Thinking-Up Titles

I did think we would have to call off today's Group meeting as so few were able to attend. A combination of things were responsible for this morning's low turn-out and it was left to myself and two other group members to make the most of the time we had in the relative warmth and convenience of our venue.
Despite there being just the three of us, we did manage to while away the time talking about various issues that either troubled us, interested us or gave us cause for concern. In fact when we get going, we can often talk for hours.

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind today. The last couple of days have been quite stressful and I do feel as if things are settling down a little. There is still the complaint to deal with, currently residing with NPower but I'm hopeful we will be able to come to some kind of arrangement. Frankly, we'll have to.
I have been a little troubled by dreams. Mine are vivid and it's unusual if I don't dream each night. This is a side-effect of the Mirtazapine medication I am on and its sedative properties. The dreams are rarely joyful and positive experiences. Mostly they involve me being in some kind of office environment, often closed-in and suffocating. I am almost always in a position of varying responsibility but in almost all cases, I am responsible for something that goes wrong. This produces a strong feeling of guilt and failure that will often seep from my dream state into my conscious state and can stay with me for as much as a whole day afterwards.
I dare say those who as well as me believe in some symbolic connection between dreams and real life will agree that there is a link between the events in my sleep and failings in my past. This is pretty obvious. The clarity of the dreams and the real feelings they produce is something I find both interesting and troubling.

We are told we are heading out of the freezing weather period we have been experiencing here in the UK for the last couple of weeks. Here is the East, we are forecast to see a final parting gift tomorrow night of several inches of prolonged heavy snow which is anticipated to make Saturday morning 'challenging'. As with all forecasts, I tend now to take them with a large pinch of salt especially as we haven't seen anywhere near the amount of snow that has been forecast up to now. If it's as bad as the forecast predicts, I will post a photograph here on Saturday.

As I type this, shouts of excitement and schoolboy fun filter over my Herb Alpert and Friends LP. My son has his friend over to play and it sounds as though they are battling it out on the Wii ably refereed by my wife. I wrote of my 'wasted' trip to NHS Bracebridge Heath on Monday. It transpires that the meeting had been previously cancelled due to lack of interest but my original acknowledgement hadn't been passed-on to the organiser. The upshot is that I have received an apology and kind offer of reimbursement for my travel expense, which is nice. Despite the obvious clerical error, I do actually have tremendous respect for the people organising the meeting. The work they do and their motives for arranging the meeting in the first place are entirely Honourable. I have asked them to contact me when another meeting is arranged as they, like me, are keen that it should still go ahead. Any discussion regarding mental health services in Lincolnshire has to be a priority.

I'm quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow. I already plan to record an entry for my audio journal. I do though have a diabetic clinic appointment at 1.30 which I'm not looking forward to. My blood glucose levels are often a lot higher than they should be despite trying to maintain a low sugar diet. I think I may already know what the outcome will be.

It's strange. I find I can write about things very easily but the hardest part of maintaining a blog is thinking-up a title for each post. In fact, it often takes me longer to think up the title than it does to type the whole post entry!

My Moodscope score today is 51%

Back in the Saddle & Other Stuff

A bright Sunday morning and a positive feeling to the day. A real wrench from my slumbers this morning and Mirtazapine induced dreams. Deep dreams where all things are possible and where people and feelings are so real. It's a difficult thing to describe unless you've been there. My wife resents the fact that I get to sleep more than her. Our son has her up at around 6am and I know she wants to pull me from my bed but she knows that I do more than just sleep, it's more like a semi-coma. To forcibly remove me from this will often result in the onset of a deep low for the rest of the day. I hate this but that's the way it is. I'm much better if I'm allowed to make the step from my fantasy world to the real world myself. That's the way things are and as long as my doctor prescribes it, that's the way it will be for some time to come I suspect.
In my not-so-private life lately, the time came to confront our bank and go cap in hand to our local branch int he hope they would allow us drastically reduced payments toward our mortgage. My wife came with me despite the fact everything is in my name. We both felt like 'lambs to the slaughter' as we approached the bank and took a seat in the waiting area. I sat there wondering if the people wandering in and out had similar problems. I wondered if they were comfortably well off or had recently won the lottery. I sat there creating imaginary worlds for each person I saw. We both sat for some time feeling like common criminals with our dirty little secret. We didn't speak much, apart from remarking to each other how sweaty our palms had become.
To cut a long appointment short (it lasted over an hour), we were met with more sympathy than I thought we would be. In fact the advisor we met with was very understanding and very helpful, in fact credit to her for putting us at ease and for helping us come to a suitable arrangement. We're paying less than required, a lot less, but there's no other option. I think they could see that. They could also see that to anything else would cause considerable distress and probably make my illness worse than it is. It's a three month arrangement and of course can't go on indefinitely as we're paying nothing off the amount we owe. But it's salvation and for that I'm glad and grateful for their help, something I never thought I would be saying about a British bank in these times.
Something I am looking into is a rather large pension fund I'm sitting on. It's a pension I started paying into when I began working and it contains enough money to pay our mortgage or sort out the small mound of debt we have. Normally I wouldn't be able o do a thing with it until I am 55 but there may be a way of transferring the fund to our bank and in doing so may be able to use the fund to help us with our current problems. I've no idea if this is possible but we're going to seek some independent advice. I don't hold out much hope but it seems ridiculous that I'm sitting on a large pot of money and we owe money, but life is never this simple is it.

The problems in Syria are ongoing with more reports of atrocities and mindless violence. It really does seem to be turning into a repeat of the Kosovo crisis and the inactivity on the part of the UN and International Community to do anything to stop it. One glimmer of hope is the visit by Kofi Anan though I'll be surprised if this makes any difference to the mindset of those hell bent on perpetrating crimes against their own people.

Remaining on the international stage, I see that Putin has been re-elected President of Russia. No one should be surprised at this, it was a foregone conclusion and frankly any amount of voting wouldn't have affected the outcome.

I have another application to complete. It's for a council position and as they're not looking for any specific skills or experience, I've decided to go for it. It's one of those council-generated forms where you don't send your CV but essentially replicate it and explain why you feel you're suitable for the job. I much prefer sending my CV and a covering letter, but that's the way they want to do things. Again I hold out little hope given the current job climate. I was though delighted to hear that my sister has landed a job at a nearby hospital. It's only part time but it's something and I'm sure she'll do very well. In addition, she's always got something wrong with her so she'll be working in the right place!

I've re-discovered podcasting this week. Iain Lee produces a weekly podcast called 'The Pocket Radio Show' which I am finding very entertaining. Iain used to broadcast on Absolute Radio and has been on TV for many years. I've also started listening to Bayley's Banter, another podcast from an Australian who audio-blogs his daily life. And of course I continue to listen to Richard Vobes, the grand master of them all who has been podcasting for as long as I can remember.

I need to start work in the garden and I simply cannot put it off any longer. I have a load of pots that used to have things growing in them. There's now some kind of green fungi. I'm sure I have some onions and garlic somewhere too. My father gave me a load of seed this morning for various herbs and tomatoes so I'll try to get some of these planted today. I also have some hot peppers which I'll try to grow in the conservatory. I failed abysmally last year - perhaps I was too late.

It's a year on from the disaster in Japan and it feels like only yesterday that we witnessed the horrific scenes of whole towns being swept away on a huge tsunami and the worst nuclear disaster since Chernobyl. I wonder if anything so massive had befallen us here in the UK whether we would have coped so well.

It was good to see my sister and her family earlier today. We don't see enough of each other and it was great that our son was able to stay and play for a few hours. I'm going to attempt some more of that job application now. I simply have to be in the right frame of mind and 'in the zone' if I'm going to make a good job if it. There's no rush to get it submitted as the deadline is 26th March but I'm keen to get if done this week.

Right, blog updated. I'll update as things come to mind.

Such a difference...

Being diabetic and suffering depression, I take a lot of tablets each day. The long-term effects of this daily cocktail are unknown - basically no one knows as they haven't been tested long enough. So I choose to place enormous trust in my doctor and other specialists, just as many thousands of other people do each day.
I don't really have a problem with this. I know by the look and tone of my diabetic nurse that there is a big risk of me developing complications. My life could end a lot earlier than normal - the estimate is ten years - and each visit places me one step nearer insulin. I'm currently on tablets to control the condition.
The depression has been something more difficult to control. It comes and goes of its own free will but the last few months have certainly seen a huge improvement - well I think so anyway. I think this is due largely to a couple of tablets I take each day. One in particular, Mirtazapine is a very effective little tablet. I used to take it last thing at night. I would be asleep within minutes but waking in the morning was difficult. It sends me into a very deep sleep with vivid almost life-like dreams. I would be tired all morning the following day and energy would be seriously lacking. But yesterday I was told by my specialist that I was taking the tablet at the wrong time of the day. Instead of late at night, I should be taking it early evening. That way the effects would not be felt the next day. So that's what I did and lo and behold I feel great. I didn't have to struggle out of bed this morning and for the first time in ages, I feel awake. In fact I'm so awake, I can type this blog entry.
So there we have it... such a big difference from a relatively small thing. Incredible.

Citalopram Nights

The label reads 'Take one tablet daily just before bed'. This little yellow pill sure packs a punch. It keeps the dark clouds away. It also makes me sleep every night. I drift into Slumberland where I dream weird and wonderful things, so vivid I can remember the smallest detail. For a few hours, this pill makes me forget, it takes me to new and exciting places where anything is possible. Waking in the morning is a difficult process. I am wrenched from my slumber like being forced from one world into another. As I enter the real word, the world of now, reality begins to enter my mind and memory begins its painful entry back into my mind. Oh take me back to my Slumberland, where I am safe from the present, where I can be anything and do anything. There's a short time window when the recollection of a dream are vivid. If I'm lucky, I am able to capture them. If not, they vanish just like a fading roll of film. Some dreams are so vivid and leave such an impression, they seem to last forever, just like events in the 'real' world. This little yellow pill does its work in the conscious and the unconscious. Once awke, I feel as if fell into bed a few hours ago after a heavy drinking session. I feel rough, really rough. I feel I could slip back into Slumberland so easily. I must not close my eyes. Summoning the effort to move is difficult. My body seems to be several seconds behind my mind - the two aren't yet synchronised. After about half-an-hour, I'm functioning 'normally'. whatever that is. The real benefit of Citalopram is seen during the day. Has it helped me? Yes, most definitely. It keeps me away from the edge and helps me to stay in control. Is it the perfect solution? No. I still think the same things, it's just the effects of those things that are changed. It helps others to know that things are under control. Citalopram is a badge that tells others my speed is limited to 50 mph. It's an anti-surge device, a thermostat. It regulates and prevents me from going bang. It's my guardian during the day and my weaver of magical dreams at night. My Citalopram.