Forcing Myself

There are days when I don't feel like doing much. These days are wasted, I know that and some would say that every day should be lived to the full and that once they're gone, they're gone. Fine, but if your heart really isn't in it, then is it worth it? I often have to force myself to do things. It's normally the starting that's the problem, a bit like getting out of bed. It's the getting out that is the major hurdle. The walk to the bathroom then comes naturally and gradually energy and motivation increases. Well that's the theory. For someone suffering depression, it's often impossible to get past the first hurdle. The motivation simply isn't there and it can be a constant struggle to get things done, for yourself or for others.
Yesterday was one of those days when I should have done more, but I didn't. The day started well enough taking my wife to work for 8am and driving my mum into town for her Saturday morning shop. But that seemed to exhaust my motivation reserves and I spent the remainder of the day doing very little apart from searching for music I wanted for my collection on the Internet. On a Saturday afternoon, I would normally visit my friends and Godparents to my son. I tend to spend a few hours there either chatting or working on a huge model railway layout I'm building. I usually treat it as me-time and in that respect it's always valuable to me as a form of escape from the usual stresses, worries and strains of life. It actually does me the world of good. But, as with everything, I have to be in the mood or the right frame of mind. Yesterday I was not. To make matters worse, it was my friend's Birthday on Friday and apart from sending a message on Facebook, I haven't visited.  I shouldn't worry too much, they forgot my Birthday last year.
This morning I felt much the same. I didn't feel like doing anything much and really didn't want to go out. Instead, my wife encouraged me to go swimming. She could tell that I wasn't interested and she knows me well enough to be used to my wavering interest and motivation. She also knows that when I get there, I appear to enjoy it. I prefer to think that I simply get on with it, for the sake of others.