First Look at Our New Allotment

Today, I visited our new group allotment along with some members from Blue Skies. The allotment has been kindly donated to the group by one of our members and it is hoped that we will be able to grow our own herbs and vegetables with a view to selling them and using any surplus ourselves.

The site actually stretches to the trees just visible in the distance though we will only use the section that's been cleared to begin with.

There is much work to do, but I was hugely impressed by a couple of Polish chaps who had cleared a large area of weeds and overgrown grass and were busy constructing six plots for our members to tend themselves. Once the plots are complete, I'm told that they are to set about building a conservatory (the stack of wood and windows) for us to sit and relax in, or to shelter from the rain. A wood burning stove will provide warmth on cold days and provide the heat for a kettle and frying pan. They've thought of everything!

Thinking-Up Titles

I did think we would have to call off today's Group meeting as so few were able to attend. A combination of things were responsible for this morning's low turn-out and it was left to myself and two other group members to make the most of the time we had in the relative warmth and convenience of our venue.
Despite there being just the three of us, we did manage to while away the time talking about various issues that either troubled us, interested us or gave us cause for concern. In fact when we get going, we can often talk for hours.

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind today. The last couple of days have been quite stressful and I do feel as if things are settling down a little. There is still the complaint to deal with, currently residing with NPower but I'm hopeful we will be able to come to some kind of arrangement. Frankly, we'll have to.
I have been a little troubled by dreams. Mine are vivid and it's unusual if I don't dream each night. This is a side-effect of the Mirtazapine medication I am on and its sedative properties. The dreams are rarely joyful and positive experiences. Mostly they involve me being in some kind of office environment, often closed-in and suffocating. I am almost always in a position of varying responsibility but in almost all cases, I am responsible for something that goes wrong. This produces a strong feeling of guilt and failure that will often seep from my dream state into my conscious state and can stay with me for as much as a whole day afterwards.
I dare say those who as well as me believe in some symbolic connection between dreams and real life will agree that there is a link between the events in my sleep and failings in my past. This is pretty obvious. The clarity of the dreams and the real feelings they produce is something I find both interesting and troubling.

We are told we are heading out of the freezing weather period we have been experiencing here in the UK for the last couple of weeks. Here is the East, we are forecast to see a final parting gift tomorrow night of several inches of prolonged heavy snow which is anticipated to make Saturday morning 'challenging'. As with all forecasts, I tend now to take them with a large pinch of salt especially as we haven't seen anywhere near the amount of snow that has been forecast up to now. If it's as bad as the forecast predicts, I will post a photograph here on Saturday.

As I type this, shouts of excitement and schoolboy fun filter over my Herb Alpert and Friends LP. My son has his friend over to play and it sounds as though they are battling it out on the Wii ably refereed by my wife. I wrote of my 'wasted' trip to NHS Bracebridge Heath on Monday. It transpires that the meeting had been previously cancelled due to lack of interest but my original acknowledgement hadn't been passed-on to the organiser. The upshot is that I have received an apology and kind offer of reimbursement for my travel expense, which is nice. Despite the obvious clerical error, I do actually have tremendous respect for the people organising the meeting. The work they do and their motives for arranging the meeting in the first place are entirely Honourable. I have asked them to contact me when another meeting is arranged as they, like me, are keen that it should still go ahead. Any discussion regarding mental health services in Lincolnshire has to be a priority.

I'm quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow. I already plan to record an entry for my audio journal. I do though have a diabetic clinic appointment at 1.30 which I'm not looking forward to. My blood glucose levels are often a lot higher than they should be despite trying to maintain a low sugar diet. I think I may already know what the outcome will be.

It's strange. I find I can write about things very easily but the hardest part of maintaining a blog is thinking-up a title for each post. In fact, it often takes me longer to think up the title than it does to type the whole post entry!

My Moodscope score today is 51%

A Stressful Day, A Wasted Trip & Andrew Lyons

A stressful day. I attended a rather subdued Group meeting this morning which was thankfully made more cheerful by the arrival of Harry and Harriet, our local Pets As Therapy dogs and their handlers. There were once again relatively few attendees and I'm inclined to blame the weather for their non-appearance.
The journey to Spalding this morning was again made in freezing conditions, this time compounded by thick fog and ice. It looks as if we are in for a prolonged period of freezing temperatures though the snow does seem to have abated.

Speaking on non-appearance, I yesterday afternoon attended what I believed to be a meeting held at Lincolnshire NHS offices at Bracebridge Heath. The meeting had been scheduled for 4pm and its purpose was to informally discuss how we all felt about the future of mental health support in the wake of Andrew Harrison's tragic death. How surprised was I then to find on arrival that I was the only one attending and that the meeting had evidently been cancelled. I have sent an email to the organiser but I have yet to receive a reply.

Today had been allocated by my wife for us to contact the council regarding our council tax payments and our electricity provider Eon regarding the ridiculous amount they are changing for our lighting and heating.
I had been dreading the prospect of having to speak with them but thankfully my wife had dealt with the council before I arrived home from Group. I find more and more that my anxiety kicks in and frankly makes me feel quite ill. I much prefer to type letters. It is one of the few things I am still able to do with any level of confidence.
I finally mustered the courage and explained our situation to the chap in their call centre. To his credit, he was actually quite helpful and having explained that there was no way we could afford to pay £360 per month, he set about changing our payment arrangement. This still leaves the £800 odd debt we've somehow managed to accrue since joining them last year. This still needs to be resolved and a complaint has been raised with a dedicated team who should be contacting us in a couple of days time. Of particular concern is how our monthly energy consumption could have leaped from £126 to £196 and why they emptied our bank account at the beginning of January to pay off some of what we owed - without consulting us beforehand. This may sound minor and trivial to many but when you have very little or no income, it's pretty major.

Suicide is in the news again. The BBC have an article on their news site which highlights the increase in the number of people taking their own lives. This is tragic and sad, but not unexpected. I've written at length about how stress, depression and their causes such as debt, redundancy and the squeeze on living standards caused by Government policy is making life unbearable for many. An increasing number are being pushed to the limit, and in some cases, beyond.
In my local newspaper, the Spalding Guardian, I see that there was another successful suicide attempt in Spalding. The body of Andrew Lyons, aged just 33 was discovered next to the railway line. What drove Andrew to this act is unknown but it is a sad fact that more and more people in their 30's are choosing the ultimate way out and freedom from the pain and misery of debt and redundancy. Why? is something many will be asking. Was help available to Andrew or had he sought help? IS there anything anyone could have done to make his situation easier or provide hope, enough for him to see that there is a reason for carrying on? Perhaps we'll never know, but Andrew is a reminder to us all of how suicide is difficult to predict and to prevent in someone determined enough.
I always feel anger when something like this happens. I feel angry that no one was able to help. I feel angry that Andrew felt so desperate and alone, that his problems couldn't be resolved or worked out. If help had been provided and there was hope, what would Andrew have become and achieved in his life? Whatever pushed Andrew to the limit and beyond could have been made easier with support and help from others, particularly those who have been where Andrew had been, people who understand how it is to feel there is no way out of a situation and to make the ultimate choice. People like this are in a unique position to empathise and provide the support needed to convince someone like Andrew that there is another way out. When someone is depressed and at their wits end, it is impossible to see, but it is there, of this I am convinced. If only...
My Moodscope score today is 47%

A Red Warning & When Asking Advice Isn't Always the Best Thing...

There's no denying it, it's cold... very cold. Group today was not very well attended though I suspect the weather is just one of the reasons for staying away.
The drive to Spalding was without event, apart from having to stop once or twice for the screen wash nipplets to thaw out. Luckily I'd had the sense a couple of days ago to fill it with concentrate.

View looking towards Gedney Church from A17

Tomorrow looks set to be dicey. There are warnings of heavy snow for most of the UK and the highest level red warning has been issued by the Met Office. Thankfully I don't need to venture out tomorrow and I made sure I collected a couple bags of firewood on the way home today, so I should be OK.

A friend is looking for a new car and we were asked our views and advice at Group on a particular model she had seen. Having the laptop with me, I looked it up on the What Car? website. The ratings were not very good. It scored just one star for reliability and quality and the same for its interior and features. This didn't go down very well and I did wonder whether it is practicable to ask someone their views and advice when buying something as big as a car. I know from experience that ratings and reviews are normally the last thing one consults when buying a vehicle. Often, we are sold on looks and appearance failing to take into account miles per gallon and ride comfort. As well as the crass reviews, the garage she was intending to buy it from was also lampooned.
The whole thing left me wondering if I would seek advice when deciding to buy a new car. I soon came to the conclusion that I would not, preferring to trust my own instinct and experience. After all I've never had a bad experience buying a car and they've always lasted a few years without major incident.
Sometimes it can be highly beneficial to invite the views of others. But there are occasions when some things should be handled alone.

An Unremarkable Tuesday

An event-free day. The weather behaved itself despite it being bitterly cold. We didn't have any more snow today though there is more forecast for the coming days. I did pass one casualty of the weather as I neared Whaplode on the way to Spalding earlier today. Thankfully the driver escaped without injury.

We welcomed a new member to our Group this morning, the partner of one of our existing members. I'm hopeful they will want to keep coming and that they will find the talking therapy we provide to be helpful.

I'm in a pensive sort of mood today. There's much I want to do but I tend to spend much of my time thinking about it. The fact that much of it involves money keeps it from becoming a reality, but I will continue to hope and wish as many others do.

Meeting Coco

A return to normal today with a Group meeting where we met 'Coco' for the first time. Coco is a Chiwawa puppy, just a few weeks old and belongs to my very dear friends and Godparents to my son.

She is simply adorable and the smallest dog I've seen. It was clear that the Group members were very taken with her and in no time she had become the focus of their attention. My son particularly enjoyed meeting her and thoroughly enjoyed his time with the Group today.

On my drive back home from the Group, I was struck by the number of potholes that have appeared between Long Sutton and Spalding. Some of them could do real damage if driven over and it is very clear to me that our roads locally are in need of urgent attention. So come on South Holland District Council... do something before these potholes cause an accident.

I bought a couple of rather nice books today. My library was having a book sale and many of the titles appeared to be new and unread. I managed to procure a book cataloguing every recorded UFO sighting and another on the subject of countryside railways, containing some wonderful photos of trains in various locations around the UK. Both books were just 60p each, which I thought to be a bargain.

2012 was officially the second wettest year on record. I can't say I'm surprised given the amount of rain we had since April when the hosepipe bans begun to be lifted. Today has been the first dry day we've had in weeks and we're not due any more significant rainfall for the foreseeable future. Despite this, it is very mild - unusually so for early January and I wonder if we will see any real Winter weather before Spring arrives. With our weather becoming more and more unpredictable, it's difficult to say what will happen but we are being told by those in the know to expect more severe weather and prepare for further flooding. Let's hope it is short lived.

Hello to 2013

A good start to the New Year. We had a Group meeting this morning and though only a handful turned-up, it was very pleasant and for the first time we provided bacon rolls. I'd be aching to use the cooking facilities at our community centre venue and relishes the opportunity to play chef for the morning.

I'm typing this having just had dinner and two thirds of a bottle of Chilean red wine. I'm not drunk, just pleasantly tipsy. I hope everyone had had a good start to the New Year. Judging by the roads today, many opted to stay at home and take advantage of a long lay-in. I can't say I blame them.

Whoever you are and wherever you live, I wish you a very happy, peaceful and prosperous New Year.

A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. When someone you know dies, it throws you into a state of flux. When they take their own life, it fills you with a lot of different emotions. As well as feeling sad and distressed at his loss, I found myself feeling very angry, angry that it could have happened and angry that all the good work that he had done and the projects he had planned were now gone. I kept playing over in my mind how he could have been feeling and what led him to do it. Was the problem so great that there was no solution? Could anyone have helped prevent it? Perhaps he just wanted to go, no matter how much help and support was on offer. Perhaps he'd simply had enough and just didn't want to go on. Maybe we'll never know.
The void left by Andrew's death is huge. So many people knew him, from NHS executive through to support groups and mental health sufferers. For many he was their champion, someone who campaigned tirelessly for greater understanding and better services. Many have remarked how, if it hadn't been for Andrew, they wouldn't be here today. Andrew's legacy will live on through the people he has touched and the campaign he started. It will be up to the people Andrew knew to continue the good work he started and the various support groups to promote this work through training, awareness and fund raising.
Andrew's funeral is being held on Friday 7th December at Nocton Wood Burial Site, Lincoln. I will be attending with one of my support group colleagues on behalf of Blue Skies.

The week started quite badly with a visit to the bank, practically pleading with them to extend the arrangement we have with them for another three months to March next year, when the interest rate drops to 3.9% (we are currently on a fixed rate of 6.9%). Sadly, despite our pleas, the bank decided not to be as helpful as they could have been and as a result, we have had to seek the help once more of the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They have, as expected, been brilliant. They have written to the bank on our behalf in an attempt to make them see sense and I hope that we'll hear some good news soon. The alternative is a fine each month, harassing phone calls at all hours, and threatening letters. We were told by the adviser at the bank to expect this. This is despite being told by my wife of my poor mental health. The problem with banks, particularly the large ones, is that exceptions cannot be made for customers with specific needs. Unless you fit into one of their boxes, they don't want to know. Your circumstances trigger computer generated letters and harassing telephone calls from faceless call centres. They don't know you, they don't know your situation and they don't know how to deviate from the script in front of them or stuck to the side of their little partitioned cubicle. They don't care. It's not as if we're asking the earth, we're not - just three months leniency until we're able to take advantage of the new lower interest rate.
It's far to say that this is having a bearing on my mental state. I do worry about it constantly and if anything is going to drag me back down in the coming weeks, it is this.

I've been more busy than ever this last week with preparations for our funding bid application from the Mental Illness Prevention Fund. On Monday, I spend several hours going through the application at a colleague's place. Since then, I've been constantly updating things especially costs as we think up new items to add to the list. We're already at over £3,000!
On Tuesday, we visited the bank to start our application for a bank account. Whilst there, the bank manager opened up to us about her daughter, who suffers mental illness. In fact we spent most of the one hour appointment talking about this. The relief at having found a local support group was palpable. I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. Mental illness is everywhere. I was so glad that we'd been able to help and it was reassuring to know that we had the support of our bank manager!

Thursday was particularly stressful and I found myself feeling quite emotionally drained. Our members are in need, that is why they attend the group. The company of others, particularly those who understand and who have lived experience of their illness, is important to them. For many, they simply wouldn't get out of bed if they didn't have the group. Sadly, several were in a distressed state and in greater need of our support than normal. It is very sad to see them this way and I feel frustrated at not being able to help more. I've seen what desperation does and I'm doubly keen to ensure we offer all the support we can when it is needed and an assurance that it is there when it is not. To further the types of support we are able to offer, I would very much like for us to be trained in counselling skills. I have been asked for counselling and it would be great if we were able to offer this. For some the thought of having to see a 'professional' is very off-putting and it is very important that our members feel comfortable and at ease.

A difficult visit to my parent's this morning. I felt like a caged animal. I do whenever I'm with family. They don't talk to me (perhaps they don't know what to say to someone with mental illness), and I feel quite ostracised. The longer I'm there, the worse I feel. Paranoia soon sets in and I become anxious about what they are thinking and saying about me. It is horrible, I feel terrible and it's a situation I always try to avoid. Of course they don't understand and I get comments like 'you're not talking very much' and 'cat got your tongue?'. The people I work with do, they more than understand. They go through it every day, the same feelings just like me. I'm so glad I know them and I would be lost without them.

The weather is once again in the news. As I type this, I see that two people have so far lost their lives due to flooding and falling trees. It is worse in the West where flooding is the main problem due to burst rivers and breached defences. There was a time when flooding on this scale would have been a singular event and treated as a major crisis. Nowadays, it is all too common. Flooding is becoming a regular occurrence and it is becoming more and more difficult to accept those who claim that our weather patterns are not changing. It is clear that our weather is worsening and those living in flood hit areas of the country should expect more and more events such as those we have witnessed this week.

A Quick Catch-Up

A few days since my last post. The fact is I've been quite busy with the support group, specifically our funding bid and other paperwork that needed completing. It's all getting quite serious now. Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with the NatWest to open an account for the group for any funding we're lucky to receive and fundraising monies. We have formed a committee, of which I am membership secretary. I really didn't want too much responsibility and I'll be quite happy sending out welcome packs and newsletters. That'll do me just fine.
Yesterday, we spent several hours at our secretary's home completing the funding application form. What I thought would take a couple of hours ended up taking more than five! In truth we did keep deviating from the task in hand but we managed to complete it in the end.
Another task has been putting together the costs for our project and activities. We are aiming to provide various art and craft related activities as well as computer skills training and Internet access. I'm managing to keep the cost of the computers down by using refurbished laptops and I have managed to keep the cost of everything so far to about £1.5k. With the art and craft materials, we are currently up to £2,800.
I really hope we are awarded some funding, though it would be brilliant if we could get the full amount we're requesting. We'll be able to provide so much for our members.

Last Thursday saw our first parent's evening with my son's new teacher. To be honest we had our doubts about her but came away feeling quite reassured and confident that our son was being taught well. I felt strangely odd sat on a chair built for a five year old and confess to feeling a little intimidated, much like the way I felt as a school kid.

A small computer job locally brought in a little money which paid for an urgent replenishment of my e-cig liquid. I just wish I could get a few more jobs like this to provide a meagre income.

We had to visit the bank today to discuss our own mortgage which we've had problems paying since I fell ill. We are currently on a high interest rate with them (6.9%) and this changes in March next year to (3.9%) which will reduce our payments considerably. We've been told we can switch to interest only which will bring our payments down further to a manageable level which will be great and will take enormous pressure off my wife who is struggling to pay everything from her tiny part time wage. The arrangement we currently have with the bank ends this month, so we asked if this could be extended until February. Sadly they have refused despite knowing our situation. This means we will have to go back to the Citizen's Advice Bureau to get help to plead our case to the bank in the hope they will see sense. Three months will make very little difference to what we owe and our mortgage arrears, and I would have thought it would make more sense for the bank to show a little leniency, but they've chosen not to.
There are other options open to us but I'm hoping we can avoid them and with the help of the CAB come to some agreement for the next three months.

Despite the worries with the bank, I seem to be holding up quite well. I've been on a 'high' for a few weeks now which has enabled me to produce a lot of documentation for the group. Whatever chemical that keeps my mood in the right place seems to be topped-up at the moment. I wish I knew what keeps it regulated.

As I'm typing this, I hear on BBC Radio 5 that the last typewriter to be produced in the UK will be in Wrexham by Brother. The electric typewriter is being given to the Science Museum. How sad it is that something that revolutionised the way we communicated has been relegated to a display cabinet in a museum. I still feel determined for my son to have one.

Finally a little tip for motorists at this time of year. Do take a few minutes to check your tyre pressure. I did and found to my amazement that each front tyre was 10 PSI lower than they should have been. Now that I've corrected this, steering is feather-light and more importantly, we are saving fuel!

Bug Free

Today I finally feel free of the bug that's taken me over these last four days. It has taken a long time to recover and even when I felt OK, the symptoms would return, as they did most of last night. I'm beginning to doubt as to whether I did contract Norovirus. Although the symptoms are identical, I'm inclined to believe I may have suffered severe food poisoning. I'm still at a loss though to know where I actually caught it, as I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary last week.
I can honestly say that whatever it was, I felt awful. The stomach cramps and continuous nausea were by far the worst symptoms which would continue well into the night. I am so glad to finally be free of it.

I now feel I'm back to 'normal service'. I attended my support group this morning at which we had a guest volunteer, studying for a PhD in Psychology. It was hit or miss at to whether I would attend. I felt ever so weak and not quite with it, but in the end it went well and I'm glad I made the effort (and it was an effort!).
I find myself now having to catch up on things. I've been detached for the last four days and I need to bring myself up to date with things.
This coming Thursday and Friday, I am attending a course in Louth with one of my colleagues. It's on the subject of Mental Health First Aid and it has been booked for some time. Despite this, I'm struggling to locate any course details so at the moment I have no idea of the venue, except for it being in Louth. I do know it starts at 10am so I won't have to leave too early, thank goodness.

Tomorrow, the US (and the rest of the World) will know if President Obama has another four years in office or whether Mitt Romney will be beginning his first term as the world's most powerful leader. The news is full of coverage from correspondents speculating the outcome. At the moment, the suggestion is that Obama has a slight lead and I personally would be very surprised if Obama is replaced. I'm not that concerned who wins, but I am reminded of Ronald Reagan each time I look at Mitt Romney, and with that my worries that he could develop similar policies to those we saw during the 1980's.

My Moodscope rating has taken a slight dip, given my recent state of health, but today I scored a respectable 64%. Not bad.

A Day of change & a damned culture

It feels like a day of change today. This morning we welcomed two new members to our support group. Both are unique and bring their own problems and experiences. I am reminded of just how diverse society is.  It is very easy to get used to people, those you see regularly and interact with. New people bring fresh insight and dynamics, and it is interesting to see the new connections being made between the new and old members of the group. Change can be good, but it can feel odd.

Weather today has been pretty miserable. It's still very misty, but quite mild. My drive to Spalding this morning was peppered with countless mindless idiots who don't understand when they should use the bright shiny lights on the front of their cars. Another (blue Vauxhall Cavalier driver) even thought it would be great to overtake anything in front of him, at speed and without indication. In a changing world, one thing seems to remain constant - the driving skills and behaviour of South Holland road users. Rant over.

I see that Ceefax will be switched off tonight at 11.30pm when Northern Ireland's remaining analogue TV signal is powered down for good. It's amazing to read that Ceefax has been around for 38 years and how at its peak in the 1990's, 20 million viewers regularly used the service, relying on it for their news headlines, weather forecasts and and sports results - all in a simple though blocky format.

The Jimmy Savile scandal is still very much in the news and continues to dominate the headlines. George Entwistle appeared before MP's earlier today to explain why the Newsnight report into the original allegations had been dropped. I like many do find his explanation a little difficult to understand and I question why he was not in the least bit curious as to why the report had been cancelled. I find it very hard to believe that a person in his position would not want to know why, or enquire at the very least into what the report was about.
I do feel that although obviously the person at the centre of the allegations and investigations is Jimmy Savile, what we are also investigating and to some extent blaming, is an entire era and its culture. It seems to me that it is not just the actions of an individual, but a culture that allowed for such actions to take place and go unreported for so long. I cannot believe that no one else knew. One only has to watch an edition of 'Top of the Pops' from the 1970's to see young girls literally falling all over the presenters. Other programmes of the era record over-familiarity between presenters and audience members. There is a stark physical element to many - arms around shoulders and waists, embraces and touching - that today simply would not happen. It would be judged as assault, pure and simple. The culture then was totally different to the culture of today, and it is the culture then that played an important part in allowing the abuse to take place. We judge that period by the standards of today. Yes it was wrong, very wrong but the culture and the society of the 1970's allowed it and expected to see it - a few hours of TV from the period is evidence enough.

My Moodscope rating is 33% today, pretty good.

Art & Appreciation

A good day. Arts & crafts was the theme at our Support Group earlier today. We all tried our hand at painting in acrylics, the second time we've created some art. I'm pretty sure we get better each time we do it and we were fortunate to have with us my dear friend Janet who assisted with her professional skills and tips.
I've put our latest creations online in the Arts & Crafts section of my website.
We're going to see the people at ArtLinc a week this Friday with a view to bringing the initiative to South Holland. I'm hopeful they may be able to assist with funding and exhibiting.

My mood today has been pretty good. My leaflet for the Group was very well received and I received considerable praise for my efforts. It's great to feel valued once more and praise of any kind does wonders for the spirit, especially mine.
The next step is to get the leaflet (and poster) over to our Volunteer Services Manager for him to approve and arrange to get printed for us.
My Moodscope rating today is 15%, an increase on yesterday and a fair reflection of how I'm feeling today. If I can keep it going through tomorrow then I'll be very pleased with myself. The weather often has an effect on my mood and I'm concerned that is is very grey and dull at the moment. It's the sort of grey blanket I've written about before. I'll continue to make the most of my good mood while it lasts!

Ups & Downs

I find myself feeling a little odd today. I should be busy but following the last week, I can't help feeling I should be due a rest. The last week has certainly had its ups and downs. The ups are certainly related to my volunteering work and having gained approval for a leaflet I've produced along with a poster for displaying in GP surgeries and waiting rooms. I've also come up with a name for our group, 'Blue Skies'. I didn't really spend very much time researching it, a few minutes on the Internet was all it took. Again, I have approval for this too and the group now feels more official and as having a formal identity.
I hadn't really set out to do all this myself. I have to be in a creative mood and last weekend I felt inspired to start work on a leaflet describing the group with a view to making it sound appealing for anyone interested in joining. I am aware of many groups dotted around the county who have done similar things and having seen their leaflets, I was convinced that we could do the same.
I need to do just a little more work on it before emailing it off to our volunteer services manager for final approval. I am rather hoping he will arrange for them to be printed.
So that's all been rather good. Our volunteer services manager did pay us all a visit on Thursday where he discussed with us funding and getting involved with a project run in Lincoln called ArtLinc. It just so happens that we have been looking at art & craft activities and this fits rather well. Added to this, we have two semi-professional artists within the group who could look after this. I have charged myself with setting up computer classes for anyone interested, and this will be my baby.
The week has certainly had its downs. Once again I have been pushed to the brink of despair by my bank, who knowing my situation have allowed me to pay a reduced contribution towards my mortgage. They called me to let me know that this arrangement had run out and that they were prepared to extend it until the end of November. They also made a point of reminding me of the arrears.
The whole thing just served to plunge me into a deep depressive low. At the time, I could see no way out, a reminder of how I used to feel and the desperation that would take me to some very dark places. Added to this, my accountant chose the worst possible time to remind me that my tax return was soon due meaning more expense as he does this for me. Although it is all zeros as I haven't received a penny all year, I still end up paying about £150 for the privilege of letting HMRC know!
I know that things with the bank look worse than they probably are and that I'll still be sat here typing my blog this time next year. Anxiety and depression make you see the worst of a situation. You worry about the worst possible outcome and despite being told that things will be different, you simply cannot see things that way. It is nothing less than a mind controlling illness, producing irrational fear and dread. For a non-sufferer, it is impossible to understand the mind of someone affected. I spend a lot of time with other people who encounter the illness on a near daily basis. I need not explain to them how I feel when the bank get in touch - they know. In a way, this is a comfort. I am not alone. They cannot help with my situation - the fact still remains that I cannot pay the bank what I owe them, well not right now anyway. Wait a few more years until I'm 55 and they can have every penny with interest, courtesy of my private pension.
It's this constant fear of the unknown that keeps me on this roller coaster of emotions. I cannot now see beyond November and I fear that we will spend Christmas with the prospect of losing our home in the new year. That is unless we are able to sort something out between now and then. There are certain 'rescue schemes' I have read about where the council can buy your home from you and you then pay a reduced rent to continue living in it. This might be an option if the worst comes to the worst.
It's the worry also. It's always there. It's the first thoughts that enter my head when I wake in the morning - the dire situation we're in and the guilt at having created and being responsible for the situation. This is the worst time of the day for me. The realisation that it's not all a dream, it's real.
I'm constantly told to focus on the good things, and to turn negatives into positives. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.

Didn't We Do Well...

This weekend, like many others, I find myself a little more proud to be British and reminded of just how good we are as a country at putting on a good show. The opening ceremony for the Olympic Games on Friday was nothing less than stunning. It would be a waste of time to describe any of the content as no words of my own could really do it justice though I do feel TV viewers literally had the better seat as so much was going on in the display that being a live spectator would have afforded only a limited view of the whole thing.
It was very clear that, in addition to the very well choreographed history lesson, some of Danny Boyle's own passions were catered for, particularly the NHS and Great Ormond Street Hospital. This is of course at odds with our government, which up to now has been hell-bent on destroying it.

I do begin to find pessimism and a certain level of criticism giving way to pride and an acceptance that despite the glitches and doom laden predictions, the event is already a success. There are of course several weeks to go until the closing ceremony, but if things carry on just as they are then we should be able to look back on having hosted a Games event to be remembered for many years and for the right reasons.
The star of the show, it can be argued, was the Queen who starred alongside Daniel Craig in a James Bond spoof. This was itself a work of genius and I believe has shown us as a country that doesn't take itself too seriously. A great start.

Monday and Tuesday of last week were taken up on my ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) course, held at the Johnson Hospital in Spalding. The course complimented SafeTalk and provides the skills required to recognise suicide risk and intervene.

Essentially, the initiative is being run in response to the increasing numbers of people who attempt to take their own lives each year. The training was excellent and very well organised. It's certainly not for everyone, and the subject matter is dark and at times runs quite deep. Many attending the course had experience of suicide and mental illness, and it provided a valuable opportunity for some networking and to inform others of the work I do in helping to run an Anxiety & Depression Support Group here in Spalding.
At the end of the course, we were invited to register as a responder. This involves being placed on a nationwide list of responders trained to intervene in situations where suicide is a risk. I did register myself, though I really hope I will never be called upon.
I will be developing a section on my website containing information about SafeTalk and ASIST over the coming weeks. Visit http://www.pcknowledge.co.uk/health

Thursday saw another meeting of our group and in a diversion to the norm, we all had a go at painting with acrylics. Emma had very kindly brought in some materials and somewhat tongue-in-cheek, we all produced a  mini work of art. Speaking for myself, it was about 25 years since I have done anything 'arty', and the other group members a great deal longer. Despite this, it was very much enjoyed and kept us all quiet for an hour while we concentrated deeply on recreating the images in our mind's eye.

Yesterday I did mention we'd had a go at painting to my dear friends and they have kindly agreed to come along one Thursday to give us some tuition . Quite why I hadn't thought of this before now, I really don't know. Their support and friendship in the group will be valued and I am confident they will fit in very well.
I'm hoping that painting and other crafts will catch-on and become a regular thing. We intend to put in a bid for arts and crafts materials in September when the second round of funding for mental health projects becomes available.
I have rather ambitiously added an arts and crafts section to my website and a gallery where our paintings will be displayed. I have uploaded our first attempts and these can be found on my website.

It is raining here as I type this, and we have had some heavy storms. As a result, I have a 'storm head'. It's a type of headache I get when the weather is stormy, probably caused by some kind of atmospherics. I did manage, before the storms arrived, to dig-up my first crop of potatoes from my patio grow bag and though not a huge harvest, I am very pleased with them.

I intend to have them with a pie later in the week. Having already tasted one, I can confirm they taste divine.
Also, I just had to include a photo I took earlier of a rather peculiar carrot my father dug-up...

While I have been typing this, I have forgotten to remember to bid on eBay for a truss girder bridge I've seen that would be ideal on the model railway layout I'm building. I've just taken a call from my friend asking if I was successful and had to admit that it had completely escaped my mind, like so many things lately. Such a shame as it would have been ideal for the position I have created for it.

My wife has had me trawling the Internet for cheap caravan breaks in Norfolk. Even the most basic of accommodation command ridiculous prices, some as high as £600 for a few days. I've left her with the laptop as I type this as there is only so much trawling I can bear, and after all she does know how much we have to spend, whereas I do not. So it looks like we may be having a mini break at some point in the next month. More details to follow, no doubt...

Getting More Involved

We have a new member at our Tuesday Depression Support Group. Her name is Emma and she has joined as a volunteer and sufferer. It's really nice to have someone new in the group and her input will be very welcome. In addition to this, I was asked if I would volunteer to support the group and help to bring new members into the group. I had given thought to this previously but was uncertain as to whether I would be able to commit. But I've decided that this is really something I would like to do and I'm hopeful that it may in time develop into something more permanent. I do like talking with people and my own experiences of depression and anxiety should help with providing support and an understanding ear to anyone needing assistance.
As if to start me off on my new role, I was asked if I would make contact with a possible new member of the group by introducing myself and suggesting they attend next Tuesday. I didn't quite know what to expect but the chap was very friendly and dare I say it very pleased to receive my call. I suggested he attend next Tuesday and explained a little about what we do. I also suggested that he asks for me when he arrives and I'll come to collect him so we can join the group together. My thoughts are that by doing this the whole thing should be less daunting and will go some way to 'breaking the ice'. So that's all good.
So it looks as if I may be able to turn my experiences of anxiety and depression into something that may benefit others, and I feel good about that. I like spending time with people and discussing their problems. I already spend a lot of time each week with my close friend who became paralysed following a stroke. Frankly if I can do anything that makes someone feel better then that's great.

The keyboard for the laptop I've been repairing arrived today and in a couple of minutes I had it fitted and working as it should, all keys fully functional. I gave it a good clean and buff and its owner came and collected it earlier this evening. I made £10 for the job which is better than nothing and is frankly the first work I have done in over two years. It did make me feel good though. It's a good feeling. The chap collecting the computer did ask if I could put Excel on another machine he wants me to have a look at. I had to tell him provided he had a licensed copy then of course I could. I did though get the distinct impression he wanted me to provide a 'dodgy' unlicensed copy, which of course I will not do. So I think I made myself clear there... The fact that he didn't take the laptop back to be repaired under warranty spoke volumes, so we'll leave it at that.

A good day all in all. I feel purposeful and of use. It'll be nice if things can develop into something more substantial and meaningful. We'll see...

A Different Venue

There was a different venue on Tuesday for my support group meeting. It was easy to get to being in Spalding and I arrived in good time. The welcome was warm and friendly and I was glad to see other members of my group there. I didn't know what to expect really but it was nothing like what I'm used to on a Tuesday. The event was to promote a small organisation involved in trying to raise awareness and understanding of depression. It seemed to me as if they were trying to bring together other support groups and try to centralise support and care services for those who suffer with the illness. Anything that raises awareness can only be a good thing and I was encouraged to see them taking the subject so seriously. Awareness is certainly key to it, the more people who understand the illness the better. There is such a taboo surrounding depression and I don't believe it is discussed or acknowledged as much as it should be. They could have helped themselves by displaying a sign at the entrance to the venue indicating they were there, or simply placed a small advertisement in the local newspaper. There was really nothing to indicate they were there. The only way I found out about it was through my own support group. In fact we only had one other member of the public venture in to find out more. She was severely disabled and her needs were great due being physically disabled and suffering bipolar disorder. She had no idea there were support groups in the area and that there were others like her prepared to provide a friendly ear and offer help. It was good to know that she would be joining us at our next group meeting.
I don't write about depression very much, though throughout my blog, there are references to my illness and an attempt to describe how I suffer and attempt to deal with it. I am actually quite open about it. I don't mind discussing it and I'm convinced that by talking about it, we begin to better understand it. I don't think we'll ever be able to prevent it. The illness has been around for a very long time, but never understood. It is only now that depression is an illness we are beginning to understand. More people have the confidence to talk about it because others are doing just that. I know myself that having found others prepared to discuss the illness and show an understanding of it, I now have the confidence to open up to others. Without the understanding and support of others, I would still be living with it in silence. I have been told many times to simply 'snap out of it' and to 'stop feeling so miserable'. In fact it still happens. If I had any control over it, would I choose to feel the way I do? I don't think so. There is no real warning to indicate the next bout of depression. It can be triggered all too easily by things going wrong or people saying things that hurt or make me feel bad about myself. This seems to set off a chain reaction which spirals out of control. It does though make people around me feel they should constantly 'walk on egg shells' fearful of saying or doing something that might set me off. This is of course a ridiculous situation to be in and places enormous strain on relationships. I know this to be true having had my marriage stretched to near breaking point on several occasions.
There is a real desire on the part of the sufferer to do things that bring feelings of good or pleasure. More often than not, this involves eating, drinking or smoking. In my case, I know I over-eat to compensate for my mood. I have also self-medicated on codeine as it made me feel better, albeit for brief periods of time. I stupidly took as many as ten tablets a day to keep the feeling there. Without my tablets, I would panic and do anything I could to procure more. I spent hundreds of pounds a year doing just that, buying from online chemists to keep my habit as anonymous as possible. My addiction as lessened thankfully but I do take tramadol regularly for a back problem and these have a similar effect to the codeine but I can take far less amounts for a similar effect. This suits me just fine at the moment. Other than my electronic cigarette, I have no other real vices. OK I have to be constantly attached to it, but this is more down to OCD which I've been reliably informed I also suffer from.
Routine is also important. I tend to do things in a certain order and at roughly the same time each day. This helps me to stay focused and prevents me from slipping into a depressive state or simply sleeping. There is an element of OCD to it. There are things I have to do, and in the right order, or the day is ruined. I don't think this is particularly unusual, there are lots of us that operate to a daily routine, mainly for work. For me, this routine holds things together, and holding together is basically what I do day to day.