Pulling the rug...

I was saddened earlier this week to receive a letter informing me that our local NHS Trust is to withdraw support for our Spalding based mental health peer support group, Blue Skies. The group was set up three years ago to provide a safety net for those who either cannot get timely treatment for their condition or have been 'dropped' and left to fend for themselves by the Trust. At its peak, the group provided support three days a week to 50 members and offered a range of activities at its Spalding base. As a result of the Trust's decision, Blue Skies now faces closure unless it is able to find a way of funding the public liability insurance needed to cover its meetings. How can a group that so clearly does so much good for service users be closed down in the full knowledge that they have nowhere else to turn...?

Catching up with the New Year

With all that's been going on, I'd almost forgotten about my blog. I've just been so busy with the work I do for Blue Skies and a few other jobs I'm doing for other people. In fact the work I do for Blue Skies is pretty much a full time job - unpaid of course as I am an NHS volunteer - and payment for me is seeing people leaving the group in a better state than when they arrived.

So much has happened since my last post. The weather has figured enormously and much of the country is still under water, especially the west where much of the Somerset Plains are submerged with villages literally cut off. As I type this, I see that Somerset have declared a 'major incident' and with the forecast predicting more heavy rain in the coming days, the situation there can only get worse. It's not good. There was something I was planning to write about, but it's gone completely out of my mind - as many things do. Unless I write things down and remember where I left the book or piece of paper I wrote them on, I forget. It's getting worse. My mind constantly malfunctions. If it were a computer, I would have thrown it out or sought an upgrade ages ago!

A bout of depression over New Year left me feeling there was little point to 2014. It took a long time for me to 'see sense' again and realise there's lots to look forward to. For the first time in over four years, I have a little money coming in. I'm being paid to look after social media accounts and a website for a friend who is trying to launch his business selling cosmetics and health & beauty products. I will also earn a little money spending time with a dear disabled friend of mine and I have my meagre expenses payments each month. I'm grateful to my friends who have all rallied round to help me which has enabled me to keep going with my volunteering work and avoid having to look for a job - a job I would have no hope of getting given my health problems. I'm in a 'good place' at the moment. There's so much going on in my head, I can't get myself adequately organised to formulate a proper post, but this can be seen as a stop-gap until I'm back in blogging mode once more. rest assured, there's plenty to come...

Frazzle

It was a real pleasure to welcome 'Frazzle' to our group today. I must admit 'Frazzle' isn't a name I would associate with such a creature as he's not exactly built for speed. For 'Frazzle' is a tortoise, and rather a large one at that. I'm told by his keeper that he's 20 years old has many more years ahead of him.

His companion 'Gollum' had found somewhere warm to hide... Next week, we're hosts to a snake! No one can accuse Blue Skies of lacking variety...

First Look at Our New Allotment

Today, I visited our new group allotment along with some members from Blue Skies. The allotment has been kindly donated to the group by one of our members and it is hoped that we will be able to grow our own herbs and vegetables with a view to selling them and using any surplus ourselves.

The site actually stretches to the trees just visible in the distance though we will only use the section that's been cleared to begin with.

There is much work to do, but I was hugely impressed by a couple of Polish chaps who had cleared a large area of weeds and overgrown grass and were busy constructing six plots for our members to tend themselves. Once the plots are complete, I'm told that they are to set about building a conservatory (the stack of wood and windows) for us to sit and relax in, or to shelter from the rain. A wood burning stove will provide warmth on cold days and provide the heat for a kettle and frying pan. They've thought of everything!

Working Full Time

I've been incredibly busy these three weeks with Blue Skies, the anxiety and depression support group I help run. In fact it's been almost like a full time job, the difference being I don't get paid a penny for my efforts. The role of Secretary has meant that I'm dealing with just about everything including publicity and keeping the website and Facebook page up to date. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it. I like being busy and having things to keep my mind occupied.

I was in Sleaford on Wednesday this week at an NHS managed Care Network event showcasing groups who have successfully bid for money from the Mental Illness Prevention Fund. The event was very well attended and perhaps a little on the small size for the number of groups present. We didn't have a stand - our opportunity will come at the next event as we are a wave 2 group. I was able to leave some leaflets scattered about the place and some of the new business cards I've had printed. Many of the usual faces were there, such as our friends from SHINE and NHS Lincolnshire Partnership Foundation Trust. There were also representatives of the many groups, similar to ours, dotted around the county, groups such as 'Beyond the Blues' at Sleaford and 'New Life Craft & Social Club' in Spilsby. These fine groups are all doing their bit, helping people with mental illness, providing support and friendship and providing opportunity to acquire new skills and hobbies.
To bring all these groups together and to provide a single voice for mental health in Lincolnshire, we have the SHINE network of which we (Blue Skies) are proud to be ambassadors promoting their good work from our Spalding site. Never before has the focus on and attention given to mental health in Lincolnshire been greater. I get a real sense that people are talking about it more and in so doing, more people are beginning to come forward to seek help and support.

We have already seen an increase in our membership and we are beginning to see more referrals from within our local NHS. This is all great and we are anxious for it to continue.
The money given to Blue Skies and other similar groups is testament to how much the NHS and local authorities value the work we are doing. We are in our small way preventing those in our membership from falling ill and and needing the services of health care professionals.

This last week has been devoted to getting our new website online. We now own the domain blueskieslincs.org.uk - this was the cheapest of the variations on Blue Skies that were on offer. The domain enables us to have a website and to have an unlimited number of mailboxes for our committee and group members. I now have the bare bones published and I am hoping to add more content in the coming weeks. As a group, we are planning to make our own cards and other craft items to sell through our eBay shop and via our website. Much of it will be made to order and I will be developing the means for people to buy online.

We've been told that we need to spend all of the money we receive and I'm pleased to say that as far as the first payment is concerned, we have done just that. £2,500 sounds like a lot of money, but in less than two months, we have managed to spend the lot.  We do have a lot to show for it - a huge amount of arts and crafts material and a projector, screen and sound system enabling us to run our own training sessions, watch films or play Wii games. This installation wopuld alone have cost around £2,000 to complete though through the good will and generosity of a number of people, this has been done for free. All of this is aimed at reducing mental illness and encouraging our members to take an interest in an activity and stay well.

We're not alone in what we are doing. There are groups such as ours all over Lincolnshire. Occasionally, we come together at various NHS run events and it's an opportunity for us to find out what the others are doing and to showcase our project. Success can be judged by the people we are helping, their eagerness to come to each session and their individual testament to how they have benefited from what we are doing. It is this information that will help to build a quarterly report showing how the funding has been used to benefit people who suffer with mental illness. I'm expecting to produce our first report in July and I am looking forward to the opportunity to document our own success stories.

There's only problem with this funding and I have to reflect the good as well as the bad- it's the fact that the money has to be spent on the proposed projects and only the proposed projects. Although the projects are there to prevent mental illness, should any of our members fall ill and are at risk through lack of personal funds, we cannot help them by giving them the money for a meal or to pay a bill. It would seem to me that there are limitations when it comes to preventing mental illness and I have been witness to a case recently whereby we could easily have helped someone from reaching crisis point (an NHS term) and being admitted to Boston's Pilgrim Hospital. We had the money, but we couldn't help. Nothing is ever all that it seems sadly and it is a shame that we cannot help those that this whole thing is designed to do.

Spending Spree

I've been spending a lot of money, though sadly it's not my own. The money is the funding we (Blue Skies) have received from the NHS Mental Illness Prevention Fund in support of two projects we are running - Arts & Crafts and Computer Skills.
I do find spending money to be an excellent form of therapy but what makes it feel all the better is that the money is buying things that will make people's lives better. The arts & crafts equipment will allow our group members to make things they wouldn't normally be able to and to develop their creative skills thus improving their confidence and feelings of self-worth.
The computer skills project will enable our members without computers at home to learn how to use them and gain access to the Internet. We have provided the facility for them to scan and print documents and to even try their hand at digital photography. For many, it will be a new experience though I'm confident that within a few weeks, they will have developed the confidence and knowledge to log on to a computer and access the Internet.

Publicity

The article about Blue Skies appeared online Friday. I did worry in case I had been mis-quoted as the newspapers don't tend to seek you approval beforehand. It was actually rather good and I was pleased that it emphasised the fact that we'd been successful in winning a funding grant and the things we are planning to do with the money.

Support group’s cash boost

Published on 14/03/2013 16:05

Spalding’s Blue Skies peer support group is expanding its activities after winning a £3,600 grant from the Government’s Mental Illness Prevention Fund.

The cash, expected at the end of the month, will be split between funding existing weekly Thursday art and craft sessions at the Ivo Day Centre, and buying computers, IT training and digital photography equipment.

Group spokesman Matt Webb said: “There are 15 of us in the group, and it’s growing as we’re getting more referrals through doctors and social workers.

“We want to raise awareness that we’re here for everyone who has mental health issues, many of whom, particularly men, never tell anyone their problems and become isolated.

“Once you get like that, it may seem impossible to open up to anyone, even your GP, about how you feel, and that way you can become seriously ill. For many people the only way out is to find people you can talk about it with.”

The group renamed itself Blue Skies a year ago when it launched the Thursday craft workshop on top of weekly talking meetings on Tuesdays at the Johnson Hospital.

Matt, whose background is in IT training, aims not only to enable people to use the Internet more productively in leisure time, but also to enable people, including those who have recently been released back into the community, to go online to access and apply for anything from accommodation and training to jobs and benefits.

More than 30 visitors came along to a Blue Skies Mental Health Awareness evening and art exhibition (pictured) at the Ivo Day Centre earlier in the month.

Get in touch by ringing 01775 652300 and leaving a message for Blue Skies, emailing blueskies.lincs@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/blueskies.lincs

In the Local, Parting with One of My Babies & Weird Weather

I was contacted by our local newspaper the Lincs Free Press today who want to run a feature on our Blue Skies support group. I had expected them to simply print the photo they had taken at our mental health awareness evening on 1st March but the woman I spoke to wanted to do a larger editorial. This is great as publicity is always a problem with any type of group and I'm hopeful that the group will become known to a larger number of sufferers and professionals across the county.

As an act of charity, I have decided to part with one of my DVD recorders and give this to one of our group members. He has a DVD-Video combi machine and asked me to look at it for him as the discs were failing to load. I disassembled it and found that the tray had become jammed. Being made almost entirely of plastic, it's just a matter of time before it wore out. Sadly nothing is ever built to last nowadays. It is possible to replace the drive as everything inside is modular, but a new drive would cost £200 plus shipping rendering this option void. I feel sorry for him. OK he didn't pay much for it in the first place - just £5 from a charity shop. He uses it to transfer films from his camcorder to DVD.
Over the years, I have collected various items of equipment, much of it obsolete as everything I want to watch can be downloaded from the Internet in a matter of minutes and put straight onto DVD if needed. It occurred to me that I do have a couple of DVD recorders. One I use solely for its inbuilt Freeview tuner, the other I tend not to use. As much as it pains me to part with it, I have decided to donate this to him to enable him to continue transferring his films to DVD. It's a good solid machine, and works well.
My wife will tell anyone that when it comes to giving away equipment, to me, it is like losing a family member. She is right in a way. I do become attached to things and I get used to seeing things in certain places. In some ways it is a comfort. I do though feel good about what I am doing. I know it will be going to a good home and I feel good for being able to help someone.

Is it just here or are we having some pretty wild weather at the moment? As I sign off from this post, it has become very dark and we have a sort of hail storm with tiny snowballs now covering the garden. A few minutes ago we had bright sunshine...

Being 40 and a Successful Evening

I turned 40 last Thursday. There, I've said it. I really didn't want to make a big deal of it and thankfully the day passed with the minimum of fuss. I had been secretly dreading it - I don't know why as most of the people I work with are in their 40's and 50's, some even older. Most are in good health physically and some act as if thy were twenty or thirty years younger.
Being 40 doesn't make me feel much different to how I felt when I was 39. I still have the same aches and pains and I don't gain any sort of additional entitlement having advanced an extra year. I suppose it does give me license to grunt more and to tut at the prices of every day items and food staples. On a brief visit to my parents earlier, I heard my father bemoan the fact that the local newspaper now costs 'thirteen shillings'. This is apparently 65 pence in new money. Oh how I am beginning to sound like him, for I said a similar thing in Asda only the other day to nods of agreement from other shoppers within my new age group.
What makes me feel old is being able to remember when things were cheap and when you went home with a full shopping bag and change from a ten pound note.

Last Friday evening was our Surfing the Waves event - an evening of mental health awareness. In truth the whole thing had been organised by a colleague. We (Blue Skies) were there to promote our activities and exhibit some of our artwork. Attendance was good and the talks well received. I learnt an awful lot about Cannabis, much of it reinforcing my conviction to steer well clear of it. There are conflicting views on whether it aids or worsens mental health conditions and a lot is still unknown. Cannabis is something I have tried once before. All it did for me was to reduce me to fit of giggles which lasted for hours and left me feeling very hungry. We were treated to a talk from one of our local NHS Governors who informed us of the good work being done in Lincolnshire to streamline mental health services. Our host also gave a brief talk for which she can be justly proud. It takes a lot of courage to stand in front of a group of strangers and talk in intimate detail about your struggle with poor mental health.
It was nice to meet some new people too, particularly the SHINE ambassador who, I found out to my utter disbelief, hadn't been informed of Andrew Harrison's passing last year. I was mortified at having been the one to break the news to her and once she had calmed down and composed herself once more, managed to give a good talk about SHINE to the gathered audience.
It was a good evening for Blue Skies also, and we attracted a lot of interest from not just the visiting public but the local press also. Our art display was their main focus of attention and grabbing the largest of our paintings, the photographer insisted we have our photograph taken. I didn't have the heart or the nerve to tell him we hadn't painted it and if anything is said we will claim it is a copy! After all, it isn't signed. As soon as the photo is published, I'll insert it into this post.
Our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/blueskies.lincs has had a few more 'likes' since Friday and a couple of nice comments have appeared.
So for our first evening of mental health awareness, we can certainly claim it a success. Now we've 'done' one, perhaps we should do another later in the year?

Andrew Harrison

A couple of hours ago, I learnt that Andrew Harrison of SHINE died Monday afternoon. Many will know him as 'Captain Rainbow' after his AOL email address.
Andrew had suffered with mental health issues for many years and used to work in the NHS until his illness forced early retirement. He decided to devote his time and energy to promoting mental health awareness and lobbied the NHS and health professionals regularly to provide funding and better care for the growing numbers of sufferers throughout Lincolnshire. Andrew did a lot of good work for a lot of people and there will be many this evening who will be shocked and distraught at his early death.
I had met Andrew a few weeks ago when I attended a course he was running at Renew+ in Lincoln with one of my colleagues. I came away in no doubt that Andrew was passionate about mental health, and though a little eccentric, he knew all there was to know on the subject. I was glad that we had had the opportunity to meet him and had begun to form connections between the SHINE Network and our group in South Holland. By working together, I was convinced we could do good things and extend the support we provide to a larger number of people.
It is so sad to think that someone who trained others to look after themselves and spot the signs of depression and mental illness, surrounded by so many supportive people, has himself decided to end his life. It is a reminder that mental illness can take the ultimate toll on anyone, even the best trained and best informed. Andrew's death is an enormous loss to the campaign for better mental health awareness and the fight against the path of destruction this government has set for the NHS and mental health services. I just hope that SHINE and the countless other organisations Andrew was involved with continue his work and maintain the fight for the growing number of people affected by mental illness.

I have sent a message of condolence on behalf of my support group, Blue Skies. Our thoughts and prayers are with Andrew's family, friends and colleagues at this tragic time.

RIP Andrew.

Involve@Lincoln have a dedicated page on Facebook where messages can be read and left;

www.facebook.com/pages/incolvelincoln

There is an Andrew Harrison Memorial site where messages of condolence can be left;
http://andrewmemorial.posterous.com/

A Fine Course & A Broken BBC

A bit to catch up on in this post. My last week has been pretty good. I attended a Mental Health First Aid training course in Louth Thursday and Friday along with one of my support group colleagues. It was my first time in Louth since accidentally visiting it a few years ago in a desperate search for petrol one night. We were staying in Mablethorpe at the time.
The course was excellent. It was delivered by two of the finest mental health experts I know - Linda O'Hara and Jean Westcott. It covered every aspect of mental health first aid - the differing types of illness, causes, symptoms and treatments. They did very well to cram everything into two days and I found the course to be the most informative I have attended to date.
The attendees were made up of professionals, sufferers and parents - a real mix. During the introductions, the group found out that I help run a support group and this attracted considerable interest. I was reminded once again of the shortage of support services throughout the county. As a result, I was approached by two of the attendees - the first were parents who's son suffers with mental health problems. He is keen to find a support group in the area. The other is a chap who has served in the RAF for more than thirty years. He suffers PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and severe mental health problems. He too is keen to attend a support group, and doesn't mind travelling. I'm sure he will fit in very well, and I am confident the group will be able to provide the support and comfort he seeks.
We learnt a great deal, including how the government spending cuts are impacting on mental health services. It was worrying to hear that the Crisis Response Teams are only able to attend situations between the hours of 9-5 Monday to Friday. Anyone having a crisis outside of these times will have to wait until the service is next available. How terrible... I can honestly see a situation soon where trained volunteers will be required to provide these much needed services, much in the same way that David Cameron wishes to have a million trained Dementia Volunteers in the next couple of years to spot the early signs of Dementia.
It is very sad that the real sufferers of the government's spending cuts are those who most need the services that are being restricted and at worst, withdrawn completely. The cumulative effect can only be to increase fear and suffering, increase the risk of self-harm amongst the vulnerable, and increase further the number of needless suicides attributed to government health and welfare policy.
I nearly forgot to mention that we also came away from the course with our very first group fundraiser. She is the mother of a son who suffers, and she told me that she had decided to redirect all her fund raising activities to supporting our group. How wonderful and how kind that someone I hadn't met before has chosen to do this.

On the subject of Blue Skies, we now have our draft constitution which I need to edit slightly. We need this in order to open a bank account next week so we can deposit our funds and provide an account for any funding bid monies to be paid into. I'm not sure yet as the the position I will occupy on the Committee. I believe we need at least five committee members and we are required to meet regularly, similar to the way in which companies and CIC's operate. I should be in a better position to know what my duties and responsibilities will be next week.
I came away from the MHFA course with a load of leaflets and booklets on a broad range of mental health subjects. The information in them is very good so I have decided to set up a small library of documents and booklets available to the group. For the time being, it will need to be a mobile library that can be carried to each session. This will compliment what I already have available on my site.

I have to mention the crisis affecting the BBC. I do so as I'm actually quite fond of it and value greatly the quality and range of programming it makes available.
What is very clear to me is that a systemic failure has led to serious errors being made. The resignation of George Entwistle has been unavoidable given the lack of basic management that led to a film being shown accusing a senior public figure of one of the worst possible crimes. This film was shortly after transmission found to be wholly inaccurate and it beggars belief that such a film could have been shown unchecked and without being passed by someone in a senior management position. If I had been DG, I would certainly have requested that anything as high profile be shown to me first together with the supporting evidence. This clearly did not happen and I suspect George Entwistle won't be the last to fore go his position.
It really is so sad to see such an esteemed organisation as the BBC left open to such criticism and distrust, especially when the mistakes appear to be so rudimentary and basic. The live radio grilling by John Humphreys played a huge part in the events that led to Entwistle's resignation last night. It made for painful listening and it was clear that the damage caused by the on air mauling had been pretty massive.
Someone needs to take a firm hold of the BBC rudder to restore public confidence and instill a renewed code of ethics and editorial control.

A Rare Creative Burst...

I have been in a creative mood today and this afternoon I used this brief improvement in mood to finish off the leaflet and poster I have been designing for my Blue Skies Support Group. I've been fiddling about with the leaflet for some time, adjusting the text width so it fits onto a traditional 3-column sheet of A4 printed both sides. I've finally perfected it and made sure I saved my latest changes and printed what turned out to be my only proof copy as the ink promptly ran dry in my colour printer. At least I can take it with me to the Group tomorrow and pass on to our manager for approval.
I have to say that I'm quite pleased with it, even if I do say so myself, and it's reassuring to know that my creative skills haven't quite left me.

I'm rather hopeful that I can get them printed by the Trust or I'll need to buy some more ink and paper. The plan is for them to be placed in medical centres and waiting rooms around South Holland.

My mood today is much improved. I spent some time watching David Cameron preach to the faithful earlier at the closing speech of the Conservative Party Conference. I'm afraid I just found him to be as patronising, out of touch and as arrogant as ever. I really hope he isn't voted in for a second term.

My wife and son have recently returned from a school trip to Tattershall Castle. As I recall, it's on the way to Coningsby and I used to pass it every day when I worked at RAF Coningsby teaching pilots and ground crews how to use computers. They had a good time by all accounts and even managed to climb the 150 steps to the top. Rather them than me...

Despite my creative peak, my Moodscope rating this morning was again just 10%. At least it's remaining pretty much constant.

I think we're planning to do some arts and crafts at the Group tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to it and spending time with people I respect, value and am very fond of. I'm really hoping my raised spirit will last into tomorrow and perhaps beyond, but I really should take just one day at a time and not be too ambitious.

On a high... But for how long?

We had a good meeting yesterday at the NHS T&D Centre in Sleaford. It was a good job my two colleagues and I attended or there would have been just one other there. I had expected a conference room full of volunteer staff, instead we had a small meeting room and board table. It would have made more sense I think to have had one big meeting with volunteer staff from all parts of Lincolnshire, but being such a vast county there would have been many for whom the trek there would have been too much.
We did manage to come away with some new information and also had the opportunity to spend some time discussing our Mental Health Prevention Fund bid and apportion parts of the bid application to each of us to complete.
It was also useful to find out that we are able to use the venue for any group committee meetings we hold in the future. Apparently we need to meet monthly, particularly if we go for charity status, which is becoming more likely given the fact we will be requesting more than £1k.
It was actually very enjoyable, not just the meeting, but the opportunity for the three of us to go somewhere different and spend some time together. It was clear to me that over the last few months, we had all developed a bond of friendship with each other which I feel will be strong and lasting. This makes me feel good.
My mood had lifted slightly, well I felt it had. My Moodscope rating yesterday was 10% again, but I'm not sure if it accurately reflected my mental state. I certainly felt more active and interested in what was going on around me and the deep depression of the last few days had definitely lifted.
Today I actually felt almost free from depression, though my Moodscope rating this morning was actually just 9% - one of my lowest scores so far. So although the symptoms of despair were there, they hadn't manifested themselves into a low mood. Interesting...
At today's Support Group, we had a guest speaker - a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who came to tell us a little about his job and give a Q&A session. It was all very interesting and I was curious to know how he had got into the role and what had led him there.
We also had a new (male) member join us today and he was well received by all. I'm hopeful he will come again as I very much enjoyed his input and I'm sure he can benefit from the Group. We do still need to increase our numbers and it would be nice if we could attract more men though it is acknowledged that men are the least likely to seek help and therapy in the form that we provide.
I need to work some more on the Blue Skies leaflet tomorrow with a view to completing it. I need to take the final proof with me on Thursday. Hopefully we'll soon be able to get them printed. I'll also finish off the poster so we can get it put up in waiting rooms and medical centres.
I certainly feel on a high at the moment and such a contrast to the last week. I'm interested in doing things and I have been busy typing letters, something I very much enjoy, mainly to banks. I just hope this surge of energy and high spirits lasts, but knowing my condition, I'll soon be back in my pit of despair. That's what makes me think I'm bi-polar and why others think I am too.

Blue Skies Funding

I've been told to expect this week the forms needed to submit our support group funding request from the mental health prevention fund. I believe we are in with a good chance of securing money for art and craft materials and computers enabling us to extend the range of activities and skills we are able to provide our group members.
I'm not too sure of the bid process, but having done countless business plans and proposals in the past, I don't foresee any real problems.
There is certainly a keenness for computer skills training which I can provide, and art classes will hopefully lead to us collaborating with ArtLinc and possibly exhibiting our works in their galleries. We will be visiting the ArtLinc Group at their Lincoln base very soon.
So all looking good so far, and we continue to attract new group members though we could certainly do with  some more men(!)

Ups & Downs

I find myself feeling a little odd today. I should be busy but following the last week, I can't help feeling I should be due a rest. The last week has certainly had its ups and downs. The ups are certainly related to my volunteering work and having gained approval for a leaflet I've produced along with a poster for displaying in GP surgeries and waiting rooms. I've also come up with a name for our group, 'Blue Skies'. I didn't really spend very much time researching it, a few minutes on the Internet was all it took. Again, I have approval for this too and the group now feels more official and as having a formal identity.
I hadn't really set out to do all this myself. I have to be in a creative mood and last weekend I felt inspired to start work on a leaflet describing the group with a view to making it sound appealing for anyone interested in joining. I am aware of many groups dotted around the county who have done similar things and having seen their leaflets, I was convinced that we could do the same.
I need to do just a little more work on it before emailing it off to our volunteer services manager for final approval. I am rather hoping he will arrange for them to be printed.
So that's all been rather good. Our volunteer services manager did pay us all a visit on Thursday where he discussed with us funding and getting involved with a project run in Lincoln called ArtLinc. It just so happens that we have been looking at art & craft activities and this fits rather well. Added to this, we have two semi-professional artists within the group who could look after this. I have charged myself with setting up computer classes for anyone interested, and this will be my baby.
The week has certainly had its downs. Once again I have been pushed to the brink of despair by my bank, who knowing my situation have allowed me to pay a reduced contribution towards my mortgage. They called me to let me know that this arrangement had run out and that they were prepared to extend it until the end of November. They also made a point of reminding me of the arrears.
The whole thing just served to plunge me into a deep depressive low. At the time, I could see no way out, a reminder of how I used to feel and the desperation that would take me to some very dark places. Added to this, my accountant chose the worst possible time to remind me that my tax return was soon due meaning more expense as he does this for me. Although it is all zeros as I haven't received a penny all year, I still end up paying about £150 for the privilege of letting HMRC know!
I know that things with the bank look worse than they probably are and that I'll still be sat here typing my blog this time next year. Anxiety and depression make you see the worst of a situation. You worry about the worst possible outcome and despite being told that things will be different, you simply cannot see things that way. It is nothing less than a mind controlling illness, producing irrational fear and dread. For a non-sufferer, it is impossible to understand the mind of someone affected. I spend a lot of time with other people who encounter the illness on a near daily basis. I need not explain to them how I feel when the bank get in touch - they know. In a way, this is a comfort. I am not alone. They cannot help with my situation - the fact still remains that I cannot pay the bank what I owe them, well not right now anyway. Wait a few more years until I'm 55 and they can have every penny with interest, courtesy of my private pension.
It's this constant fear of the unknown that keeps me on this roller coaster of emotions. I cannot now see beyond November and I fear that we will spend Christmas with the prospect of losing our home in the new year. That is unless we are able to sort something out between now and then. There are certain 'rescue schemes' I have read about where the council can buy your home from you and you then pay a reduced rent to continue living in it. This might be an option if the worst comes to the worst.
It's the worry also. It's always there. It's the first thoughts that enter my head when I wake in the morning - the dire situation we're in and the guilt at having created and being responsible for the situation. This is the worst time of the day for me. The realisation that it's not all a dream, it's real.
I'm constantly told to focus on the good things, and to turn negatives into positives. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.