Perfectly put...

Says it all really... Perfectly.

Being 40 and a Successful Evening

I turned 40 last Thursday. There, I've said it. I really didn't want to make a big deal of it and thankfully the day passed with the minimum of fuss. I had been secretly dreading it - I don't know why as most of the people I work with are in their 40's and 50's, some even older. Most are in good health physically and some act as if thy were twenty or thirty years younger.
Being 40 doesn't make me feel much different to how I felt when I was 39. I still have the same aches and pains and I don't gain any sort of additional entitlement having advanced an extra year. I suppose it does give me license to grunt more and to tut at the prices of every day items and food staples. On a brief visit to my parents earlier, I heard my father bemoan the fact that the local newspaper now costs 'thirteen shillings'. This is apparently 65 pence in new money. Oh how I am beginning to sound like him, for I said a similar thing in Asda only the other day to nods of agreement from other shoppers within my new age group.
What makes me feel old is being able to remember when things were cheap and when you went home with a full shopping bag and change from a ten pound note.

Last Friday evening was our Surfing the Waves event - an evening of mental health awareness. In truth the whole thing had been organised by a colleague. We (Blue Skies) were there to promote our activities and exhibit some of our artwork. Attendance was good and the talks well received. I learnt an awful lot about Cannabis, much of it reinforcing my conviction to steer well clear of it. There are conflicting views on whether it aids or worsens mental health conditions and a lot is still unknown. Cannabis is something I have tried once before. All it did for me was to reduce me to fit of giggles which lasted for hours and left me feeling very hungry. We were treated to a talk from one of our local NHS Governors who informed us of the good work being done in Lincolnshire to streamline mental health services. Our host also gave a brief talk for which she can be justly proud. It takes a lot of courage to stand in front of a group of strangers and talk in intimate detail about your struggle with poor mental health.
It was nice to meet some new people too, particularly the SHINE ambassador who, I found out to my utter disbelief, hadn't been informed of Andrew Harrison's passing last year. I was mortified at having been the one to break the news to her and once she had calmed down and composed herself once more, managed to give a good talk about SHINE to the gathered audience.
It was a good evening for Blue Skies also, and we attracted a lot of interest from not just the visiting public but the local press also. Our art display was their main focus of attention and grabbing the largest of our paintings, the photographer insisted we have our photograph taken. I didn't have the heart or the nerve to tell him we hadn't painted it and if anything is said we will claim it is a copy! After all, it isn't signed. As soon as the photo is published, I'll insert it into this post.
Our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/blueskies.lincs has had a few more 'likes' since Friday and a couple of nice comments have appeared.
So for our first evening of mental health awareness, we can certainly claim it a success. Now we've 'done' one, perhaps we should do another later in the year?

Snowy Sunday Thoughts

There's a a lot going on at the moment. The weather has brought snow to many parts of the country and as usual, it has caused travel disruption and what can only be described as farcical scenes at London's Heathrow Airport. Should we be surprised? No, it happens every time we have snow and the slightest amounts result in cancelled flights and misery for travellers. Why do we get it so wrong every time. It is true that we are the laughing stock of other countries used to snow. Maybe it is just a British thing. We like to suffer and make things as difficult as we can. Snow is inevitable, especially in a changeable climate such as ours yet I read that we choose not to invest in snow clearing equipment as it is rare and wouldn't justify the expense. Try telling that to the passengers, many of whom have spent at least one night on the cold floor of the departures terminal.

On my mind this week have been money matters, specifically being asked for money we don't have. I know this causes my wife stress and she often spends sleepless nights worrying about how she is going to make her meagre part time wage stretch to cover our outgoings. With me, the worry is always there but it manifests itself as anxiety which will often build until an event such as a final demand letter or a threat of legal action sends me over the edge into a pit of despair. We've managed to keep the wolves from the door until now but I do feel we are headed for just such an event. In an attempt to prevent a crisis developing, our defence has been to send letters pleading our case. For the most part, this has been successful though there are cases where I am left wondering whether the letter has actually been read - as is the case with South Holland District Council. They are insisting we pay hundreds of pounds in council tax despite being told we cannot and having been sent a copy of our financial statement. They were also told of my delicate mental state which they also seem to have ignored. They will certainly be getting a very strongly worded letter.
I do try to reassure myself by realising we are not alone and that there are many thousands of families up and down the land in a similar situation. It doesn't stop me fearing every letter that comes through the door.

Therapy for me is the things that I enjoy, such as writing, listening to the radio and music - specifically finding music in the form of vinyl records in second hand shops. Saturday morning saw me again rummaging through a box of LP's in my favourite second hand store in Long Sutton. There is normally something new each week and out of five or six records, at least one will turn out to be a real gem. My gem(s) this week were a record of Henry Mancini's music which included the 'Pink Panther' and 'A Shot In The Dark' themes, and another K-Tel LP containing various well known songs.

A piece in today's Sunday Express highlighted the link between the effects of the recession and the rising suicide rate. This is something many have been aware of for some time, especially those who work in the field of mental health. It's a startling reminder of how things like financial well being and job security can push many to the brink and beyond. Those seeking re-employment having been made redundant are likely to become depressed as being constantly turned down for jobs leads them to view each day as pointless, often remaining in bed. I recognise and understand this very well. The numbers seeking psychological therapies has rocketed from 92,000 in 2009/10 to 320,000 in 2012. The figures speak volumes.
Yet there is no easy solution to any of this. The economy won't miraculously improve creating thousands of new jobs so the numbers of those suffering mental illness is likely to increase further. What makes life worse for so many of those affected is the poor care and support given to the mentally ill. The assessment process for benefits is so demeaning and flawed that many are made worse or pushed over the edge. Others simply decide not to go through it and end up in relative poverty. The system has to change.

Finally, I am utterly disgusted at hearing the new that Camelot are increasing the cost of lottery tickets. Surely this decision is simply based on greed. After all, they have failed to provide any satisfactory reason for doing this. I am sure I won't be alone in voicing my disdain at Camelot's decision and I for one will be boycotting the National Lottery in favour of the ethical alternative The Health Lottery who have also made public their views. So there.

I failed to record an audio journal this week, so I'll make sure I do an extra long one next week.
My Moodscope rating today is 61%.

Needing A Day of Nothing

I'm feeling quite washed-out at the moment. Yesterday I attended an NHS event in transforming mental health services in Lincolnshire. It was a participatory event and provided an opportunity to contribute to NHS strategy. I was really impressed with this. I hadn't realised fully up to now just how much decision making involves members of the public and service users and I really felt a part of the process. Some of the Governors were present at the event and it was great being able to put faces to the names.

Today another NHS event was held in Lincoln on Personality Disorders. Despite the venue being very cold (on account of the hall owners forgetting the event was being held thus no heating), the event was excellent and contained real life testimony from Governors and service users. A talk was given on the illness and the current strategy and practises used to treat the condition. We were told that improvements were needed and that the quality of service available to patients isn't uniform across the county, but that a new strategy is currently being developed.
These events are great for networking and I got talking to many who have had experience of the condition. I was also asked if I would consider becoming a Governor. Apparently they are after more 'young blood' to influence and contribute to NHS mental health policy. I hadn't really considered this up to now, but the prospect of being able to contribute directly to mental health service provision and help shape strategy really appeals to me. Unfortunately I can't see myself being able to do it. For a start, I am rather wrapped up in my current role with Blue Skies, and my wife won't allow it given the fact that the position of Governor is unpaid, apart from expenses of course. Unless it's a full time job, she doesn't want to know. It's a real shame as I know it is where I want to be.
Tomorrow will be a good day. I was asked by my colleague earlier what it is I'll be doing. I replied gleefully, 'nothing... absolutely nothing'. Of course I'll be doing things, but I have nothing in my calendar so for me it will be a free day, to pretty much do what I want. I know I'll probably be tinkering with our funding bid, but I really want to keep the day free from stress if at all possible. I've had two full-on days and I need a little rest.
I did receive a message of encouragement and praise today in relation to our funding bid application. I had sent it to Lincolnshire CVS (Community Volunteer Service) for them to review and comment, and I received a message praising us on the quality of our application and pledging support for our project. I felt quite uplifted by this followed by a mix of emotions when I was reminded by my wife that I couldn't consider being a Governor for the NHS - despite my passion for improving mental health services, a passion which should be clear to see by now. Nevertheless, I replied to the message with thanks inviting them to come and see us at one of our group meetings.
We have until Friday to get the application and costs completed for submission. I am planning to send it by email last thing Thursday night. We're pretty much there, but we have been very slow and dis-organised in getting our costs together and deciding exactly the things we need to buy. We are bound to forget the odd item but I am hopeful we will have some change that we will be able to use to buy extras if needed.
So, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow, a chance to remain settled and an opportunity to recharge and reflect on where I am at the moment and where I want to be in the coming days.

Andrew Harrison

A couple of hours ago, I learnt that Andrew Harrison of SHINE died Monday afternoon. Many will know him as 'Captain Rainbow' after his AOL email address.
Andrew had suffered with mental health issues for many years and used to work in the NHS until his illness forced early retirement. He decided to devote his time and energy to promoting mental health awareness and lobbied the NHS and health professionals regularly to provide funding and better care for the growing numbers of sufferers throughout Lincolnshire. Andrew did a lot of good work for a lot of people and there will be many this evening who will be shocked and distraught at his early death.
I had met Andrew a few weeks ago when I attended a course he was running at Renew+ in Lincoln with one of my colleagues. I came away in no doubt that Andrew was passionate about mental health, and though a little eccentric, he knew all there was to know on the subject. I was glad that we had had the opportunity to meet him and had begun to form connections between the SHINE Network and our group in South Holland. By working together, I was convinced we could do good things and extend the support we provide to a larger number of people.
It is so sad to think that someone who trained others to look after themselves and spot the signs of depression and mental illness, surrounded by so many supportive people, has himself decided to end his life. It is a reminder that mental illness can take the ultimate toll on anyone, even the best trained and best informed. Andrew's death is an enormous loss to the campaign for better mental health awareness and the fight against the path of destruction this government has set for the NHS and mental health services. I just hope that SHINE and the countless other organisations Andrew was involved with continue his work and maintain the fight for the growing number of people affected by mental illness.

I have sent a message of condolence on behalf of my support group, Blue Skies. Our thoughts and prayers are with Andrew's family, friends and colleagues at this tragic time.

RIP Andrew.

Involve@Lincoln have a dedicated page on Facebook where messages can be read and left;

www.facebook.com/pages/incolvelincoln

There is an Andrew Harrison Memorial site where messages of condolence can be left;
http://andrewmemorial.posterous.com/

A Fine Course & A Broken BBC

A bit to catch up on in this post. My last week has been pretty good. I attended a Mental Health First Aid training course in Louth Thursday and Friday along with one of my support group colleagues. It was my first time in Louth since accidentally visiting it a few years ago in a desperate search for petrol one night. We were staying in Mablethorpe at the time.
The course was excellent. It was delivered by two of the finest mental health experts I know - Linda O'Hara and Jean Westcott. It covered every aspect of mental health first aid - the differing types of illness, causes, symptoms and treatments. They did very well to cram everything into two days and I found the course to be the most informative I have attended to date.
The attendees were made up of professionals, sufferers and parents - a real mix. During the introductions, the group found out that I help run a support group and this attracted considerable interest. I was reminded once again of the shortage of support services throughout the county. As a result, I was approached by two of the attendees - the first were parents who's son suffers with mental health problems. He is keen to find a support group in the area. The other is a chap who has served in the RAF for more than thirty years. He suffers PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and severe mental health problems. He too is keen to attend a support group, and doesn't mind travelling. I'm sure he will fit in very well, and I am confident the group will be able to provide the support and comfort he seeks.
We learnt a great deal, including how the government spending cuts are impacting on mental health services. It was worrying to hear that the Crisis Response Teams are only able to attend situations between the hours of 9-5 Monday to Friday. Anyone having a crisis outside of these times will have to wait until the service is next available. How terrible... I can honestly see a situation soon where trained volunteers will be required to provide these much needed services, much in the same way that David Cameron wishes to have a million trained Dementia Volunteers in the next couple of years to spot the early signs of Dementia.
It is very sad that the real sufferers of the government's spending cuts are those who most need the services that are being restricted and at worst, withdrawn completely. The cumulative effect can only be to increase fear and suffering, increase the risk of self-harm amongst the vulnerable, and increase further the number of needless suicides attributed to government health and welfare policy.
I nearly forgot to mention that we also came away from the course with our very first group fundraiser. She is the mother of a son who suffers, and she told me that she had decided to redirect all her fund raising activities to supporting our group. How wonderful and how kind that someone I hadn't met before has chosen to do this.

On the subject of Blue Skies, we now have our draft constitution which I need to edit slightly. We need this in order to open a bank account next week so we can deposit our funds and provide an account for any funding bid monies to be paid into. I'm not sure yet as the the position I will occupy on the Committee. I believe we need at least five committee members and we are required to meet regularly, similar to the way in which companies and CIC's operate. I should be in a better position to know what my duties and responsibilities will be next week.
I came away from the MHFA course with a load of leaflets and booklets on a broad range of mental health subjects. The information in them is very good so I have decided to set up a small library of documents and booklets available to the group. For the time being, it will need to be a mobile library that can be carried to each session. This will compliment what I already have available on my site.

I have to mention the crisis affecting the BBC. I do so as I'm actually quite fond of it and value greatly the quality and range of programming it makes available.
What is very clear to me is that a systemic failure has led to serious errors being made. The resignation of George Entwistle has been unavoidable given the lack of basic management that led to a film being shown accusing a senior public figure of one of the worst possible crimes. This film was shortly after transmission found to be wholly inaccurate and it beggars belief that such a film could have been shown unchecked and without being passed by someone in a senior management position. If I had been DG, I would certainly have requested that anything as high profile be shown to me first together with the supporting evidence. This clearly did not happen and I suspect George Entwistle won't be the last to fore go his position.
It really is so sad to see such an esteemed organisation as the BBC left open to such criticism and distrust, especially when the mistakes appear to be so rudimentary and basic. The live radio grilling by John Humphreys played a huge part in the events that led to Entwistle's resignation last night. It made for painful listening and it was clear that the damage caused by the on air mauling had been pretty massive.
Someone needs to take a firm hold of the BBC rudder to restore public confidence and instill a renewed code of ethics and editorial control.

A Tearful Appreciation & A Commons Grilling

I have just returned from my son's school leavers & awards assembly, and very emotional it was too. What struck me straight away was how well attended it was by parents. The largest room at the school was full with the children squashed onto the floor in front of the parents.
Awards were given by the head teacher for performance and for reading skill. In addition, there was an attendance certificate which my son was chuffed to receive for zero absence. He also received a rather nice reading medal.
I've attended a couple of these events as a parent and I've been struck each time by the level of dedication shown by the teachers and how much they are affected when the time comes for their pupils to move on. I suppose it should come as no surprise really given that most of their time is spent with them, preparing them for the journey of life and finding their way in society as we know it. I am always so respectful of teaching staff. The amount of work, care and attention that goes into their work cannot be underestimated. A great many, like carers and nurses will describe their jobs as a vocation. This is easy to understand.
So there were certainly tears, from pupils, parents and teachers. But there was also a feeling of tremendous pride for all the children had achieved and an appreciation for the teachers we trust our children to.

As I type this, we are surrounded by storms locally and the power has already had a small blip so I half expect everything to go off as I continue typing. Having said that, our weather is actually set to improve and this is to be the last day of the wet spell we've endured for the last few weeks. It is actually very warm and conditions are set to improve further next week with the promise of sunshine.
The weather lately has certainly taken its toll. Numerous events have been cancelled due to water-logged fields and their have been deaths due to flooding and landslips. The latest event to be cancelled locally was the Sacrewell Farm Bus Rally, which we attend every year.

There is one week to go until the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympic Games. Despite the assurances that the country is prepared, we have discovered that huge gaps in the security contingent are having to be filled by police officers and army. Stories are also emerging regarding poor training and I read today that our failings have begun to appear in the foreign press with Germany printing a particularly damning article.
I do think there will be further problems to emerge from what is when all is said and done, an enormous event, but I really don't see anything interfering with the actual running of the games themselves. The problems I envisage will be more to do with transportation and the sheer numbers of people expected to attend.
One person wishing he was somewhere else has to be the current target of the country's anger, Nick Buckles - Chief Exec of G4S, the firm contracted to provide security for the numerous events taking place across the country in the coming weeks. It is clear that G4S have failed in their obligation to provide sufficient numbers of security staff and the publicity surrounding the fiasco will have done irreparable damage. Yesterday he faced a Commons Select Committee like a naughty child in front of a row of seething headmasters and the whole spectacle was quite agonising to watch. I see that he's been called to appear before them again in September when the games will be part of British history, so I suspect Nick Buckles will have many sleepless nights ahead of him. I have to confess that part of me does actually feel sorry for him. He has clearly bitten off more than his company can chew and in pursuit to be the best, like so many others, he's come unstuck.

We had a great visit yesterday to our group by Linda O'Hara of Healthy Hub and representing mental health services within the NHS here in Lincolnshire. I had asked her to come and see us to make her aware of the work we do here in South Holland and ways in which we could attract new members to the group and publicise what we are doing. We are the only group in this area to be providing support and Linda was keen for us to be recognised. It was also clear that funding is available for such groups and related initiatives so we will certainly be producing a bid for funds in September. We're not looking for anything as big as a minibus, more materials for drawing, painting and crafts. I would also like for the group to have access to computers so I can provide training and, using Skype, set up meetings online with other groups in the region. My suggestions were I felt very well received and I hope that we will be seen as part of the overall county provision for mental health support and awareness. So that's all good...

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday to check my progress and she was pleased (I think) to find me well and involved in helping others. I did ask about the medication I'm taking as one of the tablets I take, Mirtazapine, though it has a calming sedative effect, often knocks me out so I fall asleep during the evening. I was told sadly that this couldn't be changed for the foreseeable future, so I will have to endure it.
I was also reminded of my weight and the fact that exercise and a healthy diet would further help my condition. I do unfortunately take little advice on this subject. I know I am unhealthy and despite wishing I was more athletic, I simply cannot summon the enthusiasm or motivation. Depression does that. It's a struggle to do things sometimes and today, frankly, I consider it an achievement that I was able to run the vacuum cleaner round. This is of course where psychiatrists and doctors generally lack the understanding of what it is to actually live with the condition, and how it controls how you feel on a near daily basis. I've often mentioned about 'being in the mood' to do things, and this is exactly what it is like. If I'm not in the right mood or frame of mind, I won't do it. It's like writing my blog. If I'm not engaged then the words simply won't come out. Today just happens to be one of those days when I feel in a writing mood, and I expect it shows... I now have to think up an appropriate title - often the most difficult bit!

The Courage to Talk

How marvellous it is that mental health is in the news and receiving much needed attention. Last week we heard during a Commons debate on mental health, two MPs talk openly about their struggles with depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Kevan Jones and Charles Walker showed enormous courage by speaking candidly about their individual experiences and by doing so did tremendous good for de-stigmatising the condition. Since then, mental health has been constantly in the news. There are newspaper campaigns and a renewed focus on health spending which has highlighted a deficit in mental health spending. This is all good and can only lead to better understanding of the problems caused by mental health issues and the support needed for all those who suffer the condition, in all its varying forms.
I have enormous respect and admiration for all those who talk openly about their condition as I am convinced that mental health problems are far more common than we think. By talking about it, we can understand it and hopefully encourage others to come forward. Help is there...

It's Funny How Things Develop...

Tuesday this week saw another meeting of our anxiety and depression support group. I know when I started attending, I wasn't too sure as to whether the group would help or whether I would stick with it. In reality, I cannot now imagine leaving the group or be in a position where I am unable to help fellow sufferers or talk openly with them about the illness. Far from being just a group of like-minded people (literally), it has become a group bonded by friendship and understanding. My role in the group has developed and I now have the task of welcoming new members by contacting them before attending and introducing them to the other members. I have a new person to contact tomorrow. I'm very aware of how daunting it can be to join a new group and be introduced to people you don't know. It can be very scary and for someone who suffers with anxiety, it can seem an impossible task and one they would prefer to avoid. I understand this, I've been there.
After our group meeting, we had a volunteer meeting straight afterwards. This was run by the chap who manages volunteers in Lincolnshire and he updated us on initiatives, general news and provided information on new training courses enabling  staff, volunteers and carers to spot the early signs of suicide and prevent it from happening. We've all signed-up for the course and they'll be taking place during the coming weeks.
My own induction, I found out, will take place in September but I was given various forms to record my volunteering activity and expenses so I'll be carrying on as normal.
An idea suggested by one of my colleagues is to open a working farm to provide mini allotments and craft activities for mental health patients and the disabled. Her parents own several acres locally and they are keen to open-up their land so it may be used for a worthwhile cause. I'm very keen to get involved with this and I think this is an excellent opportunity to engage with others and to provide a focus for people who would otherwise sit at home alone or pass the time drinking. Of course, like everything, funding will be needed to get the project off the ground and it was suggested at our meeting that this may be forthcoming. There are several similar projects running in other parts of Lincolnshire under the 'Green Fingers' banner. I did suggest that I could produce a website for the project as well as growing seedlings to provide starter plants for any new budding gardeners.
I really do think this could develop into a fantastic project providing a safe environment for people to practise various skills, grow their own produce and more importantly engage with others to hopefully develop lasting friendships. I have seen first hand how friendships develop and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity of meeting some wonderful people, who I am proud to call very good friends. It is my intention to stay very close to this project and I'll write more as things get off the ground.

No news yet regarding my application recently to King's Lynn NHS. I'm a little worried that, if I am successful, whether I will have to give up my time on Tuesdays. I do believe the role to be quite flexible so I'm hopeful that I may be able to fit it in somehow. We will see.

I've been busy once more working on my website. I did take the site down as I was struggling to get the various links to work between the pages. I've now opted for a simplified design with simple links and I'm quite pleased with the design. I'm uploading the first pages as I type this so it should all be up and running some time this evening. There's much work left to do but it's a start. I will add a section in the coming days devoted to mental health, and more specifically, the services available in the South Lincolnshire area. Having spoke to many people over the last few months, it is clear to me that there is an urgent and pressing need for more mental health awareness and for people to know that help is available. For many, a sympathetic ear is all that is needed and the knowledge that is somewhere to turn to in time of need. So there is much work to do to keep me busy for the next few months, and that's good.