A Different Venue

There was a different venue on Tuesday for my support group meeting. It was easy to get to being in Spalding and I arrived in good time. The welcome was warm and friendly and I was glad to see other members of my group there. I didn't know what to expect really but it was nothing like what I'm used to on a Tuesday. The event was to promote a small organisation involved in trying to raise awareness and understanding of depression. It seemed to me as if they were trying to bring together other support groups and try to centralise support and care services for those who suffer with the illness. Anything that raises awareness can only be a good thing and I was encouraged to see them taking the subject so seriously. Awareness is certainly key to it, the more people who understand the illness the better. There is such a taboo surrounding depression and I don't believe it is discussed or acknowledged as much as it should be. They could have helped themselves by displaying a sign at the entrance to the venue indicating they were there, or simply placed a small advertisement in the local newspaper. There was really nothing to indicate they were there. The only way I found out about it was through my own support group. In fact we only had one other member of the public venture in to find out more. She was severely disabled and her needs were great due being physically disabled and suffering bipolar disorder. She had no idea there were support groups in the area and that there were others like her prepared to provide a friendly ear and offer help. It was good to know that she would be joining us at our next group meeting.
I don't write about depression very much, though throughout my blog, there are references to my illness and an attempt to describe how I suffer and attempt to deal with it. I am actually quite open about it. I don't mind discussing it and I'm convinced that by talking about it, we begin to better understand it. I don't think we'll ever be able to prevent it. The illness has been around for a very long time, but never understood. It is only now that depression is an illness we are beginning to understand. More people have the confidence to talk about it because others are doing just that. I know myself that having found others prepared to discuss the illness and show an understanding of it, I now have the confidence to open up to others. Without the understanding and support of others, I would still be living with it in silence. I have been told many times to simply 'snap out of it' and to 'stop feeling so miserable'. In fact it still happens. If I had any control over it, would I choose to feel the way I do? I don't think so. There is no real warning to indicate the next bout of depression. It can be triggered all too easily by things going wrong or people saying things that hurt or make me feel bad about myself. This seems to set off a chain reaction which spirals out of control. It does though make people around me feel they should constantly 'walk on egg shells' fearful of saying or doing something that might set me off. This is of course a ridiculous situation to be in and places enormous strain on relationships. I know this to be true having had my marriage stretched to near breaking point on several occasions.
There is a real desire on the part of the sufferer to do things that bring feelings of good or pleasure. More often than not, this involves eating, drinking or smoking. In my case, I know I over-eat to compensate for my mood. I have also self-medicated on codeine as it made me feel better, albeit for brief periods of time. I stupidly took as many as ten tablets a day to keep the feeling there. Without my tablets, I would panic and do anything I could to procure more. I spent hundreds of pounds a year doing just that, buying from online chemists to keep my habit as anonymous as possible. My addiction as lessened thankfully but I do take tramadol regularly for a back problem and these have a similar effect to the codeine but I can take far less amounts for a similar effect. This suits me just fine at the moment. Other than my electronic cigarette, I have no other real vices. OK I have to be constantly attached to it, but this is more down to OCD which I've been reliably informed I also suffer from.
Routine is also important. I tend to do things in a certain order and at roughly the same time each day. This helps me to stay focused and prevents me from slipping into a depressive state or simply sleeping. There is an element of OCD to it. There are things I have to do, and in the right order, or the day is ruined. I don't think this is particularly unusual, there are lots of us that operate to a daily routine, mainly for work. For me, this routine holds things together, and holding together is basically what I do day to day.