A Family Sized Challenge

I had a family christening to attend today, the youngest daughter of my sister-in-law. For me, it was another one of those awkward family gatherings that I used to cope so well with. Now it is just a struggle, something I never really enjoy and hours of wishing I was somewhere else. I do wonder if I manage to hide how I really feel. I've never really been any good at small talk and prefer for others to speak to me. I'm OK when that happens, but I simply don't have the courage any more to start a conversation myself. The confidence I once had has all but gone. This is how I am in 'family' situations. How different it is at my Tuesday A&D support group. I'm at ease there and I feel able to start a conversation and keep it going. I'm amongst friends there, people who were a few months ago complete strangers, but people who now know more about me than my family. I know this sounds mad, but it is true. For there is so much I am able to discuss with my friends that I wouldn't dream of mentioning in the presence of family. I know my friends feel the same way, so perhaps it is more common than I'd realised.
Alcohol does give me a degree of temporary false confidence, but it doesn't mix well with the tablets and I soon find myself becoming very drowsy and often get a headache. I do find that since my illness, I am left pretty much to myself and rarely does anyone attempt a conversation with me. I think this is a natural reaction - some people prefer to steer clear.
How relaxed I feel now I am set free and back in the safety of my own home. I can be myself here and jig my leg as much as I want without stares from those who like to judge. I can feel like this in one other place, each Tuesday amongst those who understand me and accept me. Why can't family be like this and why does it feel so foreign to be amongst them?

I have my father-in-law's notebook computer to repair. He's managed to get some kind of virus on to it. I know when he calls what to expect. It's always something to do with his computer, and my heart sinks at the prospect of having to help him. It's not so much the task, it's more the explaining why it has happened. How do I tell him he's simply downloading too much junk? How do I tell him not to click the download button on every game he comes across? It's such a dilemma and being the only 'IT guy' in the family, it's a burden I simply cannot escape.

We had a mini-tornado here last Thursday. The weather has been freaky all week and local events have been cancelled due to the heavy rain. I managed to capture the twister on my camera phone on the way back from a visit to the library. It had caused some damage which was evident from the number of roof repairs taking place the following day. It's not something you see every day...

I have a date for my NHS Volunteer Service interview - it's on the 3rd of July and being a Tuesday I'll be at the venue anyway. It's all a formality really as I've been in the role for some time, and like any similar role, a CRB check has to be completed.

Finally, it's an evening dominated by football once more and the roads around here are wonderfully quiet. Oh how I wish they could be like this all the time. Followers will know by now that I'm not exactly a fan of football, perhaps another reason why I feel so awkward around my football-loving family. I'll be checking the score of course, and if it goes Italy's way then tomorrow is sure to be a day of misery... If we do well, then we face Germany, and part of me does get ever so slightly excited by the prospect - but that's all!

Getting More Involved

We have a new member at our Tuesday Depression Support Group. Her name is Emma and she has joined as a volunteer and sufferer. It's really nice to have someone new in the group and her input will be very welcome. In addition to this, I was asked if I would volunteer to support the group and help to bring new members into the group. I had given thought to this previously but was uncertain as to whether I would be able to commit. But I've decided that this is really something I would like to do and I'm hopeful that it may in time develop into something more permanent. I do like talking with people and my own experiences of depression and anxiety should help with providing support and an understanding ear to anyone needing assistance.
As if to start me off on my new role, I was asked if I would make contact with a possible new member of the group by introducing myself and suggesting they attend next Tuesday. I didn't quite know what to expect but the chap was very friendly and dare I say it very pleased to receive my call. I suggested he attend next Tuesday and explained a little about what we do. I also suggested that he asks for me when he arrives and I'll come to collect him so we can join the group together. My thoughts are that by doing this the whole thing should be less daunting and will go some way to 'breaking the ice'. So that's all good.
So it looks as if I may be able to turn my experiences of anxiety and depression into something that may benefit others, and I feel good about that. I like spending time with people and discussing their problems. I already spend a lot of time each week with my close friend who became paralysed following a stroke. Frankly if I can do anything that makes someone feel better then that's great.

The keyboard for the laptop I've been repairing arrived today and in a couple of minutes I had it fitted and working as it should, all keys fully functional. I gave it a good clean and buff and its owner came and collected it earlier this evening. I made £10 for the job which is better than nothing and is frankly the first work I have done in over two years. It did make me feel good though. It's a good feeling. The chap collecting the computer did ask if I could put Excel on another machine he wants me to have a look at. I had to tell him provided he had a licensed copy then of course I could. I did though get the distinct impression he wanted me to provide a 'dodgy' unlicensed copy, which of course I will not do. So I think I made myself clear there... The fact that he didn't take the laptop back to be repaired under warranty spoke volumes, so we'll leave it at that.

A good day all in all. I feel purposeful and of use. It'll be nice if things can develop into something more substantial and meaningful. We'll see...