A Few Words on Jimmy Saville

I, like so many, have been shocked and saddened to hear the mounting evidence against Jimmy Saville with regards to abuse allegations stretching back many years. For me, I am filled with a sense of utter shock, dismay and a level of regret - that I had for so long regarded him a part of my childhood in the form of his TV shows during the 70's and 80's.
It is clear that the investigations into his conduct are discovering that the 70's and 80's were a different age and that acts such as those that have been reported were perhaps more common and widespread than we had imagined. The culture was different to today and I fear that there will be those apart from Jimmy Saville who will be worried for the outcome of the inquiries now taking place by both the police and the BBC.
It is such a shame that someone who had done so much good and held in such high esteem is now derided and viewed with such revulsion and anger.
So many questions need to be asked. Among them are why didn't anyone come forward earlier and why didn't the people who claim they knew report their concerns at the time?
There are many who should feel responsible for not doing the right thing and for allowing his conduct to continue in the way that it did. Either people were truly blind to what was going on, or they simply chose not to do anything about it. My personal feeling is that many people did know what was going on and are as guilty in not doing anything to prevent it. I am sure there will be many now who feel profound guilt for what went on, and one can only hope that the investigation will out all those who conspired to let it happen.

Art & Appreciation

A good day. Arts & crafts was the theme at our Support Group earlier today. We all tried our hand at painting in acrylics, the second time we've created some art. I'm pretty sure we get better each time we do it and we were fortunate to have with us my dear friend Janet who assisted with her professional skills and tips.
I've put our latest creations online in the Arts & Crafts section of my website.
We're going to see the people at ArtLinc a week this Friday with a view to bringing the initiative to South Holland. I'm hopeful they may be able to assist with funding and exhibiting.

My mood today has been pretty good. My leaflet for the Group was very well received and I received considerable praise for my efforts. It's great to feel valued once more and praise of any kind does wonders for the spirit, especially mine.
The next step is to get the leaflet (and poster) over to our Volunteer Services Manager for him to approve and arrange to get printed for us.
My Moodscope rating today is 15%, an increase on yesterday and a fair reflection of how I'm feeling today. If I can keep it going through tomorrow then I'll be very pleased with myself. The weather often has an effect on my mood and I'm concerned that is is very grey and dull at the moment. It's the sort of grey blanket I've written about before. I'll continue to make the most of my good mood while it lasts!

A Rare Creative Burst...

I have been in a creative mood today and this afternoon I used this brief improvement in mood to finish off the leaflet and poster I have been designing for my Blue Skies Support Group. I've been fiddling about with the leaflet for some time, adjusting the text width so it fits onto a traditional 3-column sheet of A4 printed both sides. I've finally perfected it and made sure I saved my latest changes and printed what turned out to be my only proof copy as the ink promptly ran dry in my colour printer. At least I can take it with me to the Group tomorrow and pass on to our manager for approval.
I have to say that I'm quite pleased with it, even if I do say so myself, and it's reassuring to know that my creative skills haven't quite left me.

I'm rather hopeful that I can get them printed by the Trust or I'll need to buy some more ink and paper. The plan is for them to be placed in medical centres and waiting rooms around South Holland.

My mood today is much improved. I spent some time watching David Cameron preach to the faithful earlier at the closing speech of the Conservative Party Conference. I'm afraid I just found him to be as patronising, out of touch and as arrogant as ever. I really hope he isn't voted in for a second term.

My wife and son have recently returned from a school trip to Tattershall Castle. As I recall, it's on the way to Coningsby and I used to pass it every day when I worked at RAF Coningsby teaching pilots and ground crews how to use computers. They had a good time by all accounts and even managed to climb the 150 steps to the top. Rather them than me...

Despite my creative peak, my Moodscope rating this morning was again just 10%. At least it's remaining pretty much constant.

I think we're planning to do some arts and crafts at the Group tomorrow. I'm rather looking forward to it and spending time with people I respect, value and am very fond of. I'm really hoping my raised spirit will last into tomorrow and perhaps beyond, but I really should take just one day at a time and not be too ambitious.

On a high... But for how long?

We had a good meeting yesterday at the NHS T&D Centre in Sleaford. It was a good job my two colleagues and I attended or there would have been just one other there. I had expected a conference room full of volunteer staff, instead we had a small meeting room and board table. It would have made more sense I think to have had one big meeting with volunteer staff from all parts of Lincolnshire, but being such a vast county there would have been many for whom the trek there would have been too much.
We did manage to come away with some new information and also had the opportunity to spend some time discussing our Mental Health Prevention Fund bid and apportion parts of the bid application to each of us to complete.
It was also useful to find out that we are able to use the venue for any group committee meetings we hold in the future. Apparently we need to meet monthly, particularly if we go for charity status, which is becoming more likely given the fact we will be requesting more than £1k.
It was actually very enjoyable, not just the meeting, but the opportunity for the three of us to go somewhere different and spend some time together. It was clear to me that over the last few months, we had all developed a bond of friendship with each other which I feel will be strong and lasting. This makes me feel good.
My mood had lifted slightly, well I felt it had. My Moodscope rating yesterday was 10% again, but I'm not sure if it accurately reflected my mental state. I certainly felt more active and interested in what was going on around me and the deep depression of the last few days had definitely lifted.
Today I actually felt almost free from depression, though my Moodscope rating this morning was actually just 9% - one of my lowest scores so far. So although the symptoms of despair were there, they hadn't manifested themselves into a low mood. Interesting...
At today's Support Group, we had a guest speaker - a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who came to tell us a little about his job and give a Q&A session. It was all very interesting and I was curious to know how he had got into the role and what had led him there.
We also had a new (male) member join us today and he was well received by all. I'm hopeful he will come again as I very much enjoyed his input and I'm sure he can benefit from the Group. We do still need to increase our numbers and it would be nice if we could attract more men though it is acknowledged that men are the least likely to seek help and therapy in the form that we provide.
I need to work some more on the Blue Skies leaflet tomorrow with a view to completing it. I need to take the final proof with me on Thursday. Hopefully we'll soon be able to get them printed. I'll also finish off the poster so we can get it put up in waiting rooms and medical centres.
I certainly feel on a high at the moment and such a contrast to the last week. I'm interested in doing things and I have been busy typing letters, something I very much enjoy, mainly to banks. I just hope this surge of energy and high spirits lasts, but knowing my condition, I'll soon be back in my pit of despair. That's what makes me think I'm bi-polar and why others think I am too.

Improvement & Focus

A better day today. My Moodscope rating is 10%, which although very low is an improvement on yesterday. Compared to yesterday, I do feel a lot better. I'm more interested in doing things and I have my appetite back. Therapy suggest that keeping away from the things that cause or might cause another depressive low is the right course of action, so that is what I'll do.
I am beginning to wonder if I am becoming bi-polar. This was dismissed soon after my breakdown, but the roller coaster effect of my depression lends itself to this condition.
Depression is something that is fully understood only by those who suffer with the condition. Depression is indiscriminate and affects the people around and close to the sufferer. It is a destructive illness. Its damage is long lasting and in some cases permanent and at worst fatal.
Depression has taken me to some dark places. On at least one occasion, it took somewhere I very nearly didn't return from. Its pull is relentless. It never actually stops. The trick is to keep pulling in the other direction but it takes strength, lots of it.
I don't believe depression is something that simply goes away. It's always there and gets worse when it wins the fight. When I was young, it was easier to win over and keep at bay. As I've got older, it's been more and more difficult to control and severe episodes are painful and crippling.
I have been thinking about my earliest recollections of being affected by depression. Knowing what I do now, it is clear to me that I was suffering with depression in my teens. It was certainly undiagnosed back then and if anyone did know that I was suffering with it, then nothing was done. So much of my time was spent sleeping just to while away the hours. I would often drink myself to sleep and mix with painkillers. When I was working, I'd keep the depression at bay until I came home and I would spend the evening in bed feeling worthless and alone. This was the cycle for a long time.
In some ways things were worse then as there was no control. No one knew about it and the low moods just felt normal the way things were. Now there is some level of control. The medication prevents the worst effects from occurring. There are people around me aware of the condition and aware that I suffer with it. These people are dear to me and keep me going.

Tomorrow is my first NHS Volunteer's Meeting. I'm quite looking forward to it and it's a chance to meet with others from around the county who give so much of their time and energy to help and support others. I'm hoping I'll be able to find out more about the group funding bid process as it all does seem rather involved. As we are asking for more than £1000, there is a lot more work involved and possibly a requirement for the group to hold charity status. That will certainly be my focus for tomorrow, and this will hopefully keep the dark clouds at bay.

Sinking a Little

I do feel as if I'm sinking today. I've been low for the last few days and I've been waking up depressed. The tiredness is ten times worse than normal and I can fall asleep in seconds if I don't fight the urge.
I haven't felt like this for a while. The bouts of depression are normally a few days apart but this one certainly has a tight hold at the moment.
I should be active. There are things I could be doing, but the energy simply isn't there. I cannot motivate myself to do much at all. I did vacuum this morning which I'm pleased about and I was going to do the washing-up from last night but we've run out of washing-up liquid.
I normally visit friends on a Saturday but I simply cannot today. I will go shopping with my wife instead and hopefully this will prevent me sinking any deeper. I really don't want the dark thoughts to come back.
My Moodscope rating is 8%.

Dementia - Discussing Is Understanding

I have written previously about my own experience with memory loss and dementia and how it can affect a relative. Dementia is certainly not an easy subject to write about, but in writing about it we understand it. By understanding it, we are able to spot the signs in others and hopefully discover how it is caused and how we can lessen its effects, or even better, prevent it altogether.
There are those who are uncomfortable with the subject. They find it hard to come to terms with the condition and would sooner not discuss it. Worst still, they choose not to accept the events and feel that such illnesses shouldn't be discussed, no matter how beneficial it may be to do so.
I spent considerable time researching dementia for a position I held a few years ago, and spent many hours with staff who cared for people suffering with dementia. On several occasions, I witnessed first hand the devastating effect of dementia.
My current work in mental health support and therapy brings me into contact with others who have been affected by dementia. My writing and recollections of my own experiences with dementia have provided a unique and personal perspective, and I have been encouraged by the responses I have received to continue in my work.

My work will continue be published via my website and through my Spalding based support group.