Our Bloody Roads

It's an odd day today. It doesn't feel as if it fits in. I know it is Friday but it doesn't feel like it. We're in that bit in between Christmas and the New Year. Some people are back at work whilst others have cleverly booked the remainder of the year off, returning to work on January the 3rd or if they are lucky, the 7th.

I woke this morning to news of yet another tragedy to occur on our roads. This time it involved a car leaving the A47 near Walsoken en route to Wisbech yesterday evening. Somehow the car ended up on its side in a ditch and the accident claimed the lives of two young sisters, 7 and 10 from Sutton Bridge, not far from where I live here. Again we are reminded of just how dangerous our roads are. It is not known what caused the accident, but my belief that we have the most dangerous roads (and drivers) in the UK, here in Lincolnshire is strengthened by this latest incident. You really only need drive a few miles to witness some of the most appalling driving habits and risk taking. Poor driving skill is endemic throughout Lincolnshire, particularly in the most rural parts such as here in South Holland where roads are long, speed limits are higher and where police are scarce.

This month will certainly remembered for road tragedies. Earlier today I called my colleague to see how she was following her accident yesterday entering the center of Spalding. Her car too ended up on its side and it is amazing thats he managed to escape with just a few bruises. It is not known how the accident occurred though she claims to have blacked-out. How fortunate that it occurred where it did in a 30 mph zone and not on the busy A17 where cars and lorries hurtle along at 60 mph.

A few ore days of this holiday feeling and then my attention must turn to my role within our support group and creating a database of members' contact details. We should also hear around the 21st January if we have been successful in our bid for funding. Something else I aim to do is to apply for work with a company I stumbled across a couple of weeks ago, Silver Training. They provide in-home tutoring for people who want to learn more about their computers and those who want to install new printers and other peripherals. It is all stuff I have done in the past and maybe it will provide a worthwhile income which could help us immensely.

Another test of my anxiety is coming up tomorrow. We are having tea at my in-laws for a few hours from 4pm. I'm beginning to worry a little about it now. I know I shouldn't but it is a spontaneous reaction I have over which I have very little or no control. At least I can escape into the garden if things get too bad. I've done pretty well over Christmas. Despite is being just the three of us for most of the time, there was the odd occasion when I needed to be sociable, but I did seem to manage quite well.
Looking at my right hand, I am reminded of how bad things can get, particularly if I feel trapped. In a way it's good as it provides a kind of benchmark by which I judge other difficult situations. I don't know if I'm getting better at controlling my anxiety. I prefer to think that I am better at judging and avoiding situations where I could become anxious. I'm hoping it will go OK tomorrow.

Seeing Santa on the North Norfolk Railway

Today we took our Son to see Santa on the North Norfolk Railway. This has become something of a regular December event and it's something we really enjoy. My in-laws very kindly paid for all of  us to go this year and drove us there and back, so we didn't really have to pay for anything. Although I'm very grateful, I still feel an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment at not being able to contribute anything. The feelings were so acute this morning that I had what can only be described as an anxiety attack on the way there. My coping mechanism this time was to scratch at my wrist and right hand. I'd already cut my arm again the day previous after a bout of depression. Anyone who self harms will tell you that it is something they have to do to cope with a situation and that it actually makes them feel better. It is something they need to so. For me, it does seem to work. On this occasion, it was a reaction to being extremely anxious, wanting to be somewhere else and feeling judged. I felt really uncomfortable and trapped.

It wasn't until we boarded the train that my anxiety began to lift. My wife had sensed how I was feeling and did her best to calm me. The atmosphere was festive and there was much going on to take my mind off my feelings. We each (adults) received a very nice home made mince pie and a very nice sherry. The children received some chocolate and a soft drink.
As normal, the train was full. This is a very popular event on the NNR's calendar and clearly a major source of income for them. The train staff, all volunteers, really pulled out all the stops and made the journey to Weybourne very enjoyable with a mix of songs, balloon modelling and juggling.
At Weybourne, Santa and his elves greeted the train as it entered the station. This produced excited squeals amongst the children and it's always something I look forward to. I simply love the look on my Son's face and it makes me wish he didn't have to grow older.
Families left the train to see Santa a coach at a time, which was good as we didn't have to stand in the cold. The train was actually very warm. The vintage steam heating system was working very well.

The walk through to see Santa is a pleasant experience. There are displays to keep the children interested and it is well heated. Santa's grotto is very well done. It is clear to see the time and effort that goes into making this event happen each year, and the quality is excellent. There were real coal fires everywhere, including in Santa's grotto which really added to the scene perfectly. Santa was as always superb and our Son was given his gift and asked what he wanted for Christmas, to which he replied 'a bow and arrow'. Quite where he developed this fascination for archery from, I really don't know, and I could tell Santa was rather taken aback by his request.
A walk up and down the station and a few more photos and we were soon back on the train and in a few minutes were heading back to Sherringham, Santa and his elves waving frantically as the train pulled out of the station.
Once again, I have nothing but praise for the NNR and their merry band of volunteer staff. Without their enthusiasm each year, this event couldn't happen and it was good to see them getting involved in the festive fun as much as the parents and children. A huge thanks to them and a recommendation to anyone who wishes for an enjoyable trip by train to see Santa. It's a bonus if you have kids!
Well done again North Norfolk Railway... We'll see you again next year!

My Son's Away Day

My son is off to London tomorrow. It' his first visit and he's really excited about seeing the sights and a long ride on the train. He'll have a great time. I am though slightly put out that it won't be his parents taking him. I've written about this before, my in-law's generosity. They do the things that my wife and I can't afford to. Of course that's fine and a lot of the places they go to on holiday would never appeal to me at all. But when it
involves my son, I'm just made to feel useless and a bad father. I would love to see my son's face as he stares up at Big Ben or walks across Tower Bridge. I just wish I had the money to spend on a trip to London. But I don't and once again I am indebted to my in-laws for doing the things I should be.

We have had a hosepipe ban imposed on us today. It's not just us, but most of the south-east of the UK as far as Yorkshire. We are now officially in a drought and must begin using water sparingly. If we don't then we are told we will face a crisis resulting in further restrictions and rationing. I'm not actually a hosepipe user. I use a watering can in the garden filled from a water butt that collects rain from the downpipes. It is currently full following the heavy rain yesterday and should last about a week.

Waking the Dead

A very bold and stark title granted, but this explains quite well a visit this afternoon to my parent's with my son. Just what is it with donning a dressing gown and slippers at 4pm? Is this an age thing? One things for sure, it irritates me, a lot,especially when I have to wait an eternity in the freezing cold for one of them to finally emerge and unlock the bloody front door. Abject misery would sum up our visit. I felt obliged as it had been two weeks since they had seen my son and my mother in particular will make a point at every opportunity to remind me of how long it's been since she last saw him. Of course two weeks is made to feel like a month or two and despite my reminding them of this fact, they will still claim that he's grown a foot in height or developed an advanced vocabulary. I know they are fond of my son and I'm keen for them to see him as often as possible. The fact is that they don't drive so it is incumbent upon me to take him to them. It irritates me hugely that they don't bother to call or make any effort whatsoever to visit. They would sooner fester in misery. Is it any wonder then that I feel so depressed at every visit? It's hard to describe the hard done by welcome we receive. It's something that frustrates my wife enormously and I know that her absence from our visit this week was duly noted. They know she isn't impressed with them, probably in the same way I don't respect my in-laws for their 'black and white' attitude to life and lack of understanding when it comes to my illness. I expect there are relationships like this the world over and that this is not an exceptional case.I wonder...

Woes

My wife left for work in the car this morning for the final time. She

will be taking it to the mechanic tonight with her dad and we're hoping

he'll give us something to take it off our hands. It's all very sad. I

hate to see a car go. It's over ten years old and holds so many

memories for us. If it was in any way possible, we'd keep it, but there

simply isn't the money.

To compound things, my in-laws are blaming me for what's gone on. They

don't say so much in words, but I know what they think and I know they

blame me for the dire financial situation we're in. They are forking

out the money for a replacement car, but it is clear to me that they

don't wish to involve me so I am keeping well out of it. It is there

money and until we can pay them back - which won't be until April at

present - it will be their car. I don't even want to drive it. It's

purpose is to get my wife to and from work. I will somehow find a way

to manage with the bus. It does run to here even though we're remote

but it's one of those services you need to book well in advance. It

doesn't run to any kind of timetable but it is supposed to meet the

main services to Spalding and King's Lynn. I really don't mind using it

provided I don't end up stranded anywhere for too long.

All this has sent me into a major bout of depression, the worst I have

known in a long time. I lack energy and enthusiasm and in the evenings

I just want to go to bed. I also lack any appetite for food and frankly

typing this has taken every ounce of my will power.

I called my Mum last night to tell her the car would be going this

evening. It means that she too will have to rely entirely on the bus

service as I used to see her on a Friday and take her into town every

Saturday morning. I also won't be able to visit my dear friend to help

with his model railway layout. This has always been my escape and

refuge from the stresses and strains of life currently. It was a place

where I could think and feel almost free from everything. They'll

understand I'm sure.

I will certainly be steering well clear of my in-laws. I was to have

gone with them tonight to hand over the car, but I really don't feel

like being anywhere near them. I know what they think and how they feel

about me. The way they are with me speaks volumes and I just wish so

much to be able to tell them all where to go. They have absolutely no

understanding of what I've been through, and continue to have to deal

with on a near daily basis. They will never understand and will remain

ignorant. I just wish that some kind of good fortune would come our way

so we can no longer have to be dependent on others, especially them. I

hate the fact that we've had to borrow money from them. I really hate

it. Something has to change.

At odds with my in-laws

I think I have hinted at the fact that my in-laws have a very dim view of me. This hasn't always been the case. Back at the start when I was a high-flying executive, I couldn't have put a foot wrong. I was their golden boy and they were so proud of the fact that I would turn up in my flash car wearing a suit... It's only since I had my breakdown and decided on a totally new career path that their view of me has changed. I'm now the 'black sheep' of the family. I am derided as I have refused to work in the local factory to bring in some money and they are certain my illness was just an excuse for being lazy.
Things went a bit further this evening as my wife remarked that I do nothing to help my image with my in-laws. Apparently I hadn't joined them in the lounge when I had called to collect my son. The truth is I actually find it very difficult to be in their company. I know they talk about be when I'm not there and they love to gossip about how I do nothing to support my wife and son. Yes, we're in a financial mess (who isn't nowadays?), but I did work bloody hard for 15 years, earning a lot of money so I could insure us against the worst of it. We could be in a far greater mess. I suspect also that my determination to gain my PCV license also riles them. The truth is our backgrounds are completely different. They have been used to taking the first job that's offered and suffering it for a tiny wage. I on the other hand have been used to a lengthy career on the IT ladder finally reaching the top three years ago.

My new career choice is one I have longed to do for many years. I do so wish I had pursued it earlier but I had become 'trapped' - well comfortable - in my IT career and to be honest the money was good. Part of the problem is the fact it's taken such a bloody long time for me to get where I want to be. My first attempt at completing my training was scuppered by the training company after they stole my money. I'm now trying to raise the funds required to try again. I'm nearly there - I have the court trying to get my money back and I have also requested a loan. I'm hopeful I will hear something from both of them next week. As soon as I have the funds, I will book my course and I'll be behind the wheel of a coach driving round Peterborough.

The problems with my in-laws actually serve to make me more determined to prove to them that I can both drive a bus or coach and enjoy my work at the same time. I'm not happy with my current situation and each day I long for things to be different. But knowing how they feel about me has really started to make me quite angry, so much so that I did tell my wife that I didn't care what they thought and that I'll never do anything right by them. I could happily avoid them though I know this will be difficult to do. I feel very uncomfortable in their presence. I know I shouldn't but I feel as if I no longer know them. My wife will hate this but it's how I feel...