For when that meeting simply has to go on...

I'll leave you to make up your own caption...

Thinking-Up Titles

I did think we would have to call off today's Group meeting as so few were able to attend. A combination of things were responsible for this morning's low turn-out and it was left to myself and two other group members to make the most of the time we had in the relative warmth and convenience of our venue.
Despite there being just the three of us, we did manage to while away the time talking about various issues that either troubled us, interested us or gave us cause for concern. In fact when we get going, we can often talk for hours.

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind today. The last couple of days have been quite stressful and I do feel as if things are settling down a little. There is still the complaint to deal with, currently residing with NPower but I'm hopeful we will be able to come to some kind of arrangement. Frankly, we'll have to.
I have been a little troubled by dreams. Mine are vivid and it's unusual if I don't dream each night. This is a side-effect of the Mirtazapine medication I am on and its sedative properties. The dreams are rarely joyful and positive experiences. Mostly they involve me being in some kind of office environment, often closed-in and suffocating. I am almost always in a position of varying responsibility but in almost all cases, I am responsible for something that goes wrong. This produces a strong feeling of guilt and failure that will often seep from my dream state into my conscious state and can stay with me for as much as a whole day afterwards.
I dare say those who as well as me believe in some symbolic connection between dreams and real life will agree that there is a link between the events in my sleep and failings in my past. This is pretty obvious. The clarity of the dreams and the real feelings they produce is something I find both interesting and troubling.

We are told we are heading out of the freezing weather period we have been experiencing here in the UK for the last couple of weeks. Here is the East, we are forecast to see a final parting gift tomorrow night of several inches of prolonged heavy snow which is anticipated to make Saturday morning 'challenging'. As with all forecasts, I tend now to take them with a large pinch of salt especially as we haven't seen anywhere near the amount of snow that has been forecast up to now. If it's as bad as the forecast predicts, I will post a photograph here on Saturday.

As I type this, shouts of excitement and schoolboy fun filter over my Herb Alpert and Friends LP. My son has his friend over to play and it sounds as though they are battling it out on the Wii ably refereed by my wife. I wrote of my 'wasted' trip to NHS Bracebridge Heath on Monday. It transpires that the meeting had been previously cancelled due to lack of interest but my original acknowledgement hadn't been passed-on to the organiser. The upshot is that I have received an apology and kind offer of reimbursement for my travel expense, which is nice. Despite the obvious clerical error, I do actually have tremendous respect for the people organising the meeting. The work they do and their motives for arranging the meeting in the first place are entirely Honourable. I have asked them to contact me when another meeting is arranged as they, like me, are keen that it should still go ahead. Any discussion regarding mental health services in Lincolnshire has to be a priority.

I'm quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow. I already plan to record an entry for my audio journal. I do though have a diabetic clinic appointment at 1.30 which I'm not looking forward to. My blood glucose levels are often a lot higher than they should be despite trying to maintain a low sugar diet. I think I may already know what the outcome will be.

It's strange. I find I can write about things very easily but the hardest part of maintaining a blog is thinking-up a title for each post. In fact, it often takes me longer to think up the title than it does to type the whole post entry!

My Moodscope score today is 51%

A Stressful Day, A Wasted Trip & Andrew Lyons

A stressful day. I attended a rather subdued Group meeting this morning which was thankfully made more cheerful by the arrival of Harry and Harriet, our local Pets As Therapy dogs and their handlers. There were once again relatively few attendees and I'm inclined to blame the weather for their non-appearance.
The journey to Spalding this morning was again made in freezing conditions, this time compounded by thick fog and ice. It looks as if we are in for a prolonged period of freezing temperatures though the snow does seem to have abated.

Speaking on non-appearance, I yesterday afternoon attended what I believed to be a meeting held at Lincolnshire NHS offices at Bracebridge Heath. The meeting had been scheduled for 4pm and its purpose was to informally discuss how we all felt about the future of mental health support in the wake of Andrew Harrison's tragic death. How surprised was I then to find on arrival that I was the only one attending and that the meeting had evidently been cancelled. I have sent an email to the organiser but I have yet to receive a reply.

Today had been allocated by my wife for us to contact the council regarding our council tax payments and our electricity provider Eon regarding the ridiculous amount they are changing for our lighting and heating.
I had been dreading the prospect of having to speak with them but thankfully my wife had dealt with the council before I arrived home from Group. I find more and more that my anxiety kicks in and frankly makes me feel quite ill. I much prefer to type letters. It is one of the few things I am still able to do with any level of confidence.
I finally mustered the courage and explained our situation to the chap in their call centre. To his credit, he was actually quite helpful and having explained that there was no way we could afford to pay £360 per month, he set about changing our payment arrangement. This still leaves the £800 odd debt we've somehow managed to accrue since joining them last year. This still needs to be resolved and a complaint has been raised with a dedicated team who should be contacting us in a couple of days time. Of particular concern is how our monthly energy consumption could have leaped from £126 to £196 and why they emptied our bank account at the beginning of January to pay off some of what we owed - without consulting us beforehand. This may sound minor and trivial to many but when you have very little or no income, it's pretty major.

Suicide is in the news again. The BBC have an article on their news site which highlights the increase in the number of people taking their own lives. This is tragic and sad, but not unexpected. I've written at length about how stress, depression and their causes such as debt, redundancy and the squeeze on living standards caused by Government policy is making life unbearable for many. An increasing number are being pushed to the limit, and in some cases, beyond.
In my local newspaper, the Spalding Guardian, I see that there was another successful suicide attempt in Spalding. The body of Andrew Lyons, aged just 33 was discovered next to the railway line. What drove Andrew to this act is unknown but it is a sad fact that more and more people in their 30's are choosing the ultimate way out and freedom from the pain and misery of debt and redundancy. Why? is something many will be asking. Was help available to Andrew or had he sought help? IS there anything anyone could have done to make his situation easier or provide hope, enough for him to see that there is a reason for carrying on? Perhaps we'll never know, but Andrew is a reminder to us all of how suicide is difficult to predict and to prevent in someone determined enough.
I always feel anger when something like this happens. I feel angry that no one was able to help. I feel angry that Andrew felt so desperate and alone, that his problems couldn't be resolved or worked out. If help had been provided and there was hope, what would Andrew have become and achieved in his life? Whatever pushed Andrew to the limit and beyond could have been made easier with support and help from others, particularly those who have been where Andrew had been, people who understand how it is to feel there is no way out of a situation and to make the ultimate choice. People like this are in a unique position to empathise and provide the support needed to convince someone like Andrew that there is another way out. When someone is depressed and at their wits end, it is impossible to see, but it is there, of this I am convinced. If only...
My Moodscope score today is 47%

On a high... But for how long?

We had a good meeting yesterday at the NHS T&D Centre in Sleaford. It was a good job my two colleagues and I attended or there would have been just one other there. I had expected a conference room full of volunteer staff, instead we had a small meeting room and board table. It would have made more sense I think to have had one big meeting with volunteer staff from all parts of Lincolnshire, but being such a vast county there would have been many for whom the trek there would have been too much.
We did manage to come away with some new information and also had the opportunity to spend some time discussing our Mental Health Prevention Fund bid and apportion parts of the bid application to each of us to complete.
It was also useful to find out that we are able to use the venue for any group committee meetings we hold in the future. Apparently we need to meet monthly, particularly if we go for charity status, which is becoming more likely given the fact we will be requesting more than £1k.
It was actually very enjoyable, not just the meeting, but the opportunity for the three of us to go somewhere different and spend some time together. It was clear to me that over the last few months, we had all developed a bond of friendship with each other which I feel will be strong and lasting. This makes me feel good.
My mood had lifted slightly, well I felt it had. My Moodscope rating yesterday was 10% again, but I'm not sure if it accurately reflected my mental state. I certainly felt more active and interested in what was going on around me and the deep depression of the last few days had definitely lifted.
Today I actually felt almost free from depression, though my Moodscope rating this morning was actually just 9% - one of my lowest scores so far. So although the symptoms of despair were there, they hadn't manifested themselves into a low mood. Interesting...
At today's Support Group, we had a guest speaker - a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who came to tell us a little about his job and give a Q&A session. It was all very interesting and I was curious to know how he had got into the role and what had led him there.
We also had a new (male) member join us today and he was well received by all. I'm hopeful he will come again as I very much enjoyed his input and I'm sure he can benefit from the Group. We do still need to increase our numbers and it would be nice if we could attract more men though it is acknowledged that men are the least likely to seek help and therapy in the form that we provide.
I need to work some more on the Blue Skies leaflet tomorrow with a view to completing it. I need to take the final proof with me on Thursday. Hopefully we'll soon be able to get them printed. I'll also finish off the poster so we can get it put up in waiting rooms and medical centres.
I certainly feel on a high at the moment and such a contrast to the last week. I'm interested in doing things and I have been busy typing letters, something I very much enjoy, mainly to banks. I just hope this surge of energy and high spirits lasts, but knowing my condition, I'll soon be back in my pit of despair. That's what makes me think I'm bi-polar and why others think I am too.

A Misleading Provider, Olympic Predictions & A Fond Farewell

A pretty stressful week so far which has been dominated by a red reminder from our new electricity provider for the princely sum of £900. This was actually the first notification of any kind that we owed the money and following a call to them querying the amount where I was asked to provide a meter reading, we then received a revised bill for the ludicrous figure of £1,047!
I probably covered this some time ago, but we decided to switch to NPower due to EOn's inability to distinguish me at my address from my father at a completely different address. This persisted for some time and they managed to confuse the two accounts causing enormous stress. They weren't at all interested in retaining us as a customer so we jumped ship to NPower having been promised by them that they would provide a better service with lower monthly bills. How wrong we were, and instead of realistic charges, we were charged double. What's more, they didn't choose to inform us of these charges until now.
So following another stressful phone call yesterday by me (as the account is in my name), it has been agreed that we get moved to a lower tariff and the debt be added to the monthly payment in manageable amounts. Why they didn't put us onto a lower tariff right at the start I do not know. One thing's for sure though, they will be getting a letter of complaint next week, and if we aren't compensated I'll event be writing to the Ombudsman as this has to be tantamount to mis-selling. NPower... not a good advertisement for you, is it?

As we edge closer to the biggest event this country will ever hold, there are mounting concerns over security provision, traffic and transport concerns and the placing of missile systems in residential areas of London. I find it very had to accept any notion or guarantee that the event will pass without incident. I doubt very much whether anyone will attempt to disrupt the games purposely - I suspect our defences will be one of the few things we would have got right. Instead, I suspect that the event will fall foul to at least one of the following (assuming the weather doesn't ruin the whole thing)...

• Traffic congestion  & gridlocked roads.
• Overloaded public transport system and overcrowded stations.
• Failure of mobile phone networks due to overloading.
• Overloading of Internet services.
• Overcrowding and delays at airports.
• Flooding of road and rail routes affecting transit.

I don't wish to be pessimistic, but I really believe that the impact on our already stretched infrastructure have been hugely underestimated. I wonder how many of these I will be ticking?

Yesterday we held our first A&D Support Group meeting at our new venue, the IVO Centre in Spalding. I hadn't been there before and did have trouble locating it at first (due mainly to an upside-down map), but I was very impressed when I finally arrived. The facilities are excellent and we were able to spent the duration of our time there in the garden, a bonus considering the diabolical weather we have been suffering.
I have a feeling over time that our regular venue at the hospital will fall out of favour and that the preference will be to meet at our new venue. There was certainly a general view that we could all 'be ourselves' and not feel slightly intimidated and restrained by our use of NHS premises. In summary, it went well, very well and the atmosphere was a complete contrast to what we have been used to. The group was relaxed, at ease and unencumbered by their surroundings. I look forward to our future meetings there.

It's difficult to believe that the school Summer holiday period is to begin in a week's time. All over the country arrangements are being made for the six week period and many will be taking time off from work for breaks by the sea or at activity or caravan parks. A very lucky few will be off to foreign shores escaping our wet British Summer and the Olympics.

Many parents of school-age children received letters from Lincolnshire NHS this week explaining where their children sit on the Body Mass Index Scale designed to separate the fit from the Obese. We received one of these letters for our son. He scored 99 which places him at the 'Clinically Obese' level. There is nothing of him. OK, he has a little puppy fat, but that's all. He eats a balanced diet and he is healthy. I really don't think letters like this serve any real use other than to turn people against the government led 'nanny state' that is pervading more and more of our lives. Obesity needs to be tacked at source, namely the food industry. Allowing McDonald's and Coke to be major sponsors of the Olympic Games says everything about our government's commitment to tackling obesity.

Finally, it was so sad to hear that Eric Sykes had passed away this week. I'll always remember with fondness his gentle humour and unique talents, much of which is recorded for future generations to appreciate and enjoy as much as I have. Rest In Peace.

A Meeting of Dear Friends

A change of location this week for my support group. Instead of our normal, formal setting in Spalding, we all met at the home of one of our group leaders. We had all been determined the week before for the meeting to go ahead despite the extended Bank Holiday here in the UK.
Our discussions were far more relaxed than normal, seated on the most comfortable of leather sofas and though we would have disbanded after a couple of hours at 12pm, many of us stayed long after, myself until well after 2pm.
This was a special meeting. I think there was an understanding amongst all of us that there is now a strong bond of friendship that holds us together. There is also a bond of trust which has given the newer members of the group the confidence and strength to open-up and I feel I know them and can support them all the better for it.
I'm hoping that over the coming months, we can arrange some walks together and perhaps a visit to Hunstanton. I get the impression sometimes that the gap between our meets is too great so by arranging some social events, this should help.

The Jubilee celebrations are now over. Some would perhaps say 'thank goodness'. Others would be content for the celebrations to be without end. For me, I am somewhat relieved that a sense of reality has been restored. Yes, the events were in their way spectacular and I agree the anniversary had to be marked. But I would be quite happy never to see another boat ever again, and as for locally held celebrations, well they really were quite pitiful.

As I type this, the storm clouds are gathering overhead and the next few days are predicted to be very stormy and very wet. A thunderstorm has darkened the sky and the wind is now gusting.
The weather is a mirror of my health. My throat feels as if it has a razor in it and my joints ache constantly. It is only my determination to complete this post that has kept me from curling up on the sofa. If it doesn't clear by Friday I will visit my GP. A flash of lightning... 'sniff'. I'm heading for my sofa.

A Different Venue

There was a different venue on Tuesday for my support group meeting. It was easy to get to being in Spalding and I arrived in good time. The welcome was warm and friendly and I was glad to see other members of my group there. I didn't know what to expect really but it was nothing like what I'm used to on a Tuesday. The event was to promote a small organisation involved in trying to raise awareness and understanding of depression. It seemed to me as if they were trying to bring together other support groups and try to centralise support and care services for those who suffer with the illness. Anything that raises awareness can only be a good thing and I was encouraged to see them taking the subject so seriously. Awareness is certainly key to it, the more people who understand the illness the better. There is such a taboo surrounding depression and I don't believe it is discussed or acknowledged as much as it should be. They could have helped themselves by displaying a sign at the entrance to the venue indicating they were there, or simply placed a small advertisement in the local newspaper. There was really nothing to indicate they were there. The only way I found out about it was through my own support group. In fact we only had one other member of the public venture in to find out more. She was severely disabled and her needs were great due being physically disabled and suffering bipolar disorder. She had no idea there were support groups in the area and that there were others like her prepared to provide a friendly ear and offer help. It was good to know that she would be joining us at our next group meeting.
I don't write about depression very much, though throughout my blog, there are references to my illness and an attempt to describe how I suffer and attempt to deal with it. I am actually quite open about it. I don't mind discussing it and I'm convinced that by talking about it, we begin to better understand it. I don't think we'll ever be able to prevent it. The illness has been around for a very long time, but never understood. It is only now that depression is an illness we are beginning to understand. More people have the confidence to talk about it because others are doing just that. I know myself that having found others prepared to discuss the illness and show an understanding of it, I now have the confidence to open up to others. Without the understanding and support of others, I would still be living with it in silence. I have been told many times to simply 'snap out of it' and to 'stop feeling so miserable'. In fact it still happens. If I had any control over it, would I choose to feel the way I do? I don't think so. There is no real warning to indicate the next bout of depression. It can be triggered all too easily by things going wrong or people saying things that hurt or make me feel bad about myself. This seems to set off a chain reaction which spirals out of control. It does though make people around me feel they should constantly 'walk on egg shells' fearful of saying or doing something that might set me off. This is of course a ridiculous situation to be in and places enormous strain on relationships. I know this to be true having had my marriage stretched to near breaking point on several occasions.
There is a real desire on the part of the sufferer to do things that bring feelings of good or pleasure. More often than not, this involves eating, drinking or smoking. In my case, I know I over-eat to compensate for my mood. I have also self-medicated on codeine as it made me feel better, albeit for brief periods of time. I stupidly took as many as ten tablets a day to keep the feeling there. Without my tablets, I would panic and do anything I could to procure more. I spent hundreds of pounds a year doing just that, buying from online chemists to keep my habit as anonymous as possible. My addiction as lessened thankfully but I do take tramadol regularly for a back problem and these have a similar effect to the codeine but I can take far less amounts for a similar effect. This suits me just fine at the moment. Other than my electronic cigarette, I have no other real vices. OK I have to be constantly attached to it, but this is more down to OCD which I've been reliably informed I also suffer from.
Routine is also important. I tend to do things in a certain order and at roughly the same time each day. This helps me to stay focused and prevents me from slipping into a depressive state or simply sleeping. There is an element of OCD to it. There are things I have to do, and in the right order, or the day is ruined. I don't think this is particularly unusual, there are lots of us that operate to a daily routine, mainly for work. For me, this routine holds things together, and holding together is basically what I do day to day.

A Meeting of The Like-Minded

I attended my first meeting this morning at 'Depressives Anonymous', a support group for sufferers of depression and anxiety. I was a little aprehensive at first but it was recommended that I attend, so I did. There were a lot fewer there than I'd expected. Half the group were made up of volunteers, who themselves suffer or had at some time suffered from depression.
It really was a classic support group setting and reminds me a little of the group featured in the BBC comedy 'Dear John'. If the aim of the group was to put everyone in a good mood, it sadly failed. Some of the talk was quite disturbing and one very troubled member of the group spoke of how his father had abused his sister. My problems paled into insignificance. These people had real problems and real reasons for their depression. I had just had a breakdown brought on by stress and my inability to continue doing my job.
There was something said that really put into prespective the suffering this guy had to endure. That was his wish to spend his life in prison. In his view, he would be secure there and would not have to worry about having to do the things we all have to do as members of society. He really wanted to be put away. He would be protected from himself. How awful it was to hear this. I felt almost as if I didn't belong in the group. It's voluntary that I attend, and I probably will again. It's good to talk and it's even better to talk with people who really understand. These people have all been through a similar experience. Some are free of it, others suffer in waves, just like me.
Lately, depression has been in the news. Gary Speed, the Welsh Football Captain took his own life in an apparent suicide at his home on 27th November. It's not known why he committed suicide or whether he had suffered from depression and his death remains a mystery. But it is widely speculated that depression was the cause and we discussed this in our group. We all agreed that depression is an illness suffered by countless numbers of people who either choose to live with it or for whom the condition is undiagnosed. I know myself that I suffered with depression for many years prior to my diagnosis a couple of years ago. Even now, despite powerful medication, I still suffer bouts of 'black cloud' syndrome. They come and go without warning and in no set pattern. The medication I think reduces their duration and their overall effect, but does have the side-effect of making me very tired - almost constantly so. But sleep is when I feel safest, the most relaxed and the most secure. It's a common theme amongst 'people like this'.
Apparently depression is now 'socially acceptable' and no longer frowned upon. But I still feel very awkward talking about it or admitting that I suffer from it. It's a very private illness and at the same time a very selfish illness by the fact it's so destructive, affecting all those around the sufferer. The fact is that everyone suffers.
So will I attend the next meeting? I expect so. If people have gone to the effort to arrange a support group then it is right to attend and offer my perspective. I hope to learn more about the illness. I've learnt so far that there are different levels of suffering. I've seen how extreme this can be and the pain it causes. I've learnt that I'm not alone and that there are people who genuinely care, people I have never met before who are interested in what I have to say. This is good, for the thing people often seek is a sympathetic ear.