Thinking-Up Titles

I did think we would have to call off today's Group meeting as so few were able to attend. A combination of things were responsible for this morning's low turn-out and it was left to myself and two other group members to make the most of the time we had in the relative warmth and convenience of our venue.
Despite there being just the three of us, we did manage to while away the time talking about various issues that either troubled us, interested us or gave us cause for concern. In fact when we get going, we can often talk for hours.

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind today. The last couple of days have been quite stressful and I do feel as if things are settling down a little. There is still the complaint to deal with, currently residing with NPower but I'm hopeful we will be able to come to some kind of arrangement. Frankly, we'll have to.
I have been a little troubled by dreams. Mine are vivid and it's unusual if I don't dream each night. This is a side-effect of the Mirtazapine medication I am on and its sedative properties. The dreams are rarely joyful and positive experiences. Mostly they involve me being in some kind of office environment, often closed-in and suffocating. I am almost always in a position of varying responsibility but in almost all cases, I am responsible for something that goes wrong. This produces a strong feeling of guilt and failure that will often seep from my dream state into my conscious state and can stay with me for as much as a whole day afterwards.
I dare say those who as well as me believe in some symbolic connection between dreams and real life will agree that there is a link between the events in my sleep and failings in my past. This is pretty obvious. The clarity of the dreams and the real feelings they produce is something I find both interesting and troubling.

We are told we are heading out of the freezing weather period we have been experiencing here in the UK for the last couple of weeks. Here is the East, we are forecast to see a final parting gift tomorrow night of several inches of prolonged heavy snow which is anticipated to make Saturday morning 'challenging'. As with all forecasts, I tend now to take them with a large pinch of salt especially as we haven't seen anywhere near the amount of snow that has been forecast up to now. If it's as bad as the forecast predicts, I will post a photograph here on Saturday.

As I type this, shouts of excitement and schoolboy fun filter over my Herb Alpert and Friends LP. My son has his friend over to play and it sounds as though they are battling it out on the Wii ably refereed by my wife. I wrote of my 'wasted' trip to NHS Bracebridge Heath on Monday. It transpires that the meeting had been previously cancelled due to lack of interest but my original acknowledgement hadn't been passed-on to the organiser. The upshot is that I have received an apology and kind offer of reimbursement for my travel expense, which is nice. Despite the obvious clerical error, I do actually have tremendous respect for the people organising the meeting. The work they do and their motives for arranging the meeting in the first place are entirely Honourable. I have asked them to contact me when another meeting is arranged as they, like me, are keen that it should still go ahead. Any discussion regarding mental health services in Lincolnshire has to be a priority.

I'm quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow. I already plan to record an entry for my audio journal. I do though have a diabetic clinic appointment at 1.30 which I'm not looking forward to. My blood glucose levels are often a lot higher than they should be despite trying to maintain a low sugar diet. I think I may already know what the outcome will be.

It's strange. I find I can write about things very easily but the hardest part of maintaining a blog is thinking-up a title for each post. In fact, it often takes me longer to think up the title than it does to type the whole post entry!

My Moodscope score today is 51%

Citalopram Nights

The label reads 'Take one tablet daily just before bed'. This little yellow pill sure packs a punch. It keeps the dark clouds away. It also makes me sleep every night. I drift into Slumberland where I dream weird and wonderful things, so vivid I can remember the smallest detail. For a few hours, this pill makes me forget, it takes me to new and exciting places where anything is possible. Waking in the morning is a difficult process. I am wrenched from my slumber like being forced from one world into another. As I enter the real word, the world of now, reality begins to enter my mind and memory begins its painful entry back into my mind. Oh take me back to my Slumberland, where I am safe from the present, where I can be anything and do anything. There's a short time window when the recollection of a dream are vivid. If I'm lucky, I am able to capture them. If not, they vanish just like a fading roll of film. Some dreams are so vivid and leave such an impression, they seem to last forever, just like events in the 'real' world. This little yellow pill does its work in the conscious and the unconscious. Once awke, I feel as if fell into bed a few hours ago after a heavy drinking session. I feel rough, really rough. I feel I could slip back into Slumberland so easily. I must not close my eyes. Summoning the effort to move is difficult. My body seems to be several seconds behind my mind - the two aren't yet synchronised. After about half-an-hour, I'm functioning 'normally'. whatever that is. The real benefit of Citalopram is seen during the day. Has it helped me? Yes, most definitely. It keeps me away from the edge and helps me to stay in control. Is it the perfect solution? No. I still think the same things, it's just the effects of those things that are changed. It helps others to know that things are under control. Citalopram is a badge that tells others my speed is limited to 50 mph. It's an anti-surge device, a thermostat. It regulates and prevents me from going bang. It's my guardian during the day and my weaver of magical dreams at night. My Citalopram.