Sunshine and Remembering the Shoah

How nice it is to wake to sunshine. OK, it's not anywhere near Summer weather but it is a huge difference compared to the arctic weather we have had over the last few weeks. It feels good sitting here in my office typing this as the sun shines through my glazed doors warming my back and neck.
As I take a cursory glance over this morning's news stories, I am reminded that it is Holocaust Memorial Day here in the UK. My thoughts turn to the horrors of the concentration camps and the fear and terror of those millions of persecuted human beings who were inflicted the most evil of crimes during the Second World War. The effects of the sunshine this morning soon pale into nothing as I try to imagine the overwhelming sense of fear and terror felt by so many of all ages herded into ghettos and sent on cattle trains to spend their final days in such places we today know as Treblinka, Buchenwald and Auschwitz.
A good few years ago, I decided to discover for myself all I could about the atrocities committed during the Second World War. I hadn't been taught very much at school about the period and the little I did know had come from films I had seen in the form of Schindler's List and the odd documentary. Although the Internet was evolving, I did manage to find out about the Shoah Foundation and the amazing work they were doing in recording and preserving the testimonies of those who had lived through the period and witnessed the horrors committed by the Nazi's against Jewish people and those of different faiths, backgrounds and ideologies.

It didn't take very long for me to be convinced that the things I had heard were true and watching the heart wrenching testimonials of those who had lost parents, brothers, sisters, wives and husbands, left me in no doubt that as many people should know as much about what had happened as possible.
As a father, I wonder whether it will be left to me to provide my son with the answers to what really went on during this dark period in our 'recent' history. I do hope it isn't simply glossed over by his schooling and that he understands that as well as all the great things we have achieved, humankind can be destructive and evil.
I suspect, and hope, that he will someday mention that he is studying this period at school and I know I will have the confidence to talk to him about the events in our history that so many would rather choose to forget.

Too Much to Expect I Suppose...

This Friday starts with a moan unfortunately. Is it really too much to expect the refuse collectors of South Holland District Council to remove this instead of simply driving round it to be left to become a hazard for other motorists?

Just a little more effort and dare I say pride in the work they do is all that's needed. Come Christmas, no doubt they will bemoan they haven't had a tip. Perhaps they should ask themselves why.

Thinking-Up Titles

I did think we would have to call off today's Group meeting as so few were able to attend. A combination of things were responsible for this morning's low turn-out and it was left to myself and two other group members to make the most of the time we had in the relative warmth and convenience of our venue.
Despite there being just the three of us, we did manage to while away the time talking about various issues that either troubled us, interested us or gave us cause for concern. In fact when we get going, we can often talk for hours.

I do seem to be in a better frame of mind today. The last couple of days have been quite stressful and I do feel as if things are settling down a little. There is still the complaint to deal with, currently residing with NPower but I'm hopeful we will be able to come to some kind of arrangement. Frankly, we'll have to.
I have been a little troubled by dreams. Mine are vivid and it's unusual if I don't dream each night. This is a side-effect of the Mirtazapine medication I am on and its sedative properties. The dreams are rarely joyful and positive experiences. Mostly they involve me being in some kind of office environment, often closed-in and suffocating. I am almost always in a position of varying responsibility but in almost all cases, I am responsible for something that goes wrong. This produces a strong feeling of guilt and failure that will often seep from my dream state into my conscious state and can stay with me for as much as a whole day afterwards.
I dare say those who as well as me believe in some symbolic connection between dreams and real life will agree that there is a link between the events in my sleep and failings in my past. This is pretty obvious. The clarity of the dreams and the real feelings they produce is something I find both interesting and troubling.

We are told we are heading out of the freezing weather period we have been experiencing here in the UK for the last couple of weeks. Here is the East, we are forecast to see a final parting gift tomorrow night of several inches of prolonged heavy snow which is anticipated to make Saturday morning 'challenging'. As with all forecasts, I tend now to take them with a large pinch of salt especially as we haven't seen anywhere near the amount of snow that has been forecast up to now. If it's as bad as the forecast predicts, I will post a photograph here on Saturday.

As I type this, shouts of excitement and schoolboy fun filter over my Herb Alpert and Friends LP. My son has his friend over to play and it sounds as though they are battling it out on the Wii ably refereed by my wife. I wrote of my 'wasted' trip to NHS Bracebridge Heath on Monday. It transpires that the meeting had been previously cancelled due to lack of interest but my original acknowledgement hadn't been passed-on to the organiser. The upshot is that I have received an apology and kind offer of reimbursement for my travel expense, which is nice. Despite the obvious clerical error, I do actually have tremendous respect for the people organising the meeting. The work they do and their motives for arranging the meeting in the first place are entirely Honourable. I have asked them to contact me when another meeting is arranged as they, like me, are keen that it should still go ahead. Any discussion regarding mental health services in Lincolnshire has to be a priority.

I'm quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow. I already plan to record an entry for my audio journal. I do though have a diabetic clinic appointment at 1.30 which I'm not looking forward to. My blood glucose levels are often a lot higher than they should be despite trying to maintain a low sugar diet. I think I may already know what the outcome will be.

It's strange. I find I can write about things very easily but the hardest part of maintaining a blog is thinking-up a title for each post. In fact, it often takes me longer to think up the title than it does to type the whole post entry!

My Moodscope score today is 51%

A Stressful Day, A Wasted Trip & Andrew Lyons

A stressful day. I attended a rather subdued Group meeting this morning which was thankfully made more cheerful by the arrival of Harry and Harriet, our local Pets As Therapy dogs and their handlers. There were once again relatively few attendees and I'm inclined to blame the weather for their non-appearance.
The journey to Spalding this morning was again made in freezing conditions, this time compounded by thick fog and ice. It looks as if we are in for a prolonged period of freezing temperatures though the snow does seem to have abated.

Speaking on non-appearance, I yesterday afternoon attended what I believed to be a meeting held at Lincolnshire NHS offices at Bracebridge Heath. The meeting had been scheduled for 4pm and its purpose was to informally discuss how we all felt about the future of mental health support in the wake of Andrew Harrison's tragic death. How surprised was I then to find on arrival that I was the only one attending and that the meeting had evidently been cancelled. I have sent an email to the organiser but I have yet to receive a reply.

Today had been allocated by my wife for us to contact the council regarding our council tax payments and our electricity provider Eon regarding the ridiculous amount they are changing for our lighting and heating.
I had been dreading the prospect of having to speak with them but thankfully my wife had dealt with the council before I arrived home from Group. I find more and more that my anxiety kicks in and frankly makes me feel quite ill. I much prefer to type letters. It is one of the few things I am still able to do with any level of confidence.
I finally mustered the courage and explained our situation to the chap in their call centre. To his credit, he was actually quite helpful and having explained that there was no way we could afford to pay £360 per month, he set about changing our payment arrangement. This still leaves the £800 odd debt we've somehow managed to accrue since joining them last year. This still needs to be resolved and a complaint has been raised with a dedicated team who should be contacting us in a couple of days time. Of particular concern is how our monthly energy consumption could have leaped from £126 to £196 and why they emptied our bank account at the beginning of January to pay off some of what we owed - without consulting us beforehand. This may sound minor and trivial to many but when you have very little or no income, it's pretty major.

Suicide is in the news again. The BBC have an article on their news site which highlights the increase in the number of people taking their own lives. This is tragic and sad, but not unexpected. I've written at length about how stress, depression and their causes such as debt, redundancy and the squeeze on living standards caused by Government policy is making life unbearable for many. An increasing number are being pushed to the limit, and in some cases, beyond.
In my local newspaper, the Spalding Guardian, I see that there was another successful suicide attempt in Spalding. The body of Andrew Lyons, aged just 33 was discovered next to the railway line. What drove Andrew to this act is unknown but it is a sad fact that more and more people in their 30's are choosing the ultimate way out and freedom from the pain and misery of debt and redundancy. Why? is something many will be asking. Was help available to Andrew or had he sought help? IS there anything anyone could have done to make his situation easier or provide hope, enough for him to see that there is a reason for carrying on? Perhaps we'll never know, but Andrew is a reminder to us all of how suicide is difficult to predict and to prevent in someone determined enough.
I always feel anger when something like this happens. I feel angry that no one was able to help. I feel angry that Andrew felt so desperate and alone, that his problems couldn't be resolved or worked out. If help had been provided and there was hope, what would Andrew have become and achieved in his life? Whatever pushed Andrew to the limit and beyond could have been made easier with support and help from others, particularly those who have been where Andrew had been, people who understand how it is to feel there is no way out of a situation and to make the ultimate choice. People like this are in a unique position to empathise and provide the support needed to convince someone like Andrew that there is another way out. When someone is depressed and at their wits end, it is impossible to see, but it is there, of this I am convinced. If only...
My Moodscope score today is 47%

Snowy Sunday Thoughts

There's a a lot going on at the moment. The weather has brought snow to many parts of the country and as usual, it has caused travel disruption and what can only be described as farcical scenes at London's Heathrow Airport. Should we be surprised? No, it happens every time we have snow and the slightest amounts result in cancelled flights and misery for travellers. Why do we get it so wrong every time. It is true that we are the laughing stock of other countries used to snow. Maybe it is just a British thing. We like to suffer and make things as difficult as we can. Snow is inevitable, especially in a changeable climate such as ours yet I read that we choose not to invest in snow clearing equipment as it is rare and wouldn't justify the expense. Try telling that to the passengers, many of whom have spent at least one night on the cold floor of the departures terminal.

On my mind this week have been money matters, specifically being asked for money we don't have. I know this causes my wife stress and she often spends sleepless nights worrying about how she is going to make her meagre part time wage stretch to cover our outgoings. With me, the worry is always there but it manifests itself as anxiety which will often build until an event such as a final demand letter or a threat of legal action sends me over the edge into a pit of despair. We've managed to keep the wolves from the door until now but I do feel we are headed for just such an event. In an attempt to prevent a crisis developing, our defence has been to send letters pleading our case. For the most part, this has been successful though there are cases where I am left wondering whether the letter has actually been read - as is the case with South Holland District Council. They are insisting we pay hundreds of pounds in council tax despite being told we cannot and having been sent a copy of our financial statement. They were also told of my delicate mental state which they also seem to have ignored. They will certainly be getting a very strongly worded letter.
I do try to reassure myself by realising we are not alone and that there are many thousands of families up and down the land in a similar situation. It doesn't stop me fearing every letter that comes through the door.

Therapy for me is the things that I enjoy, such as writing, listening to the radio and music - specifically finding music in the form of vinyl records in second hand shops. Saturday morning saw me again rummaging through a box of LP's in my favourite second hand store in Long Sutton. There is normally something new each week and out of five or six records, at least one will turn out to be a real gem. My gem(s) this week were a record of Henry Mancini's music which included the 'Pink Panther' and 'A Shot In The Dark' themes, and another K-Tel LP containing various well known songs.

A piece in today's Sunday Express highlighted the link between the effects of the recession and the rising suicide rate. This is something many have been aware of for some time, especially those who work in the field of mental health. It's a startling reminder of how things like financial well being and job security can push many to the brink and beyond. Those seeking re-employment having been made redundant are likely to become depressed as being constantly turned down for jobs leads them to view each day as pointless, often remaining in bed. I recognise and understand this very well. The numbers seeking psychological therapies has rocketed from 92,000 in 2009/10 to 320,000 in 2012. The figures speak volumes.
Yet there is no easy solution to any of this. The economy won't miraculously improve creating thousands of new jobs so the numbers of those suffering mental illness is likely to increase further. What makes life worse for so many of those affected is the poor care and support given to the mentally ill. The assessment process for benefits is so demeaning and flawed that many are made worse or pushed over the edge. Others simply decide not to go through it and end up in relative poverty. The system has to change.

Finally, I am utterly disgusted at hearing the new that Camelot are increasing the cost of lottery tickets. Surely this decision is simply based on greed. After all, they have failed to provide any satisfactory reason for doing this. I am sure I won't be alone in voicing my disdain at Camelot's decision and I for one will be boycotting the National Lottery in favour of the ethical alternative The Health Lottery who have also made public their views. So there.

I failed to record an audio journal this week, so I'll make sure I do an extra long one next week.
My Moodscope rating today is 61%.

A Red Warning & When Asking Advice Isn't Always the Best Thing...

There's no denying it, it's cold... very cold. Group today was not very well attended though I suspect the weather is just one of the reasons for staying away.
The drive to Spalding was without event, apart from having to stop once or twice for the screen wash nipplets to thaw out. Luckily I'd had the sense a couple of days ago to fill it with concentrate.

View looking towards Gedney Church from A17

Tomorrow looks set to be dicey. There are warnings of heavy snow for most of the UK and the highest level red warning has been issued by the Met Office. Thankfully I don't need to venture out tomorrow and I made sure I collected a couple bags of firewood on the way home today, so I should be OK.

A friend is looking for a new car and we were asked our views and advice at Group on a particular model she had seen. Having the laptop with me, I looked it up on the What Car? website. The ratings were not very good. It scored just one star for reliability and quality and the same for its interior and features. This didn't go down very well and I did wonder whether it is practicable to ask someone their views and advice when buying something as big as a car. I know from experience that ratings and reviews are normally the last thing one consults when buying a vehicle. Often, we are sold on looks and appearance failing to take into account miles per gallon and ride comfort. As well as the crass reviews, the garage she was intending to buy it from was also lampooned.
The whole thing left me wondering if I would seek advice when deciding to buy a new car. I soon came to the conclusion that I would not, preferring to trust my own instinct and experience. After all I've never had a bad experience buying a car and they've always lasted a few years without major incident.
Sometimes it can be highly beneficial to invite the views of others. But there are occasions when some things should be handled alone.

An Unremarkable Tuesday

An event-free day. The weather behaved itself despite it being bitterly cold. We didn't have any more snow today though there is more forecast for the coming days. I did pass one casualty of the weather as I neared Whaplode on the way to Spalding earlier today. Thankfully the driver escaped without injury.

We welcomed a new member to our Group this morning, the partner of one of our existing members. I'm hopeful they will want to keep coming and that they will find the talking therapy we provide to be helpful.

I'm in a pensive sort of mood today. There's much I want to do but I tend to spend much of my time thinking about it. The fact that much of it involves money keeps it from becoming a reality, but I will continue to hope and wish as many others do.