CBT and an Eastern Front

Not a bad day really. A little shopping in Wisbech and it was the first time our new little car had been used. It performed very well, very well indeed in fact.
I had my CBT assessment in Spalding at 2pm. It was just a load of questions about the problems I have and how they affect me. I scored quite high on the depression and anxiety grade and the woman who assessed me did remark that I may benefit from some different medication. She said she would make a note for my doctor.
I did have some difficulty locating the place at first. I had thought it was on the main road, but it happened to be tucked away down an alley way. I did in fact notice one of my support group members departing the place and that was how I managed to locate the entrance. Despite having the assessment today, there's a long waiting list for the CBT service and it could be many months before I am next seen. It was suggested that I try to find a book called 'CBT for Dummies' at my local library. I'll do this on my next visit.
A bit of a to do in Sutton St James today. Someone has taken a shot at a police officer and armed police have now closed the village and access to surrounding roads. It's an ongoing situation as I type this and negotiations are apparently underway to bring the situation to a peaceful end. It's really strange when you see a local village on the TV news. My sister lives in the next village at Tydd St Mary just a few miles from there.
We are once again being warned of some severe weather. It's possible we will have some heavy snow over the weekend but it's by no means certain at the moment. The weather system is coming from the East where temperatures across Russia and Eastern Europe are as low as -30 degrees C. It's looking at the moment as if this could be the worst winter in many years. We'll see...

An Icy Blast

We're being told to prepare for some nasty weather. An icy blast is on its way from the East and from about Wednesday the temperature is set to plummet. There's the real chance of some proper snow too, so it doesn't look as if winter is quite done with us yet. After all, we have had it pretty good so far with one of the warmest winters on record.
We have a new car and my mood has lifted finally. I've actually quite warmed to it. It's a Citroen Saxo, blue and really rather nice. OK it's not the sort of car I would have chosen and it does lack some features such as air conditioning and power steering. But it does have a sunroof and given its tiny engine, it really is quite sprightly. I've driven it a couple of times and it does take a little getting used to, but it's no great hardship.
We've started this week with my wife feeling very poorly. It started last night and she had a very restless sleep waking this morning with aching joints, a temperature and very little energy. As I type this she is lying on the sofa next to me in her Slanket fast asleep. She was to have helped out today at my son's school swimming trip but I had to call them earlier to tell them she was too unwell to attend. There is a nasty sickness and diarrhoea bug doing the rounds at the moment and they've had a lot of children off school because of it.
I'm really hoping I'll hear something this week regarding a couple of jobs I've applied for online. They are local and are both IT Support/Service Desk roles. It's all stuff I've done before so nothing too taxing.
I do feel a lot better than I have done the last few days. I really sank to a very low point and I know it caused my wife a lot of stress and worry. It's hard to explain why it happens and how I feel when it does. It's not something I have any control over though I'm sure people assume it's something I can turn on and off, but I can't. That's not how it works. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier on everyone if I disappear somewhere whenever a bout hits. I know I'm impossible to live with but it's important to me that someone's there for me when I eventually come out the other side. I fear that one day there won't be anyone, and that scares me a bit.
I have my first CBT session tomorrow in Spalding. I don't really know what to expect so I'll keep an open mind. On Thursday, I have an appointment with my doctor. My wife is coming with me this time.

Duldrums

It's fair to say I feel bottom of the heap at the moment. It's one

thing to feel like it but to be treated like it is another thing. I

feel bad that my wife has had to go cap in hand to her parents for help

with a new car. That's the sort of thing I should be doing, paying for

and finding a replacement car. But instead, my father-in-law is doing

all the work. It's not that we don't have the money - we do - but we

can't get our hands on it until April. The tax people owe it to us for

underpaying us the last year. So my father-in-law will get his money

then. Now in normal circumstances I suppose this would be fine but my

wife isn't having a say at all in the type of car he's getting her her.

So far, he's suggested and nearly bought a Citroen Saxo. Now I've

nothing against Citroen, in fact I admire the C5 a lot and hope one day

to have one myself. But he's chosen a 3 door tiny car, smaller than her

last car, with an engine that's underpowered and a European N-Cap

Rating to send any safety conscious person running. He's even admitted

to me on several occasions that he knows nothing about cars. So what in

the hell's going on? What he's forgetting is that we have a family, so

a tiny car with an engine to match and just 3 doors simply will not do.

We struggled enough with the old car, a Fiesta. Whatever he buys we

will be stuck with for at least the next couple of years. So what

should we do, just grin and bare it? My wife seems quite content to let

him just get on with it. She's failed to realize how I might be feeling

about it all. If she were to ask, if anyone were to ask, they'd find

out that I'm feeling left out, ignored and made to feel worthless. But

instead, I have to go round feeling grateful and happy that my

father-in-law has come to our rescue. I'm afraid I can't. So how should

I be feeling at the moment? Am I being ungrateful? It's fair to say

that the car troubles this last week have near sent me over the edge.

It was just another thing in a long line of mishaps and misfortune to

contend with. The onus should be on me to sort this kind of ting out, I

always have done in the past and it right to expect me to do so again.

But I simply cannot. I do not have the funds and everyone knows it. I

actually wish we had spent a little more time and looked elsewhere for

the funds. I'm sure my family or a friend would have happily lent the

money on the guarantee of us receiving a rebate from the tax people in

April. But no, it's my in-laws who have another opportunity to make me

feel useless. I know what they think of me. 'If only you worked hard

like us', I hear them say.

Woes

My wife left for work in the car this morning for the final time. She

will be taking it to the mechanic tonight with her dad and we're hoping

he'll give us something to take it off our hands. It's all very sad. I

hate to see a car go. It's over ten years old and holds so many

memories for us. If it was in any way possible, we'd keep it, but there

simply isn't the money.

To compound things, my in-laws are blaming me for what's gone on. They

don't say so much in words, but I know what they think and I know they

blame me for the dire financial situation we're in. They are forking

out the money for a replacement car, but it is clear to me that they

don't wish to involve me so I am keeping well out of it. It is there

money and until we can pay them back - which won't be until April at

present - it will be their car. I don't even want to drive it. It's

purpose is to get my wife to and from work. I will somehow find a way

to manage with the bus. It does run to here even though we're remote

but it's one of those services you need to book well in advance. It

doesn't run to any kind of timetable but it is supposed to meet the

main services to Spalding and King's Lynn. I really don't mind using it

provided I don't end up stranded anywhere for too long.

All this has sent me into a major bout of depression, the worst I have

known in a long time. I lack energy and enthusiasm and in the evenings

I just want to go to bed. I also lack any appetite for food and frankly

typing this has taken every ounce of my will power.

I called my Mum last night to tell her the car would be going this

evening. It means that she too will have to rely entirely on the bus

service as I used to see her on a Friday and take her into town every

Saturday morning. I also won't be able to visit my dear friend to help

with his model railway layout. This has always been my escape and

refuge from the stresses and strains of life currently. It was a place

where I could think and feel almost free from everything. They'll

understand I'm sure.

I will certainly be steering well clear of my in-laws. I was to have

gone with them tonight to hand over the car, but I really don't feel

like being anywhere near them. I know what they think and how they feel

about me. The way they are with me speaks volumes and I just wish so

much to be able to tell them all where to go. They have absolutely no

understanding of what I've been through, and continue to have to deal

with on a near daily basis. They will never understand and will remain

ignorant. I just wish that some kind of good fortune would come our way

so we can no longer have to be dependent on others, especially them. I

hate the fact that we've had to borrow money from them. I really hate

it. Something has to change.

Car Troubles

Firstly, the weather. What a miserable grey, wet and cold day it has been. Really awful and it did nothing for my mood today. It was lifted slightly this morning when I met again with my fellow sufferers at our support group meeting. We actually managed to have a laugh which was good and we all felt the better for it. For two hours I was away from the problems and the worries, amongst friends and safe from harm. The reality of everything soon hit once I got home and the fact that we are faced with losing our (only) car by the end of the week. The mechanic we use had been trying to reach me on my mobile all morning. He'd estimated that we would need £400 to get the car into a fit enough state to pass its MOT. That is certainly more than we wanted to spend and frankly it is money best spent on a replacement. The guy mentioned he'd be interested in taking the car off our hands so that's what we'll do. The little we get for it can be put towards something new.
It's all causing much stress and anxiety. We're so reliant on having a car, living remotely as we do it is our only real source of viable transport. We could happily make do with something electric and do our bit for the environment. We don't drive very far and it would be ideal for just popping to the shops and dropping my wife at work. It'll be years I suspect until that becomes an option, we're far too reliant on fossil fuels and the cost remains prohibitive for most people, even the wealthy. I'm really not in a good place at the moment...

Arse!

My previous optimism has been obliterated. The car failed its MOT in spectacular fashion. Of the list of items it was failed on, the steering rack tops it and with the car worth just £300 at most, it probably isn't worth paying for the repairs. Today has been miserable. I hate the waiting and today I passed the time by working on the train layout. Despite having a couple of shed heaters, it was freezing cold in there. In fact I'm still thawing out five hours on.
My wife is distraught and very depressed. We secretly knew the car would probably fail but expected it to be the brake pads. Instead we have a long list of things including brake pipes, springs and a lot of welding. It can all be done, and the car will certainly pass the MOT but at huge cost. I'll find out tomorrow exactly how much but if it's more than £300 then we'll be looking for a new car. The guy we take the car to has told me he'd be interested in buying the car from us. After all, it has four new tyres and a host of spares he can make use of. So hopefully the money he gives us for it combines with the amount we have set aside will finance a replacement run-around.
It's all just the latest thing in a long, long run of bad luck. Who was I kidding to suggest that their would be nothing wrong with the car? Myself I think. I wanted to believe that we'd get away with just the fee for the MOT and almost convinced myself of it. I think my wife believed my reassurances a little too much. The reality is that whatever you believe, it will normally be ten times worse. If you think it will take an hour or two, it will be more like thee or four. If you think they'll call you, they won't. You'll end up chasing them. This is the reality sadly and trying to remain positive is often the biggest mistake you can make. Arse!

Car Worries & Other Stuff

The car is going in for its MOT tomorrow morning. No matter how much I try to reassure myself that it's running fine and has nothing wrong with it, I'm resigned to the fact that there's probably something nasty lurking under the bonnet or something worn out that we can't see. There's money set aside just in case, but as normal it's money we've borrowed. I just know it's going to be a nightmare of a day. A friend is following me there and taking me back to theirs until the car is ready to collect again. My wife will be at home nervously awaiting my phone call to let her know the outcome. Whatever happens, we'll have to deal with it. It's not that it's a flash expensive car. Far from it. I used to own and drive nice cars and spend literally hundreds on MOT's and services. I look back now and cringe at the huge amounts of money I wasted. Now of course things are very different. We drive a basic little car. It isn't the cleanest, it isn't the fastest and it certainly isn't the biggest. But it gets us from A to B relatively inexpensively. Above all, it's reliable, very reliable. It starts first time whatever the weather.
So it's pointless worrying. We're fortunate to know the guy doing the MOT quite well and he knows the car. He's also honest. I know this to be true.

A busy Sunday. My son had a party today at the Funfarm in Spalding. It's a very popular venue and takes all the hassle out of arranging and hosting children's parties. The kids love it and the parents can sit in relative comfort whilst keeping a watcfull eye on their offspring. The allocated two hours is plenty, for the kids and the adults. Definately.

I'll write soon about music. I need to be in the right frame of mind and I'm currently stressed. I enjoy listening to a varied range of music, modern and old. But what's important for me and I suspect many others are the things that we associate to the music. The things we remember when we listen and the emotions certain tracks seem to trigger. I always treat music as a type of medicine or drug. It can have an enormous effect on mood, which for some is a very useful thing.

Something new, and I'm going to journal my viewing habits. I watch a lot of TV and much of it is obtained via the Internet. So here goes, and it's by no means an exhaustive list.

Stuff I've been watching...

Sherlock (BBC1 and current series now finished)
Bones (fantastic series from the US and downloaded via wonderful BitTorrent)
Criminal Minds (ditto)
Grim (ditto)
Rizzoli and Isles (ditto)
Person of Interest (ditto)
Call the Midwife (BBC)
Celebrity Coach Trip (Channel 4)
Idiot Abroad (Sky)
Dancing On Ice (ITV1)

Last film I've watched...

Hangover 2 - not as good as the first but still funny. I'd give it 8/10.

Stuff I'm eagerly awaiting...

Whitechapel (ITV1)

Stuff I'm listening to...

The Archers (of course)
Dad's Army (original radio series)
Sherlock Holmes - The House of Silk (BBC Radio)

So there we are. I suppose I'm a bit of a media junkie!

Journler... What Am I Doing Wrong?

I'm having real problems at the moment trying to update my blog using Journler on my Mac. I don't like having to be tied to the same computer and really like the Journler interface. Journler has a tool which is supposed to upload the journal entry to either Blogger or LiveJournal. It requires the account details - login and password - and the address of the blog. But each time I try to upload an entry it fails. I'm getting really frustrated with it now and I suspect that the newest version of Journler will solve the problem. The problem I have is that I'm running an old Mac OS so I'm restricted to certain older releases.
I don't suppose anyone out there is having the same problem, I Suspect I'm pretty unique in wanting to use an old Mac as well as PC and laptop...

Photo of the Day 20

A positive day today having started slow. My kitchen herb garden is beginning to do very well with shoots appearing in each of the four pots. Like a fool though, I managed not to label any of them so I will have to wait for the herbs to fully grow before I can compare them to the pictures on the box...

On the job front, I managed to apply for a second Service Desk IT position. This one is nearer to home than the one in Peterborough and it has been advertised for a few days. So I've sent my CV and hopefully I'll get some kind of response. I did receive an email for the previous application in Peterborough. It was sent from a head office address in London but thanked me for my application, which was nice.

 

A change of subject, and Podcasting has been around for some years now. I am actually a big fan though it has been taken over by whatever is the current new technology and it's not talked about much nowadays. However, I have been and still remain a big fan and I do download podcasts regularly to listen during the evenings on my MP3 player or late at night before sleep. One of my favourite podcasts is by Richard Vobes. He is based in Worthing UK, and produces a regular show from his home studio. I find it very entertaining and varied and he is certainly very clever at what he does. Although I enjoy the shows immensely, I am frustrated by his frustrations that podcasting hasn't brought him fame or opened doors into the broadcasting industry. If anyone deserves a break, it's him. I've listened for the last 6 years and always expected to hear that an opportunity had come his way that would allow him to showcase his talents to a wider audience. His sheer perseverance is something to be admired and I would recommend anyone still new to podcasting to visit his site at vobes.com to download and enjoy for themselves one of his many podcasts.

 

The Costa Concordia cruise ship disaster is one of those tragedies that will be remembered for a long time. The wreckless actions of the ship's captain have clearly contributed to the large loss of life and it is believed there are still many more bodies to be recovered from the ship, which currently lies on its side. Unlike other tragedies, this one will remain in the news and press for months to come. This is due to the size of the vessel and the fact that it will require a mammoth effort to either refloat her or dismantle her. The decision is yet to be made. To truly put this tragedy into some kind of perspective, it is useful to take a look online for previous photos taken onboard the Costa Concordia. To say that the ship is large would be an understatement. It is immense. The pictures shown recently on TV really don't relay at all well the size of this vessel. I have cruised with P&O on the Artemis and I thought that was big. It is a mere ferry in comparison.

Finally, there are calls today for (Sir) Fred (the shred) Goodwin to be stripped of his title. I wholeheartedly support these calls and the campaigns to prevent him from sitting on the board of any company ever again.