A Wonderful Rainbow

I have not long returned from Andrew Harrison's funeral at Nocton in Lincolnshire. I was struck by the huge number of people who attended, I counted 200 in front of me and there must have been a similar number behind. Some of them I knew, and others I didn't, but all had been touched by Andrew in some way during his life. The emotion was real and raw and the enormity of Andrew's loss was etched on the faces of all present.
The service was brief and alternative, in keeping with Andrew's wishes. The coffin was decorated with a rainbow pattern, in keeping with his alter ego, 'Captain Rainbow'. Everything was tastefully done and the applause given by those gathered whilst the coffin was lowered into the ground was fitting and appropriate.
It felt strangely wrong to walk away but I had an overwhelming sense that we were all off to carry on the great work Andrew had done until his passing. I feel confident he would wish us to carry on.
The drive home was solemn I discussed with my colleague how we could affiliate ourselves more closely with SHINE. This is something we are determined to do.
Something rather extraordinary happened as we neared Gedney. A wonderful bright orange sunset appeared behind us, where we had come from and in front of us was the arch of a wonderful rainbow. I looked at my colleague and said 'That's Andrew's work... He's done that'. My colleague smiled and told me she was about to say exactly the same thing.
Farewell Andrew. Thanks and rest in peace.

A Tough Week

It's been a tough week. When someone you know dies, it throws you into a state of flux. When they take their own life, it fills you with a lot of different emotions. As well as feeling sad and distressed at his loss, I found myself feeling very angry, angry that it could have happened and angry that all the good work that he had done and the projects he had planned were now gone. I kept playing over in my mind how he could have been feeling and what led him to do it. Was the problem so great that there was no solution? Could anyone have helped prevent it? Perhaps he just wanted to go, no matter how much help and support was on offer. Perhaps he'd simply had enough and just didn't want to go on. Maybe we'll never know.
The void left by Andrew's death is huge. So many people knew him, from NHS executive through to support groups and mental health sufferers. For many he was their champion, someone who campaigned tirelessly for greater understanding and better services. Many have remarked how, if it hadn't been for Andrew, they wouldn't be here today. Andrew's legacy will live on through the people he has touched and the campaign he started. It will be up to the people Andrew knew to continue the good work he started and the various support groups to promote this work through training, awareness and fund raising.
Andrew's funeral is being held on Friday 7th December at Nocton Wood Burial Site, Lincoln. I will be attending with one of my support group colleagues on behalf of Blue Skies.

The week started quite badly with a visit to the bank, practically pleading with them to extend the arrangement we have with them for another three months to March next year, when the interest rate drops to 3.9% (we are currently on a fixed rate of 6.9%). Sadly, despite our pleas, the bank decided not to be as helpful as they could have been and as a result, we have had to seek the help once more of the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They have, as expected, been brilliant. They have written to the bank on our behalf in an attempt to make them see sense and I hope that we'll hear some good news soon. The alternative is a fine each month, harassing phone calls at all hours, and threatening letters. We were told by the adviser at the bank to expect this. This is despite being told by my wife of my poor mental health. The problem with banks, particularly the large ones, is that exceptions cannot be made for customers with specific needs. Unless you fit into one of their boxes, they don't want to know. Your circumstances trigger computer generated letters and harassing telephone calls from faceless call centres. They don't know you, they don't know your situation and they don't know how to deviate from the script in front of them or stuck to the side of their little partitioned cubicle. They don't care. It's not as if we're asking the earth, we're not - just three months leniency until we're able to take advantage of the new lower interest rate.
It's far to say that this is having a bearing on my mental state. I do worry about it constantly and if anything is going to drag me back down in the coming weeks, it is this.

I've been more busy than ever this last week with preparations for our funding bid application from the Mental Illness Prevention Fund. On Monday, I spend several hours going through the application at a colleague's place. Since then, I've been constantly updating things especially costs as we think up new items to add to the list. We're already at over £3,000!
On Tuesday, we visited the bank to start our application for a bank account. Whilst there, the bank manager opened up to us about her daughter, who suffers mental illness. In fact we spent most of the one hour appointment talking about this. The relief at having found a local support group was palpable. I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. Mental illness is everywhere. I was so glad that we'd been able to help and it was reassuring to know that we had the support of our bank manager!

Thursday was particularly stressful and I found myself feeling quite emotionally drained. Our members are in need, that is why they attend the group. The company of others, particularly those who understand and who have lived experience of their illness, is important to them. For many, they simply wouldn't get out of bed if they didn't have the group. Sadly, several were in a distressed state and in greater need of our support than normal. It is very sad to see them this way and I feel frustrated at not being able to help more. I've seen what desperation does and I'm doubly keen to ensure we offer all the support we can when it is needed and an assurance that it is there when it is not. To further the types of support we are able to offer, I would very much like for us to be trained in counselling skills. I have been asked for counselling and it would be great if we were able to offer this. For some the thought of having to see a 'professional' is very off-putting and it is very important that our members feel comfortable and at ease.

A difficult visit to my parent's this morning. I felt like a caged animal. I do whenever I'm with family. They don't talk to me (perhaps they don't know what to say to someone with mental illness), and I feel quite ostracised. The longer I'm there, the worse I feel. Paranoia soon sets in and I become anxious about what they are thinking and saying about me. It is horrible, I feel terrible and it's a situation I always try to avoid. Of course they don't understand and I get comments like 'you're not talking very much' and 'cat got your tongue?'. The people I work with do, they more than understand. They go through it every day, the same feelings just like me. I'm so glad I know them and I would be lost without them.

The weather is once again in the news. As I type this, I see that two people have so far lost their lives due to flooding and falling trees. It is worse in the West where flooding is the main problem due to burst rivers and breached defences. There was a time when flooding on this scale would have been a singular event and treated as a major crisis. Nowadays, it is all too common. Flooding is becoming a regular occurrence and it is becoming more and more difficult to accept those who claim that our weather patterns are not changing. It is clear that our weather is worsening and those living in flood hit areas of the country should expect more and more events such as those we have witnessed this week.

Andrew Harrison

A couple of hours ago, I learnt that Andrew Harrison of SHINE died Monday afternoon. Many will know him as 'Captain Rainbow' after his AOL email address.
Andrew had suffered with mental health issues for many years and used to work in the NHS until his illness forced early retirement. He decided to devote his time and energy to promoting mental health awareness and lobbied the NHS and health professionals regularly to provide funding and better care for the growing numbers of sufferers throughout Lincolnshire. Andrew did a lot of good work for a lot of people and there will be many this evening who will be shocked and distraught at his early death.
I had met Andrew a few weeks ago when I attended a course he was running at Renew+ in Lincoln with one of my colleagues. I came away in no doubt that Andrew was passionate about mental health, and though a little eccentric, he knew all there was to know on the subject. I was glad that we had had the opportunity to meet him and had begun to form connections between the SHINE Network and our group in South Holland. By working together, I was convinced we could do good things and extend the support we provide to a larger number of people.
It is so sad to think that someone who trained others to look after themselves and spot the signs of depression and mental illness, surrounded by so many supportive people, has himself decided to end his life. It is a reminder that mental illness can take the ultimate toll on anyone, even the best trained and best informed. Andrew's death is an enormous loss to the campaign for better mental health awareness and the fight against the path of destruction this government has set for the NHS and mental health services. I just hope that SHINE and the countless other organisations Andrew was involved with continue his work and maintain the fight for the growing number of people affected by mental illness.

I have sent a message of condolence on behalf of my support group, Blue Skies. Our thoughts and prayers are with Andrew's family, friends and colleagues at this tragic time.

RIP Andrew.

Involve@Lincoln have a dedicated page on Facebook where messages can be read and left;

www.facebook.com/pages/incolvelincoln

There is an Andrew Harrison Memorial site where messages of condolence can be left;
http://andrewmemorial.posterous.com/