as anxiety which will often build until an event such as a final demand letter or a threat of legal action sends me over the edge into a pit of despair. We've managed to keep the wolves from the door until now but I do feel we are headed for just such an event. In an attempt to prevent a crisis developing, our defence has been to send letters pleading our case. For the most part, this has been successful though there are cases where I am left wondering whether the letter has actually been read - as is the case with South Holland District Council. They are insisting we pay hundreds of pounds in council tax despite being told we cannot and having been sent a copy of our financial statement. They were also told of my delicate mental state which they also seem to have ignored. They will certainly be getting a very strongly worded letter.
I do try to reassure myself by realising we are not alone and that there are many thousands of families up and down the land in a similar situation. It doesn't stop me fearing every letter that comes through the door.

Therapy for me is the things that I enjoy, such as writing, listening to the radio and music - specifically finding music in the form of vinyl records in second hand shops. Saturday morning saw me again rummaging through a box of LP's in my favourite second hand store in Long Sutton. There is normally something new each week and out of five or six records, at least one will turn out to be a real gem. My gem(s) this week were a record of Henry Mancini's music which included the 'Pink Panther' and 'A Shot In The Dark' themes, and another K-Tel LP containing various well known songs.

A piece in today's Sunday Express highlighted the link between the effects of the recession and the rising suicide rate. This is something many have been aware of for some time, especially those who work in the field of mental health. It's a startling reminder of how things like financial well being and job security can push many to the brink and beyond. Those seeking re-employment having been made redundant are likely to become depressed as being constantly turned down for jobs leads them to view each day as pointless, often remaining in bed. I recognise and understand this very well. The numbers seeking psychological therapies has rocketed from 92,000 in 2009/10 to 320,000 in 2012. The figures speak volumes.
Yet there is no easy solution to any of this. The economy won't miraculously improve creating thousands of new jobs so the numbers of those suffering mental illness is likely to increase further. What makes life worse for so many of those affected is the poor care and support given to the mentally ill. The assessment process for benefits is so demeaning and flawed that many are made worse or pushed over the edge. Others simply decide not to go through it and end up in relative poverty. The system has to change.

Finally, I am utterly disgusted at hearing the new that Camelot are increasing the cost of lottery tickets. Surely this decision is simply based on greed. After all, they have failed to provide any satisfactory reason for doing this. I am sure I won't be alone in voicing my disdain at Camelot's decision and I for one will be boycotting the National Lottery in favour of the ethical alternative The Health Lottery who have also made public their views. So there.

I failed to record an audio journal this week, so I'll make sure I do an extra long one next week.
My Moodscope rating today is 61%.

CBT No More!

I've been attending CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions for the last three months and I was due to have my 6th session of the allocated 8 during the last week. I normally receive an SMS message to remind me of my appointment time but I didn't receive one. I rely on SMS reminders all the time and find it a great way of keeping me in check with my Google Calendar.
I called this morning hoping I could find out the time of my next appointment and I was told that I had been discharged (or struck-off) as I had missed my last appointment. I did stress that I hadn't received a text message but I was told I would have to now re-apply and join the (8 month) waiting list for therapy.
I'm a little angered that their reminder service has failed, but at the same time relieved that I no longer have the stress and anxiety of making sure I've completed the homework. To be honest, I really hated it and I do not believe it has done anything to help my depression. Depression cannot be controlled by CBT as I'm convinced that it is not caused by the way I think or analyse a problem.
I'm pretty glad to be shot of it. It wasn't working and it was doing me more harm than good. That's not to say it won't work for anyone - it will benefit someone - but not me.
So thanks all at NHS Riverside, Spalding. Your CBT therapy didn't work and neither did your reminder service.

CBT and Me

For the past three weeks, I have been attending a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) session each Tuesday in Spalding. It's supposed to help people who suffer with anxiety and depression to control their thoughts and behaviour, the thinking being that this will in turn control periods of depression and anxiety. I decided to approach the sessions with an open mind having heard both good and bad things from others who have had the therapy.
I've had three sessions so far and I'm still not really convinced that it's helping. A lot of it is about analysing thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am required to do some homework which consists of keeping a detailed diary of my activities and how I feel at the time together with my thoughts. Any 'spikes' where my anxiety levels are high or if I have a bout of depression, these are analysed and picked apart to understand why they happened and how they can be prevented from reoccurring.
I don't really see CBT as a cure. It won't stop me from worrying or from getting depressed. It will help me to identify the cycle that leads to my anxiety and depression. I do know that CBT certainly isn't for everyone. I spend time with people for whom CBT wasn't helpful and they stopped attending after a couple of sessions. I suppose I'm rather hopeful that something will be found that leads me to understand why I suffered a breakdown and why since then I have begun to suffer with anxiety and depression.
A lot of the analysis so far points towards me feeling an acute sense of failure and guilt. I don't provide and rely on my wife for pretty much everything.This fills me with a daily sense of worthlessness and no amount of CBT is really going to reduce this. The situation is the same and there is no magic wand to make everything right again.
I can't really say if the sessions have benefited me so far. I do have a greater understanding of the 'worry cycle' and why I get anxious about the same things over and over, such as the bank and debt. I can't though ever see a situation where I could simply dismiss a problem such as that.
I have a two week break from the sessions as the therapist is on holiday in Mexico. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be in a better position to judge its benefits.