The first weekend of the Winter

Winter is here and I've decided I want to get my son a typewriter for Christmas. This may sound odd, but I had a typewriter at a very young age and it was by using it that I learnt how to spell. I don't wish for him to have anything too big or complicated, just a simple portable model that he can learn on. I recall I used to copy large sections from books and as I came across a word I didn't know the meaning of, I would look it up. It was by using a typewriter that I learnt how to type letters and how to arrange them so they looked professional.
I don't want to force my son down this route. He has expressed an interest in having one and learning to use one and maybe he will become as enthusiastic as I did when I was his age. It would be nice if perhaps from this he began to be interested in words and their meanings. It's worth a try. After all, a typewriter isn't expensive - there are literally hundreds of them on eBay for as little as £10 or £20.

Friday last week and I was training again, this time in Lincoln at Involve in Mint Lane. I was with one of my group colleagues who drove us there for a 9.30 start. Although the course was on the subject of mental health, it was difficult (and still is) to understand exactly what the course is about. So far, we have looked at ways in which we can support ourselves personally if we are affected with Anxiety or Depression related mental illness. There are only two others attending the course so it's a jolly good job we turned up! The second part of the course is this coming Friday. So far the course has been unique.
We were invited to join the Renew Group who hold their gatherings at Involve - so we both joined which means we are now able to make use of their facilities as and when we wish. Being a similar type of support group ourselves, it was useful to become affiliated with them and I'm sure good things will come from it.

Earlier today I discovered a rather nice photograph in my parent's kitchen. It had appeared over the last week and it is one I hadn't seen before. It shows my mother, father, my nan and granddad and their daughter in law at Hastings on the East Sussex Coast. It was clearly taken sometime in the 1960's at a spot I'm quite familiar with. The quality of the photograph is excellent so I took a copy straight away.

The hairstyles are quite wonderful and clearly of a different era!

In the news, the Jimmy Savile scandal continues to steal the headlines and this morning, Paul Gadd (aka Gary Glitter) was arrested as part of the police investigation into abuse allegations. I'm pretty sure he won't be the last and it is probably of little surprise that he's been the first.
In the US, the presidential election approaches and with it a huge storm which is bearing down on the East Coast. There is a possibility that Hurricane Sandy will hit New York in the next few days and preparations are being made for the worst should it come.

It is half term and my son has a whole week off school. He had his Harvest Festival on Thursday at our church in Dawsmere. It was very well attended and like last year, we were entertained with a selection of readings and songs performed by the children. This year, the harvest gifts were presented to Agape Food Bank Spalding, a clear indication of the struggle facing many families in the current economic climate.

My mental health has been steady for a couple of weeks now. Today I scored on Moodscope 62% which is my highest recorded so far. The graph clearly shows a steady increase in my mood but it's difficult to know what has caused it. I suspect that my being discharged from CBT has something to do with lowering my anxiety levels. I used to worry constantly about the next session and it really wasn't doing me any good. I'm careful not to over analyse things as this can cause a shift in mood. I'm just making the most of it while it lasts.

Finally, the clocks changed last night and we are now in Greenwich Mean Time. Everything feels a little odd. I've just glanced at my office clock and it says 5.45. Outside, it is getting quite dark but I've realised I haven't put my clock back an hour! Arrrrggghhh!!! Why can't they leave them alone?!

I would like...

A Google Chromebook please...

This time of year...

I have for a long time believed that the weather has a direct effect on a person's mental health. Having said that, I've always doubted to what extent I am affected by it.
This week, the weather has been pretty awful. It has been damp, grey and misty. The roads, especially around here, are covered in mud making any attempt to maintain a clean car utterly futile. Anyone suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) will be finding it particularly difficult. I know people who live in dread of the Winter months. Light boxes go some way to lessen the effects and many insist on keeping lights on day and night. It's how they cope.
For me, the current weather conditions do certainly impact on my mood, though I couldn't say by how much. There is an enormous difference between feeling simply down and missing the sun to feeling the effects of clinical depression and the crippling despair that this brings. There is seldom ever a unique trigger that sets off a bout of depression. I suspect it is normally a combination of things that contribute to creating a chemical imbalance. Once started, the effects of the imbalance are impossible to reverse - one just has to ride it out and hope it doesn't last too long.
People I know suffer this condition. I see when they are on a high and I see them when they are at their lowest. There is nothing I can do to lessen the effects or make them feel better. I can only empathise with them. I understand what they are going through.
There are others I know who find the change from long warm Summer days to shorter colder Winter days difficult to cope with. Often sports and other recreational activities with friends are curtailed until the following season and hours normally occupied in such pursuits are instead spent alone. It is very easy to become low and despondent. Add to this Seasonal Affective Disorder and this can be a tough time for many.

A Day of change & a damned culture

It feels like a day of change today. This morning we welcomed two new members to our support group. Both are unique and bring their own problems and experiences. I am reminded of just how diverse society is.  It is very easy to get used to people, those you see regularly and interact with. New people bring fresh insight and dynamics, and it is interesting to see the new connections being made between the new and old members of the group. Change can be good, but it can feel odd.

Weather today has been pretty miserable. It's still very misty, but quite mild. My drive to Spalding this morning was peppered with countless mindless idiots who don't understand when they should use the bright shiny lights on the front of their cars. Another (blue Vauxhall Cavalier driver) even thought it would be great to overtake anything in front of him, at speed and without indication. In a changing world, one thing seems to remain constant - the driving skills and behaviour of South Holland road users. Rant over.

I see that Ceefax will be switched off tonight at 11.30pm when Northern Ireland's remaining analogue TV signal is powered down for good. It's amazing to read that Ceefax has been around for 38 years and how at its peak in the 1990's, 20 million viewers regularly used the service, relying on it for their news headlines, weather forecasts and and sports results - all in a simple though blocky format.

The Jimmy Savile scandal is still very much in the news and continues to dominate the headlines. George Entwistle appeared before MP's earlier today to explain why the Newsnight report into the original allegations had been dropped. I like many do find his explanation a little difficult to understand and I question why he was not in the least bit curious as to why the report had been cancelled. I find it very hard to believe that a person in his position would not want to know why, or enquire at the very least into what the report was about.
I do feel that although obviously the person at the centre of the allegations and investigations is Jimmy Savile, what we are also investigating and to some extent blaming, is an entire era and its culture. It seems to me that it is not just the actions of an individual, but a culture that allowed for such actions to take place and go unreported for so long. I cannot believe that no one else knew. One only has to watch an edition of 'Top of the Pops' from the 1970's to see young girls literally falling all over the presenters. Other programmes of the era record over-familiarity between presenters and audience members. There is a stark physical element to many - arms around shoulders and waists, embraces and touching - that today simply would not happen. It would be judged as assault, pure and simple. The culture then was totally different to the culture of today, and it is the culture then that played an important part in allowing the abuse to take place. We judge that period by the standards of today. Yes it was wrong, very wrong but the culture and the society of the 1970's allowed it and expected to see it - a few hours of TV from the period is evidence enough.

My Moodscope rating is 33% today, pretty good.

Non-event Monday

It's one of those Monday's when I just can't get motivated. I'm active - I've done the washing-up, cooked breakfast and vacuum cleaned all over. I feel as if I should be doing things and I'm sure there are things waiting to be done, but I just can't get started.
My wife is at home for another week recovering from what is probably a kidney infection. She's on a cocktail of pain killers which are making her very tired. It's a bot odd having her about at the moment, and I must remember not to burst into song, forgetting she is in the other room.
Weather is horrible. It is grey, misty and damp - typical 'leading up to Winter' weather.
I could be doing some work on our group funding bid. I have about a third of the application form to complete, but I really don't feel in the mood. I have to be in the right frame of mind to do things, as I've mentioned before.
I do need to reply to a Psychology student who wishes to gain some experience by joining our support group as a volunteer. I will ask her to come along Tuesday 30th. Perhaps she could do a little talk about her studies  and what has made her interested in mental health.
Yesterday wasn't too bad. If I go down, it's normally on a Sunday. I managed to busy myself fixing a friend's WIFI. She lives in Spalding so it wasn't too far to go. It didn't take me long to get things up and running for her and we sat and talked for a while, which was nice.
In the news, the Jimmy Savile 'scandal' seems to have felled its first TV executive. Peter Rippon has stepped aside whilst the BBC investigation continues. Peter is editor of Newsnight and was responsible for dropping the Jimmy Savile story when its own investigation revealed allegations into his conduct. I doubt very much if Peter will be the last and more revelations are expected following a special Panorama programme tonight on BBC1.
My Moodscope rating is 26% today, not bad at all and a true reflection I think.

50 Years

It was my parent's 50th Wedding Anniversary yesterday. I think about what life could have been like 50 years ago. There is much to remind us, most of which can now be found online in various media. It was clearly very different to today. On this day in 1962, the world stood on the brink of nuclear war. The Cuban Missile crisis was being fought out between Kruschev and Kennedy and many must have wondered if they would live to see the next day. I have broached this subject with my parents with a view to discovering how they felt at this time and whether the crisis permeated into normal everyday life. Their recollections seem pretty vague and I wonder if there was much concern at the time amongst the general public. Perhaps it wasn't reported fully until the crisis had passed? We know that news of world events took time to reach the TV and press. There was no instant live news reporting as we know it now. Perhaps the general public were really oblivious to what was going on and just how perilous things were?
I do begin to wonder if the reason my parents were married during one of the most traumatic weeks in our modern history could be down to the fact that people really didn't know what would happen so rushed to have their weddings as soon as they could. I wonder if statistics would bare this out, an increase in ceremonies taking place during this week in 1962?
This period in history really does fascinate me. The fact that two men were deciding the futures of countless millions of people. Was there still a 'stiff upper lip' war years spirit that prevented the panic we would see today should a similar situation occur? As there were many who had lived through WWII, was there a false sense of security that we would somehow 'win' and come out unscathed? Only this would be much much different.
Unlike today, very little was known about how the country would defend itself and I suspect the public were kept in the dark about the workings of the government and the military. They had heard that Britain 'had the bomb' and knew that it was being tested in remote parts of the world, but that was probably the limit of their knowledge. Most remained ignorant to its destructive force and effects.
Just what was society like then and did people really know how high the stakes really were? Would society react in the same way today? Somehow I very much doubt it...

The Two Fingered WIFI salute

I was very amused to read on BBC News Online this afternoon an article about 'aggressive passive WIFI naming'. It turns out people have been naming their WIFI networks to give messages to neighbours and others who stumble across them. Some of the names include 'keep_your_cats_off_my_lawn' and 'stop_moving_furniture_at_night'. Others have referred to neighbours noisy sex sessions.
In addition to thinly veiled rants, some names warn would be WIFI hijackers to steer clear and not to even attempt connecting.
How wonderful it is to read of a very clever modern day equivalent of sticking a sign up outside your house to dissuade any unruly neighbour or would be thief. I do like this :-)

(Moodscope rating today is 24%... getting better)

Happy Days

Oh Happy Days...

Playground Butterfly

Something different. Collecting my Son from school this afternoon, I almost trod on a rather nice looking butterfly having a rest on the playground in the brief sunshine. Just managed to get a snap before it flew off...

Praise for the 111 Service

At 1am last night, I found myself dialling 111 for my wife who had taken ill with severe abdominal pains. Ironically, I had earlier watched Channel 4's '999 - What's Your Emergency'. I was immediately put in touch with a trained and professional operative who talked me through basic checks. They dispatched a Paramedic who arrived in a few minutes preceded by a First Response unit from our local town of Long Sutton. The response was nothing short of instant and the care we received was simply first class.
It was decided that my wife should attend hospital and an ambulance was requested by the Paramedic, but she was told there would have been a wait for one to become available. Instead of waiting, the Paramedic drove my wife to QE II Hospital, King's Lynn where she was treated.
Although the exact cause for the pain hasn't been established, my wife does have pain reducing medication and antibiotics. These are helping though we will need reassess her condition at the weekend.
We live in what I would consider to be a fairly remote location on the edge of the Wash. Despite this, we were attended to within minutes by well-equipped and highly professional personnel.
A huge thanks to the emergency response teams of Long Sutton and Moulton Chapel! I appreciate it.

CBT No More!

I've been attending CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions for the last three months and I was due to have my 6th session of the allocated 8 during the last week. I normally receive an SMS message to remind me of my appointment time but I didn't receive one. I rely on SMS reminders all the time and find it a great way of keeping me in check with my Google Calendar.
I called this morning hoping I could find out the time of my next appointment and I was told that I had been discharged (or struck-off) as I had missed my last appointment. I did stress that I hadn't received a text message but I was told I would have to now re-apply and join the (8 month) waiting list for therapy.
I'm a little angered that their reminder service has failed, but at the same time relieved that I no longer have the stress and anxiety of making sure I've completed the homework. To be honest, I really hated it and I do not believe it has done anything to help my depression. Depression cannot be controlled by CBT as I'm convinced that it is not caused by the way I think or analyse a problem.
I'm pretty glad to be shot of it. It wasn't working and it was doing me more harm than good. That's not to say it won't work for anyone - it will benefit someone - but not me.
So thanks all at NHS Riverside, Spalding. Your CBT therapy didn't work and neither did your reminder service.

An Amazing Feat

Like many, I watched yesterday dumbstruck and in awe as Felix Baumgartner literally sat on the edge of space and prepared to free fall back to earth 28 miles below. The experience of watching this man prepare for one of the most daring feats in modern times must have been similar to the experiences of countless millions all those years ago when man first set foot on the Moon.

Modern technology allowed us all to literally see what Felix was seeing including the stunning views of Earth way below and the free fall through the stratosphere at incredible speeds.
I understand that much has been learnt from this and science has benefited by better understanding the effects on the human body and the possibility of escape from the International Space Station or future shuttle craft. This is of course a good thing and proves that it is possible, given the right equipment, to survive a fall back to Earth. Certainly worthy of an entry in the record books and our annuls of history.

A Bit of Jiggery Pokery (with photos)

This is a bit nerdy but may appeal to some. I have for the last few years been using electronic cigarettes as a healthy alternative to satisfying my nicotine addiction. For me, they work very well and I regard them as one of the greatest inventions of our time. I'm quite a heavy user and I am practically attached to my e-cig at all times. Indeed I panic if my e-cig is out of sight, or worse, I lose it.
The parts to an e-cig are quite simple. The main components are the battery and the atomiser. The battery heats the atomiser which in turn causes the liquid nicotine to form a vapour. This looks very similar to smoke, but it is simply steam. This is inhaled in the same way a smoker would and the effect is very similar. The e-cig can be filled with liquid nicotine, enough for many hours and the battery typically lasts 2-3 hours of constant use.
Being a heavy computer user, I normally vape as I type. The batteries will eventually run flat and so require recharging. I normally try to keep one recharging at all times. As an alternative to batteries, I have been using a USB powered device that allows the e-cig to run off the 5v USB power supply. This does require being connected to the computer or laptop, but does enable me to vape without affecting battery usage. It's actually a very good idea. A 3.7v battery inside the device gets charged between vapes and provides 'backup' should I move from the computer.

I have found that the power being supplied to the e-cig has become less and less over time, and the battery has failed to hold a full charge, running down very quickly. I decided to open up the device to find out how it all worked. The e-cig part itself was very difficult to disassemble being of a solid moulded design. I decided therefore to get rid of this and detached it from the device. I noticed that the battery box could be opened. This contained a small amount of circuitry which controls the recharging and power supply from the USB input to the e-cig. I could see that it could be possible to jumper the circuitry and in effect bypass it allowing the full 5v supply to be fed directly to the e-cig's atomiser. Using a multimeter I tested this theory and it showed to be the case. So I set about bypassing the circuitry with two short lengths of wire, soldered to the positive and negative in and out terminals. It's all a bit Heath Robinson, but it does work very well indeed.

I do need to tidy up the device to make it more consumer friendly and I also want to add an on/off switch mid way along the wire to the e-cig. At the moment, I have to operate it by pushing the positive wire into the base of the atomiser, the negative wire being soldered in place. It's a bit fiddly, but it does work providing a strong satisfying vape every time. My only concern is that the slightly higher unregulated voltage will reduce the life of the atomiser, but time will tell.

A Few Words on Jimmy Saville

I, like so many, have been shocked and saddened to hear the mounting evidence against Jimmy Saville with regards to abuse allegations stretching back many years. For me, I am filled with a sense of utter shock, dismay and a level of regret - that I had for so long regarded him a part of my childhood in the form of his TV shows during the 70's and 80's.
It is clear that the investigations into his conduct are discovering that the 70's and 80's were a different age and that acts such as those that have been reported were perhaps more common and widespread than we had imagined. The culture was different to today and I fear that there will be those apart from Jimmy Saville who will be worried for the outcome of the inquiries now taking place by both the police and the BBC.
It is such a shame that someone who had done so much good and held in such high esteem is now derided and viewed with such revulsion and anger.
So many questions need to be asked. Among them are why didn't anyone come forward earlier and why didn't the people who claim they knew report their concerns at the time?
There are many who should feel responsible for not doing the right thing and for allowing his conduct to continue in the way that it did. Either people were truly blind to what was going on, or they simply chose not to do anything about it. My personal feeling is that many people did know what was going on and are as guilty in not doing anything to prevent it. I am sure there will be many now who feel profound guilt for what went on, and one can only hope that the investigation will out all those who conspired to let it happen.

Art & Appreciation

A good day. Arts & crafts was the theme at our Support Group earlier today. We all tried our hand at painting in acrylics, the second time we've created some art. I'm pretty sure we get better each time we do it and we were fortunate to have with us my dear friend Janet who assisted with her professional skills and tips.
I've put our latest creations online in the Arts & Crafts section of my website.
We're going to see the people at ArtLinc a week this Friday with a view to bringing the initiative to South Holland. I'm hopeful they may be able to assist with funding and exhibiting.

My mood today has been pretty good. My leaflet for the Group was very well received and I received considerable praise for my efforts. It's great to feel valued once more and praise of any kind does wonders for the spirit, especially mine.
The next step is to get the leaflet (and poster) over to our Volunteer Services Manager for him to approve and arrange to get printed for us.
My Moodscope rating today is 15%, an increase on yesterday and a fair reflection of how I'm feeling today. If I can keep it going through tomorrow then I'll be very pleased with myself. The weather often has an effect on my mood and I'm concerned that is is very grey and dull at the moment. It's the sort of grey blanket I've written about before. I'll continue to make the most of my good mood while it lasts!

A Rare Creative Burst...

I have been in a creative mood today and this afternoon I used this brief improvement in mood to finish off the leaflet and poster I have been designing for my Blue Skies Support Group. I've been fiddling about with the leaflet for some time, adjusting the text width so it fits onto a traditional 3-column sheet of A4 printed both sides. I've finally perfected it and made sure I saved my latest changes and printed what turned out to be my only proof copy as the ink promptly ran dry in my colour printer. At least I can take it with me to the Group tomorrow and pass on to our manager for approval.
I have to say that I'm quite pleased with it, even if I do say so myself, and it's reassuring to know that my creative skills haven't quite left me.

I'm rather hopeful that I can get them printed by the Trust or I'll need to buy some more ink and paper. The plan is for them to be placed in medical centres and waiting rooms around South Holland.

My mood today is much improved. I spent some time watching David Cameron preach to the faithful earlier at the closing speech of the Conservative Party Conference. I'm afraid I just found him to be as patronising, out of touch and as arrogant as ever. I really hope he isn't voted in for a second term.

My wife and son have recently returned from a school trip to Tattershall Castle. As I recall, it's on the way to Coningsby and I used to pass it every day when I worked at RAF Coningsby teaching pilots and ground crews how to use computers. They had a good time by all accounts and even managed to climb the 150 steps to the top. Rather them than me...

Despite my creative peak, my Moodscope rating this morning was again just 10%. At least it's remaining pretty much constant.

I think we're planning to do some arts and crafts at the Group tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to it and spending time with people I respect, value and am very fond of. I'm really hoping my raised spirit will last into tomorrow and perhaps beyond, but I really should take just one day at a time and not be too ambitious.

On a high... But for how long?

We had a good meeting yesterday at the NHS T&D Centre in Sleaford. It was a good job my two colleagues and I attended or there would have been just one other there. I had expected a conference room full of volunteer staff, instead we had a small meeting room and board table. It would have made more sense I think to have had one big meeting with volunteer staff from all parts of Lincolnshire, but being such a vast county there would have been many for whom the trek there would have been too much.
We did manage to come away with some new information and also had the opportunity to spend some time discussing our Mental Health Prevention Fund bid and apportion parts of the bid application to each of us to complete.
It was also useful to find out that we are able to use the venue for any group committee meetings we hold in the future. Apparently we need to meet monthly, particularly if we go for charity status, which is becoming more likely given the fact we will be requesting more than £1k.
It was actually very enjoyable, not just the meeting, but the opportunity for the three of us to go somewhere different and spend some time together. It was clear to me that over the last few months, we had all developed a bond of friendship with each other which I feel will be strong and lasting. This makes me feel good.
My mood had lifted slightly, well I felt it had. My Moodscope rating yesterday was 10% again, but I'm not sure if it accurately reflected my mental state. I certainly felt more active and interested in what was going on around me and the deep depression of the last few days had definitely lifted.
Today I actually felt almost free from depression, though my Moodscope rating this morning was actually just 9% - one of my lowest scores so far. So although the symptoms of despair were there, they hadn't manifested themselves into a low mood. Interesting...
At today's Support Group, we had a guest speaker - a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who came to tell us a little about his job and give a Q&A session. It was all very interesting and I was curious to know how he had got into the role and what had led him there.
We also had a new (male) member join us today and he was well received by all. I'm hopeful he will come again as I very much enjoyed his input and I'm sure he can benefit from the Group. We do still need to increase our numbers and it would be nice if we could attract more men though it is acknowledged that men are the least likely to seek help and therapy in the form that we provide.
I need to work some more on the Blue Skies leaflet tomorrow with a view to completing it. I need to take the final proof with me on Thursday. Hopefully we'll soon be able to get them printed. I'll also finish off the poster so we can get it put up in waiting rooms and medical centres.
I certainly feel on a high at the moment and such a contrast to the last week. I'm interested in doing things and I have been busy typing letters, something I very much enjoy, mainly to banks. I just hope this surge of energy and high spirits lasts, but knowing my condition, I'll soon be back in my pit of despair. That's what makes me think I'm bi-polar and why others think I am too.

Improvement & Focus

A better day today. My Moodscope rating is 10%, which although very low is an improvement on yesterday. Compared to yesterday, I do feel a lot better. I'm more interested in doing things and I have my appetite back. Therapy suggest that keeping away from the things that cause or might cause another depressive low is the right course of action, so that is what I'll do.
I am beginning to wonder if I am becoming bi-polar. This was dismissed soon after my breakdown, but the roller coaster effect of my depression lends itself to this condition.
Depression is something that is fully understood only by those who suffer with the condition. Depression is indiscriminate and affects the people around and close to the sufferer. It is a destructive illness. Its damage is long lasting and in some cases permanent and at worst fatal.
Depression has taken me to some dark places. On at least one occasion, it took somewhere I very nearly didn't return from. Its pull is relentless. It never actually stops. The trick is to keep pulling in the other direction but it takes strength, lots of it.
I don't believe depression is something that simply goes away. It's always there and gets worse when it wins the fight. When I was young, it was easier to win over and keep at bay. As I've got older, it's been more and more difficult to control and severe episodes are painful and crippling.
I have been thinking about my earliest recollections of being affected by depression. Knowing what I do now, it is clear to me that I was suffering with depression in my teens. It was certainly undiagnosed back then and if anyone did know that I was suffering with it, then nothing was done. So much of my time was spent sleeping just to while away the hours. I would often drink myself to sleep and mix with painkillers. When I was working, I'd keep the depression at bay until I came home and I would spend the evening in bed feeling worthless and alone. This was the cycle for a long time.
In some ways things were worse then as there was no control. No one knew about it and the low moods just felt normal the way things were. Now there is some level of control. The medication prevents the worst effects from occurring. There are people around me aware of the condition and aware that I suffer with it. These people are dear to me and keep me going.

Tomorrow is my first NHS Volunteer's Meeting. I'm quite looking forward to it and it's a chance to meet with others from around the county who give so much of their time and energy to help and support others. I'm hoping I'll be able to find out more about the group funding bid process as it all does seem rather involved. As we are asking for more than £1000, there is a lot more work involved and possibly a requirement for the group to hold charity status. That will certainly be my focus for tomorrow, and this will hopefully keep the dark clouds at bay.

Sinking a Little

I do feel as if I'm sinking today. I've been low for the last few days and I've been waking up depressed. The tiredness is ten times worse than normal and I can fall asleep in seconds if I don't fight the urge.
I haven't felt like this for a while. The bouts of depression are normally a few days apart but this one certainly has a tight hold at the moment.
I should be active. There are things I could be doing, but the energy simply isn't there. I cannot motivate myself to do much at all. I did vacuum this morning which I'm pleased about and I was going to do the washing-up from last night but we've run out of washing-up liquid.
I normally visit friends on a Saturday but I simply cannot today. I will go shopping with my wife instead and hopefully this will prevent me sinking any deeper. I really don't want the dark thoughts to come back.
My Moodscope rating is 8%.

Dementia - Discussing Is Understanding

I have written previously about my own experience with memory loss and dementia and how it can affect a relative. Dementia is certainly not an easy subject to write about, but in writing about it we understand it. By understanding it, we are able to spot the signs in others and hopefully discover how it is caused and how we can lessen its effects, or even better, prevent it altogether.
There are those who are uncomfortable with the subject. They find it hard to come to terms with the condition and would sooner not discuss it. Worst still, they choose not to accept the events and feel that such illnesses shouldn't be discussed, no matter how beneficial it may be to do so.
I spent considerable time researching dementia for a position I held a few years ago, and spent many hours with staff who cared for people suffering with dementia. On several occasions, I witnessed first hand the devastating effect of dementia.
My current work in mental health support and therapy brings me into contact with others who have been affected by dementia. My writing and recollections of my own experiences with dementia have provided a unique and personal perspective, and I have been encouraged by the responses I have received to continue in my work.

My work will continue be published via my website and through my Spalding based support group.

Writing Therapy

A few people have spoken to me about writing as therapy, aware that I use my blog for exactly that purpose - to record my thoughts of the now and to record my memories of the past, as I see them and as I recall certain events. Writing benefits me enormously. My blog is my personal journal, my record of my life and as much as I can recall from it. My writing is precious to me and absolutely no one will take it from me.

To encapsulate this, I have stumbled across a wonderful document entitled 'Writing as Therapy' which I've published on my website. It can be viewed or downloaded at
http://www.pcknowledge.co.uk/Health_Resources%20&%20Media.htm
Scroll down to the Documents section and you'll find it there.

Starting to get CBT

I had my fifth CBT session on Tuesday and I was told I have just three more to go before my course of therapy comes to an end. I think I am finally beginning to understand what it's all about, but I do still doubt whether it is the answer to everything.  It doesn't tackle the route causes of my anxiety and depression. They are still there. It does make me analyse problems and when I do worry, CBT makes me try to understand why I worry and how this gets worse through not doing anything to combat it.
It's easier said than done. I still fear the post. It's irrational I know but the arrival of the post brings on palpitations and sweating. I will not open it. Certain emails also have this effect and I have to ask my wife to read them for me. Utterly ridiculous I know.
CBT isn't the answer to everything. I have learnt how to understand better why I worry and how my anxiety can spiral out of control causing a severe bout of depression if not tackled. I'm aware of this. But applying the CBT methodology to every worry and fear is not possible.
I think I'm to begin focusing on assertiveness in the next session. That will be interesting. My years in middle and senior management taught me all I needed to know. But my breakdown three years ago took a lot from me including any degree of assertiveness I once had. In my view, you can only be assertive if you feel strong, and that's something I haven't been for a very long time.

Stoptober

It is Stoptober and smokers are being urged to give-up for the month of October. Sadly no one I know is taking the challenge. Now if they attached an electronic cigarette to every one of the leaflets, I can guarantee the success rate would go though the roof. I know because I use one. I get my high dose of nicotine without any of the harmful extras. For me it really is better than the real thing...

Family

What would we do without family...?

Blue Skies Funding

I've been told to expect this week the forms needed to submit our support group funding request from the mental health prevention fund. I believe we are in with a good chance of securing money for art and craft materials and computers enabling us to extend the range of activities and skills we are able to provide our group members.
I'm not too sure of the bid process, but having done countless business plans and proposals in the past, I don't foresee any real problems.
There is certainly a keenness for computer skills training which I can provide, and art classes will hopefully lead to us collaborating with ArtLinc and possibly exhibiting our works in their galleries. We will be visiting the ArtLinc Group at their Lincoln base very soon.
So all looking good so far, and we continue to attract new group members though we could certainly do with  some more men(!)