CBT No More!

I've been attending CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions for the last three months and I was due to have my 6th session of the allocated 8 during the last week. I normally receive an SMS message to remind me of my appointment time but I didn't receive one. I rely on SMS reminders all the time and find it a great way of keeping me in check with my Google Calendar.
I called this morning hoping I could find out the time of my next appointment and I was told that I had been discharged (or struck-off) as I had missed my last appointment. I did stress that I hadn't received a text message but I was told I would have to now re-apply and join the (8 month) waiting list for therapy.
I'm a little angered that their reminder service has failed, but at the same time relieved that I no longer have the stress and anxiety of making sure I've completed the homework. To be honest, I really hated it and I do not believe it has done anything to help my depression. Depression cannot be controlled by CBT as I'm convinced that it is not caused by the way I think or analyse a problem.
I'm pretty glad to be shot of it. It wasn't working and it was doing me more harm than good. That's not to say it won't work for anyone - it will benefit someone - but not me.
So thanks all at NHS Riverside, Spalding. Your CBT therapy didn't work and neither did your reminder service.

Starting to get CBT

I had my fifth CBT session on Tuesday and I was told I have just three more to go before my course of therapy comes to an end. I think I am finally beginning to understand what it's all about, but I do still doubt whether it is the answer to everything.  It doesn't tackle the route causes of my anxiety and depression. They are still there. It does make me analyse problems and when I do worry, CBT makes me try to understand why I worry and how this gets worse through not doing anything to combat it.
It's easier said than done. I still fear the post. It's irrational I know but the arrival of the post brings on palpitations and sweating. I will not open it. Certain emails also have this effect and I have to ask my wife to read them for me. Utterly ridiculous I know.
CBT isn't the answer to everything. I have learnt how to understand better why I worry and how my anxiety can spiral out of control causing a severe bout of depression if not tackled. I'm aware of this. But applying the CBT methodology to every worry and fear is not possible.
I think I'm to begin focusing on assertiveness in the next session. That will be interesting. My years in middle and senior management taught me all I needed to know. But my breakdown three years ago took a lot from me including any degree of assertiveness I once had. In my view, you can only be assertive if you feel strong, and that's something I haven't been for a very long time.

Is CBT the Answer...?

I've begun to understand what CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is all about. The penny has dropped, as it were. I had my latest session yesterday. It had been three weeks since my last one and I had hoped that my therapist would have forgotten all she had asked me to do. There is a lot of homework with CBT, you are expected to record so much about how you are feeling and what you are doing. When you suffer with anxiety and depression it is often the last thing you want to do. It is just another thing to worry about.

I do wonder if CBT can be a solution. I've been asked to record things I worry about together with my thoughts and actions to better understand why I begin to worry in the first place and to look at the actions I need to take to reduce the worry. The whole thing sort of makes sense. I can see how worrying about the same things - specifically in my case, money and diabetes - often end up in a spiral starting with worry and anxiety and ending up in a depressive low. CBT teaches you to break the cycle, but is it that easy?

If I take yesterday, I received a text from the bank, a text I had been expecting and dreading, ironically whilst I was waiting for my CBT session. The text asked me to call them and I knew it was about the payment arrangement I have for the mortgage. The arrangement has come to the end of its agreed three month period. The anxiety and worry set in immediately, and I was able to use my CBT session to focus on this.  The solution apparently is to analyse why I worry and become anxious and how these reactions will affect the outcome. It's obvious that getting worried isn't going to solve anything and avoiding things will only lead to a worst outcome. I recognise all this. But I find it impossible not to worry. I owe money to the bank, which I don't have at the moment.

I understand what CBT does. I also understand that it isn't a cure, rather it helps to explain why I react in certain ways and to therefore reduce the impact of an event or something that causes distress. I have to ask if I think it is doing me any good. Probably not. I came home from my CBT session worrying that I had to call the bank. The response by the bank to my dilemma was not as good as I had hoped for. Specifically they are prepared to extend my payment arrangement until December after which I'm required to pay the full amount of £950 a month. I've managed to buy a little more time but having to plead with them yesterday took all my strength. Did CBT help me? The answer is definitely no, as I'm now worrying about the next phone call in December.

Paralympic Welcome, Tentative York & Longing for Security

Once again, we produced an epic opening ceremony, this time for the Paralympic Games. Though not on quite the same scale as the Olympic opening ceremony, it was nonetheless fully attended and watched by millions across the country. Channel 4 have the broadcast rights to the Paralympics and though their coverage was very good, much criticism has been made of the decision to include numerous advertisement breaks during the event. Twitter was awash with comments deploring Channel 4 for the decision and I have to admit that I was one of those contributing to the protests. Being one of the largest and most significant events Channel 4 has broadcast since it launched in 1982, I would really have expected the channel to forgo the revenue from the numerous car ads in favour of showing the whole event uninterrupted.
For me, the event was very moving. The sight of hundreds of disabled athletes, proud to be representing their countries and being celebrated was magnificent. The choreography was world class and complimented with a commentary by Stephen Hawking. The athletes were proud the be there, and it showed.

Tomorrow, we had hoped to be taking our son to York for the first time. My wife and I have been to York on a couple of occasions and have enjoyed it very much. There's something about the place that you can't quite put your finger on, but I do have a particular fondness for the history, architecture and of course the wonderful Railway Museum.
I've mentioned before the prohibitive cost of rail travel and the return fare being £145 for the three of us. Now, to me this seems expensive. Perhaps I'm simply out of touch with current public transport costs. But when I compare this to the cost of travelling by car, about £35, it really does seem excessive. We are rather hoping that my in-laws will lend us the money until my expenses arrive for my NHS work. This would allow us to get there and back, and a packed lunch would negate the need to buy food. It's touch and go at the moment whether we'll go or not but if we're able to, I know my son will love it.

I've written about having to keep a diary noting activities and my anxiety and depression levels. This is for the CBT therapy I'm having in Spalding. I'm a little concerned that when I have my next session on the 18th September (when my therapist returns from her holiday to Mexico), there won't be a great deal for her to analyse. I've actually been feeling quite good for the last few weeks. I certainly haven't had any depressive episodes and my anxiety levels have been pretty much level. This may be due to the fact that I'm finding things to occupy me, or simply that there haven't been any triggers to set me off. The one constant thing on my mind is the Bank and whether they will allow us to continue contributing to the mortgage. I worry daily that there will either be a letter or phone call requesting me to contact them. If and when it comes, I will need to ask them to extend the period further. My biggest fear is that they will say no. I may be worrying for no reason as I've been told by so many people that provided we are paying something, they cannot do anything and as the house value is decreasing, they are unlikely to try to turf us out to sell on. Common sense tells me this is the likely outcome but I still worry. At least this time round I can tell them I am officially an NHS Volunteer, so I'm doing something productive. Although I'm not being paid anything - just my expenses - I am hopeful that it will develop into something permanent. Working in some kind of mental health support role within the NHS is my current aim. The question is how long we can survive for until something happens?

CBT and Me

For the past three weeks, I have been attending a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) session each Tuesday in Spalding. It's supposed to help people who suffer with anxiety and depression to control their thoughts and behaviour, the thinking being that this will in turn control periods of depression and anxiety. I decided to approach the sessions with an open mind having heard both good and bad things from others who have had the therapy.
I've had three sessions so far and I'm still not really convinced that it's helping. A lot of it is about analysing thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am required to do some homework which consists of keeping a detailed diary of my activities and how I feel at the time together with my thoughts. Any 'spikes' where my anxiety levels are high or if I have a bout of depression, these are analysed and picked apart to understand why they happened and how they can be prevented from reoccurring.
I don't really see CBT as a cure. It won't stop me from worrying or from getting depressed. It will help me to identify the cycle that leads to my anxiety and depression. I do know that CBT certainly isn't for everyone. I spend time with people for whom CBT wasn't helpful and they stopped attending after a couple of sessions. I suppose I'm rather hopeful that something will be found that leads me to understand why I suffered a breakdown and why since then I have begun to suffer with anxiety and depression.
A lot of the analysis so far points towards me feeling an acute sense of failure and guilt. I don't provide and rely on my wife for pretty much everything.This fills me with a daily sense of worthlessness and no amount of CBT is really going to reduce this. The situation is the same and there is no magic wand to make everything right again.
I can't really say if the sessions have benefited me so far. I do have a greater understanding of the 'worry cycle' and why I get anxious about the same things over and over, such as the bank and debt. I can't though ever see a situation where I could simply dismiss a problem such as that.
I have a two week break from the sessions as the therapist is on holiday in Mexico. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be in a better position to judge its benefits.

CBT and an Eastern Front

Not a bad day really. A little shopping in Wisbech and it was the first time our new little car had been used. It performed very well, very well indeed in fact.
I had my CBT assessment in Spalding at 2pm. It was just a load of questions about the problems I have and how they affect me. I scored quite high on the depression and anxiety grade and the woman who assessed me did remark that I may benefit from some different medication. She said she would make a note for my doctor.
I did have some difficulty locating the place at first. I had thought it was on the main road, but it happened to be tucked away down an alley way. I did in fact notice one of my support group members departing the place and that was how I managed to locate the entrance. Despite having the assessment today, there's a long waiting list for the CBT service and it could be many months before I am next seen. It was suggested that I try to find a book called 'CBT for Dummies' at my local library. I'll do this on my next visit.
A bit of a to do in Sutton St James today. Someone has taken a shot at a police officer and armed police have now closed the village and access to surrounding roads. It's an ongoing situation as I type this and negotiations are apparently underway to bring the situation to a peaceful end. It's really strange when you see a local village on the TV news. My sister lives in the next village at Tydd St Mary just a few miles from there.
We are once again being warned of some severe weather. It's possible we will have some heavy snow over the weekend but it's by no means certain at the moment. The weather system is coming from the East where temperatures across Russia and Eastern Europe are as low as -30 degrees C. It's looking at the moment as if this could be the worst winter in many years. We'll see...

An Icy Blast

We're being told to prepare for some nasty weather. An icy blast is on its way from the East and from about Wednesday the temperature is set to plummet. There's the real chance of some proper snow too, so it doesn't look as if winter is quite done with us yet. After all, we have had it pretty good so far with one of the warmest winters on record.
We have a new car and my mood has lifted finally. I've actually quite warmed to it. It's a Citroen Saxo, blue and really rather nice. OK it's not the sort of car I would have chosen and it does lack some features such as air conditioning and power steering. But it does have a sunroof and given its tiny engine, it really is quite sprightly. I've driven it a couple of times and it does take a little getting used to, but it's no great hardship.
We've started this week with my wife feeling very poorly. It started last night and she had a very restless sleep waking this morning with aching joints, a temperature and very little energy. As I type this she is lying on the sofa next to me in her Slanket fast asleep. She was to have helped out today at my son's school swimming trip but I had to call them earlier to tell them she was too unwell to attend. There is a nasty sickness and diarrhoea bug doing the rounds at the moment and they've had a lot of children off school because of it.
I'm really hoping I'll hear something this week regarding a couple of jobs I've applied for online. They are local and are both IT Support/Service Desk roles. It's all stuff I've done before so nothing too taxing.
I do feel a lot better than I have done the last few days. I really sank to a very low point and I know it caused my wife a lot of stress and worry. It's hard to explain why it happens and how I feel when it does. It's not something I have any control over though I'm sure people assume it's something I can turn on and off, but I can't. That's not how it works. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier on everyone if I disappear somewhere whenever a bout hits. I know I'm impossible to live with but it's important to me that someone's there for me when I eventually come out the other side. I fear that one day there won't be anyone, and that scares me a bit.
I have my first CBT session tomorrow in Spalding. I don't really know what to expect so I'll keep an open mind. On Thursday, I have an appointment with my doctor. My wife is coming with me this time.

Photo of the Day 17

This is a gift from my son for Christmas. It's a painting he created himself of Santa water-skiing. It's actually one of the most precious things I have and I will soon arrange for it to be framed properly and hung on the wall.

I'm still wrestling with the idea of contacting one of my past work colleagues and friends. I see they are now involved in running their own little business and if what I've read is to be believed, they are doing very well. I see that they run a blog and the fact that it's been updated recently tells me they are not affected by the economic downturn. Good for them! I always knew they'd end up doing well for themselves. But the dilemma is to whether or not I should make contact. Do they want to know about all my problems? Probably not. Perhaps I should just be content in the knowledge that no harm has come to them and that they're out there somewhere working hard and enjoying what they do.

I've booked myself an appointment for the 31st January for some CBT. I'm hoping it will help with my anxiety and worry issues. I'm pretty open minded to it all really and if it helps me to get where I want to be, then great. I copied this from Wikipedia to explain a little more about it;
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a psychotherapeutic approach: a talking therapy. CBT aims to solve problems concerning dysfunctional emotions, behaviours and cognitions through a goal-oriented, systematic procedure in the present. The title is used in diverse ways to designate behaviour therapy, cognitive therapy, and to refer to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioural and cognitive research.
It does go on to get rather more technical, but I won't do that here. It's all there on wonderful Wikipedia.

 

A delicious little news item today. Parents have reacted strongly to the use of a new narrator for the children's TV programme Waybuloo. Parents have flooded parenting websites and Twitter with comments criticising the move claiming their children have been left confused and bewildered.
Personally I'm convinced that anyone capable of creating such a show must be under the influence of something pretty strong. If you've ever attempted to watch it, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Cold weather is on its way again we're being told. Any excuse for a roaring log fire here!