The Vicious Circle

Yesterday I attended a diabetic clinic appointment. I had been dreading it for some time having missed my previous appointment. They are getting quite heavy on diabetes now and they send out reminders straight away. If you fail to contact them to arrange an appointment, it is made for you.
I knew I hadn't been managing my diabetes very well. I find the more I think about it, the more depressed I get. For me, it's just another reminder of where I have failed. To be honest, I have been eating pretty much according to my mood. I find that eating often raises my mood, particularly if the things I eat are the things I like. Of course, these are bad for me and it has resulted in my blood sugar levels increasing.
I hadn't really noticed any ill effects apart from a couple of days where I couldn't stop drinking. Like a fool, I didn't connect this to my diabetes but it was a sign that my sugar level was too high.

I had expected a 'telling off' and I got one. I was warned of all the bad things that can happen to me and that I was heading for a stroke at a very young age. To be honest, I have mentally prepared myself against some of the worst effects of diabetes. I know it isn't going to get better and it has already caused my thyroid to stop working. Blindness is something I have thought about, as there is a risk of my eyesight being damaged as the years progress. I've tried to imagine how I would cope and provided my surroundings remained pretty much the same then I think I would just about manage, with one or two modifications here and there. I know it sounds odd, but I am quite resigned to things deteriorating.

Trying to battle diabetes whilst trying to live with anxiety and depression is not easy. I try not to think about my diabetes and whether I am managing it or not as it just adds to my anxiety. Yesterday really brought it all home to me and I was depressed for the rest of the day. I'm not much better today. All this plays into the hands of my wife who despite the fact she has lived with my bouts of anxiety and depression, still fails to understand it. It's not simply something that can be turned on or off. There is often a trigger, and my trigger was my appointment with my diabetic nurse. It's always a vicious circle.
As with all bouts of depression, this one will pass and I will be back to 'normal', or whatever normal is. I was cheered up slightly this morning seeing my mum. I hadn't seen her all week and she could immediately see that things weren't right. She made me some breakfast and I took her to Long Sutton for her regular Saturday morning shop. As a treat, she took me in 'Possessions'. It's a large second hand store full of all sorts of things gathered from house clearances mainly. I love rummaging through things and often find a bargain. My wife calls it junk and 'crap', but for me it is the ultimate shopping experience. I'm not normally allowed anywhere near shops like this which made this morning all the more mood-lifting. There's nothing like sifting through a box of oddments only to find something rare, or to flick through a stack of records to find a long lost favourite. I always find something of interest and often end up hankering for the old days, when I had money and the freedom to buy whatever I wanted. For instance on this visit there was a wonderful Sony music system with double cassette deck and built in turntable for just £30. For its age, it was in remarkable condition and I would dearly have loved to have given it a home. Also, there was a rather nice colour laser printer with its own heavy duty desk and spare toner cartridges for £48. The desk alone was worth at least £50 and had clearly come from an office somewhere. The fact that there were several spare toners in unopened boxes would have guaranteed its operation for at least a couple of years, and the printer would have provided me a nice little project to keep myself busy with. But sadly I had to leave them there, giving them a last glance as I left with my ABBA boxed set of LP's and VHS video on the subject of Lincolnshire - all for just £1!

I will shortly head over to my friends place. I was debating whether I should, given my low mood, but I've decided it's probably the tonic I need to prevent me sinking further into a full depressive low. If I sit here all afternoon, it's bound to happen as I dredge up all the bad things about my life and my past failings. That's why writing this blog helps me enormously. It helps me to get things out instead of them building up inside and making me sink. I will be able to tell my friends about my appointment yesterday. They are both diabetic and know all too well the struggle of having to live with it as well as other illnesses. I know I will get a sympathetic ear there, particularly as they have seen me at my worst and know how easy it is for the depression to set in and take over. They also know that their home is a kind of refuge and way of escape for me whenever things get too much. I know it's wrong to run away from things or situations we don't like, but it's human nature to do so and as far as I'm concerned, if it makes me feel better then it's a good thing.

Well, that's made me feel a bit better, for now at least.

Dark Mornings, Dark Evenings

Winter is well and truly on its way. The mornings are darker and the sun disappears beneath the horizon earlier by the day. There's a chill in the air. I wore my winter coat today. It made me look huge, well bigger than I already am.
It won't be long before we begin buying wood for the fire. We need to have the chimney swept first. We use a local chap, Peter Warrick who is well known in the area. He kindly attended our wedding with his son, dressed in classic Victorian chimney sweeps' attire. They looked great. I'll never forget them.

My son sang a song this evening. As he sang, it felt familiar to me and I realised it was a song I used to sing at primary school many years ago. I remembered the chorus and sang with him 'So we musn't forget, no we mustn't forget to say a great big thank you, we mustn't forget'. How marvellous that my son was able to jog my memory this way.

It was Mum's Birthday today. She is 69. We visited this afternoon after we'd collected our son from school. She had prepared a small buffet which was nice and the lounge was warm and cosy. The log burner was lit and glowed in the hearth. Mum never makes a fuss of her Birthdays but she always makes sure everyone is looked after and has plenty to eat and drink. My Nan was very much like that, always giving. We stayed for a couple of hours.

We have some new curtains. I know this isn't front page news, but it's significant as the previous set had been up for 9 years. It's strange how you get used to things and never give them a second thought. But when they are gone, you really notice it. The new curtains are very nice. My wife has impecable taste when it somes to home furnishings. They match the furniture perfectly and I actually find myself admiring them.

In the news today there is criticism of the government who have met today with energy industry leaders to discuss ways of helping consumers in the current economic climate who are struggling to afford crippling bills. Apparently they have managed to achieve absolutely nothing except to remind us (as if we're idiots) to make sure we compare prices and switch suppliers(!) Are these people really in charge of the country?
I fear for us all...

Happy Birthday Mum, love from us all xxx

Senior Moments

It's incredibly warm, warmer than it normally is for this time of year. There isn't a cloud in the sky. I haven't seen one all day. Some call is glorious. Others tell us to make the most of it. Apparently Winter will be here will a vengance and could bring ice and snow within a few weeks from now. Hard to believe when I glance outside and see the bright blue sky and the lush green grass.
I'm finding I'm getting more and more frustrated with my mum. She's in her late mid sixties and admits herself that her memory isn't as good as it was. But I do find that she is becoming increasingly out-of-touch with what's going on around her. A for instance is my son's school intake photograph in the local paper. Now I know my mum has read the paper but has managed to miss the photograph. It wasn't so long ago that she would be calling me to tell me she had seen the photo.
I had a heavy cold at the weekend and I felt really rough. Nevertheless we all popped over for the afternoon as it was my father's 72nd Birthday. We had a great time. I saw my sister and her kids and the whole thing was very pleasant. Everyone commented on how poorly I looked, but I made as much effort as I could. But by yesterday, all this had been forgotten. I coughed and was told 'you sound as if you're going down with a cold'. 'But I've had a streaming cold for a week', I replied. 'Have you?', was the response. 'I haven't noticed'. Err hello... ?
I know I shouldn't get frustrated and I know there's every chance I'll get like this at some point, but it does frustrate. And it is getting worse. I can recall vividly how my nan went down hill fast, dementia eventually taking over her mind convincing her of things that simply weren't there. People, voices and scenery all seemed so real to her that you were forced to go along with whatever scenario was being played out. It is all so sad and you feel so helpless. I keep telling myself my mum won't go the same way but the more and more I witness these 'senior moments', I can't help but worry that history will repeat itself...

Cholesterol cake

We visited my mother this afternoon. If we don't visit regularly we get the usual remarks of 'we haven't seen a soul for weeks' or ' we could have died for all anyone cares'... and so it goes on. We always try to arrive before 4pm as my father has an irritating habit of locking the doors and getting into his PJ's. It's actually quite embarrassing for us but for him it's perfectly normal and he thinks nothing of it. That's the most annoying part.  By far the worst experience we've had to endure has to be the sight of my father in just a dressing gown and trying desperately to look elsewhere as he sits across the room from us in his favorite armchair. My wife and I laugh about it now but I know when we had first met, it really was a bit much to expect her to deal with...

We normally try to visit on a Sunday but this isn't always possible so we called in this afternoon on the way back from the library. My mum has always been a pretty good cook and the old saying of 'mum's is best' can certainly be applied to anything she bakes. We're often given the odd cup cake or slab of fruit cake when we visit but today we were given an enormous brick-sized lump of cake. We were told in no uncertain terms that 'it had to be eaten today' as she had made it yesterday having expected us to visit and that 'it has fresh cream inside so won't keep'. In actual fact the cake had about an inch of cream with strawberries sandwiched between two enormous layers of sponge. All I could think about was the number of calories and amount of sugar that had been used to produce it. I'm diabetic but I'm sure my mum forgets, and my wife and I could certainly do with shedding a few pounds. 'Don't worry, we'll find a way to get rid of it', whispered my wife as we left. If we did, I would certainly feel guilt-ridden and I'd have to lie the next time I saw her when she asked how the cake was. No, we'll have to eat some of it... 

School seemed to agree with my son and my son with it. We both gave a sigh of relief when he emerged smiling from the classroom door when we collected him earlier. He's looking forward to returning tomorrow which is great! It remains to be seen how he will cope with it full-time come September...

Poorly boy

My son has developed a nasty cough - no doubt another bug he's picked up from playschool. I went up to him a few minutes ago as he was calling for us and while I was cluddling him, he threw up, and yes - I wasn't quick enough... Great. So looks like he's in with us tonight and he'll be at home with me tomorrow. We'll call for an appointment with the doc in the morning.
Poor lad - he does look pitiful. I know how he feels... I was in his position numerous times as a child - the scary thing is it really doesn't feel that long ago(!)
As an aside, my mother called me earlier this evening. BTW, my parents live just 3 miles down the road in the next village. I'll explain how this came to be sometime soon. Anyway, she called me to say that her digital TV box had 'gone bang' and now doesn't work. OK. She wanted me to drive down and re-tune her TV to analogue so she could watch her favourite TV programmes. I reminded her they have a perfectly good digi-box in the kitchen that they don't use - why not use that? Oh yes, that's a good idea...
My mum has a habit of doing things like this. She called this morning asking if I could take her to town. I had to remind her that I don't have the car. She said she would walk the 20 miles (there and back) instead as she couldn't wait until Friday - when I next have the car. What she doesn't know is that we all know she continues to smoke despite having given up 20 years ago... Quite how she thinks we don't know is startling given the fact the house is normally filled with the smell of cigarette smoke and is diluted with copious amounts of air freshner and perfume. For some reason, this serves only to intensify the smell. We all play along with it. There's a perfectly good little village store just down the road from them but as my dad goes there for the paper each morning, she fears getting found out so that's out. Oh what fun...
Right, I'd better go and see if I can squeeze into my bed. I reckon it's going to be a long night...