The Call to the Bank

There is very little (besides spiders) that fills me with absolute dread, but today I had to call the bank. I woke this morning knowing I had to call the bank and frankly I've spent the entire day worrying about it. My wife left for work this morning without mentioning it and I must admit that part of me had hoped she had forgotten. But my hopes were to be in vain. My wife returned home from work at about 3pm this afternoon and immediately asked me if I had remembered to call the bank. I felt the colour rush out of my face and had all the feelings I last experienced just before a school exam or telling my maths teacher I hadn't done my homework. I knew it had to be done and there was no escaping it.
The call to the bank is to make a 'token' payment towards our mortgage arrears. Since I fell ill and lost my job, we have been unable to meet the payments though until recently we did have an insurance policy that paid the contracted amount each month. Sadly this was only for a limited period so we were faced with paying it ourselves. Being unable to pay the full amount, we negotiated a payment arrangement with the bank, who at the time were very understanding and dare I say it, synpathetic.
The amount we pay is nowhere near the full amount, not even half. Despite the arrangement being in place, I cannot help but feel guilt and anxiety. My mind fills with 'what if's' and thoughts of them being less unerstanding or demanding we pay the full amount. My biggest fear is that we are forced to sell the house, or have it reposessed. I really don't know how I would cope with that, if at all.
My wife placed the phone in front of me with the number I had to call. I should have done it there and then, but I couldn't instead finding things to tinker with on my website. This went on for a good half hour until I had thought through several times the likely course of events and every scenario possible. I decided I would try to bargain with them by offering my pension as security. There's certainly enough in it to cover the mortgage totally.
So with sweat beginning to form all over me and my heart beginning to race, I picked up the phone and called them. A familiar recorded voice giving me menu options finally directed me to a real person and I was asked for my role number in a strong Scottish accent. I read out the long number and I was then asked a series of mandatory security questions. I've done this so many times now, the answers just roll out. After a brief silence, I was told that my mortgage was in arrears and by how much. This bit I really hate. I don't want to hear how much I owe. I know it's a lot and I dearly wish I could pay it, but to be reminded is just so very painful.
I told the chap that I wanted to make a payment for the amount agreed in our arrangement. I gave my card details and scribbled down the authorisation code. I've never had to do anything with it, but I write it down every time as if I should.
I was then asked if my situation had changed. 'No, sadly not', was my reply. I did go on to say that I had volunteered at my local NHS Trust and was hoping tha in time this would perhaps materialise into something permanent and more importantly, paid. He made a note of this and he seemed to accept this as proof that I am trying to do something to get out of the hole I'm in. I felt a little better.
Next, he asked if he should set up another arrangement, to which I replied 'yes please'. Of course I want another arrangement - there's no way I can afford to pay the full monthly amount, or the arrears. He said he'd set up another three month arrangement and asked how much I could afford. I replied that it would need to be for the same amount. After all, it's all we can squeeze out of my wife's meager part time wage.
He asked if we were in debt to other creditors and I told him that we are but that the payments had been reduced in favour ensuring as much as possible could be paid toward the mortgage. He seemed to sound very sympathetic and again I felt a degree of reassurance.
He told me the arrangement had been set up and that I should pay the next amount by the 20th of next month, giving me an extra three days. I was grateful for this and thanked him for his help and understanding.
We said our goodbyes and hung up. It was done and I felt huge relief but also depressed at having had to call practically begging for help, and at having the whole sorry situation read out to me. It's a depression that hopefully won't last too long and the very thing that's prompted me to write this account. As I've said before, writing about my experiences and thoughts really seems to help. I suppose it's a way of venting some of what's festering inside and making me feel so bad.
I should feel relieved. I have negotiated us another three months. The arrangement will be reviewed in August, and thinking about this makes me realise just how quickly this year is passing. By then I really hope things will have changed. They have to. But despite the relief and the somewhat false feelings of security, I do wonder if things will ever get better. To call every three months is, in reality, an admission of failure. I've broken my agreement with the bank and failed to raise the necessary funds to balance my account with them. I know there are thousands, possibly millions of people in a similar position, and though this makes me feel that I'm not the only one, a name in bold red font in some debters ledger, I still feel alone in having to deal with it. That's why this blog is so important to me. It's a kind of sounding board, a way of expressing what I'm going through. That it is read by anyone is of no conseqence. It lets me translate my anxieties into words, and by doing so, makes me feel just that little bit better.