A Meeting of The Like-Minded

I attended my first meeting this morning at 'Depressives Anonymous', a support group for sufferers of depression and anxiety. I was a little aprehensive at first but it was recommended that I attend, so I did. There were a lot fewer there than I'd expected. Half the group were made up of volunteers, who themselves suffer or had at some time suffered from depression.
It really was a classic support group setting and reminds me a little of the group featured in the BBC comedy 'Dear John'. If the aim of the group was to put everyone in a good mood, it sadly failed. Some of the talk was quite disturbing and one very troubled member of the group spoke of how his father had abused his sister. My problems paled into insignificance. These people had real problems and real reasons for their depression. I had just had a breakdown brought on by stress and my inability to continue doing my job.
There was something said that really put into prespective the suffering this guy had to endure. That was his wish to spend his life in prison. In his view, he would be secure there and would not have to worry about having to do the things we all have to do as members of society. He really wanted to be put away. He would be protected from himself. How awful it was to hear this. I felt almost as if I didn't belong in the group. It's voluntary that I attend, and I probably will again. It's good to talk and it's even better to talk with people who really understand. These people have all been through a similar experience. Some are free of it, others suffer in waves, just like me.
Lately, depression has been in the news. Gary Speed, the Welsh Football Captain took his own life in an apparent suicide at his home on 27th November. It's not known why he committed suicide or whether he had suffered from depression and his death remains a mystery. But it is widely speculated that depression was the cause and we discussed this in our group. We all agreed that depression is an illness suffered by countless numbers of people who either choose to live with it or for whom the condition is undiagnosed. I know myself that I suffered with depression for many years prior to my diagnosis a couple of years ago. Even now, despite powerful medication, I still suffer bouts of 'black cloud' syndrome. They come and go without warning and in no set pattern. The medication I think reduces their duration and their overall effect, but does have the side-effect of making me very tired - almost constantly so. But sleep is when I feel safest, the most relaxed and the most secure. It's a common theme amongst 'people like this'.
Apparently depression is now 'socially acceptable' and no longer frowned upon. But I still feel very awkward talking about it or admitting that I suffer from it. It's a very private illness and at the same time a very selfish illness by the fact it's so destructive, affecting all those around the sufferer. The fact is that everyone suffers.
So will I attend the next meeting? I expect so. If people have gone to the effort to arrange a support group then it is right to attend and offer my perspective. I hope to learn more about the illness. I've learnt so far that there are different levels of suffering. I've seen how extreme this can be and the pain it causes. I've learnt that I'm not alone and that there are people who genuinely care, people I have never met before who are interested in what I have to say. This is good, for the thing people often seek is a sympathetic ear.

A Dangerous Game

I was criticised for being pessimistic last week. I have a very bleak view of the future and this is compounded by the financial mess affecting many parts of the world and the stresses being placed on our lives.
I now find myself concerned at events in the world that could lead us into new conflicts and confrontations. For it seems to me that we could be heading into a very dangerous game of brinkmanship brought about mainly by the actions of the US. The 'game' I refer to is the placing of a missile defence shield close to the border with Russia. The US claim this shield is to counter any offensive missile strike from rogue states in the Middle East or from North Korea. Russia do not believe this to be the sole reason and rightly suspect that it is targeting them. In an attempt to calm their fears, a request for participation in the project has been rejected and further to this, an assurance from the US that the system will not be used to target Russia has not been given. So just what exactly are the US playing at? Since the fall of the Berlin Wall and the former Soviet Union, we have enjoyed relative security amidst mutual assurances, smiles and cordial meetings.So why seek to destroy this and plunge us into a new cold war? It makes no sense.
I don't believe I'm a loan voice. There have been murmurings across the Internet and in the press, expressing fear that we are on a path to confrontation. Many suggest that opposition to intervention in Syria or Iran will trigger either China or Russia to step in. If this were to happen then the outcome would be cataclysmic.
So who's calling the shots? Some suggest the European Missile Defense Shield is Pentagon driven, others that it is an arms industry hell bent of profiteering from a new arms race. I suspect that money is involved somewhere along the line - it normally is. Someone out there keen to make millions from making two superpowers push each other to the brink. Or am I just being overly pessimistic and bleak? Possibly... but I don't think it will be long before the threats turn into actions and make it from the columns to the front page.
We can only hope that common sense prevails. This will be a game with no winners.

A Few More Words

A pretty uneventful week. We creep nearer and nearer to Christmas and the pressure is on to buy the gifts that everyone want. I had an appointment with my specialist earlier int he week and he got the impression that my optimism is very low. He recommended I attend a session each Tuesday where a group gathers for counselling. I've agreed in the hope that this may help. I'll find out on Tuesday. It's only a couple of hours so I'll give it a go.
I did make a DVD for Mum as a gift for Christmas. It's a compilation of all the videos I have of years gone by. They feature loved ones who have long since passed and feature my sister and I when we were youngsters. I suspect it's been forgotten that I was almost constantly attached to my video camera. It's a good job I was as little did I know then just how valuable those films would become.
I've stumbled across a vacancy again at a local(ish) school for IT Systems Manager. The money isn't that great and it's quite a distance to drive each day but beggars can't be choosers so I've decided to apply. It's one of those Lincolnshire Council forms and they don't want to see your CV. I'm about half way through it and need to get the application in by the 5th of December. Worth a try I suppose, but I suspect it'll be a 'thanks but no thanks' like all the others have been.

I nearly acquired an electric organ yesterday. I discovered it on my way to collect my wife from work. It was sitting outside a property with a sign saying 'free'. It did look very well looked after, but also very heavy. If I'd had my Chrysler Voyager I would have taken it there and then without a second thought. But as I only have my wife's little Fiesta, there was no chance. I don't think my wife was as enthusiastic as me though. She's always the cautious one and the voice of reason in our relationship. So I suspect it's either still there getting damp or someone has given it a new home.

It's wonderful to see the excitement on my Son's face whenever Christmas is mentioned. We're going to help him to write his letter to Santa soon listing all the presents he would like. He will be 5 on the 27th of December so he receives two sets of gifts. We're also giving him a party on the 18th where he has invited his school friends. It's at the local Fun Farm so everything is taken care of and the children have a great time climbing about and sliding into the ball pit. I'm really keen for him to have the best Christmas yet. It's really important for me that he enjoys himself and gets the things he wants. It will be a struggle this year and the pressure is once again on my wife to provide, but we'll scrape through with the support of family and friends - to whom I will be eternally grateful.

Earlier today we helped him to decorate a plastic tub which we've been asked to fill with sweets for his school tombola this Christmas. I resisted the urge to design it and left it to him while I helped with the glue. Apparently his school has a pantomime and Christingle event which I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping too that they will have a carol service. It always makes Christmas more complete I think.
It's always the little things that make Christmas what it is. Of course, it's different for everyone. This year, it will be all about my Son and his unstinting belief in Santa and the magic that gets his presents from Lapland, down our chimney and arranged into piles on the lounge floor each Christmas morning. Long may he carry on believing...

Employment Past

I had a sift through my VHS tapes earlier today. I used to have hundreds, literally and they covered every wall. Now I probably have a little under a hundred. I found some very old tapes, some more than 20 years old. There were certainly some gems amongst the recordings - holidays when I was young, parties and weddings. There was video of people loved then and loved now who have sadly passed on. They all brought back memories. One tape in particular contained a recording I made in 1990 at one of the company's first summer parties. Back then I was quite the amateur videographer and often travelled with my video camera recording all that I could. Back then in 1990, I was a new member of staff at a fledgling company called Churchill Insurance. Not long before, the company had been known as Meridian Insurance but this was changed in favor of the new brand. There was no dog back then, it was just the word 'Churchill' with a red line underneath and the words 'online to serve you'. Churchill's success in its early days was attributed to its technology, which was second to none. Its systems, its daring use of Kray servers, were the heart of the company and were nursed day and night by a small team of developers and operations staff.
Back to the video and it was good to see so many former colleagues, many of which were there at Churchill's birth. They literally formed the foundations and the pillars of the company and little did they know back then just how great it would become. I have fond memories of my time there. I was with the company from 1989 to 2005, forced out by redundancy thanks to the nasty man that is Fred The Shred and his evil RBS empire. RBS had bought Churchill a couple of years before, netting Martin Long (Churchill's Chief Exec) around £60 million.
My fondest memories are of the times I would have to literally retrieve our network engineer Richard Cauldwell from a nearby hotel at 10 in the morning escort him to Churchill House to fix a problem. He'd normally be drunk or hung-over from a session the night before. I recall also the day Alan Bowers, then the head of IT, was killed in a car crash. I remember hearing the cries from his loyal development team through the thin partition wall separating them and the computer 'bunker' I was in at the time. I recall with sadness hearing the news not long after that Richard Cauldwell had been killed in a snorkeling accident while on holiday. Those early days of rocketing success were certainly marked with tragedy.
It would be just a few years until Churchill became Bromley's largest employer. Bromley was and still is Churchill's home. A ball would be held each year in June for all staff. The venues would grow in size each year to accommodate the growing numbers and a regular event would be the 'blowing-up' of a mock Direct Line telephone, much to everyone's enjoyment. Yes, they were good days and days I look back on with deep fondness.
Good days indeed and how different things are now. Back then, I had no worries about putting petrol in the car or just going for an afternoon drive. I would buy things I didn't need and know that the bank account was looking after itself. That's what it was like. I was in a good job with no worries. Back to reality and with my memories, anyone would think I'm at retirement age. I'm not, I'm only 38...
I found a load more videos today... I'll write about what I discovered soon.

Digital Cinema and My Thoughts for the Day

I love technology. It makes things easier, more accessible and provides more choice. But I heard something this morning on BBC Radio 4's Broadcasting House that made me think again as to whether it is all good. Apparently more and more of our cinemas are being converted to digital. The film projectors are being replaced by digital high definition LCD and LED projectors. Projectionists were actually lamenting the loss of film and describing how they no longer need to supervise the screenings, thread the film and switch reels in the middle of a movie. It's all being done automatically. In fact, they don't need many staff at all. Someone can visit just once a week to prepare the automated schedule and all the films are shown in the correct order and at the right times. So there are huge savings to be made - less projectionists and less staff overall. But what is lost is the quality, that film grain you get when light is shone through celluloid. The movement you get with film. With natural colours and tones, you know it's alive and real. Now it's all about crystal clear clarity, high definition images and digital sound. I understand that the complete switch to digital is inevitable, just like 35mm camera film, pretty much consigned to history and something I'll need to tell my son about one day.

I'm no expert on world events, but you don't have to be a genius to know that all is not right with the world. In fact, like many, I have little optimism and I fear for our future. The Occupy movements that have sprung up in cities across the world are lampooned in the mainstream media. But if you look at the message - the real message, you will see that the protesters too believe something is seriously wrong. They cite capitalism as the reason but it is in truth our system of capitalism that makes the rich richer and untouchable and the poor poorer and vulnerable. It's about fairness and opportunity for all. And that certainly isn't working and is wrong. So what happens? Well, I am just waiting for them to elect an official representative and form a political party. I wonder then how many people would support and vote for them? I suspect the number would be high. When you are desperate and when you have lost all confidence in the system that looks after you, that provides and offers you security, you look elsewhere. You are desperate, perhaps with nowhere to go in life, no money, in crippling debt and hungry. You will do anything to find a way out. So if someone comes along with a message, someone who understands your hardship and someone who promises a real alternative, you will follow them. Unless something changes in our current system of government and if the standard of living for everyday people doesn't improve, then this is something I can see happening.

My despair for our broken world is somewhat lessened by the marvellous work of the BBC's Children In Need appeal and the £26 million raised for our vulnerable, poor, disabled and abused young people. For a country that claims to be broke, when it comes to good causes, we always come up trumps. The same has been true of past appeals - famine in Africa and natural disasters - we always manage to find the funds to help. This makes me feel good and it's something we should be proud of, and rightly so.

So where will the world go in the coming new year? The prospect of conflict over Iran's nuclear programme gets nearer by the day and seems inevitable given their recent rhetoric. And what of their supporters, China and Russia. Do we really want to provoke them into choosing sides. I think not. And now we have renewed protests and violence in Egypt, when all had thought the country had been reborn. And of course there's Syria and its brutal crackdown on protesters, its own people. Again, any intervention could only result in wider conflict - and Syria too has its supporters who would make dangerous adversaries.
And finally we have our own continent of Europe and the financial crisis facing the Euro. Where will this end? Pessimistic, moi? You bet.

Finally, I've been reminded by a regular broadcaster on YouTube that the messages we receive through our UK mainstream media may not be complete and may be lacking facts. I would encourage people to look outside, to get a different view and perspective on world events. I cite the Occupy protests, particularly those taking place in London. Why do we think of the protesters as hippies and disillusioned students? Because that's what we're being fed. Look deeper and you'll find that the protests are made up of a broad spectrum of different people from all walks of life - all of which have come to the same conclusion. Watch a report from the BBC on the Occupy protests and then compare this to one from say Russia Today... Some could argue the different perspective is to emphasise the natural opposition to Capitalism in general over a perceived 'fair' system of communism. Maybe... Time and public opinion will tell.

All That Jazz

The Internet is often, sometimes too often, given a bad press. As far as my parents are concerned, the Internet is at the root of all evil. But, pushing all the bad things to one side, the Internet is a vast repository for almost everything and anything, provided you are prepared to look for it. Wikipeadia has grown to become one of the premier sites of reference and I use it often to find out about all sorts of things, often things I've heard or seen somewhere. In fact I've grown to rely on it so much that it's used on an almost daily basis.
So, a couple of evening's ago, I was browsing some of the file sharing sites (for audio books) and stumbled across a selection of old 78 rpm records someone had uploaded. It took just a few minutes to download and I was thrilled to discover that it was full of MP3 recordings of an enormous selection of records, mainly jazz from the 20's, 30's and 40's. I was thrilled. I love music, particulalry jazz and played as it used to be on a gramophone. I've only so far listened to a handful, but each one is a little gem and noe preserved for ever digitally for all to enjoy. I'm assured that there are many more to come as the uploader has a vast collection of records. This has to be one of the best things I've ever downloaded and for me is testiment to some of what the Internet has to offer.

Musings on the Day

A dull day weather-wise. That all covering blanket of grey. Really horrible. I did visit Wisbech with my wife for the weekly shop. We were determined not to spend too much so used a mini-trolley on the assumption this would prevent us from buying too much. We still managed to run up a bill of £49! I am convinced the same amount would have cost £10 less a year ago. It's getting truly ridiculous.
The 99p store was our next stop. A couple of years ago and we would never have considered shopping there, but now we make a point of visiting each time we're in Wisbech. Amongst the masses of crap, it is possible to find some true bargains. You do need to look though and I have become quite astute at doing just that. £20 can go a long way there and it's satisfying when you leave with two or three heavily packed bags. A sign of the times we're living in and while I was there an oldish chap asked an assistant where something was and the assistant replied in broken English and with a Latvian accent. The old guy really couldn't understand him and simply had to say thank you in the end, none the wiser. In fact every other person you see in Wisbech is a foreign national, often Russian, Latvian or Polish. They all have money, more than me. They have brand new mobile phones and they are driving very nice cars. Not like me.
I've been keeping a nasty secret since March of this year. I have had some library books, some very over-due library books. My wife remarks that I am the only person she knows who can get themselves deeply into debt with a library card. She is right of course. In fact the overdue charge was nearing £50. But luck was today on my side. The library service was having an amnesty for overdue books. So today, I took them back. I had previously thought of simply putting them back on the shelves and denying all knowledge when they eventually came chasing me for the fine. But instead I returned them legitimately. The have these machines that do the job of the librarians. You place your books into a hole and the machine reads the electronic tags and does the rest. I had half expected the machine to sound an alarm and flash red when it scanned my books. But it didn't thankfully and I quickly headed for the adult non-fiction section to hide. I overheard the librarian as she went through the returned books and came across mine. 'My goodness, these are very overdue', followed by a tut. Thankfully she didn't know me from Adam, but I do confess to feeling a little like someone who had escaped punishment for a serious crime.
I hear in the news today that the job market is set to get worse and worse. There will simply be fewer jobs for a growing number of people out of work. I also read a report on Yahoo stating that 36,000 people will become homeless this Christmas. Truly shocking. This could of course be our fate come February next year, unless of course something changes. Until then in a desperate attempt to postpone the inevitable, we are selling all we can on eBay. And things are selling, which is good, but just for £1 or 99p. But it's something and makes me feel a little better that we have 'some' funds coming in.
Tomorrow my wife is helping out on a school trip to Peterborough. She had her CRB check done, sadly essential in these times to volunteer with anything to do with the school. My son and his class are being taken to see the mosque and the cathedral. Wasted on a group of 4-5 year olds I suspect but it's a day out and he'll enjoy the coach trip more than anything else. So I'll be home alone. I may tinker with my newly acquired mobility scooter (another entry). I'll see what mood I'm in tomorrow...

A Garden Visitor

We had a visit this afternoon from a furry little creature, Mr Hedgehog. Luckily I managed to keep our Springer Spaniel away from him and watched as he took an interest in my tomato plant and then scurried-off around the side of the house. I dare say he's now decorating the road surface outside our home but I like to think he is exploring somewhere safe or has found somewhere snug and safe to settle down for the night...
Wherever you are, stay safe Mr Hedgehog and do call again.

Remembering

It is of course a special day, one of those days that will always exist. And that's important, for we are a country of tradition after all. In a way, it's the tradition and routine that holds everything together. In this time of turmoil and worry, the traditions and events we hold dear somehow serve to keep everything together. A sort of glue that keeps everything in its place.
I really think that in tough times, we turn to tradition and the things that are really important for support. It's something to grab hold of and hold onto in tough times.
I am always moved by the events that mark our period of remembrance here in the UK. We do things well here. We may not be the best at making things any more and our industries are a mere shadow of what they used to be, but we are certainly masters of ceremony.
It is fair to say that the act of remembrance this year is perhaps far stronger than ever. The recent conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan have added to the list of fallen young men and women and those who have been wounded, some severely. I can never begin to understand what it would be like to lose someone close, but I do know that it would be impossible to carry on if anything happened to my son. The loss is enormous and total in its effect.
For the first time in many years, I do feel the young people of today are able to relate more closely to these events. They are not just remembering those who gave their lives in the past conflicts and World Wars, often symbolised by old sepia worn photographs, but they are remembering many not much older than themselves lost in the current fields of conflict. The losses are not just from a time of long ago, they are current.
Lest we forget...

Comfort Zones

The first part of this month has certainly been manic. Europe seems to be slowly destroying itself, Occupy London protestors have setup camp at St Paul's Cathedral, the economy of this country and many others are stagnating and we saw a devastating accident on the M5 motorway which claimed the lives of seven people. The economic catastrophe is one that closely mirrors my own. I am in debt and heading for financial ruin if nothing changes in the next few months. I wonder like many if the economies of Europe will ever recover. All we seem to read about is how much debt each country is in and how much more money they are borrowing to pay it off. But surely it is exactly the same as me using a credit card to pay off my debt. All it amounts to is moving debt from one place to another. It never gets paid off, it just gets worse. So what a mess and what needs to be done? Have the Occupy London protestors got it right? Is capitalism a failed system? The richer get richer and the poorer get poorer. How much longer can we go on like this and how much more can people stand before they start looking for a way out? Isn't this how radical political groups seize power? There seems absolutley no alternative but to begin looking for something different and I echo some of the things I have heard from those protesting in London. Maybe they are right.
As we approach Christmas, the pressure increases. There is enormous financial pressure this year on families up and down the land. If we are in any way typical of a UK family then I extend my sympathy and more importantly my empathy. People are looking for cheaper alternatives, ways to make the pound in their pocket go further than ever and to settle for second best. I know this as the things we have on eBay are selling. In the past we have struggled to attract any level of interest. Now, things are different. People are desperate and probably like me wonder what the future holds. I am frankly fearful of where we are heading. When your dreams are constantly better than reality, you know things are bad. The waking up each morning and the realisation that reality really is that bad. It's not good. I worry for my son. What will things be like for him and can I tell him with any confidence that he has a wonderful future ahead of him? The truth is I cannot. I would be misleading him. Luckily he's not old enough to know what's going on around him. We put on a brave face and try to act as if nothing's wrong. He'll have a marvellous Christmas and he'll get all the toys he's asked for. This year, it's all about him and so it should be.
So where do comfort zones come in? Well I am out of my comfort zone and I guess this is true also for many thousands of people. The feeling of knowing that I have £10 or £20 in my wallet, that the bills are all taken care of and that this will be home next year, all things that provide comfort and security. That is no more and I think it's fair to say that no one really feels as secure as they did a year ago. Many are wondering (and worrying) if they will have their job next year. The people providing those jobs are wondering of they can continue paying salaries and offering wage increases.
So I, the people I know and the family of Europe are all out of the comfort zone. The question has to be not how long it will last but how long can it last...
Better news next time?