Catching up with the New Year

With all that's been going on, I'd almost forgotten about my blog. I've just been so busy with the work I do for Blue Skies and a few other jobs I'm doing for other people. In fact the work I do for Blue Skies is pretty much a full time job - unpaid of course as I am an NHS volunteer - and payment for me is seeing people leaving the group in a better state than when they arrived.

So much has happened since my last post. The weather has figured enormously and much of the country is still under water, especially the west where much of the Somerset Plains are submerged with villages literally cut off. As I type this, I see that Somerset have declared a 'major incident' and with the forecast predicting more heavy rain in the coming days, the situation there can only get worse. It's not good. There was something I was planning to write about, but it's gone completely out of my mind - as many things do. Unless I write things down and remember where I left the book or piece of paper I wrote them on, I forget. It's getting worse. My mind constantly malfunctions. If it were a computer, I would have thrown it out or sought an upgrade ages ago!

A bout of depression over New Year left me feeling there was little point to 2014. It took a long time for me to 'see sense' again and realise there's lots to look forward to. For the first time in over four years, I have a little money coming in. I'm being paid to look after social media accounts and a website for a friend who is trying to launch his business selling cosmetics and health & beauty products. I will also earn a little money spending time with a dear disabled friend of mine and I have my meagre expenses payments each month. I'm grateful to my friends who have all rallied round to help me which has enabled me to keep going with my volunteering work and avoid having to look for a job - a job I would have no hope of getting given my health problems. I'm in a 'good place' at the moment. There's so much going on in my head, I can't get myself adequately organised to formulate a proper post, but this can be seen as a stop-gap until I'm back in blogging mode once more. rest assured, there's plenty to come...

Battle Scarred

Anyone who suffers with depression will know how crippling and painful it can be. People often ask me how it feels to suffer a bout of depression. Sometimes I am asked by people who suffer themselves. They want to know if I feel the same as them, for they like me find it impossible to make the majority of people who don't suffer understand what it is really like. To complicate things further, every sufferer is different. There isn't one 'flavour' of depression. Everyone seems to experience it differently. I can only really talk with any certainty about myself. I know how it feels for me and I sometimes assume that others will feel the same way. This isn't always true. Some suffer excruciating headaches whereas others become very tired and unable to even get out of bed each morning. We are all different but at the same time have one thing in common, we suffer.
I have just 'come out the other side' from another dark bout of depression. There was no trigger, no event or barbed comment - it just enveloped me as it often does. It chose Sunday, my most hated day of the week, to appear and stayed with me well into Monday night. Forcing myself on Tuesday to attend group was, in hindsight, the correct decision - despite my mind telling me not to. It made me feel better, a lot better. I was with people who understand and they instinctively know what to say and do. They are practised in it.
That afternoon I was 'dragged' to a short training session in Boston on the subject of fund raising. I really didn't think I would stay awake through it, but to my amazement, I did and by the end of it I was awake, in a better mood and hungry once more. Every bout of depression acts as a very effective appetite suppressant, switching off those things inside that regulate hunger and interest in food. It happens every time, but for a diabetic it's far from good and I often end up force feeding myself something sweet to prevent my blood sugar falling too low.
People I know who suffer alter the dosage of their medication to suit how they are feeling. This is something I haven't done as yet, but I did call my medical centre to find out if my dosage could be increased. Knowing I wasn't coping well, I would have expected someone to have called me back. They haven't. How fortunate it is that I'm not having a crisis.
I'm due an appointment soon to meet my new GP and have my medication reviewed. No doubt I can discuss this then.
I was talking the other day with a friend and we remarked at how depression is one of the few illnesses that doesn't leave a mark. From the outside there is really nothing to indicate a person suffers with depression. For this reason, I suspect that some turn to self-harm to provide this sign. They do it through frustration to provide something physical that another person can relate to. It is also done to release some of the pain caused by depression, and it does actually help. This may seem a mad statement to many but it can be seen as a very effective safety valve, often taking the form of scratching or cutting. Again I know people for whom this is a coping mechanism. It does work. How do I know this? I have the scars from my latest battle.

Seeing Santa on the North Norfolk Railway

Today we took our Son to see Santa on the North Norfolk Railway. This has become something of a regular December event and it's something we really enjoy. My in-laws very kindly paid for all of  us to go this year and drove us there and back, so we didn't really have to pay for anything. Although I'm very grateful, I still feel an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment at not being able to contribute anything. The feelings were so acute this morning that I had what can only be described as an anxiety attack on the way there. My coping mechanism this time was to scratch at my wrist and right hand. I'd already cut my arm again the day previous after a bout of depression. Anyone who self harms will tell you that it is something they have to do to cope with a situation and that it actually makes them feel better. It is something they need to so. For me, it does seem to work. On this occasion, it was a reaction to being extremely anxious, wanting to be somewhere else and feeling judged. I felt really uncomfortable and trapped.

It wasn't until we boarded the train that my anxiety began to lift. My wife had sensed how I was feeling and did her best to calm me. The atmosphere was festive and there was much going on to take my mind off my feelings. We each (adults) received a very nice home made mince pie and a very nice sherry. The children received some chocolate and a soft drink.
As normal, the train was full. This is a very popular event on the NNR's calendar and clearly a major source of income for them. The train staff, all volunteers, really pulled out all the stops and made the journey to Weybourne very enjoyable with a mix of songs, balloon modelling and juggling.
At Weybourne, Santa and his elves greeted the train as it entered the station. This produced excited squeals amongst the children and it's always something I look forward to. I simply love the look on my Son's face and it makes me wish he didn't have to grow older.
Families left the train to see Santa a coach at a time, which was good as we didn't have to stand in the cold. The train was actually very warm. The vintage steam heating system was working very well.

The walk through to see Santa is a pleasant experience. There are displays to keep the children interested and it is well heated. Santa's grotto is very well done. It is clear to see the time and effort that goes into making this event happen each year, and the quality is excellent. There were real coal fires everywhere, including in Santa's grotto which really added to the scene perfectly. Santa was as always superb and our Son was given his gift and asked what he wanted for Christmas, to which he replied 'a bow and arrow'. Quite where he developed this fascination for archery from, I really don't know, and I could tell Santa was rather taken aback by his request.
A walk up and down the station and a few more photos and we were soon back on the train and in a few minutes were heading back to Sherringham, Santa and his elves waving frantically as the train pulled out of the station.
Once again, I have nothing but praise for the NNR and their merry band of volunteer staff. Without their enthusiasm each year, this event couldn't happen and it was good to see them getting involved in the festive fun as much as the parents and children. A huge thanks to them and a recommendation to anyone who wishes for an enjoyable trip by train to see Santa. It's a bonus if you have kids!
Well done again North Norfolk Railway... We'll see you again next year!

This time of year...

I have for a long time believed that the weather has a direct effect on a person's mental health. Having said that, I've always doubted to what extent I am affected by it.
This week, the weather has been pretty awful. It has been damp, grey and misty. The roads, especially around here, are covered in mud making any attempt to maintain a clean car utterly futile. Anyone suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) will be finding it particularly difficult. I know people who live in dread of the Winter months. Light boxes go some way to lessen the effects and many insist on keeping lights on day and night. It's how they cope.
For me, the current weather conditions do certainly impact on my mood, though I couldn't say by how much. There is an enormous difference between feeling simply down and missing the sun to feeling the effects of clinical depression and the crippling despair that this brings. There is seldom ever a unique trigger that sets off a bout of depression. I suspect it is normally a combination of things that contribute to creating a chemical imbalance. Once started, the effects of the imbalance are impossible to reverse - one just has to ride it out and hope it doesn't last too long.
People I know suffer this condition. I see when they are on a high and I see them when they are at their lowest. There is nothing I can do to lessen the effects or make them feel better. I can only empathise with them. I understand what they are going through.
There are others I know who find the change from long warm Summer days to shorter colder Winter days difficult to cope with. Often sports and other recreational activities with friends are curtailed until the following season and hours normally occupied in such pursuits are instead spent alone. It is very easy to become low and despondent. Add to this Seasonal Affective Disorder and this can be a tough time for many.

CBT No More!

I've been attending CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions for the last three months and I was due to have my 6th session of the allocated 8 during the last week. I normally receive an SMS message to remind me of my appointment time but I didn't receive one. I rely on SMS reminders all the time and find it a great way of keeping me in check with my Google Calendar.
I called this morning hoping I could find out the time of my next appointment and I was told that I had been discharged (or struck-off) as I had missed my last appointment. I did stress that I hadn't received a text message but I was told I would have to now re-apply and join the (8 month) waiting list for therapy.
I'm a little angered that their reminder service has failed, but at the same time relieved that I no longer have the stress and anxiety of making sure I've completed the homework. To be honest, I really hated it and I do not believe it has done anything to help my depression. Depression cannot be controlled by CBT as I'm convinced that it is not caused by the way I think or analyse a problem.
I'm pretty glad to be shot of it. It wasn't working and it was doing me more harm than good. That's not to say it won't work for anyone - it will benefit someone - but not me.
So thanks all at NHS Riverside, Spalding. Your CBT therapy didn't work and neither did your reminder service.

Improvement & Focus

A better day today. My Moodscope rating is 10%, which although very low is an improvement on yesterday. Compared to yesterday, I do feel a lot better. I'm more interested in doing things and I have my appetite back. Therapy suggest that keeping away from the things that cause or might cause another depressive low is the right course of action, so that is what I'll do.
I am beginning to wonder if I am becoming bi-polar. This was dismissed soon after my breakdown, but the roller coaster effect of my depression lends itself to this condition.
Depression is something that is fully understood only by those who suffer with the condition. Depression is indiscriminate and affects the people around and close to the sufferer. It is a destructive illness. Its damage is long lasting and in some cases permanent and at worst fatal.
Depression has taken me to some dark places. On at least one occasion, it took somewhere I very nearly didn't return from. Its pull is relentless. It never actually stops. The trick is to keep pulling in the other direction but it takes strength, lots of it.
I don't believe depression is something that simply goes away. It's always there and gets worse when it wins the fight. When I was young, it was easier to win over and keep at bay. As I've got older, it's been more and more difficult to control and severe episodes are painful and crippling.
I have been thinking about my earliest recollections of being affected by depression. Knowing what I do now, it is clear to me that I was suffering with depression in my teens. It was certainly undiagnosed back then and if anyone did know that I was suffering with it, then nothing was done. So much of my time was spent sleeping just to while away the hours. I would often drink myself to sleep and mix with painkillers. When I was working, I'd keep the depression at bay until I came home and I would spend the evening in bed feeling worthless and alone. This was the cycle for a long time.
In some ways things were worse then as there was no control. No one knew about it and the low moods just felt normal the way things were. Now there is some level of control. The medication prevents the worst effects from occurring. There are people around me aware of the condition and aware that I suffer with it. These people are dear to me and keep me going.

Tomorrow is my first NHS Volunteer's Meeting. I'm quite looking forward to it and it's a chance to meet with others from around the county who give so much of their time and energy to help and support others. I'm hoping I'll be able to find out more about the group funding bid process as it all does seem rather involved. As we are asking for more than £1000, there is a lot more work involved and possibly a requirement for the group to hold charity status. That will certainly be my focus for tomorrow, and this will hopefully keep the dark clouds at bay.

Sinking a Little

I do feel as if I'm sinking today. I've been low for the last few days and I've been waking up depressed. The tiredness is ten times worse than normal and I can fall asleep in seconds if I don't fight the urge.
I haven't felt like this for a while. The bouts of depression are normally a few days apart but this one certainly has a tight hold at the moment.
I should be active. There are things I could be doing, but the energy simply isn't there. I cannot motivate myself to do much at all. I did vacuum this morning which I'm pleased about and I was going to do the washing-up from last night but we've run out of washing-up liquid.
I normally visit friends on a Saturday but I simply cannot today. I will go shopping with my wife instead and hopefully this will prevent me sinking any deeper. I really don't want the dark thoughts to come back.
My Moodscope rating is 8%.

Ups & Downs

I find myself feeling a little odd today. I should be busy but following the last week, I can't help feeling I should be due a rest. The last week has certainly had its ups and downs. The ups are certainly related to my volunteering work and having gained approval for a leaflet I've produced along with a poster for displaying in GP surgeries and waiting rooms. I've also come up with a name for our group, 'Blue Skies'. I didn't really spend very much time researching it, a few minutes on the Internet was all it took. Again, I have approval for this too and the group now feels more official and as having a formal identity.
I hadn't really set out to do all this myself. I have to be in a creative mood and last weekend I felt inspired to start work on a leaflet describing the group with a view to making it sound appealing for anyone interested in joining. I am aware of many groups dotted around the county who have done similar things and having seen their leaflets, I was convinced that we could do the same.
I need to do just a little more work on it before emailing it off to our volunteer services manager for final approval. I am rather hoping he will arrange for them to be printed.
So that's all been rather good. Our volunteer services manager did pay us all a visit on Thursday where he discussed with us funding and getting involved with a project run in Lincoln called ArtLinc. It just so happens that we have been looking at art & craft activities and this fits rather well. Added to this, we have two semi-professional artists within the group who could look after this. I have charged myself with setting up computer classes for anyone interested, and this will be my baby.
The week has certainly had its downs. Once again I have been pushed to the brink of despair by my bank, who knowing my situation have allowed me to pay a reduced contribution towards my mortgage. They called me to let me know that this arrangement had run out and that they were prepared to extend it until the end of November. They also made a point of reminding me of the arrears.
The whole thing just served to plunge me into a deep depressive low. At the time, I could see no way out, a reminder of how I used to feel and the desperation that would take me to some very dark places. Added to this, my accountant chose the worst possible time to remind me that my tax return was soon due meaning more expense as he does this for me. Although it is all zeros as I haven't received a penny all year, I still end up paying about £150 for the privilege of letting HMRC know!
I know that things with the bank look worse than they probably are and that I'll still be sat here typing my blog this time next year. Anxiety and depression make you see the worst of a situation. You worry about the worst possible outcome and despite being told that things will be different, you simply cannot see things that way. It is nothing less than a mind controlling illness, producing irrational fear and dread. For a non-sufferer, it is impossible to understand the mind of someone affected. I spend a lot of time with other people who encounter the illness on a near daily basis. I need not explain to them how I feel when the bank get in touch - they know. In a way, this is a comfort. I am not alone. They cannot help with my situation - the fact still remains that I cannot pay the bank what I owe them, well not right now anyway. Wait a few more years until I'm 55 and they can have every penny with interest, courtesy of my private pension.
It's this constant fear of the unknown that keeps me on this roller coaster of emotions. I cannot now see beyond November and I fear that we will spend Christmas with the prospect of losing our home in the new year. That is unless we are able to sort something out between now and then. There are certain 'rescue schemes' I have read about where the council can buy your home from you and you then pay a reduced rent to continue living in it. This might be an option if the worst comes to the worst.
It's the worry also. It's always there. It's the first thoughts that enter my head when I wake in the morning - the dire situation we're in and the guilt at having created and being responsible for the situation. This is the worst time of the day for me. The realisation that it's not all a dream, it's real.
I'm constantly told to focus on the good things, and to turn negatives into positives. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.

The Vicious Circle

Yesterday I attended a diabetic clinic appointment. I had been dreading it for some time having missed my previous appointment. They are getting quite heavy on diabetes now and they send out reminders straight away. If you fail to contact them to arrange an appointment, it is made for you.
I knew I hadn't been managing my diabetes very well. I find the more I think about it, the more depressed I get. For me, it's just another reminder of where I have failed. To be honest, I have been eating pretty much according to my mood. I find that eating often raises my mood, particularly if the things I eat are the things I like. Of course, these are bad for me and it has resulted in my blood sugar levels increasing.
I hadn't really noticed any ill effects apart from a couple of days where I couldn't stop drinking. Like a fool, I didn't connect this to my diabetes but it was a sign that my sugar level was too high.

I had expected a 'telling off' and I got one. I was warned of all the bad things that can happen to me and that I was heading for a stroke at a very young age. To be honest, I have mentally prepared myself against some of the worst effects of diabetes. I know it isn't going to get better and it has already caused my thyroid to stop working. Blindness is something I have thought about, as there is a risk of my eyesight being damaged as the years progress. I've tried to imagine how I would cope and provided my surroundings remained pretty much the same then I think I would just about manage, with one or two modifications here and there. I know it sounds odd, but I am quite resigned to things deteriorating.

Trying to battle diabetes whilst trying to live with anxiety and depression is not easy. I try not to think about my diabetes and whether I am managing it or not as it just adds to my anxiety. Yesterday really brought it all home to me and I was depressed for the rest of the day. I'm not much better today. All this plays into the hands of my wife who despite the fact she has lived with my bouts of anxiety and depression, still fails to understand it. It's not simply something that can be turned on or off. There is often a trigger, and my trigger was my appointment with my diabetic nurse. It's always a vicious circle.
As with all bouts of depression, this one will pass and I will be back to 'normal', or whatever normal is. I was cheered up slightly this morning seeing my mum. I hadn't seen her all week and she could immediately see that things weren't right. She made me some breakfast and I took her to Long Sutton for her regular Saturday morning shop. As a treat, she took me in 'Possessions'. It's a large second hand store full of all sorts of things gathered from house clearances mainly. I love rummaging through things and often find a bargain. My wife calls it junk and 'crap', but for me it is the ultimate shopping experience. I'm not normally allowed anywhere near shops like this which made this morning all the more mood-lifting. There's nothing like sifting through a box of oddments only to find something rare, or to flick through a stack of records to find a long lost favourite. I always find something of interest and often end up hankering for the old days, when I had money and the freedom to buy whatever I wanted. For instance on this visit there was a wonderful Sony music system with double cassette deck and built in turntable for just £30. For its age, it was in remarkable condition and I would dearly have loved to have given it a home. Also, there was a rather nice colour laser printer with its own heavy duty desk and spare toner cartridges for £48. The desk alone was worth at least £50 and had clearly come from an office somewhere. The fact that there were several spare toners in unopened boxes would have guaranteed its operation for at least a couple of years, and the printer would have provided me a nice little project to keep myself busy with. But sadly I had to leave them there, giving them a last glance as I left with my ABBA boxed set of LP's and VHS video on the subject of Lincolnshire - all for just £1!

I will shortly head over to my friends place. I was debating whether I should, given my low mood, but I've decided it's probably the tonic I need to prevent me sinking further into a full depressive low. If I sit here all afternoon, it's bound to happen as I dredge up all the bad things about my life and my past failings. That's why writing this blog helps me enormously. It helps me to get things out instead of them building up inside and making me sink. I will be able to tell my friends about my appointment yesterday. They are both diabetic and know all too well the struggle of having to live with it as well as other illnesses. I know I will get a sympathetic ear there, particularly as they have seen me at my worst and know how easy it is for the depression to set in and take over. They also know that their home is a kind of refuge and way of escape for me whenever things get too much. I know it's wrong to run away from things or situations we don't like, but it's human nature to do so and as far as I'm concerned, if it makes me feel better then it's a good thing.

Well, that's made me feel a bit better, for now at least.

Getting More Involved

We have a new member at our Tuesday Depression Support Group. Her name is Emma and she has joined as a volunteer and sufferer. It's really nice to have someone new in the group and her input will be very welcome. In addition to this, I was asked if I would volunteer to support the group and help to bring new members into the group. I had given thought to this previously but was uncertain as to whether I would be able to commit. But I've decided that this is really something I would like to do and I'm hopeful that it may in time develop into something more permanent. I do like talking with people and my own experiences of depression and anxiety should help with providing support and an understanding ear to anyone needing assistance.
As if to start me off on my new role, I was asked if I would make contact with a possible new member of the group by introducing myself and suggesting they attend next Tuesday. I didn't quite know what to expect but the chap was very friendly and dare I say it very pleased to receive my call. I suggested he attend next Tuesday and explained a little about what we do. I also suggested that he asks for me when he arrives and I'll come to collect him so we can join the group together. My thoughts are that by doing this the whole thing should be less daunting and will go some way to 'breaking the ice'. So that's all good.
So it looks as if I may be able to turn my experiences of anxiety and depression into something that may benefit others, and I feel good about that. I like spending time with people and discussing their problems. I already spend a lot of time each week with my close friend who became paralysed following a stroke. Frankly if I can do anything that makes someone feel better then that's great.

The keyboard for the laptop I've been repairing arrived today and in a couple of minutes I had it fitted and working as it should, all keys fully functional. I gave it a good clean and buff and its owner came and collected it earlier this evening. I made £10 for the job which is better than nothing and is frankly the first work I have done in over two years. It did make me feel good though. It's a good feeling. The chap collecting the computer did ask if I could put Excel on another machine he wants me to have a look at. I had to tell him provided he had a licensed copy then of course I could. I did though get the distinct impression he wanted me to provide a 'dodgy' unlicensed copy, which of course I will not do. So I think I made myself clear there... The fact that he didn't take the laptop back to be repaired under warranty spoke volumes, so we'll leave it at that.

A good day all in all. I feel purposeful and of use. It'll be nice if things can develop into something more substantial and meaningful. We'll see...

Getting Through the Day

I've written before about my struggle with depression and anxiety, and the fact that some days are simply better than others. It's impossible to know how I will feel one day to the next, so I just take each day as it comes and try to get through it. Not working means spending a lot of time alone and it's these times that are the most challenging. The answer is to do things that keep me active and prevent me from drifting into thought - the kind of thoughts that remind me of failure and how I got to where I am now, having been active in the past earning a very good wage and paying my fair share of the bills. To start thinking about these things just sends me into a downward spiral and the result is a depressive bout for me and abject misery for everyone around me.
Thankfully, I've managed to keep myself out of my 'pit of despair' as I like to call it. There is a glimmer of hope that the only real assets I own, my private pension fund, may in some way be used to benefit us now rather than waiting until I'm 55. We really cannot wait that long and frankly we need the money now rather than later on.
I don't know yet if this is possible but I see there are numerous schemes all over the Internet claiming to be able to unlock pension funds. The way they do it is to invest your pension once you've transferred it to them into overseas funds or various other schemes thus making them money. In the meantime, they lend you the money you need and this is secured against your pension. But there are risks, big risks and you could end up paying back far more than you borrow. The same is true with any kind of lending, but with this you are dealing with large amounts of money. So I don't know if this will be possible for us. We are going to see a pension advisor so hope to find out more then.
Some days, despite wanting to do so much and achieve at least something, I end up doing nothing. The enthusiasm I woke up with that morning fizzled out over breakfast or whilst I read the news headlines. These days simply fill me with guilt and regret. Yes I've done things, but nothing practical or beneficial. I may have researched something on the Internet and discovered something I didn't already know, but this is of no benefit to me or mankind. I can't out this newly gained knowledge to any practical use, say to invent something new perhaps. These are zero days and count for very little in the grand scheme of things.
I saw the topic of depression appear on Twitter today. Peter Serafinowicz tweeted about a blog written by a sufferer and also mentioned that he too struggled with it. Again, I'd learnt something new. I had no idea he suffered with depression. When he's on the TV, he's always funny so why should I? But it's the same with all sufferers of depression. We don't wear labels or badges stating that we suffer with it. We don't turn a different colour when the next depressive bout descends. It is hidden. It happens a lot behind closed doors where we can't be seen. By its nature, it's very seldom on display in public. It doesn't travel well.
I don't know if there will ever be a cure. It would be nice if they could produce a tablet that prevented it, but everyone who suffers with depression seem to be different. Different things set them off and different things make them feel better. Some bouts last for a day, others for a week or more. It is far from straight forward and doubt whether fixing it for everyone will be that easy.

In the news, I see that the maniac hell bent on killing innocent men, women and children in France has been stopped. The fact that he was shot and killed by the police will be a comfort to all those affected by his killing spree. Personally, I would have liked to have seen him captured and made to face justice for his crimes, but this was clearly an unlikely outcome given the ferocity of of his attempt to evade capture and I accept that the police had no other option.

We've all been forced to accept the latest budget from our coalition government and the realisation that for many, life will become more difficult than it already is. Those who have worked all their lives and saved for a comfortable retirement appear to be hardest hit and I suspect their collective response will be felt come the general election.

A Different Venue

There was a different venue on Tuesday for my support group meeting. It was easy to get to being in Spalding and I arrived in good time. The welcome was warm and friendly and I was glad to see other members of my group there. I didn't know what to expect really but it was nothing like what I'm used to on a Tuesday. The event was to promote a small organisation involved in trying to raise awareness and understanding of depression. It seemed to me as if they were trying to bring together other support groups and try to centralise support and care services for those who suffer with the illness. Anything that raises awareness can only be a good thing and I was encouraged to see them taking the subject so seriously. Awareness is certainly key to it, the more people who understand the illness the better. There is such a taboo surrounding depression and I don't believe it is discussed or acknowledged as much as it should be. They could have helped themselves by displaying a sign at the entrance to the venue indicating they were there, or simply placed a small advertisement in the local newspaper. There was really nothing to indicate they were there. The only way I found out about it was through my own support group. In fact we only had one other member of the public venture in to find out more. She was severely disabled and her needs were great due being physically disabled and suffering bipolar disorder. She had no idea there were support groups in the area and that there were others like her prepared to provide a friendly ear and offer help. It was good to know that she would be joining us at our next group meeting.
I don't write about depression very much, though throughout my blog, there are references to my illness and an attempt to describe how I suffer and attempt to deal with it. I am actually quite open about it. I don't mind discussing it and I'm convinced that by talking about it, we begin to better understand it. I don't think we'll ever be able to prevent it. The illness has been around for a very long time, but never understood. It is only now that depression is an illness we are beginning to understand. More people have the confidence to talk about it because others are doing just that. I know myself that having found others prepared to discuss the illness and show an understanding of it, I now have the confidence to open up to others. Without the understanding and support of others, I would still be living with it in silence. I have been told many times to simply 'snap out of it' and to 'stop feeling so miserable'. In fact it still happens. If I had any control over it, would I choose to feel the way I do? I don't think so. There is no real warning to indicate the next bout of depression. It can be triggered all too easily by things going wrong or people saying things that hurt or make me feel bad about myself. This seems to set off a chain reaction which spirals out of control. It does though make people around me feel they should constantly 'walk on egg shells' fearful of saying or doing something that might set me off. This is of course a ridiculous situation to be in and places enormous strain on relationships. I know this to be true having had my marriage stretched to near breaking point on several occasions.
There is a real desire on the part of the sufferer to do things that bring feelings of good or pleasure. More often than not, this involves eating, drinking or smoking. In my case, I know I over-eat to compensate for my mood. I have also self-medicated on codeine as it made me feel better, albeit for brief periods of time. I stupidly took as many as ten tablets a day to keep the feeling there. Without my tablets, I would panic and do anything I could to procure more. I spent hundreds of pounds a year doing just that, buying from online chemists to keep my habit as anonymous as possible. My addiction as lessened thankfully but I do take tramadol regularly for a back problem and these have a similar effect to the codeine but I can take far less amounts for a similar effect. This suits me just fine at the moment. Other than my electronic cigarette, I have no other real vices. OK I have to be constantly attached to it, but this is more down to OCD which I've been reliably informed I also suffer from.
Routine is also important. I tend to do things in a certain order and at roughly the same time each day. This helps me to stay focused and prevents me from slipping into a depressive state or simply sleeping. There is an element of OCD to it. There are things I have to do, and in the right order, or the day is ruined. I don't think this is particularly unusual, there are lots of us that operate to a daily routine, mainly for work. For me, this routine holds things together, and holding together is basically what I do day to day.

Woes

My wife left for work in the car this morning for the final time. She

will be taking it to the mechanic tonight with her dad and we're hoping

he'll give us something to take it off our hands. It's all very sad. I

hate to see a car go. It's over ten years old and holds so many

memories for us. If it was in any way possible, we'd keep it, but there

simply isn't the money.

To compound things, my in-laws are blaming me for what's gone on. They

don't say so much in words, but I know what they think and I know they

blame me for the dire financial situation we're in. They are forking

out the money for a replacement car, but it is clear to me that they

don't wish to involve me so I am keeping well out of it. It is there

money and until we can pay them back - which won't be until April at

present - it will be their car. I don't even want to drive it. It's

purpose is to get my wife to and from work. I will somehow find a way

to manage with the bus. It does run to here even though we're remote

but it's one of those services you need to book well in advance. It

doesn't run to any kind of timetable but it is supposed to meet the

main services to Spalding and King's Lynn. I really don't mind using it

provided I don't end up stranded anywhere for too long.

All this has sent me into a major bout of depression, the worst I have

known in a long time. I lack energy and enthusiasm and in the evenings

I just want to go to bed. I also lack any appetite for food and frankly

typing this has taken every ounce of my will power.

I called my Mum last night to tell her the car would be going this

evening. It means that she too will have to rely entirely on the bus

service as I used to see her on a Friday and take her into town every

Saturday morning. I also won't be able to visit my dear friend to help

with his model railway layout. This has always been my escape and

refuge from the stresses and strains of life currently. It was a place

where I could think and feel almost free from everything. They'll

understand I'm sure.

I will certainly be steering well clear of my in-laws. I was to have

gone with them tonight to hand over the car, but I really don't feel

like being anywhere near them. I know what they think and how they feel

about me. The way they are with me speaks volumes and I just wish so

much to be able to tell them all where to go. They have absolutely no

understanding of what I've been through, and continue to have to deal

with on a near daily basis. They will never understand and will remain

ignorant. I just wish that some kind of good fortune would come our way

so we can no longer have to be dependent on others, especially them. I

hate the fact that we've had to borrow money from them. I really hate

it. Something has to change.

A Meeting of The Like-Minded

I attended my first meeting this morning at 'Depressives Anonymous', a support group for sufferers of depression and anxiety. I was a little aprehensive at first but it was recommended that I attend, so I did. There were a lot fewer there than I'd expected. Half the group were made up of volunteers, who themselves suffer or had at some time suffered from depression.
It really was a classic support group setting and reminds me a little of the group featured in the BBC comedy 'Dear John'. If the aim of the group was to put everyone in a good mood, it sadly failed. Some of the talk was quite disturbing and one very troubled member of the group spoke of how his father had abused his sister. My problems paled into insignificance. These people had real problems and real reasons for their depression. I had just had a breakdown brought on by stress and my inability to continue doing my job.
There was something said that really put into prespective the suffering this guy had to endure. That was his wish to spend his life in prison. In his view, he would be secure there and would not have to worry about having to do the things we all have to do as members of society. He really wanted to be put away. He would be protected from himself. How awful it was to hear this. I felt almost as if I didn't belong in the group. It's voluntary that I attend, and I probably will again. It's good to talk and it's even better to talk with people who really understand. These people have all been through a similar experience. Some are free of it, others suffer in waves, just like me.
Lately, depression has been in the news. Gary Speed, the Welsh Football Captain took his own life in an apparent suicide at his home on 27th November. It's not known why he committed suicide or whether he had suffered from depression and his death remains a mystery. But it is widely speculated that depression was the cause and we discussed this in our group. We all agreed that depression is an illness suffered by countless numbers of people who either choose to live with it or for whom the condition is undiagnosed. I know myself that I suffered with depression for many years prior to my diagnosis a couple of years ago. Even now, despite powerful medication, I still suffer bouts of 'black cloud' syndrome. They come and go without warning and in no set pattern. The medication I think reduces their duration and their overall effect, but does have the side-effect of making me very tired - almost constantly so. But sleep is when I feel safest, the most relaxed and the most secure. It's a common theme amongst 'people like this'.
Apparently depression is now 'socially acceptable' and no longer frowned upon. But I still feel very awkward talking about it or admitting that I suffer from it. It's a very private illness and at the same time a very selfish illness by the fact it's so destructive, affecting all those around the sufferer. The fact is that everyone suffers.
So will I attend the next meeting? I expect so. If people have gone to the effort to arrange a support group then it is right to attend and offer my perspective. I hope to learn more about the illness. I've learnt so far that there are different levels of suffering. I've seen how extreme this can be and the pain it causes. I've learnt that I'm not alone and that there are people who genuinely care, people I have never met before who are interested in what I have to say. This is good, for the thing people often seek is a sympathetic ear.

Saving My Tomatoes & Providing Support

I decided to remove the remaining tomatoes from my outdoor plant. Apparently the temperature is set to drop to just above freezing by the end of the week and it's unlikely they will survive in the open. I managed to collect a punnet's worth, so not bad at all.

While I was picking, I was joined by a large Red Admiral butterfly. It looked stunningly beautiful and was a welcome late visitor to the garden and a sign that we're not yet fully in the grip of winter. It lingered long enough for me to take a snap as it sat in the sunshine.

I have mentioned in previous posts my fondness for a You Tube channel, 'Glen1040'. I really enjoyed his videos and I was fascinated by his efforts at self-sufficiency. I notice that his channel has now been closed and I have been unable to discover where he has gone. It's really quite sad and I worry whether something has befallen him.
My watermelons are now the size of small lemons and growing fast. I've had to provide some support for them and being quite high on the plant, I have decided to use tights as suggested previously. For one, I've created a hammock of sorts and for the other, I've supported in from the roof of the conservatory. All very Heath Robinson but it seems to be doing the job.

There will be a degree of despondency from me over the coming weeks as things begin to get difficult. We are lucky to have an insurance policy which protects our mortgage payments, but this claim period will end in February next year. By that time, I need to have found suitable employment and be able to cover the payments. If this doesn't happen then, frankly, the worst will happen. I must admit to trying not to think about it too much. Depression is one of those things that can be triggered very easily and I really don't want to suffer another bout. But as the weeks pass, I (we) will need to start thinking seriously about what we're going to do. I've always said that I never want to return to an IT career, but it is what I know and as I am still unable to complete and achieve my full PCV license due to lack of funds, it may be my only option.
That is the stark reality at the moment...

Three Depressives and a Birthday

Today was special for being one of the days in October which broke our weather record. It has been unseasonably warm and sunny, weather which frankly is far from the norm for this time of year. Tomorrow will be the day things begin to change and I'm told we can start seeing overnight frosts and possibly snow very soon.
It was also my wife's Godson's Birthday party and we were all invited. For a change, I was quite relaxed and rather looking forward to it. It was a very pleasant event. My son was in his element, a little hoarse perhaps from a recent cold, but he joined in with glee squirting water at everyone and generally running around as kids of his age do.
While I was sitting there, it suddenly dawned on me that I was accompanied by two others who have been affected by varying degrees of depression. We have all been affected in different ways for this illness is quite unique to the individual. But to each of us, our experiences were intensly private and whereas three men would normally exchange banter about football, gardening or the weather, this did not happen. Of course we all had a good idea of what we had each been through - and were still going through - but it's simply not the sort of thing you can strike up a conversation over. There was just a very quiet knowing sense among us of the dark places we had all been to, and most probably feared returning to.
For I don't actually think depression is something you can discuss in a 'therapy' kind of way. It's not like being an alcoholic or drug abuser. You don't choose to have depression, it forces itself upon you like some enormous weight, pressing down. I know this.
So amongst all the jovality and the fun, I was so deeply aware of this 'secret pain' that existed hidden from normal view. But it is something all the 'grown ups' are aware of. They understand and are sympathetic, for they all know someone who is affected by it. I felt comforted to know this and a closeness quite unique to 'people like us'...