As 2012 Draws to a Close...

I'm feeling quite good with myself at having managed to get through a family gathering yesterday without having scratched my arms and rubbed my hands until they bled. This is due in part to the half bottle of gin I took with me which definitely got me through and masked me from the constant talk of football and who scored what and when. I should feel hung-over this morning, but I actually feel fine. Gin doesn't have a lasting effect with me and it's a drink I have learnt to use for its medicinal effects.

Coffee is something I received a lot of this Christmas. I have a nice new container in which to store it and as I type this the smell of freshly filtered coffee is drifting into my office and over my desk. I also received some very nice chocolate (diabetic) from Thorntons and a bag of utterly delicious Brazil nut toffee, again diabetic. I fear that it won't last very long before it is all eaten.

My son is still very much in a Christmas mood. He returns to school a week tomorrow, but this is a distant thought as he creates new and exciting worlds with his Lego and Imaginext castle. He is still in the grip of a Chicken Pox infection with a few spots visible on his face. It doesn't seem to have caused him much harm thankfully and he views it simply as a minor inconvenience. He had a bath the night before last in Dead Sea salts which are supposed to help heal the spots. Their effect also was to send him into a deep sleep a few minutes after he had rejoined me on the sofa.

Today is the first day of the festive period that actually feels what it is - Sunday. We've decided to stay at home today save a brief excursion to the local Co-Op earlier for some essentials and some fresh rolls for lunch.
It's not even mid-day and I've already this morning put some air in the car tyre and fixed the patio door handle, which every three of four months manages to work itself loose. I think I've done quite well.

My thoughts turn to the Group and our forthcoming meeting on Tuesday. We're planning on having bacon sandwiches and baps for the first time. My colleague should be joining me there despite having crashed her car a few days ago. I'm hoping she will have a courtesy car else I'll need to give her a lift.

Looking back on the past year I am thankful and somewhat relieved that we have survived to see another Christmas. This is due in no small part to my wife's budgeting expertise and our diplomacy with creditors and the bank, aided of course by our guardian angels, the Spalding Citizen's Advice Bureau. I don't wish to predict where the coming year will take us, I prefer to live a week at a time. I do however hope that we manage to secure funding for the Group and that I manage to find some kind of paid work, that I'm able to cope with. If nothing else, provided 2013 remains as stable as 2012, then I'll be quite happy. Anything else will be a bonus.

Our Bloody Roads

It's an odd day today. It doesn't feel as if it fits in. I know it is Friday but it doesn't feel like it. We're in that bit in between Christmas and the New Year. Some people are back at work whilst others have cleverly booked the remainder of the year off, returning to work on January the 3rd or if they are lucky, the 7th.

I woke this morning to news of yet another tragedy to occur on our roads. This time it involved a car leaving the A47 near Walsoken en route to Wisbech yesterday evening. Somehow the car ended up on its side in a ditch and the accident claimed the lives of two young sisters, 7 and 10 from Sutton Bridge, not far from where I live here. Again we are reminded of just how dangerous our roads are. It is not known what caused the accident, but my belief that we have the most dangerous roads (and drivers) in the UK, here in Lincolnshire is strengthened by this latest incident. You really only need drive a few miles to witness some of the most appalling driving habits and risk taking. Poor driving skill is endemic throughout Lincolnshire, particularly in the most rural parts such as here in South Holland where roads are long, speed limits are higher and where police are scarce.

This month will certainly remembered for road tragedies. Earlier today I called my colleague to see how she was following her accident yesterday entering the center of Spalding. Her car too ended up on its side and it is amazing thats he managed to escape with just a few bruises. It is not known how the accident occurred though she claims to have blacked-out. How fortunate that it occurred where it did in a 30 mph zone and not on the busy A17 where cars and lorries hurtle along at 60 mph.

A few ore days of this holiday feeling and then my attention must turn to my role within our support group and creating a database of members' contact details. We should also hear around the 21st January if we have been successful in our bid for funding. Something else I aim to do is to apply for work with a company I stumbled across a couple of weeks ago, Silver Training. They provide in-home tutoring for people who want to learn more about their computers and those who want to install new printers and other peripherals. It is all stuff I have done in the past and maybe it will provide a worthwhile income which could help us immensely.

Another test of my anxiety is coming up tomorrow. We are having tea at my in-laws for a few hours from 4pm. I'm beginning to worry a little about it now. I know I shouldn't but it is a spontaneous reaction I have over which I have very little or no control. At least I can escape into the garden if things get too bad. I've done pretty well over Christmas. Despite is being just the three of us for most of the time, there was the odd occasion when I needed to be sociable, but I did seem to manage quite well.
Looking at my right hand, I am reminded of how bad things can get, particularly if I feel trapped. In a way it's good as it provides a kind of benchmark by which I judge other difficult situations. I don't know if I'm getting better at controlling my anxiety. I prefer to think that I am better at judging and avoiding situations where I could become anxious. I'm hoping it will go OK tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Son

An early start again today. My son is six years old and another stack of presents were waiting for him in the lounge this morning. I love to see him excited. He reminds me so much of myself when I was his age.

Twin rotor heavy-lift helicopter with drive on/drive off tail

Police Station with prison cells, dog kennel, garages and offices

This year he has received a lot of Lego and my wife and I have just finished building a police station and twin rotor helicopter. I'm just hoping he manages to keep it all in one piece! In an ever changing world, Lego remains one of the few constants where its quality can be guaranteed. It seems there is nothing that cannot be modelled or replicated by Lego and I am in awe as to how the creators manage to produce such easy to follow instructions and intricate facsimiles of the things around us.

The huge number of cards he has received is testament to how much he is loved and adored by his family, Godparents and relatives. My sister has once again produced some unique and inspirational cards, all of which would be the envy of Hallmark and other greetings industry favorites. His nanny and granddad on my wife's side called in again earlier today to wish him a Happy Birthday and to see his many presents and cards, which was nice. His aunt and uncle are due to visit this evening

It is difficult to believe that my son is already six years old. It seems like only yesterday that we were at QE Hospital in Kings Lynn, both exhausted following a 48 hour labour. He has grown up so fast since then and I'm constantly amazed at the speed at which he is developing.
His chicken pox doesn't seem to be affecting him too much though he has started to itch a little in places. I suppose it's just as well he's caught it now and hopefully it will be gone in a few more days.

There was a little excitement earlier today when my colleague called me to say that she'd had an accident on the way to a meeting of our group. It happened as she neared the river in Spalding and from what she has described to me, it seems she may have blacked-out and hit a parked car, causing he car to turn on its side. Thankfully she is OK apart from some scratches and bruises and very lucky. I've yet to speak with her at any length and I expect she is still very shaken from the ordeal, but I will call tomorrow to see how she is.
I am reminded that I need to complete the record of our members' contact details, in case of events such as this. It is very important to be able to contact people in emergencies particularly if we have to postpone or cancel meetings.

My wife's return to work tomorrow reminds me that this is a all but a temporary period of fun and relaxation. There are many who despite the break still need their hair maintaining and styled. New Year parties will produce a final surge in demand over the coming days and my wife and her colleagues will frantically try to squeeze in as many perms, blue rinses and highlights as they can on New Year's Eve.
My 'return to normal' will occur New Year's Day, where we have a group meeting for a couple of hours in the morning. It will be nice to see everyone once more and hear how Christmas was for them.

I did manage to contact the people responsible for paying my volunteer expenses and I informed them I had been overpaid. They praised my honesty and pointed out that I should have been paid more than the amount I was expecting, which was nice. They have asked me to pay back the overpayment which of course I will do... in due course.

The Day After

I prefer not to think that Christmas is over on Boxing Day though there are those who do. You'd be forgiven for thinking that the January sales had come early given the number of people swarming to the shopping centres and out of town stores. It seems Christmas is more commercialised than ever with the modern day priority being to hunt down the best bargain or the very latest gadget.
With this in mind, I was somewhat surprised this morning to find that my local Tesco store was closed. I wouldn't normally dream of venturing out on Boxing Day but they are holding a Birthday present for my son. It's his Birthday tomorrow and I'd like to give it to him in the morning. I see that they open at 8am tomorrow so I will pop down there early.
Yesterday was very pleasant. We were on our own as a family of three (well four if you count the dog). My in-laws did call round briefly in the morning to be shown by my son all the presents Santa had brought him in the night. My parents opted to spend Christmas Day at my Sister's.
Gift-wise, we all seemed to receive practical gifts rather than stocking-fillers. For the first time ever, I didn't receive a single sock or 'smelly'. I did receive some nice clothing as did my wife, and a copious amount of ground coffee and diabetic chocolate. By far the most useful gift I received was a self-stirring mug. I accept it has a certain amount of novelty value, but I'm very pleased at how useful it really is. In fact, I haven't stopped using it since yesterday favouring it over all the mugs I have (I have a large number).

I'm surprised this year at the amount I haven't eaten. I normally over-do it every Christmas and end up being unable to move for a day after. Yesterday I was quite reserved. We had our Christmas lunch, wonderfully cooked by my very clever wife and very little afterwards save a snack or two in the evening. I really didn't feel like eating though I expect I'll make up for it today as I'm actually feeling a little peckish.
I did half expect to fall asleep in the afternoon, but I surprised myself by staying awake and alert enough to build a couple of my son's Lego kits he'd received from Santa. One is a police motorcycle and the other a police car complete with criminal and a border crossing. I'm constantly amazed at the quality of Lego these days. I know it can be a little expensive, but considering it will last many years and be repeatedly broken up and rebuilt, it seems to me money well spent. I still have a fishing boat to build which I've promised I will do this afternoon. Tomorrow will also be spent building Lego as my son is to receive another couple of large kits for his Birthday. It's a good job I enjoy it!

Talking about my son, the poor mite woke this morning with a few spots and it appears he has Chicken Pox. It's not come as any great surprise given he's spent the last couple of weeks playing with his cousins, both of which have had it also. Hopefully it won't aggravate him too much, it certainly doesn't seem to be bothering him so far.

It was so sad and upsetting to hear the news of yet another tragedy yesterday. This time it was a car accident on the M6 in Staffordshire claiming the lives of two brothers, 4 and 10 and a woman. Words cannot describe how tragic this is for all involved and the impact is all the greater for occurring on Christmas Day.

As I drive about locally, I am struck by how full the dykes are that separate the fields all around here. It really seems as if another torrential downpour is all that is needed for many of them to overflow onto the roads. The fields too are covered in mini lakes indicating that the soil below if completely saturated. Apart from the risk of flooding, I fear for what this will mean for the farmers and their ability to grow crops in the coming months.

Finally, for now, I have decided to join the Mass Observation Project. It has been running since 1937 capturing the memories of everyday folk up and down the land.

An item on Radio 4's Today this morning prompted me to visit their website where you can apply to write for them. Seeing as I enjoy writing, especially about things that go on around me, it seems the natural thing to do.

Right, time to tackle my son's Lego fishing boat. I'll post photos of all the models I've built this Christmas tomorrow.

Two more sleeps...

I'm feeling very festive. It's taken a while but was probably brought about by a party we held for my son earlier. He will be 6 years old on the 27th but we decided to have his party a few days early at our village hall. Despite the panic to ensure that everything went well and that there was enough food to go round, the whole thing was a rip roaring success. Most of the credit should go to the parents who all chipped in and of course the wonderful chap who did the disco. He really is the best and ensured that the kids were kept entertained throughout with various party games. In fact, he really made the party and I can't recommend him enough! I was on kitchen duty, making countless cups of tea and coffee for the adults. In fact, I was in my element and it's something I'm very used to doing each week at my support group meetings.

My son's excitement is clearly beginning to build and he now knows he has just two more sleeps until Santa brings his presents. My wife has done a sterling job this year and has managed once more to work miracles with the relatively small amount of money we have spare. Unlike previous years, it will just be the three of us here for Christmas. My parents are spending Christmas with my sister and my in-laws are playing host to their sons and their families. This is fine, I'm very comfortable with this and it will nice not to have to worry about catering for others and having to the do inevitable taxi runs here and there. We've even done the exchange of gifts, so we're actually ahead of schedule for the first time.
As far as remaining gifts are concerned, we're just waiting on some calendars, a yearly tradition whereby we collate the best of the year's photos of our son. I'm hopeful they will arrive tomorrow as they have been dispatched. We're also waiting for one last gift for our son. He's really into Lego at the moment, as I was when I was his age. We've bought him some of the Lego City range this year and to top it off, we have ordered for him a rather nice helicopter which Tesco have very kindly reduced from £34 to just £23. It has a delivery estimate of the 28th, though I'm hopeful it will arrive at our local store for collection late tomorrow.
I do also need to buy a little something for my wife. We did decide some months ago not to buy for each other as money is so short. It turns out though that my wife has spent some money on something for me, so I must do the same. Luckily I have tomorrow afternoon to find something suitable.

I have a Blue Skies meeting in the morning for a couple of hours. It was decided we would meet Christmas Eve as otherwise the wait between meetings would be too great. We're going to have a few festive nibbles and treats and I'm hoping as many as possible will attend.

In the news, we have more flooding affecting parts of the UK. This time rail routes have been affected and there are severe flood warnings, particularly in the West. More rainfall is predicted and this is likely to cause further flooding in the coming days. Indeed, many of the dykes here in South Holland are almost full and the fields around and about are heavily waterlogged. This is the worst I have seen them in ten years.
Another story, which simply won't go away, is the Andrew Mitchell 'who said what to who plebgate affair'. Stepping back, I find the whole thing utterly ridiculous compared to other things going on in the World. There is talk of investigation after investigation and repeated denials which frankly will simply run on and on. The fact is that no one recorded what was said and it's one word against another. Just draw a line under it and move on. There are more important things we should be concerning ourselves with such as helping those who cannot afford to heat their homes or feed their families.

Finally, it did look as if I'd had a little luck on Friday when I received a remittance advice note from the NHS for my volunteer expenses. The amount paid to me was £422, way higher than it should be. When I checked my November expenses, I'd travelled a total of 420 miles. At 40p per mile, this is £168. I'm rather hoping that it is some kind of Christmas good will bonus of some kind, but I doubt it very much. Being the honest guy I am, I'm going to have to phone up tomorrow and ask if they have made a mistake. Needless to say, in my mind I have already spent every penny of it!

I'll try to get another post in before the big day, but if I don't Happy Christmas to you all and thanks so much for taking an interest in my random thoughts and ramblings.

A parent's dilemma

I have been following the Sally & Neon Roberts case with interest. As a parent, I wonder what I would do in a similar position. Thankfully my son is blessed with good health. There is a higher than normal chance of him developing diabetes as I have it, but this makes us extra cautious regarding his diet.
We live in a world nowadays where information is available at our fingertips. Medical reviews, studies and encyclopedias on medication and medical conditions is available for anyone to view on a computer. Nothing it seems is out of reach. With this in mind, it is no wonder that we carry out our own research into things that are wrong with us and the effects of treatment. We do it for ourselves and we do it for our family members. If , God forbid, anything was wrong with my son, I would insist on finding out all that I could. I would question any diagnosis and investigate any recommended treatment. I wouldn't go as far as refusing it, but I would want to formulate my own opinion based on solid research.

One of Sally Roberts' objections is to her son receiving radiotherapy, a process that targets an area of the brain where a tumour is present with radiation. The fact that a doctor had referred previously to this as 'scrambling the brain' probably didn't help one little bit. She is understandably concerned, as I would be. It is a natural parent's instinct to be concerned for one's child. Having said this, I have no doubt whatsoever that the medical advice given is correct and given the urgency of Neon's condition, it is right that the treatment is given. Still, I do understand Sally's concerns for her son.
I do wonder if she has left things a little late. The time for seeking second opinions and alternative diagnosis is early on when the tumour is first discovered. It is possible we know only part of the story and there is very likely to be more to this than has been reported in the media. There often is. The emphasis is most likely to be on making Sally appear to be a mother who takes risks with her son's health and is anti established forms of medical treatment. This of course is wrong.
Sometimes, we simply have to leave it to the experts. I say this in the full knowledge that sometimes it is right to question the opinion and diagnosis of a professional. I've done it myself, and been proved right. I have commented before now on situations where I appear to know more than my GP having resorted to the Internet. It does happen. We assume GP's are constantly connected to the Internet for the latest news in all things medical and health, but they are not. Sometimes, they are very lacking.
I'm certainly 'on the fence' with this one. I have enormous sympathy for the mother, but can't help feeling she has left things a little too late. This has necessitated the legal action we have seen for her son to receive urgent treatment and in effect overrule her wishes. After all, it is the life of Neon that is at stake here and everything should be done to provide him with the best possible treatment.

Taking its rightful place

I've managed to find a home for my typewriter. Having been forced some years ago by my wife to down-size, my desk isn't as large as it used to be. As a result, I have just managed to squeeze my 'new' Imperial 80 between keyboards and this is where it will stay until such time as I'm able to up-size again.
I couldn't be more chuffed with the machine. It's easy to underestimate the workmanship that went into these things. The fact that it works as well now as it did then is testament to build quality and design all those years ago. It surprised me how quickly I have become used to it and it feels as though I was always meant to have one in amongst the humming flashing technology of today.

Of course it lacks any form of correction facility so I must find some of those Tip-Ex strips that allow you to go back a letter and 'white-over' errors. I remember having them years ago and I'm sure they're still available.
It also has that typewriter smell about it. I suspect it's more the ribbon but it's a smell I've had with all typewriters I've owned, and a smell I have missed.
I must confess to feeling a little bad at paying just 99p for it. It's clearly worth more, but the rules of eBay are that I should pay what I bid, and though I initially bid £5 I was the only bidder and hence I paid just the 99p start price.
I suspect over the coming years, the value of typewriters will increase. I have already seen a rise in value reflected on eBay with portables selling for upwards of £50 or more. I dare say in about twenty years from now, a typewriter such as mine will be worth a hundred times what I've paid for it. I'm glad I was able to buy it when I did, and I don't intend letting this go for any price!

I've bought a typewriter!

I'm quite pleased, having managed to procure a rather nice Imperial 80 typewriter for the princely sum of just 99p! A lot of people I know are critical of eBay but it really is possible to find some bargains and considering I've been looking for a typewriter for some time, I'm quite chuffed. What's more, it's just down the road in Holbeach so I've arranged to collect it tomorrow afternoon.

It's not quite the portable I had been looking for, for portable it most certainly is not. It is more of an office machine, much like the ones I grew up with. In fact, I did once have an Imperial 66. Now that was a wonderful machine and effortless to use. I think it was the typewriter I used the most.
I'm hopeful my son will want to use it. It will be good for him to understand what we used before word processors and computers and it may be that he takes to it as I once did and practise his word skills using it.

It feels wrong to celebrate...

It does feel somewhat wrong to be preparing to celebrate Christmas when their are 27 shattered families and relatives on the other side of the Atlantic, their lives devastated.
Many would say that life has to go on. I suppose they are right, but for the families involved, they must be feeling their world has come to an end.
I listened last night to BBC Radio 5's Stephen Nolan Show. It's a phone in discussion programme and the main topic was the tragedy in Connecticut. I normally listen to just a few minutes, depending on the subject, but last night I felt compelled to stay with the programme until 1am.
A couple of the calls were from the area affected. One was from an English teacher who worked at a school in a neighbouring state. He talked about how school teachers and children are trained for situations such as those seen on Friday. The training is mandatory and as he explained what he would have done in a similar situation, he began to break down. His thoughts had turned to the children in his charge and the realisation that it could easily have been his class that had been lost.
Another call was from a father in the UK. He simply could not understand how it could be right for a member of the public to have access to weapons normally seen only in the military. He too broke down and sobbed as he tried to articulate his feelings, the anger clear in his broken voice. The weapons used by the lone gunman on Friday are designed to cause maximum damage and injury. They are death machines and can be found in use by the Navy and those serving in Afghanistan. Why, he asked, are such weapons so widely available? 'There has to be something seriously wrong with a country that allows this'. How right he is.
Something that dis stick in my mind was a quite from a law official in the US who informed us that there are in use in the US more than one gun per head of the population. That is a huge number of weapons, all of which are in use. Is it any wonder tragedies like this occur?
As more detail emerges, so too we will hopefully begin to answer the big question, 'why?'. The police have announced they have found evidence that shines a light on this question and may go some way to provide a motive for the gunman to have done what he did. This will be of no consolation to the parents of those killed, but may in some way help to prevent something like this ever happening again. It may help those in contact with children and young adults to recognise the signs before it is too late. It is more likely than not that the signs were there. They may have manifested themselves in odd behaviour, a reluctance to mix with others or a hatred for teachers or figures of authority. It is possible these things could have been pushed aside and put down to the actions of a normal adolescent, finding his place in society. It's likely we will never know.
It would be so wrong for nothing of any real good to come from this tragedy. There has to be progress on all fronts, progress in restricting gun ownership and the penalties for illegally using firearms and progress in understanding how and why young men are driven to commit such acts. 

A real Richard the Third of a record...

Today, I visited my favourite local second hand store in search for more records. I've written of my love for vinyl many times in the past and as I get older, the stronger my passion becomes.
Lately I've managed to find some real gems, but today I found mainly Christmas themed records and an LP of Paper Lace's greatest hits (all of which could really fit easily onto a 45). One record I do regret buying is an LP of Christmas carols sung by the once famous Chas and Dave.

Quite what possessed me to buy it I don't really know as the record is probably one of the worst I have ever listened to! The music itself is OK and would be quite nice, if I could remove the voices. I would actually go as far to say that it is probably the worst thing Chas and Dave have ever recorded. You simply cannot turn classic carols into a Cockney singsong - it does not work.
So sorry Chas and Dave, it's real Richard The Third of a record, it really is 'pony and trap'!

Another tragic waste...

Yet again, we see another tragedy involving guns in the United States. This time, 27 innocent lives have been taken in the most horrific way, at an elementary school in Connecticut. Twenty of those killed are children, all aged between 5 and 10 years. My son is nearly 6. As a parent, my heart breaks as I try to imagine the overwhelming sense of grief and loss that the parents must be feeling at the moment. I know with some certainty that if anything happened to my son, I would not be able to live without him and I would shortly follow him.
Again, the gun law policies in the US are under the spotlight. Surely, enough is enough and this latest 'massacre' has to be a turning point. Restrictions simply have to be implemented on who can legally own and use a gun, of any description. There have to be age restrictions and a complete ban on anyone owning a firearm if they have suffered mental health problems. There is speculation that the perpetrator suffered mental illness. Here in the UK, people find an outlet for their illness by self-harming. In the US, a firearm provides an outlet that turns the effects of their illness onto others, in the most lethal of ways.
For as long as the gun laws in the US remain unchallenged and unchanged, we will continue to see incidents such as the one we have witnessed.
Yesterday we all saw a president wipe tears from his eyes. His words were sincere and the words of a parent. But he is in a unique position to prevent this from happening again. I really hope he does.

Not quite feeling it yet...

I'm in a good place at the moment. Things are pretty steady and we can face Christmas without worrying too much about the mortgage. It's a good feeling to know that things are OK but I'm acutely aware of how quickly things can change. I'm always expecting a letter to arrive with a final demand or a bailiff letter threatening all sorts of horrible things. I dread the post as a result and seldom ever open anything just in case. I see how quickly things can change with myself and I see it with others I know. Keeping busy certainly helps and I am heavily involved with running Blue Skies. I also have this blog, my website and the Blue Skies Facebook page, all of which I try to keep updated regularly. Anxiety is something I find more and more difficult to control, as evidenced last Sunday when I caused a lot of damage to my right hand and wrist. I've decided that part of the reason for doing this was the inability for me to use my e-cigarette. It was quite a long journey and I am never without my 'stick' when driving normally. Being in my in-law's car meant that I couldn't use it and this added to my anxiety and feeling of overwhelming frustration. The people I know and support understand perfectly. They've seen the state of my hand. They know. My family do not, and never will. It is only possible to understand acute anxiety by experiencing it.

I don't know if it's just me, but I do feel there is a lot of death at the moment. So many people have died lately, people of note - personalities and people who have made a difference. As I type this, I see that Kenneth Kendal has passed away aged 88. I grew up during the 1970's and 80's when Kenneth was a regular TV news reader. I also remember his appearances on Channel 4's Treasure Hunt.
There is often tragedy at this time of year. Just before Christmas, it isn't unusual for their to be a disaster of some kind and major loss of life. Indeed, as I am typing I hear that there has been a shooting incident in Conneticut, US at an elementary school. There are reports that as many as 27 have been shot and killed. So tragic and a reminder of what guns can do in the wrong hands. It does seem that very little has changed in the US and gun laws remain lax enabling practically anyone to have access to firearms. All the while the law allows this to happen, so we will sadly continue to see events such as this.

I'm not really feeling that festive at the moment. We do have one or two Group events such as Secret Santa and our Christmas meal next week. I have received a number of cards and a couple of presents have appeared under the tree. I've even played a few of my Christmas records. Maybe next week, I'll start to feel it but today has been much like a typical October day with rain and strong winds having taken over from days of freezing fog and ice.

Our volunteer services manager visited our group on Thursday. He was there to discuss our relationship with the NHS Trust. It seems the NHS are trying to do away with groups such as ours and also end the practice of referring new members. It should be noted that our membership is by referral only so quite how things will work in the future I don't know. It may be that we do end up breaking away, especially if we procure funding but it's important we retain our connections with the NHS. There certainly appears to be an element within the NHS hierarchy that doesn't favor support groups such as ours. It's a shame as we're here to stay and our membership of the Shine Network carries much clout within the mental health circles in Lincolnshire. Added to this, I have called upon our local NHS Governor who I'm hoping will visit one of our group meetings soon. Their support should bolster our cause and ensure we continue to provide a much needed bridge between psychiatric services and the community.

Thank you bank

Some good news. Earlier today I had received a text message from the bank asking me to call them. This always fills me with a sense of dread, makes me feel ill and is normally to do with the fact that I owe them so much money. I did call them when I returned home from my support group meeting. It was, as I suspected, to do with the mortgage as the arrangement we have for the mortgage is about to run out. I wrote a while back that we had asked the CAB to intervene and send a letter on our behalf pleading for them to see sense and extend the arrangement until the end of February next year, when the rate changes significantly. This will mean us paying half the contracted amount, though we will just be paying the interest. It will though help enormously.
When I spoke with them, they did acknowledge that they had received the letter and after a brief chat with their manager, it was agreed that my account would be given the category of 'sensitive' and that we could continue paying the reduced amount.
It is difficult to convey the relief I now feel. This had been worrying me significantly and the fact that I can now spend Christmas not fretting over the mortgage is fantastic. It should be noted that my wife is equally relieved as me, particularly as she has to live with me and my fluctuating moods.
So thank you Halifax. It's a shame it had to take a letter from the Citizen's Advice Bureau and this long to sort out. It could have saved me a lot of unnecessary stress and anguish. But it's done now.
For others out there in a similar dilemma and unable to meet their mortgage payments, don't despair. You are not alone, there is always room for negotiation and if you need help, contact your local CAB. They are brilliant.

My first (baby) pepper

I've been trying to grow chilli peppers since the Spring and despite the plants growing well with strong stems and flowers, I've seen no sign of a single pepper. That was until this week when my wife pointed out to me that a tiny pepper had appeared on one of the plants.

My first pepper!

I don't know how much bigger it will become, though from experience of my watermelon project, I'm not expecting anything much! I'll keep a close eye on it and report back in a few weeks...

The tree is up!

Christmas is definitely here

Seeing Santa on the North Norfolk Railway

Today we took our Son to see Santa on the North Norfolk Railway. This has become something of a regular December event and it's something we really enjoy. My in-laws very kindly paid for all of  us to go this year and drove us there and back, so we didn't really have to pay for anything. Although I'm very grateful, I still feel an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment at not being able to contribute anything. The feelings were so acute this morning that I had what can only be described as an anxiety attack on the way there. My coping mechanism this time was to scratch at my wrist and right hand. I'd already cut my arm again the day previous after a bout of depression. Anyone who self harms will tell you that it is something they have to do to cope with a situation and that it actually makes them feel better. It is something they need to so. For me, it does seem to work. On this occasion, it was a reaction to being extremely anxious, wanting to be somewhere else and feeling judged. I felt really uncomfortable and trapped.

It wasn't until we boarded the train that my anxiety began to lift. My wife had sensed how I was feeling and did her best to calm me. The atmosphere was festive and there was much going on to take my mind off my feelings. We each (adults) received a very nice home made mince pie and a very nice sherry. The children received some chocolate and a soft drink.
As normal, the train was full. This is a very popular event on the NNR's calendar and clearly a major source of income for them. The train staff, all volunteers, really pulled out all the stops and made the journey to Weybourne very enjoyable with a mix of songs, balloon modelling and juggling.
At Weybourne, Santa and his elves greeted the train as it entered the station. This produced excited squeals amongst the children and it's always something I look forward to. I simply love the look on my Son's face and it makes me wish he didn't have to grow older.
Families left the train to see Santa a coach at a time, which was good as we didn't have to stand in the cold. The train was actually very warm. The vintage steam heating system was working very well.

The walk through to see Santa is a pleasant experience. There are displays to keep the children interested and it is well heated. Santa's grotto is very well done. It is clear to see the time and effort that goes into making this event happen each year, and the quality is excellent. There were real coal fires everywhere, including in Santa's grotto which really added to the scene perfectly. Santa was as always superb and our Son was given his gift and asked what he wanted for Christmas, to which he replied 'a bow and arrow'. Quite where he developed this fascination for archery from, I really don't know, and I could tell Santa was rather taken aback by his request.
A walk up and down the station and a few more photos and we were soon back on the train and in a few minutes were heading back to Sherringham, Santa and his elves waving frantically as the train pulled out of the station.
Once again, I have nothing but praise for the NNR and their merry band of volunteer staff. Without their enthusiasm each year, this event couldn't happen and it was good to see them getting involved in the festive fun as much as the parents and children. A huge thanks to them and a recommendation to anyone who wishes for an enjoyable trip by train to see Santa. It's a bonus if you have kids!
Well done again North Norfolk Railway... We'll see you again next year!

A Wonderful Rainbow

I have not long returned from Andrew Harrison's funeral at Nocton in Lincolnshire. I was struck by the huge number of people who attended, I counted 200 in front of me and there must have been a similar number behind. Some of them I knew, and others I didn't, but all had been touched by Andrew in some way during his life. The emotion was real and raw and the enormity of Andrew's loss was etched on the faces of all present.
The service was brief and alternative, in keeping with Andrew's wishes. The coffin was decorated with a rainbow pattern, in keeping with his alter ego, 'Captain Rainbow'. Everything was tastefully done and the applause given by those gathered whilst the coffin was lowered into the ground was fitting and appropriate.
It felt strangely wrong to walk away but I had an overwhelming sense that we were all off to carry on the great work Andrew had done until his passing. I feel confident he would wish us to carry on.
The drive home was solemn I discussed with my colleague how we could affiliate ourselves more closely with SHINE. This is something we are determined to do.
Something rather extraordinary happened as we neared Gedney. A wonderful bright orange sunset appeared behind us, where we had come from and in front of us was the arch of a wonderful rainbow. I looked at my colleague and said 'That's Andrew's work... He's done that'. My colleague smiled and told me she was about to say exactly the same thing.
Farewell Andrew. Thanks and rest in peace.

Needing A Day of Nothing

I'm feeling quite washed-out at the moment. Yesterday I attended an NHS event in transforming mental health services in Lincolnshire. It was a participatory event and provided an opportunity to contribute to NHS strategy. I was really impressed with this. I hadn't realised fully up to now just how much decision making involves members of the public and service users and I really felt a part of the process. Some of the Governors were present at the event and it was great being able to put faces to the names.

Today another NHS event was held in Lincoln on Personality Disorders. Despite the venue being very cold (on account of the hall owners forgetting the event was being held thus no heating), the event was excellent and contained real life testimony from Governors and service users. A talk was given on the illness and the current strategy and practises used to treat the condition. We were told that improvements were needed and that the quality of service available to patients isn't uniform across the county, but that a new strategy is currently being developed.
These events are great for networking and I got talking to many who have had experience of the condition. I was also asked if I would consider becoming a Governor. Apparently they are after more 'young blood' to influence and contribute to NHS mental health policy. I hadn't really considered this up to now, but the prospect of being able to contribute directly to mental health service provision and help shape strategy really appeals to me. Unfortunately I can't see myself being able to do it. For a start, I am rather wrapped up in my current role with Blue Skies, and my wife won't allow it given the fact that the position of Governor is unpaid, apart from expenses of course. Unless it's a full time job, she doesn't want to know. It's a real shame as I know it is where I want to be.
Tomorrow will be a good day. I was asked by my colleague earlier what it is I'll be doing. I replied gleefully, 'nothing... absolutely nothing'. Of course I'll be doing things, but I have nothing in my calendar so for me it will be a free day, to pretty much do what I want. I know I'll probably be tinkering with our funding bid, but I really want to keep the day free from stress if at all possible. I've had two full-on days and I need a little rest.
I did receive a message of encouragement and praise today in relation to our funding bid application. I had sent it to Lincolnshire CVS (Community Volunteer Service) for them to review and comment, and I received a message praising us on the quality of our application and pledging support for our project. I felt quite uplifted by this followed by a mix of emotions when I was reminded by my wife that I couldn't consider being a Governor for the NHS - despite my passion for improving mental health services, a passion which should be clear to see by now. Nevertheless, I replied to the message with thanks inviting them to come and see us at one of our group meetings.
We have until Friday to get the application and costs completed for submission. I am planning to send it by email last thing Thursday night. We're pretty much there, but we have been very slow and dis-organised in getting our costs together and deciding exactly the things we need to buy. We are bound to forget the odd item but I am hopeful we will have some change that we will be able to use to buy extras if needed.
So, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow, a chance to remain settled and an opportunity to recharge and reflect on where I am at the moment and where I want to be in the coming days.

Christmas Socks

Today I am able to wear for the first time this year my Christmas socks. It's quite an event for me as they have sat in my sock drawer all year long, ignored and pushed to one side as I've always considered it bad luck to wear them 'out of season', as it were.

For me, it does formerly mark the start of the festive season. It's difficult to work out how we have arrived here so quickly. A large part of me didn't think we would see another Christmas in this house, given the dire financial state we are in, so I'm especially grateful to still be here. It does mean also that I can dust off my Christmas music vinyl collection. I'm a staunch believer that before December 1st, very little should be made of Christmas and I begrudge seeing decorations and goods appearing in stores before this time. The worst for me are the people who insist on putting up their decorations and lights in October! In fact there are several homes like that not far from me here.
We've decided that next Saturday we will put up the tree and decorations. Despite my strict December policy for anything Christmas-related, I do like to see our home decorated. Of course, it's all for our son really. There's nothing better than seeing his excitement Christmas morning and receiving the things he has wished for.
We are very fortunate. There are many who this year will be struggling. That's not to say we're not finding it difficult, we are. We do though seem to manage and very rarely go without the essentials. My wife sees that the small wage she brings in each week is managed properly and apportioned appropriately. There is nothing left, no petty cash and no spare change to buy the odd packet of sweets, but we don't go without.
I listened intently this morning to the BBC Radio 4 Christmas Appeal. It has been running for more than 80 years and raises money for the St Martin In The Fields to provide shelter and help for homeless and vulnerable people. The programme highlighted the excellent work carried out by volunteers all year round to help the many who are forced to sleep on the streets of London. It provides a helping hand, offering protection and long term support but more importantly, it provides hope. I was truly humbled hearing the real life stories of those who have been given a lifeline by the Appeal and The Vicar's Relief Fund which each year provides much needed grants to people who are in severe financial difficulty.
I wish so much that I was in a position to be able to make a donation to the Appeal. The work they do is truly fantastic and has particular significance at this time of year, providing refuge, companionship, warm clothing and a hot meal to those who would otherwise be alone, cold and hungry. I'm fortunate to have my own home and I have family nearby, but there are many who don't and many who could find themselves homeless and in need of help through no fault of their own. The current economic crisis has taken away the assurance of job security and countless numbers up and down the country are asking themselves for the first time 'what if...'. There is uncertainty like never before, and sadly I don't see the situation improving for a long time to come.

Mr Purkiss

I read yesterday that my first school headmaster, Mr Purkiss passed away this week. He was in his 80's.
Mr Purkiss was headmaster of Raglan Road School during the early-mid 1980's when I attended as a pupil. Despite my age, I do still have vivid memories of my time there and recall clearly how Mr Purkiss would arrive each morning in his tiny blue Fiat camper van, driving through the school gates and negotiating his way across the playground to the staff car park. I remember the smell in the corridor as I approached the school office. It was a mix of instant coffee and cigarette smoke. Mr Purkiss was known to be a heavy smoker. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed the odd drink too and he would often take morning assembly with a deep red face and smelling of cigarettes and alcohol. Often he would play a us a record on a portable record player and he'd sit next to it on the stage as we all listened intently to a piece of classical music he had chosen. Other times, he would read to us. He had a gentle voice and he was always very kind and friendly. I understand he he was still headmaster for many years after.
I would have liked to have met him again, mainly to say 'thank you'. I never appreciated my time at Raglan Road. It's only now that I appreciate it and reminisce with fondness.
Mr Purkiss wrote a book upon the Centenary of Raglan Schools in 1989. I'd really like to track down a copy...
Rest in peace Mr Purkiss and Thank You from an appreciative former pupil.

Pets As Therapy

Today, my support group was introduced to a PAT dog. PAT stands for 'Pets As Therapy'. PAT is an organisation founded in 1983 that operates separate to the NHS but provides visits with animals for people suffering with mental illness, the elderly and children, at such places as hospitals, hospices, nursing and care homes, special needs schools and a variety of other venues

The dog we met today was called Harry, a Labrador cross breed who had a wonderful temperament and in no time at all managed to change the mood of the group.

It was clear that the dog had been very well trained. He immediately homed in on me as I have a Springer Spaniel bitch. He then moved to another member of the group who also has a dog. It was interesting to hear that cats are also used to great effect and there is even a rabbit!
We've arranged for Harry to come visit us every fortnight and for more information about their work, visit       http://www.petsastherapy.org

Harry was accompanied by our Volunteer Services Manager and we were thrown into a state of uncertainty and confusion as it turns out we may be forced to break away from the NHS Volunteer Service we currently operate under. It should be noted that up to now, our manager has encouraged us to apply for funding. Our work on a Thursday tales place at non-NHS premises and as such it is possible that we may not be insured. This has no bearing on whether or not we provide our services, but it will mean that we will be responsible for everything we do. There will be additional costs to consider such as public liability insurance, though hopefully we can build these into our funding bid costs for next year. There is another consideration and that is expenses. Currently, we are able to claim our expenses back from the NHS for travel but if we were to break away from them, we would no longer be able to claim. As the majority of those running the Group are on very low incomes, these expenses provide a level of relief and funding to enable us to do what we do. If this facility was withdrawn then it does throw into doubt our ability to self-fund our activities. I know this has got a few of our members worried but I think it's important to await the outcome of the meeting before we begin to panic.

A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. When someone you know dies, it throws you into a state of flux. When they take their own life, it fills you with a lot of different emotions. As well as feeling sad and distressed at his loss, I found myself feeling very angry, angry that it could have happened and angry that all the good work that he had done and the projects he had planned were now gone. I kept playing over in my mind how he could have been feeling and what led him to do it. Was the problem so great that there was no solution? Could anyone have helped prevent it? Perhaps he just wanted to go, no matter how much help and support was on offer. Perhaps he'd simply had enough and just didn't want to go on. Maybe we'll never know.
The void left by Andrew's death is huge. So many people knew him, from NHS executive through to support groups and mental health sufferers. For many he was their champion, someone who campaigned tirelessly for greater understanding and better services. Many have remarked how, if it hadn't been for Andrew, they wouldn't be here today. Andrew's legacy will live on through the people he has touched and the campaign he started. It will be up to the people Andrew knew to continue the good work he started and the various support groups to promote this work through training, awareness and fund raising.
Andrew's funeral is being held on Friday 7th December at Nocton Wood Burial Site, Lincoln. I will be attending with one of my support group colleagues on behalf of Blue Skies.

The week started quite badly with a visit to the bank, practically pleading with them to extend the arrangement we have with them for another three months to March next year, when the interest rate drops to 3.9% (we are currently on a fixed rate of 6.9%). Sadly, despite our pleas, the bank decided not to be as helpful as they could have been and as a result, we have had to seek the help once more of the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They have, as expected, been brilliant. They have written to the bank on our behalf in an attempt to make them see sense and I hope that we'll hear some good news soon. The alternative is a fine each month, harassing phone calls at all hours, and threatening letters. We were told by the adviser at the bank to expect this. This is despite being told by my wife of my poor mental health. The problem with banks, particularly the large ones, is that exceptions cannot be made for customers with specific needs. Unless you fit into one of their boxes, they don't want to know. Your circumstances trigger computer generated letters and harassing telephone calls from faceless call centres. They don't know you, they don't know your situation and they don't know how to deviate from the script in front of them or stuck to the side of their little partitioned cubicle. They don't care. It's not as if we're asking the earth, we're not - just three months leniency until we're able to take advantage of the new lower interest rate.
It's far to say that this is having a bearing on my mental state. I do worry about it constantly and if anything is going to drag me back down in the coming weeks, it is this.

I've been more busy than ever this last week with preparations for our funding bid application from the Mental Illness Prevention Fund. On Monday, I spend several hours going through the application at a colleague's place. Since then, I've been constantly updating things especially costs as we think up new items to add to the list. We're already at over £3,000!
On Tuesday, we visited the bank to start our application for a bank account. Whilst there, the bank manager opened up to us about her daughter, who suffers mental illness. In fact we spent most of the one hour appointment talking about this. The relief at having found a local support group was palpable. I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. Mental illness is everywhere. I was so glad that we'd been able to help and it was reassuring to know that we had the support of our bank manager!

Thursday was particularly stressful and I found myself feeling quite emotionally drained. Our members are in need, that is why they attend the group. The company of others, particularly those who understand and who have lived experience of their illness, is important to them. For many, they simply wouldn't get out of bed if they didn't have the group. Sadly, several were in a distressed state and in greater need of our support than normal. It is very sad to see them this way and I feel frustrated at not being able to help more. I've seen what desperation does and I'm doubly keen to ensure we offer all the support we can when it is needed and an assurance that it is there when it is not. To further the types of support we are able to offer, I would very much like for us to be trained in counselling skills. I have been asked for counselling and it would be great if we were able to offer this. For some the thought of having to see a 'professional' is very off-putting and it is very important that our members feel comfortable and at ease.

A difficult visit to my parent's this morning. I felt like a caged animal. I do whenever I'm with family. They don't talk to me (perhaps they don't know what to say to someone with mental illness), and I feel quite ostracised. The longer I'm there, the worse I feel. Paranoia soon sets in and I become anxious about what they are thinking and saying about me. It is horrible, I feel terrible and it's a situation I always try to avoid. Of course they don't understand and I get comments like 'you're not talking very much' and 'cat got your tongue?'. The people I work with do, they more than understand. They go through it every day, the same feelings just like me. I'm so glad I know them and I would be lost without them.

The weather is once again in the news. As I type this, I see that two people have so far lost their lives due to flooding and falling trees. It is worse in the West where flooding is the main problem due to burst rivers and breached defences. There was a time when flooding on this scale would have been a singular event and treated as a major crisis. Nowadays, it is all too common. Flooding is becoming a regular occurrence and it is becoming more and more difficult to accept those who claim that our weather patterns are not changing. It is clear that our weather is worsening and those living in flood hit areas of the country should expect more and more events such as those we have witnessed this week.

Andrew Harrison

A couple of hours ago, I learnt that Andrew Harrison of SHINE died Monday afternoon. Many will know him as 'Captain Rainbow' after his AOL email address.
Andrew had suffered with mental health issues for many years and used to work in the NHS until his illness forced early retirement. He decided to devote his time and energy to promoting mental health awareness and lobbied the NHS and health professionals regularly to provide funding and better care for the growing numbers of sufferers throughout Lincolnshire. Andrew did a lot of good work for a lot of people and there will be many this evening who will be shocked and distraught at his early death.
I had met Andrew a few weeks ago when I attended a course he was running at Renew+ in Lincoln with one of my colleagues. I came away in no doubt that Andrew was passionate about mental health, and though a little eccentric, he knew all there was to know on the subject. I was glad that we had had the opportunity to meet him and had begun to form connections between the SHINE Network and our group in South Holland. By working together, I was convinced we could do good things and extend the support we provide to a larger number of people.
It is so sad to think that someone who trained others to look after themselves and spot the signs of depression and mental illness, surrounded by so many supportive people, has himself decided to end his life. It is a reminder that mental illness can take the ultimate toll on anyone, even the best trained and best informed. Andrew's death is an enormous loss to the campaign for better mental health awareness and the fight against the path of destruction this government has set for the NHS and mental health services. I just hope that SHINE and the countless other organisations Andrew was involved with continue his work and maintain the fight for the growing number of people affected by mental illness.

I have sent a message of condolence on behalf of my support group, Blue Skies. Our thoughts and prayers are with Andrew's family, friends and colleagues at this tragic time.

RIP Andrew.

Involve@Lincoln have a dedicated page on Facebook where messages can be read and left;

www.facebook.com/pages/incolvelincoln

There is an Andrew Harrison Memorial site where messages of condolence can be left;
http://andrewmemorial.posterous.com/

A Quick Catch-Up

A few days since my last post. The fact is I've been quite busy with the support group, specifically our funding bid and other paperwork that needed completing. It's all getting quite serious now. Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with the NatWest to open an account for the group for any funding we're lucky to receive and fundraising monies. We have formed a committee, of which I am membership secretary. I really didn't want too much responsibility and I'll be quite happy sending out welcome packs and newsletters. That'll do me just fine.
Yesterday, we spent several hours at our secretary's home completing the funding application form. What I thought would take a couple of hours ended up taking more than five! In truth we did keep deviating from the task in hand but we managed to complete it in the end.
Another task has been putting together the costs for our project and activities. We are aiming to provide various art and craft related activities as well as computer skills training and Internet access. I'm managing to keep the cost of the computers down by using refurbished laptops and I have managed to keep the cost of everything so far to about £1.5k. With the art and craft materials, we are currently up to £2,800.
I really hope we are awarded some funding, though it would be brilliant if we could get the full amount we're requesting. We'll be able to provide so much for our members.

Last Thursday saw our first parent's evening with my son's new teacher. To be honest we had our doubts about her but came away feeling quite reassured and confident that our son was being taught well. I felt strangely odd sat on a chair built for a five year old and confess to feeling a little intimidated, much like the way I felt as a school kid.

A small computer job locally brought in a little money which paid for an urgent replenishment of my e-cig liquid. I just wish I could get a few more jobs like this to provide a meagre income.

We had to visit the bank today to discuss our own mortgage which we've had problems paying since I fell ill. We are currently on a high interest rate with them (6.9%) and this changes in March next year to (3.9%) which will reduce our payments considerably. We've been told we can switch to interest only which will bring our payments down further to a manageable level which will be great and will take enormous pressure off my wife who is struggling to pay everything from her tiny part time wage. The arrangement we currently have with the bank ends this month, so we asked if this could be extended until February. Sadly they have refused despite knowing our situation. This means we will have to go back to the Citizen's Advice Bureau to get help to plead our case to the bank in the hope they will see sense. Three months will make very little difference to what we owe and our mortgage arrears, and I would have thought it would make more sense for the bank to show a little leniency, but they've chosen not to.
There are other options open to us but I'm hoping we can avoid them and with the help of the CAB come to some agreement for the next three months.

Despite the worries with the bank, I seem to be holding up quite well. I've been on a 'high' for a few weeks now which has enabled me to produce a lot of documentation for the group. Whatever chemical that keeps my mood in the right place seems to be topped-up at the moment. I wish I knew what keeps it regulated.

As I'm typing this, I hear on BBC Radio 5 that the last typewriter to be produced in the UK will be in Wrexham by Brother. The electric typewriter is being given to the Science Museum. How sad it is that something that revolutionised the way we communicated has been relegated to a display cabinet in a museum. I still feel determined for my son to have one.

Finally a little tip for motorists at this time of year. Do take a few minutes to check your tyre pressure. I did and found to my amazement that each front tyre was 10 PSI lower than they should have been. Now that I've corrected this, steering is feather-light and more importantly, we are saving fuel!

You're not all bad, BBC

I imagine to many it would seem pretty odd to be heaping praise on the BBC given the 'crisis' that has befallen it and its current standing in British society. I do though feel I should thank them for a excellent hour of broadcasting this morning between 9 and 10am on Radio 5. The programme was on the subject of Schizophrenia and did more for awareness of this condition than any campaign has managed to date. The calls from sufferers and the families of sufferers provided a personal lived perspective and did so much to dispel some of the myth, rumour and stigma associated with this most debilitating mental illness.
So well done BBC, you're not all bad and most appropriate that such a broadcast is made on what is today the 90th anniversary of the BBC's first radio transmission.

The Fourth Utility & Being On-Hold

I've been without Internet service between 10am and 3pm today. I say 'Internet Service' rather than Broadband or ADSL as it was the service at fault rather the actual ADSL connection to the exchange. I know this as I know what to look for, plus of course my router tells me what's gone wrong. It is therefore so thoroughly frustrating and stressful when I am forced to report a fault to my provider TalkTalk (formerly Pipex). It should be noted that up until a couple of years ago when Pipex was swallowed-up by the TalkTalk / Carphone Warehouse empire, I had had not one single problem with my service.
TalkTalk insist on using an Indian based call centre. When you question them, they tell you they are in Delhi but they very cleverly make sure they know what's going on here including the weather conditions so they can have anyone believe they are in the same country. The people in Delhi are trained to ask a pre-set list of questions separated by the odd pleasantry. This is so frustrating, especially when I know what the problem is. The diagnostic tests are unnecessary and a waste of time. I can see the exchange, I have ADSL so the fault is at your end, not mine. The only thing that stops them and makes them begin to treat me as an IT professional of 15+ years is when I tell them I am 'ex BT'. This is the only way to get them to break away from their lists and diagnostic checks. They seem to recognise this. It is code to switch them from normal mode to expert mode, and it works for me every time. A word of advice though, if you are going to use this ploy then I'd suggest reading up on the terminology used by engineers including a basic description of how your local telephone exchange works. It does work though.
How strange it was then that mid-call, my Internet service suddenly sprang back to life... The router at Talk Talk Network Centre was doing its job once again and negotiating successfully with my Internet routing request bounced across the network from my little exchange here at Gedney Drove End. A little more than just coincidence me thinks. More likely to be someone spotting that a router had tripped or a repeater was down. I'm back and running once more. My withdrawal symptoms are receding and I feel connected once again. My relationship with TalkTalk has once again been stretched to near breaking point. Four hours without Internet service is not good, not in 2012. I should change provider, I know I should. But the effort and stress involved in doing so is preventing me from doing it. I know how much hassle is involved, and so do the providers. That's why they make it so difficult to switch. Once they have you, they pretty much know you'll stay with them no matter the service you receive. This is of course bad, very bad but is true of all main utilities. The industry needs to change and switching can be made so much easier, but it's not in the providers interest so they don't bother. I simply couldn't cope with being without my Internet services for up to a week. I'm far too addicted to my instant news, information and mail.

Finally, I'm afraid it's also Santander's turn for a moan. I have to call them each month around this time to pay a little off a loan I have with them. I was unable to make my contractual payments so I have an arrangement with them to pay a little each month. Rather than let me pay using Internet Banking, a swift, safe and guaranteed method used my millions, they insist I call and pay using my debit card. This is always a stressful process for me and it's a relief when I can pay them without being reminded of how heavily in debt I am with them and how bad I have been in falling ill and daring to default. I begrudgingly accept I have to do this each month but can I please request that they change their on-hold music. It is bloody awful and can only have one intention of causing maximum stress to the caller.
A short audio clip will appear here once I've worked out how to add it!

A Fine Course & A Broken BBC

A bit to catch up on in this post. My last week has been pretty good. I attended a Mental Health First Aid training course in Louth Thursday and Friday along with one of my support group colleagues. It was my first time in Louth since accidentally visiting it a few years ago in a desperate search for petrol one night. We were staying in Mablethorpe at the time.
The course was excellent. It was delivered by two of the finest mental health experts I know - Linda O'Hara and Jean Westcott. It covered every aspect of mental health first aid - the differing types of illness, causes, symptoms and treatments. They did very well to cram everything into two days and I found the course to be the most informative I have attended to date.
The attendees were made up of professionals, sufferers and parents - a real mix. During the introductions, the group found out that I help run a support group and this attracted considerable interest. I was reminded once again of the shortage of support services throughout the county. As a result, I was approached by two of the attendees - the first were parents who's son suffers with mental health problems. He is keen to find a support group in the area. The other is a chap who has served in the RAF for more than thirty years. He suffers PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and severe mental health problems. He too is keen to attend a support group, and doesn't mind travelling. I'm sure he will fit in very well, and I am confident the group will be able to provide the support and comfort he seeks.
We learnt a great deal, including how the government spending cuts are impacting on mental health services. It was worrying to hear that the Crisis Response Teams are only able to attend situations between the hours of 9-5 Monday to Friday. Anyone having a crisis outside of these times will have to wait until the service is next available. How terrible... I can honestly see a situation soon where trained volunteers will be required to provide these much needed services, much in the same way that David Cameron wishes to have a million trained Dementia Volunteers in the next couple of years to spot the early signs of Dementia.
It is very sad that the real sufferers of the government's spending cuts are those who most need the services that are being restricted and at worst, withdrawn completely. The cumulative effect can only be to increase fear and suffering, increase the risk of self-harm amongst the vulnerable, and increase further the number of needless suicides attributed to government health and welfare policy.
I nearly forgot to mention that we also came away from the course with our very first group fundraiser. She is the mother of a son who suffers, and she told me that she had decided to redirect all her fund raising activities to supporting our group. How wonderful and how kind that someone I hadn't met before has chosen to do this.

On the subject of Blue Skies, we now have our draft constitution which I need to edit slightly. We need this in order to open a bank account next week so we can deposit our funds and provide an account for any funding bid monies to be paid into. I'm not sure yet as the the position I will occupy on the Committee. I believe we need at least five committee members and we are required to meet regularly, similar to the way in which companies and CIC's operate. I should be in a better position to know what my duties and responsibilities will be next week.
I came away from the MHFA course with a load of leaflets and booklets on a broad range of mental health subjects. The information in them is very good so I have decided to set up a small library of documents and booklets available to the group. For the time being, it will need to be a mobile library that can be carried to each session. This will compliment what I already have available on my site.

I have to mention the crisis affecting the BBC. I do so as I'm actually quite fond of it and value greatly the quality and range of programming it makes available.
What is very clear to me is that a systemic failure has led to serious errors being made. The resignation of George Entwistle has been unavoidable given the lack of basic management that led to a film being shown accusing a senior public figure of one of the worst possible crimes. This film was shortly after transmission found to be wholly inaccurate and it beggars belief that such a film could have been shown unchecked and without being passed by someone in a senior management position. If I had been DG, I would certainly have requested that anything as high profile be shown to me first together with the supporting evidence. This clearly did not happen and I suspect George Entwistle won't be the last to fore go his position.
It really is so sad to see such an esteemed organisation as the BBC left open to such criticism and distrust, especially when the mistakes appear to be so rudimentary and basic. The live radio grilling by John Humphreys played a huge part in the events that led to Entwistle's resignation last night. It made for painful listening and it was clear that the damage caused by the on air mauling had been pretty massive.
Someone needs to take a firm hold of the BBC rudder to restore public confidence and instill a renewed code of ethics and editorial control.

Bug Free

Today I finally feel free of the bug that's taken me over these last four days. It has taken a long time to recover and even when I felt OK, the symptoms would return, as they did most of last night. I'm beginning to doubt as to whether I did contract Norovirus. Although the symptoms are identical, I'm inclined to believe I may have suffered severe food poisoning. I'm still at a loss though to know where I actually caught it, as I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary last week.
I can honestly say that whatever it was, I felt awful. The stomach cramps and continuous nausea were by far the worst symptoms which would continue well into the night. I am so glad to finally be free of it.

I now feel I'm back to 'normal service'. I attended my support group this morning at which we had a guest volunteer, studying for a PhD in Psychology. It was hit or miss at to whether I would attend. I felt ever so weak and not quite with it, but in the end it went well and I'm glad I made the effort (and it was an effort!).
I find myself now having to catch up on things. I've been detached for the last four days and I need to bring myself up to date with things.
This coming Thursday and Friday, I am attending a course in Louth with one of my colleagues. It's on the subject of Mental Health First Aid and it has been booked for some time. Despite this, I'm struggling to locate any course details so at the moment I have no idea of the venue, except for it being in Louth. I do know it starts at 10am so I won't have to leave too early, thank goodness.

Tomorrow, the US (and the rest of the World) will know if President Obama has another four years in office or whether Mitt Romney will be beginning his first term as the world's most powerful leader. The news is full of coverage from correspondents speculating the outcome. At the moment, the suggestion is that Obama has a slight lead and I personally would be very surprised if Obama is replaced. I'm not that concerned who wins, but I am reminded of Ronald Reagan each time I look at Mitt Romney, and with that my worries that he could develop similar policies to those we saw during the 1980's.

My Moodscope rating has taken a slight dip, given my recent state of health, but today I scored a respectable 64%. Not bad.

The first bug of the Winter

It's been a few days since my last post. There's a reason for this - I've been rather poorly. I have been visited by Norovirus, one of the worst illnesses I've ever known. Quite where I contracted it, I do not know though it's likely to be from a door handle or infected surface as is normally the case with this bug - it is highly infectious. I've had it once before, during our honeymoon cruise, and had to be confined to our cabin for three days whilst we visited Iceland. Sadly this doesn't grant you everlasting immunity. It was bad then but at least the ship's medical crew were able to swiftly administer an injection to my backside that made me sleep for two of the three days we were confined. This time round, there was no injection and no visit to the doctor. There is no choice but to ride it out. 

Anyone who has has Norovirus will be acutely aware of its effects and I won't go into any detail in this post, suffice to say that they are not nice. There is plenty of information available online for the curious.

Once past the worst stages, one finds oneself battling extreme fatigue and the most basic tasks are a monumental effort. I am fighting the urge to return to bed as I type this now.

I hope this is the first (and last) bug of this Winter, as I really think I've had more than my fair share!

The first weekend of the Winter

Winter is here and I've decided I want to get my son a typewriter for Christmas. This may sound odd, but I had a typewriter at a very young age and it was by using it that I learnt how to spell. I don't wish for him to have anything too big or complicated, just a simple portable model that he can learn on. I recall I used to copy large sections from books and as I came across a word I didn't know the meaning of, I would look it up. It was by using a typewriter that I learnt how to type letters and how to arrange them so they looked professional.
I don't want to force my son down this route. He has expressed an interest in having one and learning to use one and maybe he will become as enthusiastic as I did when I was his age. It would be nice if perhaps from this he began to be interested in words and their meanings. It's worth a try. After all, a typewriter isn't expensive - there are literally hundreds of them on eBay for as little as £10 or £20.

Friday last week and I was training again, this time in Lincoln at Involve in Mint Lane. I was with one of my group colleagues who drove us there for a 9.30 start. Although the course was on the subject of mental health, it was difficult (and still is) to understand exactly what the course is about. So far, we have looked at ways in which we can support ourselves personally if we are affected with Anxiety or Depression related mental illness. There are only two others attending the course so it's a jolly good job we turned up! The second part of the course is this coming Friday. So far the course has been unique.
We were invited to join the Renew Group who hold their gatherings at Involve - so we both joined which means we are now able to make use of their facilities as and when we wish. Being a similar type of support group ourselves, it was useful to become affiliated with them and I'm sure good things will come from it.

Earlier today I discovered a rather nice photograph in my parent's kitchen. It had appeared over the last week and it is one I hadn't seen before. It shows my mother, father, my nan and granddad and their daughter in law at Hastings on the East Sussex Coast. It was clearly taken sometime in the 1960's at a spot I'm quite familiar with. The quality of the photograph is excellent so I took a copy straight away.

The hairstyles are quite wonderful and clearly of a different era!

In the news, the Jimmy Savile scandal continues to steal the headlines and this morning, Paul Gadd (aka Gary Glitter) was arrested as part of the police investigation into abuse allegations. I'm pretty sure he won't be the last and it is probably of little surprise that he's been the first.
In the US, the presidential election approaches and with it a huge storm which is bearing down on the East Coast. There is a possibility that Hurricane Sandy will hit New York in the next few days and preparations are being made for the worst should it come.

It is half term and my son has a whole week off school. He had his Harvest Festival on Thursday at our church in Dawsmere. It was very well attended and like last year, we were entertained with a selection of readings and songs performed by the children. This year, the harvest gifts were presented to Agape Food Bank Spalding, a clear indication of the struggle facing many families in the current economic climate.

My mental health has been steady for a couple of weeks now. Today I scored on Moodscope 62% which is my highest recorded so far. The graph clearly shows a steady increase in my mood but it's difficult to know what has caused it. I suspect that my being discharged from CBT has something to do with lowering my anxiety levels. I used to worry constantly about the next session and it really wasn't doing me any good. I'm careful not to over analyse things as this can cause a shift in mood. I'm just making the most of it while it lasts.

Finally, the clocks changed last night and we are now in Greenwich Mean Time. Everything feels a little odd. I've just glanced at my office clock and it says 5.45. Outside, it is getting quite dark but I've realised I haven't put my clock back an hour! Arrrrggghhh!!! Why can't they leave them alone?!

I would like...

A Google Chromebook please...

This time of year...

I have for a long time believed that the weather has a direct effect on a person's mental health. Having said that, I've always doubted to what extent I am affected by it.
This week, the weather has been pretty awful. It has been damp, grey and misty. The roads, especially around here, are covered in mud making any attempt to maintain a clean car utterly futile. Anyone suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) will be finding it particularly difficult. I know people who live in dread of the Winter months. Light boxes go some way to lessen the effects and many insist on keeping lights on day and night. It's how they cope.
For me, the current weather conditions do certainly impact on my mood, though I couldn't say by how much. There is an enormous difference between feeling simply down and missing the sun to feeling the effects of clinical depression and the crippling despair that this brings. There is seldom ever a unique trigger that sets off a bout of depression. I suspect it is normally a combination of things that contribute to creating a chemical imbalance. Once started, the effects of the imbalance are impossible to reverse - one just has to ride it out and hope it doesn't last too long.
People I know suffer this condition. I see when they are on a high and I see them when they are at their lowest. There is nothing I can do to lessen the effects or make them feel better. I can only empathise with them. I understand what they are going through.
There are others I know who find the change from long warm Summer days to shorter colder Winter days difficult to cope with. Often sports and other recreational activities with friends are curtailed until the following season and hours normally occupied in such pursuits are instead spent alone. It is very easy to become low and despondent. Add to this Seasonal Affective Disorder and this can be a tough time for many.

A Day of change & a damned culture

It feels like a day of change today. This morning we welcomed two new members to our support group. Both are unique and bring their own problems and experiences. I am reminded of just how diverse society is.  It is very easy to get used to people, those you see regularly and interact with. New people bring fresh insight and dynamics, and it is interesting to see the new connections being made between the new and old members of the group. Change can be good, but it can feel odd.

Weather today has been pretty miserable. It's still very misty, but quite mild. My drive to Spalding this morning was peppered with countless mindless idiots who don't understand when they should use the bright shiny lights on the front of their cars. Another (blue Vauxhall Cavalier driver) even thought it would be great to overtake anything in front of him, at speed and without indication. In a changing world, one thing seems to remain constant - the driving skills and behaviour of South Holland road users. Rant over.

I see that Ceefax will be switched off tonight at 11.30pm when Northern Ireland's remaining analogue TV signal is powered down for good. It's amazing to read that Ceefax has been around for 38 years and how at its peak in the 1990's, 20 million viewers regularly used the service, relying on it for their news headlines, weather forecasts and and sports results - all in a simple though blocky format.

The Jimmy Savile scandal is still very much in the news and continues to dominate the headlines. George Entwistle appeared before MP's earlier today to explain why the Newsnight report into the original allegations had been dropped. I like many do find his explanation a little difficult to understand and I question why he was not in the least bit curious as to why the report had been cancelled. I find it very hard to believe that a person in his position would not want to know why, or enquire at the very least into what the report was about.
I do feel that although obviously the person at the centre of the allegations and investigations is Jimmy Savile, what we are also investigating and to some extent blaming, is an entire era and its culture. It seems to me that it is not just the actions of an individual, but a culture that allowed for such actions to take place and go unreported for so long. I cannot believe that no one else knew. One only has to watch an edition of 'Top of the Pops' from the 1970's to see young girls literally falling all over the presenters. Other programmes of the era record over-familiarity between presenters and audience members. There is a stark physical element to many - arms around shoulders and waists, embraces and touching - that today simply would not happen. It would be judged as assault, pure and simple. The culture then was totally different to the culture of today, and it is the culture then that played an important part in allowing the abuse to take place. We judge that period by the standards of today. Yes it was wrong, very wrong but the culture and the society of the 1970's allowed it and expected to see it - a few hours of TV from the period is evidence enough.

My Moodscope rating is 33% today, pretty good.