Battle Scarred

Anyone who suffers with depression will know how crippling and painful it can be. People often ask me how it feels to suffer a bout of depression. Sometimes I am asked by people who suffer themselves. They want to know if I feel the same as them, for they like me find it impossible to make the majority of people who don't suffer understand what it is really like. To complicate things further, every sufferer is different. There isn't one 'flavour' of depression. Everyone seems to experience it differently. I can only really talk with any certainty about myself. I know how it feels for me and I sometimes assume that others will feel the same way. This isn't always true. Some suffer excruciating headaches whereas others become very tired and unable to even get out of bed each morning. We are all different but at the same time have one thing in common, we suffer.
I have just 'come out the other side' from another dark bout of depression. There was no trigger, no event or barbed comment - it just enveloped me as it often does. It chose Sunday, my most hated day of the week, to appear and stayed with me well into Monday night. Forcing myself on Tuesday to attend group was, in hindsight, the correct decision - despite my mind telling me not to. It made me feel better, a lot better. I was with people who understand and they instinctively know what to say and do. They are practised in it.
That afternoon I was 'dragged' to a short training session in Boston on the subject of fund raising. I really didn't think I would stay awake through it, but to my amazement, I did and by the end of it I was awake, in a better mood and hungry once more. Every bout of depression acts as a very effective appetite suppressant, switching off those things inside that regulate hunger and interest in food. It happens every time, but for a diabetic it's far from good and I often end up force feeding myself something sweet to prevent my blood sugar falling too low.
People I know who suffer alter the dosage of their medication to suit how they are feeling. This is something I haven't done as yet, but I did call my medical centre to find out if my dosage could be increased. Knowing I wasn't coping well, I would have expected someone to have called me back. They haven't. How fortunate it is that I'm not having a crisis.
I'm due an appointment soon to meet my new GP and have my medication reviewed. No doubt I can discuss this then.
I was talking the other day with a friend and we remarked at how depression is one of the few illnesses that doesn't leave a mark. From the outside there is really nothing to indicate a person suffers with depression. For this reason, I suspect that some turn to self-harm to provide this sign. They do it through frustration to provide something physical that another person can relate to. It is also done to release some of the pain caused by depression, and it does actually help. This may seem a mad statement to many but it can be seen as a very effective safety valve, often taking the form of scratching or cutting. Again I know people for whom this is a coping mechanism. It does work. How do I know this? I have the scars from my latest battle.